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Key points
Porn may not be on most parents' list of things they need to discuss with their children, but it probably needs to be.
Erotic images are available anywhere there's internet and a device.
Some kids use adult entertainment as a source of information and education about sex.
By not addressing the existence of pornography, parents may be leaving kids open to otherwise preventable self-image and mental health issues.
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The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Posted October 14, 2022
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Reviewed by Devon Frye
Last week, I had an interview scheduled with essayist Rebecca Morrison. We planned to discuss body image for an article she’s writing, so I did what I do: I searched the web for her previous work. The following title, published in Salon , popped onto my screen: “Why I Started Watching Porn When I Turned 50.”
Huh? The subtitle read, “I suspected my teens knew more about porn than me. I didn't want to talk to them about it until I did some research.” OK, I was intrigued. While pornography had zero to do with our discussion topic, I couldn’t resist.
Rebecca wrote that she’d wanted to “satisfy her curiosity” and be knowledgeable for her teens. By the end, she’d reported learning, for example: why porn's so popular, the difference between "soft" porn vs. other ratings, how adult entertainment widely influenced personal hygiene styles, and how to find female-friendly sites with ethically-sourced porn (e.g., respectful and consenting, legally made, and celebrating sexual diversity). That all got me thinking.
I realized that my primary education in erotica happened in college in the 90s. Back then, to attain videos such as Mummy Dearest or Chatterbox (yup, her vagina spoke), we’d have to work for it. We’d physically get in a car and drive to a local video store. Then, there’d be that “back room” with the black curtain. We’d scan the store to make sure no one was looking and then we’d almost jump behind the fabric. With a racy video finally in hand, there’d be one more step to get the porn back to the dorm. We’d head to the checkout counter where (probably to make us goodie-goodies squirm) we’d hear, for example, “Your Edward Penishands is due back on Monday.” (Did he have to say the title so loudly?)
Notice all the effort that went into attaining erotica? None of that’s needed nowadays. Online, kids may accidentally type the wrong address or a well-intended search term that results in porn images. Kids can also get random adult entertainment popups. Pornography is available anywhere there's the internet and a device, such as at home, school, a classmate’s tablet, or a playground.
For adults, pornography use tends to be personal and often secret, and may be associated with feelings of shame. It makes sense that parents and guardians might prefer to avoid the topic with their kids. Yet, by not addressing porn, you may be leaving your kids open to otherwise preventable self-image and mental health issues—possibly even legal problems.
According to a study published in 2022, of the 385 undergraduates surveyed, “28.2 percent of males and 23.7 percent of females recalled their exposure [to porn] as occurring between 9 and 11 years" of age. A small number of participants were exposed even earlier.
Though COVID and lockdowns could have blown up the ability to trust existing studies and data, so far, research indicates that porn use by minors has remained fairly steady.
Various studies confirm that youngsters sometimes use pornography as a source of information and education about sex. A 2017 synthesis of articles, published by the Australian Institute of Family Studies, offered the following key messages:
While many parents hope and believe their kids won’t fall prey to influences based on violence or fantasy , that's not necessarily the case. For instance, a 2019 study suggested that exposure to violent porn may be one risk factor for teen dating violence (TDF). In the study, female adolescents who were exposed to violent porn were “over 1.5 times as likely to perpetrate physical and threatening TDV, whereas male adolescents who were exposed were over 3 times as likely to perpetrate sexual TDV.”
It may also be important to consider the various styles of sex that kids may be exposed to through porn, especially those that it's especially important to be thoughtful, safe, and mindfully consenting about (e.g., BDSM ).
Yes, the ongoing, built-in risk of kids witnessing adult sexualized stills and videos leaves a lot to discuss with innocent, young minds. When the time is appropriate, consider the following.
Please do what you need to ensure you can have the healthiest and most honest, helpful, protective, and shame-free conversation possible with your kid(s).
This blog is for informational purposes and does not provide therapy or professional advice.
Bernstein, S., Warburton, W., Bussey, K., & Sweller, N. (2022). Mind the gap: Internet pornography exposure, influence and problematic viewing amongst emerging adults. Sexuality, Research and Social Policy. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13178-022-00698-8
Bőthe, B., Vaillancourt-Morel, M. P., Dion, J., Paquette, M. M., Massé-Pfister, M., Tóth-Király, I., & Bergeron, S. (2022). A Longitudinal study of adolescents' pornography use frequency, motivations, and problematic use before and during the COVID-19 pandemic. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51 (1), 139–156. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-02282-4
British Board of Film Classification. (n.d.) New research commissioned by the BBFC into the impact of pornography on children demonstrates significant support for age-verification. https://www.bbfc.co.uk/about-us/news/children-see-pornography-as-young-…
Jochen, P. & Valkenburg, P. M., (2016). Adolescents and pornography: A review of 20 years of research. Journal of Sex Research, 53 (4-5), 509-531. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2016.1143441
Morrison, R. (2022, April 16). Why I started watching porn when I turned 50: I suspected my teens knew more about porn than me. I didn't want to talk to them about it until I did some research. Salon.com
Perry, D. L. (2016). The impact of pornography on children. American College of Pediatricians. https://acpeds.org/position-statements/the-impact-of-pornography-on-chi…
Quadara, A., El-Murr. A., & Latham, J. (2017). The effects of pornography on children and young people: An evidence scan. Melbourne, Australian Institute of Family Studies.
Rostad, W. L., Gittins-Stone, D., Huntington, C., Rizzo, C. J., Pearlman, D., & Orchowski, L. (2019). The association between exposure to violent pornography and teen dating violence in grade 10 high school students. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48 (7), 2137–2147. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-1435-4
Alli Spotts-De Lazzer, MA, LMFT, LPCC, CEDS-S, is the author of MeaningFULL: 23 Life-Changing Stories of Conquering Dieting, Weight, and Body Image Issues.
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The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Tue., May 15, 2018 timer 3 min. read
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My husband and I have always had a minimal sex life. We dated for 12 years before we married, two years ago.
I’ve tried to get him to engage in more intimacy but have been repeatedly rejected.
Through his internet search history, I’ve discovered that he’s regularly masturbating to internet porn, usually 15 websites daily. His wastebasket is filled.
I became alarmed after noticing that he was doing this while I was at an appointment with my teenage daughters (from a prior marriage) and my other teenage daughter was still at home.
When I raised this, plus my concerns about pop-ups of teenage porn sex, he assured me he was just looking at “regular sex” porn.
He’s since set the computer to erase his history. But when I reset it, the pattern never changes.
I work out regularly and am in excellent shape for mid-50s, yet I feel so unattractive because of the lack of intimacy and his porn addiction. Is there any hope in getting help for this if he’s willing? I understand that most marriages end from this addiction.
Your attractiveness has nothing to do with his porn issue.
Focus on the very serious things that do: 1) Your husband’s interest in teen porn when he’s living with teenage stepdaughters; and 2) his disinterest in sex other than through porn.
There’s a chance for help only IF he’s willing to get addiction therapy, and also wants to eventually have a marriage that includes intimacy with you.
Meanwhile, stand up for yourself and your daughters.
Insist that he must seek therapy and also never watch teen porn again or you’ll have to separate (NOTE: Just as you’ve discovered his addiction, so might the girls).
You’d benefit from your own separate counselling, regarding having no blame for his behaviour and whether you two have a future together.
Several years after I married, my husband’s brother married a good-hearted woman who must control all family gatherings and interactions.
This past year, she opted out of a big family gathering and there was huge relief, with everyone else happily taking on roles.
She’ll soon be back. I want her to be welcome, but with everyone else able to play a role. I understand we can’t change her, only take responsibility for ourselves.
How can I talk about this with her, and/or change my own behaviour so I’m not responding to her demands?
How can I help shift this dynamic so everyone feels welcome?
It’s not easy, but yes, you can change your own reaction to her, and also try something new.
Choose an event now. Insist it be held either at your place or another uncomplicated venue. List what’s needed — food brought or bought by several people for each of mains, sides, desserts plus drinks.
Then send out a warm and cheerful group email asking everyone to sign on for their participation.
If she reacts with hurt or anger, respond gently but hold firm.
Say that you’re glad to have her participate — she’s very good at it — but that everyone wants to feel involved in these family occasions.
It’ll be a fresh start at finding out what works and what doesn’t.
Example: If she tries to control the next family get-together, talk to her directly about how all the relatives appreciate her enthusiasm but want to contribute too.
Explain that it’s their way to all feel connected and valued within the family, just like her.
Three LOUD alarms: Porn-addiction, including teen porn, teen stepdaughters in the house, rejecting spousal sex.
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