Is Real Sex
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Is Real Sex
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Sex, as defined in the Merriam Webster Dictionary, is "sexually motivated phenomena or behavior." According to that definition, oral sex would be considered sex. After all, it is certainly sexually motivated behavior. But not everyone thinks so. Many teens and young adults don’t consider oral sex to really be sex. One study found that only about 20 percent of college students classified oral sex as sex. Most saw it as foreplay; actual penetration, whether vaginally or anally, was considered sex.
But according to Planned Parenthood, most sexperts see sex in a much broader way. They include a number of sexual activities under the umbrella term of sex:
Genital fingering of the vagina or "hand jobs" (i.e., manipulating the penis by hand to reach orgasm)
In some ways, it doesn’t matter whether you consider oral sex to be sex as long as you and your partner, if you are in a relationship, see it the same way. While many people see any type of sexual activities with someone other than your partner as cheating, some also consider there to be different levels, or seriousness, of cheating. If your partner kissed someone else, would that be as bad as if they had sex with someone? And if there are different levels of seriousness, where does oral sex fall in that line? Could you forgive your partner for having oral sex but not for having penetrative sex?
In this context, whether or not you believe oral sex is sex isn’t as important as communicating with your partner about your own relationship expectations and listening to what theirs are.
You won’t get pregnant from oral sex, and the risk of contracting an STD is lower than with vaginal or anal sex, but there is still risk. The American Sexual Health Association states that many STDs can be transmitted via oral sex, including:
When you see oral sex as foreplay and not actually sex, you might also downplay the risks or see it as harmless. You might believe you can forego protection because “it is only oral sex.” In this way, however, oral sex is no different than vaginal or anal sex. It is important to use protection — every time.
If you define sex as vaginal intercourse, then having oral sex doesn’t affect whether you are a virgin. But if you are more inclusive in your definition, not having penetrative sex is not the only criterion.
For example, lesbian , gay, bisexual and transgender people don’t necessarily have vaginal/penile intercourse, but those who have been intimate with another person would probably no longer consider themselves a virgin.
Whether you are a virgin depends on your definition of virginity and definition of sex. Not everyone has the same interpretation of what those terms mean.
More importantly than whether you consider oral sex to be sex or foreplay is whether you are happy with yourself. Are you content with the sexual decisions you have made (either choosing to or choosing not to engage in sexual behavior)?
Rather than fretting about whether you are still a virgin, decide what is important to you in a sexual relationship and take steps to make sure that you are safe in any future relationship by using protection and having regular STD screenings .
Eileen Bailey is an award-winning author of six books on health and parenting topics and freelance writer specializing in health topics including ADHD, Anxiety, Sexual Health, Skin Care, Psoriasis and Skin Cancer. Her wish is more
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15 Major Differences Between Real Sex Vs. Porn
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By Ossiana Tepfenhart — Written on Sep 18, 2021
Porn’s had a weird effect on me throughout the years, really. Mostly, it affected the way I thought sex was supposed to be. It took me a very long time to realize that what goes on in a bedroom doesn’t always look like it was produced by Vivid.
Cringey as it is to admit, in high school, I thought that the be-all and end-all of sexiness was looking like adult film stars and acting like them. The funny thing about this is that experience makes you realize how unrealistic porn really is.
After having been around the block a bunch of times, I realized it’s not all about having makeup shellacked on my face or putting up with stuff I don’t like.
When I look online, I see a lot of people who really, truly believe that porn is a realistic depiction of what kind of sex people are really having . So, at least, I can honestly say I’m not alone in having mistaken porn sex for real sex.
That being said, I want to clear things up so that people who haven’t realized what’s the real truth about sex don’t make asses out of themselves.
No, not every guy has a nine-incher. It’s true. Some guys are really small down there, too.
I find that I’m an outlier when it comes to my preferences in guys. I’m a major size queen, but most of my female friends say that the sizes I prefer would be extremely painful for them.
Size isn't really the dealbreaker that guys think it is for most women . And, to a point, I’ve begun to think that the penis size obsession may be linked with what they see in porn.
Even adult film stars don’t tend to look the way you’d expect them to look when you see them in real life.
The fact is that bodies of all genders are flawed in real life, and that’s actually kind of cool if you think about it. Nobody’s perfect, you know?
And that’s one of the most awesome aspects of sex — overlooking the fact that you’re not perfect, and appreciating the beauty you have otherwise.
There’s real passion involved, and it’s not all about just moaning and groaning. There are emotions at play. Sex has lasting implications in real life, even if it’s a casual fling.
Most women will guide men on what they want in bed. Most men will ask what they should or shouldn't do.
In porn, what happens between the sheets (or on the couch or in the pool) is often choreographed.
When you shoot porn, you have to think about the angles of the camera. In real life, women aren’t contorting themselves on a guy, nor are men doing all those crazy acrobatic tricks.
This is a relief because frankly, that kind of physical effort wouldn’t be possible for many of us.
In porn, women do this thing called “faking an orgasm,” and sadly, a lot of guys didn’t catch on. For a typical woman to orgasm, you will need to stimulate their clitoris, nipples, and other goods.
Unfortunately, porn films don’t show guys doing this, so many men don’t think it’s necessary.
Only around 6% of women squirt on a regular basis , and in order for that to happen, they typically have to have their G-spot massaged.
If you don’t have a squirting partner, don’t feel bad. It’s nowhere near as common as porn makes you think.
Sex is sweaty, smelly, and pretty darn gross at times. There will be farting, queefing, and other weird things going on from time to time. Porn edits this out.
Maybe the sex you had wasn’t something you’d typically agree to. Maybe you farted. Maybe it was sex that was really, super, awful and involved a partner in tears of shame from a bad performance.
Whatever it is, sex can be awkward in real life, and how you mitigate the awkwardness can make or break your connection with your partner.
I’ve been to millions of nightclubs. Only a handful of people have had sex in the middle of a club’s dance floor. How this is such a common porn trope, I’ll never know.
Ever notice how everything in adult films seems to go from 0 to 100 in under a minute? Yeah, in real life, most women don’t have sex on the first date , so the chances of them just randomly sleeping with the pizza boy or plumber probably aren’t very high.
I’ll never understand why so many men think that using the pickup lines they hear in porn will work in real life. In reality, women really don’t like hearing guys act like misogynistic jerks.
Acting like a misogynist with a girl will usually only result in a breakup and a bad reputation with the ladyfolk.
Most of my partners lasted a maximum of 5 minutes in bed before they’d have an orgasm. This is okay since I usually would get tired, too.
So, what we’d do is we’d grab a drink of water or eat some food... and then we’d go at it again. If you ask me, that’s a lot more pleasant than the constant hours of pounding away that porn star show.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a renegade writer who focuses on dating, relationships, love, and all sorts of lifestyle stuff. She writes about things she's experienced, things she finds interesting, and things that matter.
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Porn Sex vs. Real Sex - Porn Stars Reveal the Differences
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Thanks to all the pornography you can stream for free on the internet, it’s easy to see hundreds of hours of sex online before ever actually having sex with another person in real life.
That might read like a condemnation of porn, or a desire to return to the “good old days” when porn took the form of videotapes or magazines, but it’s neither — it’s simply a statement of fact.
The impact of that truth, however, is worth considering. What does it mean that young people, regardless of gender, are likely to get a serious chunk of their sex education from online porn? Is it better than no sex ed at all? Is it worse? It is just different?
At its core, porn is very different from sex. Sure, it might depict sex, but it depicts sex in a way that’s made to sell, not as sex really is. And in watching a lot of porn, it’s possible to develop mistaken understandings not just of what sex is but of what sex isn’t — of what good sex is, of what people like and want, and so forth.
To get to the bottom of how different porn is from sex, we spoke to seven different porn industry insiders, including actors, writers, producers and directors. Together, they paint a picture of what porn and sex are and aren’t — the ways in which they’re very similar and the ways in which they’re very different — and perhaps, what each could learn from the other.
For many guys, sex is just penetration. That not only leaves out all the pleasure possibilities that come from other forms of sex, it also means their female partners are unlikely to actually experience much pleasure. Part of the reason for that focus on penis-in-vagina penetration might be how it’s often the primary focus in porn.
“The most unrealistic thing I see in a lot of mainstream porn is that female pleasure comes from penetrative sex alone,” says porn director, screenwriter and producer Erika Lust . “It's very rare to see foreplay, cunnilingus or clitoral stimulation in these films.”
Studies have shown that women are much more likely to climax with clitoral stimulation than they are with just penetration, and yet mainstream porn movies are often guilty of depicting penetration-only female climaxes that require little to no foreplay.
“There is usually hardly any build-up, it's just straight into genitals bashing against each other until the male 'money shot,'” says Lust. “This is outrageously unrealistic to me, because I know that this is not how most women experience pleasure.”
Without a proper amount of lubrication, said penetration can cause lesions in the vagina and anus. As you can imagine how painful that is for the person being penetrated, it’s not a ton of fun for the other person either.
That’s why it’s a smart sex practice to have some lube nearby, particularly for anal sex or if your partner doesn’t tend to produce a lot of vaginal lubrication (which can happen to some people even if they’re highly aroused). In porn, you rarely see the bottle of lube on the nightstand, let alone taking a moment to make use of it.
“Porn is fantasy, and the viewer wants to believe that performers are naturally turned on and 'wet' during the scene, and often seeing the application of lube is an 'interruption' of the sense of urgency between the two performers,” says Angie Rowntree, founder and director of Sssh.com , though she notes that some producers do show it being used.
“Some see introducing a bottle of lube as breaking the fourth wall; others view it as important to show, for realism and for political reasons, to remind viewers that it’s important to make sure your partner is well lubricated before penetration,” she adds.
One aspect where porn can give people a poor idea of what real sex is like is in the bodies that we see on screen.
“Not everyone is attracted to the same physical qualities or enjoys the same things in bed, and everyone’s got a number of different fantasies — it’s only human!” says Sarah Valmont, the head copywriter for Porn Discounts, and adult script and erotica writer-at-large for Sssh.com and Penthouse.
“Hence in the wider world of adult entertainment, there’s a niche for just about everything and anything physical,” she says, “whether you’re enjoying straight, gay, lesbian or trans content.”
Still, mainstream actors often don’t reflect the variety of humanity as well as we might hope. That makes sense — regardless of what they look like when they wake up, porn features people made up and groomed to look their best, and more conventionally attractive performers will have more mainstream success than others.
But all that sameness — young, skinny, tanned, and hairless bodies — can start to affect what people think is attractive, and it can be stressful for those whose looks (or self-perceptions) don’t match up.
Consider penis size , for instance — studies show most women don’t care about it, but men seem to be obsessed. Is part of the reason for that that they don’t see enough smaller penises in porn?
And yet, if porn featuring well-hung guys is more popular, it makes sense for the industry to seek those performers out even if they’re in the minority.
When was the last time you saw a mistake happen in porn?
While porn sex is meticulously planned and edited to make sure the final product is full of smooth transitions and ends the right way, real sex just isn’t like that.
“I shoot for one whole day of at least 12 hours in order to make one short film of 15 to 25 minutes,” says Lust of her work for XConfessions.com . “There is a lot that will be edited out, especially the pre-sex discussion about boundaries, or the preparations for sex toys and lube being used. Compared to real life sex, the foreplay might not last as long as it should, things might seem to move more quickly, and penetrative is sex is 'the sex.' Plus, positions are staged for the camera, and awkward fumbles might be edited out.”
Alice Vaughn, co-host of the " Two Girls One Mic: The Porncast " podcast, notes in real-life sex, it’s key to call out that “mistakes happen, things get messy, holes are missed, there might be chafing, laughter from bumping your heads, queefing, asking what position to switch to next, etc.”
As well, the fact that it’s going on the record can mean what’s happening will always feature the actors giving it their best shots, something that’s not realistic when it’s not being filmed for money.
“The camera can make you a better lover, as it compels you to put in your best effort with heightened professional standards, a permanent record of the moment, potentially a global audience,” says Ben Lawson, founder of Tantra Punk . “It's counter-intuitive because you'd think you'd be acting out and faking it for the camera, but in reality the added excitement of the production experience can make men harder, women wetter, and orgasms more loud and powerful.”
Without an understanding that sex can involve screw-ups, it can be easy to compare your performance to the perfectly synchronized porn actors’ movements, and feel distinctly lacking by comparison.
The lack of awkwardness also translates to very straightforward sex that occurs without pauses for any type of discussion.
While it might be arousing for some to see one actor dominate another without asking for permission, in real life, that kind of dynamic is more likely to lead to consent violations than hot sex.
In porn, the types of “discussions of consent and what position you're switching into next never happen,” says Vaughn. “Somehow, the actors both telepathically know what the other wants, and how to please their partner.”
Vaughn notes that at the root of that apparent telepathy is instances of the director’s requests being edited out, along with meticulous pre-shoot planning.
“There are specific key shots required, so the positions of the scenes are laid out and there’s a bit of rehearsal,” says porn actor Avery Black . “The director says what positions need to be shot, and I’ll stretch my limbs and contort my body to see if I can hold or switch between the required positions.”
As for the positions themselves? Well, bad news — porn positions prioritize visual appeal over sexual pleasure. If you’re taking sex position cues from the porn you’re watching, you’re probably leaving the best options out.
“In real life we don’t open up for the camera,” notes Rowntree. “In porn, though, we angle our bodies toward the camera so that it can capture the 'action.' This is why in porn you don’t see super intimate body language and the two people enveloping each other in an embrace during intercourse — it would obscure 'the hardcore shot.'”
How does that play out? In various different ways, according to Rowntree. Apart from the common practice of actors putting their hands behind their backs, there’s the reverse cowgirl position, for instance:
“You see a lot of reverse cowgirl in porn scenes because it’s such a great shot for the cameraperson, in the sense that you can see the girl’s nude body and the 'hardcore shot,'” she says. In real life, however, it’s a position with little intimacy that’s quite difficult for the person being penetrated to maintain for long periods of time.
That same positioning dynamic affects oral sex, too. While fellatio is fairly easy to capture as is, realistic cunnilingus is a little bit harder, and it’s given rise to something known as “pornalingus.”
Depending on the angle of the shot, the director might get the actor to be positioned in a certain u
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