Is Polyamory For Me
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From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
"Polyamorous" redirects here. For the Breaking Benjamin song, see Polyamorous (song). For the reality TV show, see Polyamory: Married & Dating.
Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved.[1][2] It has been described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy".[3][4][5] People who identify as polyamorous may believe in an open relationship with a conscious management of jealousy and reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed, long-term loving relationships.[6][7] Others prefer to restrict their sexual activity to only members of the group, a closed polyamorous relationship which is usually referred to as polyfidelity.[8][9]
Polyamory has come to be an umbrella term for various forms of non-monogamous, multi-partner relationships, or non-exclusive sexual or romantic relationships.[10][11][12] Its usage reflects the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved, but with recurring themes or values, such as love, intimacy, honesty, integrity, equality, communication, and commitment.[4][2]
The word polyamorous first appeared in an article by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart, "A Bouquet of Lovers", published in May 1990 in Green Egg Magazine, as "poly-amorous".[13] In May 1992, Jennifer L. Wesp created the Usenet newsgroup alt.polyamory, and the Oxford English Dictionary cites the proposal to create that group as the first verified appearance of the word.[13] In 1999 Zell-Ravenheart was asked by the editor of the OED to provide a definition of the term, and she provided it for the UK version as "the practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved."[14] The words polyamory, polyamorous, and polyamorist were added to the OED in 2006.[15]
Some reference works define "polyamory" as a relational form (whether interpersonal or romantic or sexual) that involves multiple people with the consent of all the people involved, like Oxford Living Dictionaries, Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary & Thesaurus, and Dictionary.com.[16][17][18][19] Some criticized the Merriam-Webster definition of polyamory, which defines the term as "the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time,"[20] as missing a "vital component": consent.[21]
The word polyamory combines the Greek word for many (poly) and the Latin word for love (amor).[22]
Consensual non-monogamy, which polyamory falls under,[23] can take many different forms, depending on the needs and preferences of the individual(s) involved in any specific relationship or set of relationships. As of 2019 fully one fifth of the United States population has, at some point in their lives, engaged in some sort of consensual non-monogamy.[24]
Separate from polyamory as a philosophical basis for relationships are the practical ways in which people who live polyamorously arrange their lives and handle certain issues, as compared to those of a more conventional monogamous arrangement.[6] People of different sexual preferences are a part of the community and form networks of relationships, with consent and agreement of their partners.[25][26][27] Many things differentiate polyamory from other types of non-monogamous relationships. It is common for swinging and open couples to maintain emotional monogamy while engaging in extra-dyadic sexual relations.[28] Similarly, the friend/partner boundary in monogamous relationships and other forms of non-monogamy is typically fairly clear. Unlike other forms of non-monogamy, though, "polyamory is notable for privileging emotional intimacy with others."[29] Benefits of a polyamorous relationship might include:[30] the ability of individuals to discuss issues with multiple partners, potentially mediating and thus stabilizing a relationship, and reducing polarization of viewpoints, and emotional support and structure from other committed adults within the familial unit. Other benefits include a wider range of adult experience, skills, resources, and perspective and support for companionate marriages, which can be satisfying even if no longer sexually vital, since romantic needs are met elsewhere. This acts to preserve existing relationships.[31] A final benefit is more emotional, intellectual and sexual needs met as part of the understanding that one person cannot be expected to provide them all. Conversely, polyamory offers release from the monogamist expectation that one person must meet all of an individual's needs (sex, emotional support, primary friendship, intellectual stimulation, companionship, social presentation).
Polyamorous communities are present in countries within Europe, North America, Oceania, South America, Asia, and Africa. The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction estimating that there were half-a-million "openly polyamorous families" in the United States in July 2009.[32][33] Additionally, 15-28% of heterosexual couples and about half of gay and bisexual people have a "non-traditional" arrangement of some kind as reported in The Guardian in August 2013.[34] Polyamorous communities have been said to be outwardly feminist as women were central to the creation of such communities and gender equality is a central tenet.[32] For those who are polyamorous, social distancing, as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic, created ripples in existing relationships, leading some to split apart and others to struggle to maintain their connections with one another.[35][36][37]
A large percentage of polyamorists define fidelity not as sexual exclusivity, but as faithfulness to the promises and agreements made about a relationship.[38][39][40] As a relational practice, polyamory sustains a vast variety of open relationship or multi-partner constellations, which can differ in definition and grades of intensity, closeness and commitment.[41] Specifically, polyamory can take the forms of a triad of three people in an intimate relationship, a poly family of more than three people, one person as the pivot point of a relationship (a "vee"), a couple in a two-person relationship which portrays other relationships on their own, and various other intimate networks of individuals.[42][26][32] There are also those who are swingers and engage in polyamory, or engage in poly-dating.[42] A poly family is sometimes called "kitchen table polyamory,"[43] a style of polyamory in which all members of a particular polycule are comfortable and connected enough with each other that it is not uncommon for them to literally gather around the kitchen table, as they may spend holidays, birthdays, or other important times together as a large group. This style places an emphasis on family-style connections, not all members are necessarily sexually or romantically involved with every other person in the group.[44][45] Other styles of polyamory include parallel polyamory where members of individual relationships prefer not to meet or know details of their partners' other relationships,[44][45] and solo polyamory in which the individual has or is comfortable with having multiple intimate (romantic or sexual) relationships without wanting to cohabit or "nest" with any one partner, eschewing the "relationship escalator" which holds that relationships must follow a progression, or "escalator" from dating, to being exclusive, to becoming engaged, getting married and having children.[46][47] For some, polyamory functions as an umbrella term for the multiple approaches of 'responsible non-monogamy'.[41] A secret sexual relationship that violates those accords would be seen as a breach of fidelity. Polyamorists generally base definitions of commitment on considerations other than sexual exclusivity, e.g. "trust and honesty" or "growing old together".[48] In an article in Men's Health, Zachary Zane states that commitment in a polyamorous relationship means that "you will be there for that person," supporting them taking care of them, and loving them.[49]
Because there is no "standard model" for polyamorous relationships, and reliance upon common expectations may not be realistic, polyamorists advocate explicitly negotiating with all involved to establish the terms of their relationships, and often emphasize that this should be an ongoing process of honest communication and respect. Polyamorists typically take a pragmatic approach to their relationships; many accept that sometimes they and their partners will make mistakes and fail to live up to these ideals, and that communication is important for repairing any breaches.[50][51] They also argue that polyamory is a response to challenges of relationships of a monogamous nature.[32]
Polyamory has been defined as loving more than one person at once, with respect, trust, and honesty for all partners.[50][51][52] Ideally, a partner's partners are accepted as part of that person's life rather than merely tolerated, and usually a relationship that requires deception or a "don't ask don't tell" policy is seen as a less than ideal model. Out additionally described polyamory as "not a sexuality" but is actually "having multiple intimate relationships."[53]
Some polyamorists view excessive restrictions on other deep relationships as less than desirable, as such restrictions can be used to replace trust with a framework of ownership and control. It is usually preferred or encouraged that a polyamorist strive to view their partners' other significant others, often referred to as metamours or OSOs,[54][55] in terms of the gain to their partners' lives rather than a threat to their own (see compersion). Therefore, jealousy and possessiveness are generally viewed not so much as something to avoid or structure the relationships around, but as responses that should be explored, understood, and resolved within each individual, with compersion as a goal.[56] This is related to one of the types of polyamory, which is non-hierarchal, where "no one relationship is prioritized above the rest"[26] and the fact that polyamorists insist working through problems in their relationships "through open communication, patience, and honesty."[32]
Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy. In the context of polyamorous relationships, it describes positive feelings experienced by an individual when their intimate partner is enjoying another relationship.[57][52][58] Some have called it "the opposite or flip side of jealousy,"[59] is analogous to the "joy parents feel when their children get married,"[60] and a "positive emotional reaction to a lover's other relationship."[45] The concept of compersion was originally coined by the Kerista Commune in San Francisco.[58][61][62]
Polyamory, along with other forms of consensual non-monogamy, is not without drawbacks. Morin (1999) and Fleckenstein (2014) noted that certain conditions are favorable to good experiences with polyamory, but that these differ from the general population.[63][64] Heavy public promotion of polyamory can have the unintended effect of attracting people to it for whom it is not well-suited. Unequal power dynamics, such as financial dependence, can also inappropriately influence a person to agree to a polyamorous relationship against their true desires. Even in more equal power dynamic relationships, the reluctant partner may feel coerced into a proposed non-monogamous arrangement due to the implication that if they refuse, the proposer will pursue other partners anyway, will break off the relationship, or that the one refusing will be accused of intolerance.[65]
Polyamorous relationships present practical pitfalls. One common complaint from participants is time management, as more partners means one must divide one's time and attention up between them, leaving less for each.[66] Related is that the complexity of the arrangement can lead to so much effort being spent on the relationship that personal, individual needs can be overlooked.[67] The strong emphasis on communication can unintentionally marginalize partners who are less articulate.[67] Finally, negotiating the sometimes complex rules and boundaries of these relationships can be emotionally taxing, as can reconciling situations where one partner goes outside those boundaries.[67][66] Some therapists argue that polyamory is not good for relationships, saying it is a "recipe for hurt, disappointment, jealousy, and breakups,"[68]
In 1998, a Tennessee court granted guardianship of a child to her grandmother and step-grandfather after the child's mother April Divilbiss and partners outed themselves as polyamorous on MTV. After contesting the decision for two years, Divilbiss eventually agreed to relinquish her daughter, acknowledging that she was unable to adequately care for her child and that this, rather than her polyamory, had been the grandparents' real motivation in seeking custody.[69]
In 2010, Ann Tweedy, a legal scholar, argued that polyamory could be considered a sexual orientation under existing United States law.[70] This argument was opposed by Christian Keese, who wrote in 2016 that advocating a "sexual orientation model of polyamory is likely to reduce the complexity and transformative potential of poly intimacies," while also limiting reach and scope of possible litigation, obstruct the ability of poly activists to form alliances with other groups, and increase the possibility that poly activists will have to settle for legal solutions which are "exclusive and reproductive of a culture of privilege."[71]
In 2016, writer Rebecca Ruth Gould called for non-monogamy, including polyamory, to receive "the legal recognition it deserves," saying that polyamory remains a "negative identity."[72]
In June 2018, a court in Newfoundland and Labrador recognized three unmarried adults as legal parents of a child who was born within the polyamorous family they had formed.[73]
In June 2020, the city council of Somerville, Massachusetts voted to recognize polyamorous domestic partnerships in the city, becoming the first American city to do so. This measure was passed so that those in a polyamorous relationship would have access to their partners' health insurance, amid the COVID-19 pandemic.[74][75][76][77] The following month, the Cambridge, Massachusetts City Council advanced legislation that would "give domestic partnerships with more than two people the same legal benefits that married couples have."[78] However, although the proposed measure passed to a second reading, no action was taken on the measure in the other City Council meetings in 2020.[79]
In November 2020, the issue of polyamory came to the Supreme Court of Vermont in the form of a dispute between two men and a woman in a polyamorous relationship.[80]
Most western countries do not recognize polygamous marriages, and consider bigamy a crime. Several countries also prohibit people from living a polygamous lifestyle. This is the case in some states of the United States where the criminalization of a polygamous lifestyle originated as anti-Mormon laws, although they are rarely enforced.[81] Having multiple non-marital partners, even if married to one, is legal in most U.S. jurisdictions; at most it constitutes grounds for divorce if the spouse is non-consenting, or feels that the interest in a further partner has destabilized the marriage. In some jurisdictions, like North Carolina, a spouse can sue a third party for causing "loss of affection" in or "criminal conversation" (adultery) with their spouse,[82] while more than twenty states in the US have laws against adultery, although they are infrequently enforced[83] due to the Supreme Court's ruling in Lawrence v. Texas.
Polyamory, however, is on a continuum of family-bonds that includes group marriage[84] and it does not refer to bigamy as long as no claim to being married in formal legal terms is made.[85][86] The Social History of the American Family: An Encyclopedia (2014, edited by Marilyn J. Coleman and Lawrence H. Ganong) stated that under existing U.S. federal law, a polyamorous relationship is legal in all 50 states while polygamy is not.[87] On November 23rd, 2011, the Supreme Court of British Columbia ruled that the anti-polygamy law of Canada does not affect unformalized polyamorous households; this is why Polyamory Day is celebrated every year on November 23rd.[88] Even so, those in polyamorous relationships often face legal challenges when it comes to custody, morality clauses, adultery and bigamy laws, housing, and where they live.[89][90]
In 2012, legal scholar Deborah Anapol called for the revision of existing U.S. laws against bigamy to permit married persons to enter into additional marriages, provided that they have first given legal notice to their existing marital partner or partners, with a "dyadic networks" model.[91] In 2015, another legal scholar, Ronald C. Den Otter, wrote in the Emory Law Journal (in the article "Three May Not Be a Crowd: The Case for a Constitutional Right to Plural Marriage") that in the United States the constitutional rights of due process and equal protection fully support marriage rights for polyamorous families.[92]
During a PinkNews question-and-answer session in May 2015, Redfern Jon Barrett questioned Natalie Bennett, leader of the Green Party of England and Wales, about her party's stance towards polyamorous marriage rights. Bennett responded by saying that her party is "open" to discussion on the idea of civil partnership or marriages between three people.[93] Bennett's announcement aroused media controversy on the topic and led to major international news outlets covering her answer.[94][95] A follow-up article written by Barrett was published by PinkNews on May 4, 2015, further exploring the topic.[96] In most countries, it is legal for three or more people to form and share a sexual relationship (subject sometimes to laws against homosexuality or adultery if two of the three are married). With only minor exceptions no developed countries permit marriage among more than two people, nor do the majority of countries give legal protection (e.g., of rights relating to children) to non-married partners. Individuals involved in polyamorous relationships are generally considered by the law to be no different from people who live together, or "date", under other circumstances. In 2017, John Alejandro Rodriguez, Victor Hugo Prada, and Manuel Jose Bermudez became Colombia's first polyamorous family to have a legally recognized relationship,[97] though not a marriage, as by Colombian law, marriage is between two people, so they instead called it a "special patrimonial union."[98][99] Some have called for domestic partnership laws to be expanded to include polyamorous couples[100] and have said that marriage-like entitlements should apply to such couples.[101]
In later years, in the debate over same-sex marriage, neither those for nor those against it favored polygamy itself, with agreement that multiparty marriage should remain impossible. In the case of polyamory, which is different from polygyny, there was little public debate about its existence.[102] This is because some advocates of same-sex marriage became leery to associate with polyamory because they thought it would "give their enemies ammunition."[32] If marriage is intended, some countries provide for both a religious marriage and a civil ceremony (sometimes combined). These recognize and formalize the relationship. Few countries outside of Africa or Asia give legal recognition to marriages with three or more partners. While a relationship of three people being formalized in the Netherlands in 2005 was read by some conservativ
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