Is My Wife A Lesbian

Is My Wife A Lesbian

Kathy Belge is a writer and coauthor of Lipstick & Dipstick’s Essential Guide to Lesbian Relationships and Queer: The Ultimate LGBT Guide for Teens.

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What are some signs you might be a lesbian? Is there a test to see if you are a lesbian or not? When you are questioning your sexuality and wondering if you are a lesbian or not, you may be hoping there are certain signs that will help you figure it out. Although this is not a sure-fire test, if you experience three or more of these eight signs, you might be a lesbian. It’s worth investigating further.

These are a few signs that you might be a lesbian or bisexual. Of course, there is no 100% sure way to tell. Discovering your sexual orientation takes time and self-exploration. Be patient with yourself and give yourself the time you need to figure it out.

When you’re on a date with a guy, you’re thinking about how you can’t wait until it’s over so you can call your BFF--Not to tell her about the date, but to hear her voice and listen to how her day was. And then to make a plan to see her soon. All of this before you plan a second date with the dude.

When you watch movies, your eyes are drawn to the female lead and not the hunky male. You can’t help noticing how beautiful she is and you watch the movie over and over just to see that one moment where the camera closes in on her slightly parted lips and all you can think about is kissing them.

When you’re out on the town or at the mall, you tend to notice girls first and eventually you notice that there’s a man there too. You do this before you even think. It's an instinct.

You seek out girls and women for friendships, conversations, support, and fun. All of your best friends are women, except maybe a few sensitive or gay men.

You’ve asked yourself “Am I a lesbian?” “Am I gay?” “ Am I bisexual? ” If you’re asking yourself these questions, it’s a sign that you could be lesbian or bisexual. People who are not attracted to the same sex don’t tend to ask themselves if they are gay or not.

You’ve had a relationship with a woman and it was great. It’s over now and so you don’t know if it was a one-off thing or if you’re a lesbian for real. If you’ve had one relationship with a woman, chances are you have the capability to fall in love with a woman again, even if you’ve dated men before or since.

You get tingly feelings when you read lesbian romance or watch lesbian romantic movies. When you watch a romantic movie or read a lesbian romance novel, you feel something deep inside when the couple kisses for the first time. You imagine yourself in a similar situation and it makes you feel happy and good inside. You have a sense of longing that echoes that of the heroines of the romance.

Although you don’t need to have kissed someone or had sex to know if you are a lesbian or not, if you have and you liked it, that’s a positive sign that you might be a lesbian. It is especially a good sign if when you’re kissing you feel a desire to go further than just kissing.

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Why do lesbians have affairs with married women?
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Welcome to Ravishly, where we celebrate the mess of being human. A community for sharing what makes us tick, what ticks us off, plus pictures of our dogs (or cats – inclusivity is important). We laugh. We cry. We do it all together.
It's surprisingly common — but that doesn't mean it'll end well.
Do lesbians fall for women who are married to men? All the time! And if that's you, be prepared for things to get hard. Don't expect it to be easy or for the wife to depart her marriage without a lot of hesitating, questioning, and false promises. She and her husband have a life and probably a house and kids and bills and extended family.
Who is responsible for this messy situation?
Sometimes it's the wife. She's unhappy in her relationship with a man and she's trying to figure out how to feel better about life.
Even though she's been questioning her sexual preferences for a while, she may believe she has to stay married. Maybe she's not attracted to her husband anymore and is wondering if she's a lesbian. Maybe he's not paying attention to her and she's lonely. Maybe she got married for all the wrong reasons and is looking for answers. Or maybe she just got drunk one night and decided a lesbian encounter would be a great experience and a story to tell her friends.
On the other hand, the problem may stem from you. Perhaps you are a lesbian who prefers more feminine women and finds it hard to meet femme or lipstick lesbians. Or you're a lesbian who finds heterosexual women sexy and likes to flirt with straight, married women because it's a great way to feel powerful, seductive, and connected to someone who isn't really available.
Once in a while I hear from two married women who are having an affair with each other and aren't sure what to do. They aren't defining themselves as lesbians but have discovered they'd rather be with each other than with their husbands.
Dr. Lisa Diamond of University of Utah does research on human sexuality and has spent a lot of time looking at why women become attracted to other women. She has concluded from her years of research that women are more open and more fluid in how they connect to other individuals than we generally think. And that sometimes, when a woman forms a very strong emotional bond to another woman, sexual attraction can follow. These women are not necessarily repressed lesbians as much as they are expanding their sexual preferences based on a deep emotional connection.
Of course, ultimately, affairs between a lesbian and a married women happen because there is something wrong with the wife's marriage.
When a relationship goes into the doldrums and distance starts to grow between a couple, an affair always becomes a possibility. Especially when someone shows up and starts paying attention to a woman who is lonely and desperately wants someone to really see her and appreciate her.
It can also be easy for a married woman to tell her husband about the time she is spending with another woman. Certainly much easier than trying to spend time with another man. When a married woman is hanging out with a female friend, many husbands never question it. Something really odd has to happen for a husband to even notice.
But most of the time, the cat gets out of the bag; the husband finds out or the wife tells. Then what happens?
The husband gets really mad and throws the lesbian out, telling her never to come back. She sneaks around for ages trying to get the wife to leave her husband but the wife won't go. The lesbian is heartbroken and alone.
The husband says he loves his wife and is open to letting her try this out and get it out of her system. They experiment with an open relationship, sometimes all living in the same house together. This works for a while and then someone gets upset. Most often that's the husband, saying he's done being nice about it and wants his wife back. The lesbian is heartbroken. The wife may be too, but she's too scared to leave.
Once in a while, the wife leaves her husband. Then there is a big mess to get through because of the divorce. However, this is actually a happy outcome for a lesbian and will hopefully lead to a long and happy relationship for both women.
I'd like to say it's simply because you don't believe you can find love any other way. But nothing about love or sex is that simple when it comes to women.
If you're about to have an affair with a married women, think twice.
Affairs happen. Some couples survive them. Some wives leave husbands for their lesbian lovers, but many lesbians are left out in the cold when it all falls apart.
Learn to take care of your heart and yourself. Get connected to a great therapist, counselor or coach who can help you navigate the decisions that will lead you to a great life and a great love.
Life is hard, but it's better when you're not alone. Sign up for our newsletter and get our Self-Care and Solidarity eBook just because we love you!

My wife's sexuality is tearing us apart
Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning
© 2022 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. (modern)
I am 41 and have been married to the love of my life for 10 years. We have three sons. Two years ago, my wife formed a close relationship with a lesbian friend, which became intense. She claimed she was merely supporting her friend through breast cancer, but I discovered text messages between them that were sexual in nature. My wife said she had wanted to find some "safe" excitement, but denied they had a sexual relationship. I gave her an ultimatum, the situation seemed to be resolved and the friend moved away.
A year ago my job was under threat so we decided I should take a new job that meant living away from home. We agreed that the family would follow on. My wife became distant and now says that she had been suppressing her attraction to her friend (with whom she has remained in contact), and feels she must now accept that she might be gay herself and can't rule out a relationship with this woman, who she has since admitted kissing. She has arranged to see a counsellor on her own to explore what her sexuality is, so she can "move on". She says she loves me and our family, but that if she is gay, our marriage must end. She refuses to have sex with me.
I feel angry and betrayed and believe my absence from the family home is adversely affecting our children - my wife says she is no longer willing for the family to move. I understand that she wants to "find herself", but I feel powerless and bewildered.
There must be many women - I'm one of them - who discovered their true sexual orientation only after they had toed the conventional line of marriage and children. It is obviously much easier for women to fake heterosexuality than it is for men.
I'm sure your wife is now coming to the realisation that she is gay and is trying to take steps to come to terms with this at a later stage in her life. I sympathise with you in your anguish, which is all the greater because children are involved. However, please try to accept that one's sexuality, whether homosexual or heterosexual, is a defining feature of one's personality and that your wife must be allowed to acknowledge her true orientation. Please don't think she is just doing this for kicks. HN, via email
To discover that the "love of your life" has been keeping such a big secret from you for all these years must have come as a devastating shock. Perhaps it was a slow realisation for her too, but nonetheless, the person you thought you knew, loved and trusted is not who you thought she was. This will inevitably make you feel that your life is not what you thought it was. Everything has changed, so it is no wonder you feel bewildered.
Beneath your anger, I am sure you also feel very rejected - as a father, husband and lover. You're being told that you are no longer needed. Your wife's reason may be both understandable and unavoidable, but that doesn't change the fact that you are the one being left out in the cold.
I have seen many individuals who have struggled with their partner's sexuality, and one of the universal reactions to such revelations is a feeling that they should have known. They ask themselves: Did I miss the signs? Have I been in denial? Did I make them gay? This sense of self-doubt compounds feelings of isolation. Many people find it difficult to talk about their relationship problems for fear of judgment and when sexuality is involved this can be even harder.
You need time to come to terms with what has happened. Talk to friends and family and get as much support from them as you can. If it is too difficult to speak to people you know, consider seeing a counsellor or contacting an online support service, such as the Straight Spouse Network.
Read The Other Side of the Closet by Amity Pierce Buxton, which includes stories of people who have been through similar experiences to yours. Paula Hall, relationship psychotherapist with Relate
It would be extremely difficult for anyone to cope well with the changes you have experienced during the past few years. The birth of three children, a threat to your job and financial security, and relocation away from home - these alone are stressful. Now, you have been asked to accept that your wife may leave you - for a woman. Your own description of how you are feeling - angry and betrayed, powerless and bewildered - is particularly apt, because I suspect you are someone who lives more by reason than by emotion. But now you can no longer suppress your feelings.
You are angry with your wife because she is excluding you from the decision-making process that will affect not only her, but the whole family. This is an entirely understandable reaction. However, you are also furious with her because she is not the person you thought she was, or the person you want her to be. That is also understandable, but it is not reasonable. You are also berating yourself because, looking back now, you can see that there were a number of occasions when you sensed things were not right, yet you failed to react. Regret is futile, though, because you can't change the past.
Anger is often accompanied by fear - fear of losing something precious. You are "losing" the wife you thought you had, and you must find ways to accept her as she is, even if you can't relate to her as you once did. You are also losing the family life, and the future, you assumed you would have.
These are huge losses, and you must grieve for them before you can move on. This is difficult to do alone - you will need someone discreet and compassionate to help you work through these feelings. Is there anyone who can do this? If not, I suggest you seek the help of a skilled counsellor; you can ask your GP to refer you to one. Alternatively, contact the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy on 01455 883316 or the British Association of Psychotherapists on 020 8452 9823 to find a therapist.
Once you have come to terms with the injustice of your situation, you will be able to think logically. At that point, you will have to consider what is most important to you: your wife, your children, your own sexual desires, or your career. It is totally unfair that you should have to do this, but it is the only way you can progress to the next stage of your life.
If your children come first, you will need to look for another job - any job - that will allow you to live near them. It would also be wise to seek legal advice, so you know your parental rights, if your wife decides to press for divorce.
If your relationship with your wife matters most, you will have to be patient while she works through her confusion and you may have to accept a relationship with her that isn't sexual. If you don't feel that you could adjust to a marriage without sex, you may decide to separate from your wife, to make it easier to find a partner who shares your sexual orientation. If your career is the priority, you may have to continue to live some distance away from your family, and visit as often as possible. None of these choices necessarily excludes the others. But setting your priorities will help you find your way forward. Linda Blair
Private Lives appears every Thursday. If you would like to respond to this week's problem, please post your comment below.
If you would like fellow readers and Linda Blair to answer a dilemma of yours, send us an outline of the situation of around 250 words. All correspondence should reach us by Tuesday morning: email private.lives@theguardian.com (please don't send attachments) or write to Private Lives, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU.
This article was amended on Wednesday 28 January 2009. We have updated the advice given about counselling services.

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Dec 17, 2016

This is going to be tough. My wife and I have been together for 14 years and we have 4 children ages 5, 3, 3, and 5 months. We both work full time and have been in a new city for about a year and a half. No family or friends when we came. We had moved from another city with little to no friends where my wife gave birth to our twins. We have been so busy with kids and moving new jobs over the past couple of years. We have been even more busy with this brand new baby.
You all can imagine the toll of having no friends, new jobs, new cities, new houses, new everything all while both working full time. My job makes it so I have to be out of town for three nights every week also. I have to leave my wife behind to take care off all 4 kids alone for three days. This has taken a toll on both her and I. I feel sick every time I leave for work knowing that I have to leave here with suck a burden. When I get home I do everything I can to keep the house in order, food in the fridge, yard work done, anything I can do to lighten her load. So this has been going on for about a year and a half with this new job of mine and the past 5 months we have added the baby into the mix. We are super stressed and sleep deprived and ready for it all to get better.
My job is not the best paying job so we are very tight on money but I will be getting a very large pay increase at the begging of the year. Financial stress to boot.
Well my wife made some friends at work that we would hang out with once in a blue moon. They had kids our age as well and my wife worked closely with the other woman. There were several women that worked very closely together at her work. About two months ago they started hanging out on nights that i was home from work. I was all about my wife going out and having friends. We had been waiting for some kind of support system for her to go out and have fun. I encouraged her to go out because we had not had good friends around in years. I'm still just chugging along doing everything I think I am suppose as a husband and father. Changing diapers, making lunch, and all the daily tasks that need to be done. I had neglected my wife more than I would like to admit and she me. From her perspective I can imagine I was the sole reason for the neglect but everythi
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