Is Bdsm Bad

Is Bdsm Bad

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Belfast
Birmingham
Bristol
Cardiff
Coventry
Edinburgh
Leeds
Leicester
Liverpool
London
Manchester
Sheffield

Mental Health

Addiction

Anxiety

ADHD

Asperger's

Autism

Bipolar Disorder

Chronic Pain

Depression

Eating Disorders

Personality

Passive Aggression

Personality

Shyness

Personal Growth

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Low Sexual Desire

Relationships

Sex

Family Life

Child Development

Parenting

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Trending Topics

Coronavirus Disease 2019

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Neuroscience

There are many temptations to organize our life around the experience of earlier trauma. But that may short-change the future—which starts by our envisioning something better.

Posted April 15, 2009

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Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Sadomasochism can be considered a type of sexual play, preference, or identity where an individual derives satisfaction from receiving pain, inflicting pain, or both. Often called "S&M," sadomasochism is part of a large category of consensual sex practices and lifestyles called BDSM . BDSM is an acronym for "bondage and discipline," "dominance and submission," and "sadism and masochism."
Sadomasochism can be difficult for people to understand, and for some it can seem downright scary. For individuals who prefer a more "vanilla" sexual life with no kink, it can seem odd that there are people who want to be whipped, uncomfortably chained to a cross, caned, or otherwise tortured. Equally as disturbing can be imagining oneself being the person who enjoys doing these things to others. For many people, the practices associated with sadomasochism can bring up strong reactions, one of them commonly being, "That's dangerous!"
In an article published by ABC News last year, and in other articles from mainstream news sources over the past few years, this seems to be the reaction. The ABC article, entitled, " Love Hurts: Sadomasochism's Dangers ," discusses a 67-year old man who was rushed to the emergency room after losing consciousness in a sex club. He had passed out during an S&M scene that involved him hanging by his arms from a cross, and the damage was so severe that it took him a few days to regain consciousness. The article discusses how lucky the man is to be alive, and goes on to talk about the more unfortunate individuals who have died while engaging in S&M practices. Not surprisingly, the article's main message, as expressed by the sex experts they quote in the article, seems to be that people shouldn't get into dangerous sex.
It's true that some sex practices can be dangerous, and that people should always take precaution when experimenting with a new practice. But people can get injured or die from a variety of activities. A SCUBA diving death is not uncommon, nor is a rock climbing death. Even dying during sex isn't uncommon after a certain age. What makes BDSM injuries and deaths so newsworthy is that they occurred during alternative sex practices that are not widely well understood. The mystery surrounding these practices allows people to be easily frightened, and it can make judgment seem a little more OK.
In the ABC News article, it seems like the reaction expressed ("That's dangerous!") is thinly masking a judgment toward BDSM. If the message is really just that S&M (and hence BDSM) can be dangerous for some people at some times, then it would make sense to give tips about how to reduce the danger (other than full abstinence). For instance, the dangers associated with BDSM can be greatly reduced by consensually playing with a caring, experienced partner, using safe words , and clearly defining boundaries ahead of time. There are many safety precautions taken by those who engage in BDSM, and nearly none of that information is presented in this article, which makes individuals who are into BDSM practices appear to be universally irresponsible and negligent.
In addition, the article appears to pathologize individuals who prefer BDSM to more normative sex practices, assuming them to be incapable of love. As quoted in the article, Judy Kuriansky, a sex psychologist, says, "There is a triumvirate of guilt , embarrassment , and fear of intimacy for these people ... It's rare that all of the sudden they can give up on being interested in pain and suddenly capable of being loved." It seems that while the article started with one reaction, that BDSM is dangerous, it ends with a judgment that BDSM is a shameful, rarely curable pathology that afflicts those who cannot experience love and intimacy. By asserting that the inclusion of S&M in sex precludes a person from experiencing love, the article is endorsing the idea that there is only one way to love. However, many individuals in BDSM communities vehemently disagree, and maintain that they do love, and that BDSM allows them to do this more fully. To quote Lee, the main character in the S&M-themed movie " Secretary ": "I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me."
So what's dangerous about BDSM? Is BDSM dangerous because it is bad for our health, or because it is non-normative and threatening to traditional views on love? Is BDSM only for deviants who can't love, or is BDSM just a different way of loving? Before deciding, it can be useful to take a look at the other side of the issue, from the perspective of those who enjoy BDSM in their lives. A few websites that explain pro-BDSM views are below.
Jennifer Sweeton is a doctoral student at Pacific Graduate School of Psychology-Stanford University School of Medicine Consortium.

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There are many temptations to organize our life around the experience of earlier trauma. But that may short-change the future—which starts by our envisioning something better.

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Forget Fifty Shades of Grey . Here’s your real primer on all things kink.
BDSM includes bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism & masochism (S&M). The terms are lumped together that way because BDSM can be a lot of different things to different people with different preferences, BDSM writer and educator Clarisse Thorn, author of The S&M Feminist , tells BuzzFeed Life. Most of the time, a person's interests fall into one or two of those categories, rather than all of them.
Most people think BDSM is always tied to sex, and while it can be for some people, others draw a hard line between the two. "Both are bodily experiences that are very intense and sensual and cause a lot of very strong feelings in people who practice them, but they're not the same thing," says Thorn. The metaphor she uses for it: a massage. Sometimes a massage, however sensual it feels, is just a massage. For others, a rubdown pretty much always leads to sex. It's kind of similar with BDSM; it's a matter of personal and sexual preference.
This is one of the most common and frustrating misconceptions about BDSM, says Thorn. BDSM isn't something that emerges from abuse or domestic violence, and engaging in it does not mean that you enjoy abuse or abusing.
Instead, enjoying BDSM is just one facet of someone's sexuality and lifestyle. "It's just regular people who happen to get off that way," sex expert Gloria Brame, Ph.D., author of Different Loving , tells BuzzFeed Life. "It's your neighbors and your teachers and the people bagging your groceries. The biggest myth is that you need this special set of circumstances. It's regular people who have a need for that to be their intimate dynamic."
"A lot of people starting out think it's 'all or nothing,' especially if you've only been with one partner," says Thorn. For instance, you might think that because you enjoyed being submissive under certain circumstances, that means you must agree to a whole host of submissive or masochistic behaviors that you're not necessarily into.
But that's absolutely wrong. You can — and should — pick and choose which BDSM activities you are and are not interested in, says Thorn. And that can vary depending on the situation, the partner, or even the day. Just remember that consent is a requirement in BDSM , and it's possible to consent to one thing while still objecting to another.
"In my experience, it's easier for people to get into BDSM if they don't have a history of abuse, people who are in a more stable place in their lives," says Thorn. A 2008 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that people who had engaged in BDSM in the past year were no more likely to have been coerced into sexual activity and were no more likely to be unhappy or anxious than those who didn't do BDSM. And actually, men who engaged in BDSM had lower scores of psychological distress than other men.
That said, BDSMers do not judge people who aren't into it, explains Thorn. The term "vanilla" isn't meant to be derogatory, just to refer to non-BDSM sexual acts or people who aren't interested in kink.
If you ever find yourself at a BDSM meet-up or dungeon, don't mention any shade of grey. While some people appreciate that the books spurred more interest in kink and may have made it less stigmatized, others take issue with the abusive, unhealthy relationship it portrays and the seriously unrealistic scenes. All in all, it is not an accurate representation of the BDSM community.
Sure, some S&M enthusiasts might have these in their arsenal, but it's definitely not everyone's cup of kink. "Some people go for what's called 'sensual dominance,' which is where there might be some toys or play but no pain involved at all," says Brame. "It's more like one partner agrees to do everything the other person asks. BDSM doesn't have to follow any pattern, and there is no one model for what a BDSM relationship can be."
Again, since it isn't always about intercourse, you wouldn't necessarily say that you "had sex" or "hooked up" with someone after a BDSM experience. Instead, these are called scenes (like, you scened with someone or you had a scene).
"It's an evolution from a time where, if you did S&M, you might only do it with a professional for an hour, or you might just see it performed at a BDSM club," says Brame. "Now people have much more organic relationships, but they still call it a scene — the time when we bring out the toys or get into that headspace."
So you've probably heard about dominants and submissives (if not, the dominant enjoys being in charge, while the submissive enjoys receiving orders). But BDSMers may also use the terms "tops" and "bottoms" to describe themselves. A top could refer to a dominant or a sadist (someone who enjoys inflicting pain), while a bottom could refer to a submissive or a masochist (someone who enjoys receiving pain). This allows you to have a blanket term for those who generally like being on either the giving or receiving end in a BDSM encounter. And there's no rule that says you can't be both dominant and submissive in different circumstances or with different partners.
Maybe the thought of being tied up excites you, or you enjoy spanking or being spanked. Or maybe you're more interested in leather masks and nipple clamps and hot wax. All of that (and obviously a lot more) is within the realm of BDSM. Basically, you can still be into kink without actually ever going to a dungeon.
Using a blindfold or an ice cube or fuzzy handcuffs you got at a bachelorette party are all relatively harmless beginner behaviors if you're into them. But before you play around with some of the trickier tools, you need to learn how to do so safely. Even a rope or a whip can be dangerous if you don't know what you're doing.
Hell, you can even mess up with your own hands (think: fisting): "[Some people] think they can clench a fist and stick it inside somebody," says Brame. "That's a good way to really injure someone and send them to the hospital." (Instead, she suggests an "enormous amount of lubricant" and starting with two or three fingers, then slowly and carefully building up to the whole hand.)
If you're one of those people who throws away the directions and tries to build the bookshelf on intuition alone, BDSM is probably not for you. "I would say the vast majority of what we call BDSM education is how to maximize ecstasy and minimize risk," says Brame. "How to do all the things you fantasized about doing and to do them safely."
While there's no one required reading list, there seem to be a few favorites that are often recommended to beginners, like SM 101 by Jay Wiseman, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns , by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon, and The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. [Editor's note: Have others you'd suggest? Please add them in the comments!]
Classes, conferences, and meet-ups are also helpful for learning specific techniques, says Thorn. Another popular resource is FetLife.com, a Facebook-like network for the kink community, which can connect you with message boards, groups, and classes in your area.
One mistake many people make when first experimenting with BDSM is relying on one person to show them the way. Even if they do have your best interest at heart (and they might not), it can be limiting to only have one perspective on something that is so multidimensional, says Thorn. Instead, seek out books, workshops, meet-ups, mentors, friends, message boards, and more to find a safe place to explore your interests.
"When you can't talk about what's happening and you can't make sense of your experience with like-minded people, that's way more dangerous than the variety of activities you might fantasize about," says Thorn.
It might sound cheesy, but it's a well-established norm in BDSM. (And hey, your safe word could actually be "cheesy" if you want. You do you.) "Safe words are probably one of the most important norms that have spread across the community, even if people use them in different ways," says Thorn. For instance, not everyone uses safe words all the time after a while, but it's important to start out with them. They can essentially be anything you want, as long as it's something that you wouldn't normally say during sex. You can find more info about safe words here .
"Dungeon monitors will kick out people who don't look like they're playing safely," says Brame. This can be anything from ignoring safe words to using a whip incorrectly. Seriously, did we mention that safety is paramount here? In fact, the acronym SSC (safe, sane, consensual) is one of the most common pillars of the practice.
Whenever people question the role of consent in BDSM, they should consider the enormous amount of communication that occurs before, during, and after the scenes. "We talk about it hugely before we ever do it," says Brame. "We talk about what we want to do, what we're going to do, what our fantasies are… that's part of negotiating a good relationship as a BDSMer."
Getting swept up in the moment and accidentally stumbling into a millionaire's red room (where you'll have multiple orgasms) is probably not going to happen to you ever. But, that's not necessarily a bad thing. "The sexual fantasy makes everything look so easy," says Brame. "People who actually do this stuff are very cautious about it. It has to be the right pla
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