Into Threesome

Into Threesome
by Gigi Engle Published: Dec 5, 2017
Gigi Engle is a writer, certified sexologist, sex coach, and sex educator. Her work regularly appears in many publications including Brides, Marie Claire, Elle Magazine, Teen Vogue, Glamour and Women's Health.
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Threesomes top the charts of many a sexual fantasy. Their popularity knows no bounds. According to a survey by ABC N ews , 21 percent of Americans have had a threesome fantasy.
So, what about those who have actually gone a step further and had sex in a trio, whether as a joining part or as part of a couple? What are those experiences like? We all want to know.
And if you’re thinking of trying a threesome, it doesn't hurt to know what you’re in for, plus how (or if) it will affect your relationships with the people involved.
To get the lowdown, we asked seven real people about their threesome experiences and how bringing this fantasy to life affected them afterward.
"My partner and I spent time with a female friend visiting from Canada. We spent an entire day in each other’s company, talking and laughing. We talked so late into the night that it made sense for her to stay at our place instead of driving her back to her hotel room. The three of us came together for a group hug and she nuzzled my neck. It was all the encouragement I needed. Our hands and mouths were everywhere at once. My partner was content to watch but in the heat of the moment, I desperately wanted to see them together. I invited him in—with her consent—and we switched back and forth between each other. I was overcome with emotion—positive emotions. I’d never experienced my partner’s pleasure from the outside looking in, but I could think of nothing better. I truly felt like my heart expanded to encompass the moment and their shared passion. I’d never loved him more than I did in that moment.
"After it was over and she went back home, we went through a bit of grief from missing her. My partner and I spent a lot of time checking with each other—and her. We talked over the details, and the few issues we’d felt. Specifically, I felt excluded once or twice—not from their play but from knowing about it. That’s when we learned that I was comfortable with much of what they did together (without me), but nothing could feel like a secret or an unknown. That was a moment in time when we learned we might have the capacity for a poly relationship and allowing other people into our relationship. We established ground rules (based on what we knew at the time) and communicated. We were fortunate that our threesome ended so well. We’re still friends with that person and there’s talk of having another experience when she visits again." — Kayla, 38
"While living in San Francisco, I was invited to a private party in Napa—a bunch of lovely ladies and some power couples in a lavish vineyard mansion. We had dinner and plenty of wine and started playing silly games. I remember being invited to bed by a couple—I had never had a threesome—but I was curious. I liked the gal but the guy was okay—I didn't want to have sex with him so I made my boundary clear upfront: I didn't want to be kissed by him or to have sex with him, but he was welcome to touch and please me. He was very respectful. His girlfriend and I came and we fell asleep.
"The next morning...we all had started getting naughty again...then suddenly one of the other girls happened to walk into our room and next thing I knew—she joined us and started eating me out. EVERYTHING was so surreal. But it was fun. Sorta like a bucket list I was happy to check off." — Erin*, 34
Watch men and women come up with names for these adventurous sex positions:
"I have had multiple threesomes in my life. Most of them took place during my late teens, early 20s, and before I reached age 30.
"There were two instances where I was actually in monogamous loving relationships and the other woman was a friend of my then girlfriend. It was something spontaneous after having alcohol and listening to music. The women didn't spend the night either time.
"There wasn't a discussion about it in either instance, and the next morning I woke up almost feeling as if it were a dream. The other women never came by my place again and when we were together socially at events, it was as if it never happened."— Kevin, 60
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"When I was in high school, I got super high with my girlfriend and this guy we were mutual friends with. I can’t even remember how it happened, but suddenly she was going down on him and I was making out with him. This went on for a long time, like, maybe forty minutes. There was no sex. It was just a weird experience. I’m 100 percent gay so, I’m not even sure why this seemed like a good idea at the time. We never spoke of it again after it happened. I kept dating the same girl for a while. Eventually we broke up for unrelated reasons." — Brittney, 27
"It happened several years ago, with a friend I'd known for some time. We weren't particularly close, but always warm to each other when we were together. She and her fiancé wanted to experiment (we were, then, in our late 30s/early 40s), and I was safe and just outside of their regular, everyday group of friends. It was a loving, friendly experience—he and I decided early on (almost unspoken), that it would be all about giving my friend the ultimate fantasy , so we let her direct the pace and the activities.
"For me, it was an absolutely incredible experience; casual, fun, warm and lighthearted, with incredible passionate feelings wrapped all around. It only happened that one time. I think they've gone on to have a polyamorous relationship and have been together for five or so years now. She and I still write and text with the occasional phone call." — Jake*, 44
"I was out for a friend's birthday, and I told him one of my life goals was to have a threesome with two dudes who weren't creepy. I also said it would probably never happen.
"The next day, the same friend had a party at the apartment he lived in with a bunch of my other friends. A guy started chatting me up, and he seemed nice. Then a guy I'd been laying the groundwork earlier that week showed up. Turned out, they were best friends. I felt a little moral dilemma, since I didn't have a strong opinion about which guy I'd rather be with. They didn't seem to mind that both of them were flirting with me at the same time, though.
"As I got a little drunker, I decided to literally grab one, kiss him real hard, then turn to the other and do the same (my logic in doing that is still a little fuzzy). However, they both decided to roll with it. None of us lived within walking distance, so we ended up hooking up on the stairs to the basement. I ended up with bruises at even intervals on my back—right under my butt, mid-back, and neck.
"While there wasn't any issue in the moment (they were basically like 'we both get to bang the hot chick'), they were also slightly interested in something further with me. But both ended up backing off for the sake of their friendship." — Janet, 28
"My best friend and I met this guy when we were on vacation in Hawaii. We’d never hooked up before, but decided we wanted to have a threesome with this guy. He was a hot, older surfer dude. The threesome started out really well. We were all about it and all a little drunk. After a while, though, it started getting awkward and weird. Going down on a girl I’ve known since I was thirteen, and have been through so much with, made me uncomfortable.
"After it was over, we didn’t talk about it for a couple of days. Eventually, when we got back from vacation, we hashed it out. Things weren’t the same for a long time. We didn’t hang out as much as we used to. It was painful. Luckily, after a year or so we reconnected on a closer level and now things are back to normal. I didn’t expect my threesome experience to affect my relationship with my best friend that much. It was a really eye-opening experience." — Marie, 25
"After ending a five year relationship with a male partner I was really excited to dive back into dating women (duh) and also wanted to enter back into the casual sex arena. I hopped onto the traditional and not so traditional apps (Bumble and Feeld) and ended up quickly clicking with a gorgeous redheaded goddess in a somewhat open marriage.
"After our first date she invited me to a concert with her, her husband and her group of friends. Plenty of drinks later the three of us stumbled into my apartment. I had been a part of a few threesomes before, but never with a married couple and honestly it was the BEST one I have ever been in because of how open everyone was, how well they anticipated what each of them wanted, and also because they were both focused on pleasing me (maybe I just love being the guest star). To be honest, beforehand, the thought of having a threesome with a couple made me nervous because of potential jealousy issues—but there weren't any here." — Lynn, 26
Gigi Engle is a sex educator and writer living in Chicago. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.
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There's a lot of mystery surrounding threesomes. You think you know what they'll be like or how you feel about them, but you can't totally know unless you've been there. Cosmopolitan.com spoke with seven women who have done it about what they learned from their threesome experiences.
1. Communication is more important than anything else you do the whole night. "While I enjoy spontaneous sex, it's vital that everyone has a similar set of expectations from the sexual encounter. Negotiate safer sex, comfort levels with different sexual acts, and be present with everyone involved as much as possible." —Crista-Anne, 33
2. Don't even think about trying to have a threesome to impress your boyfriend/a man. "It's not worth putting on an act if you're not into the idea. It'll just stress you out, make you feel jealous, and all parties involved won't have a good time." —Allie, 25
3. Don't be that creepy online couple looking for their third. "If you are in a partnership and want to find a third for a threesome, don't be that couple on dating sites that treats single folks like a piece of meat." —Crista-Anne
4. The least creepy way to meet your third is by being the most interesting couple in the bar. "You shouldn't put on a show, but you should make your relationship appear as fun, loving, open, and cool as it actually is, which is something that she'll want to be a part of. You have to be appealing as a unit, and not just the guy or the girl chatting her up solo." —Allie
5. Find someone who is looking for the same things you are. "The couple I first had threesomes with had a completely open relationship. I met her first and then ended up dating her husband for a bit. Being non-monogamous myself, they were perfect for what I wanted. There was no jealousy or issues about attention. In fact, there was a time I texted her to see if she wanted to hang out and she said she was out of town but her husband was at home if I wanted to see him. This is especially important if you're the third, since you want to protect yourself from any feelings they might have between each other that might affect you." —Ciara, 23
6. If you're doing it with your partner, make the whole process feel like a team activity. Come up with rules together. Find your third together. Plan the night together. "For me, each step of the way has been a fun bonding experience, from initially sharing the fantasy with one another, to seeking out potential partners. You really feel like you're in this together and are learning about one another." —Allie
7. Lots of guys are surprisingly cool with sleeping with their friends (in a threesome situation, at least). "I was surprised to find that guys talk about it with each other more than they do with you. When I got to my partner's house for the threesome, he turned it into a proposition for a foursome." —Lana, 20
8. But approach having sex with two guys who are friends with each other with caution . "I slept with two guys who were good friends and teammates who were fairly confrontational with each other and dictated positions as if they were playing sports. It was a bit overwhelming but I went with it and it was the steamiest sex I've ever had." —Lana
9. Finding a third person who everyone is attracted to can take a really, really long time. "You'll strike out a lot when looking for a partner, but the important thing to remember is that no matter what, at the end of the night, you still get to go home and have amazing sex with someone who knows and loves you. It's a win/win really." —Allie
10. Ask all the vital questions before the night of the threesome. "One guy I had a threesome with had a long-term girlfriend, which would've been good to know before that happened." —Lana
11. Always bring an extra condom. —Everyone (duh)
12. You might be shocked by the roles you end up enjoying. Be open-minded. "Before having a threesome I was positive that would ping my anxiety or make me feel like the lesser participant, but I was surprised by how much I enjoyed watching my lovers pleasure each other without feeling left out or uncomfortable." —Crista-Anne
13. You will definitely get weirded out the first time that third hand touches you. "I was making out with my partner when from behind I felt this hand moving my hair off the back of my neck and kissing it. You get so used to only having to account for one person that when another person gets thrown into the mix, it throws you off for a second. It doesn't matter how many threesomes I've had, that moment doesn't go away." —Ciara
14. Don't forget that everyone involved is a person, not just a sex partner. "Overall, having an amazing threesome has so much more to do with the interpersonal relationships of those involved than the physical sex acts themselves." —Crista-Anne
15. One drink can make you feel more at ease, but don't get too drunk. "Drunk sex is generally sloppy sex and I can't imagine having a drunk, sloppy threesome. There's just too much going on that demands your attention." —Ciara
16. Don't ever leave someone feeling like a third wheel. "Sometimes a helpful hand is enough to keep someone feeling included for certain portions of your engagement." —Katie, 24
17. Bringing in sex toys helps alleviate the third wheel problem. "I definitely suggest having toys around. Not only do they add to the experience, they help keep everyone engaged." —Katie
18. Most problems can be totally avoided by making sure your communication is on point. "All of the difficulties I've run into were at their core a communication problem. Hurt feelings because expectations were not addressed, feelings of inadequacy because of perceived favoritism. Lack of check-ins afterward to be present for any negative or confusing feelings." —Crista-Anne
19. Don't expect to just lie back while two people go to town on you. You're going to have to multitask. " My partner recently told me, 'A threesome isn't just a tag-team match. Ideally it's a free-for-all of pleasure. Otherwise it's more serial voyeurism, which isn't a bad thing, but often that isn't the goal.'" —Crista-Anne
20. Don't pretend like you're having a good time if you aren't! "When the threesome actually happens, you may find yourself suddenly uncomfortable, or not as excited or aroused as you thought you would be. I've heard from several men who so built up their own excitement and anticipation over having a threesome with two women that they were completely unable to perform under the pressure. If you're uncomfortable or can't perform, be honest and kind about it. There should be no shame in talking it over with your play partners." — Dedeker , 28
21. Don't be afraid to take a break if you or anyone reaches a point where they aren't sure about continuing. "Just because someone is feeling nervous or wants to step back, doesn't mean nothing can ever happen or that it's a complete disaster. Think about your first few times having sex: It's not always simple and clear what to do." —Katie
22. Check in afterward to make sure everyone is feeling awesome and cared for. "Sometimes even if the sex was out-of-this-world amazing, if there are lingering issues between the folks involved, it's going to be seen as a negative experience." —Crista-Anne
23. The next time you have sex with just you and your partner after a threesome can be amazing. "I look forward to it being just the two of us. Each threesome has been a fun experience that I don't regret at all, but in the end, each one makes me appreciate what my boyfriend and I have together." —Allie
24. It' s totally cool if you want to have one threesome and then never do it again. "After my boyfriend and I had a threesome for the first time, he wanted more of them. The girl that we slept with was a friend of his, and for a while afterward, any time we were around her, he would bring up the topic of having another one. I told them both I wasn't comfortable with it and that it happened one time, it was really fun, and that's all I wanted. You don't have to have another threesome if you don't want to!" —Ashley, 25
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