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Studies have shown that porn can have a greater effect on relationships than people may think.
One study found that porn-free relationships are stronger, and another found that watching porn can diminish commitment.
Some research has shown that exposure to porn may be a factor in infidelity.
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Seattle, WA
Washington, DC
Mental Health
Addiction
Anxiety
ADHD
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
Chronic Pain
Depression
Eating Disorders
Personality
Passive Aggression
Personality
Shyness
Personal Growth
Goal Setting
Happiness
Positive Psychology
Stopping Smoking
Relationships
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Sex
Family Life
Child Development
Parenting
Talk to Someone
Find a Therapist
Find a Treatment Center
Find a Psychiatrist
Find a Support Group
Find Teletherapy
Trending Topics
Coronavirus Disease 2019
Narcissism
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Neuroscience
We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Posted July 16, 2014
|
Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
The rapid proliferation of pornography is one of the digital age’s legacies; some 40 million people in the United States visit porn websites regularly, many of them emerging or young adults. Popular media have capitalized on cautionary tales about porn addiction and stories of boyfriends objectifying their girlfriends and wanting them to behave like porn stars. But studies confirm that the preponderance of young men—and slightly less than half of women—thinks that watching sexually explicit material is okay.
That’s what Spencer B. Olmstead and his colleagues found when they asked college students about the use of pornography in future romantic relationships : 70.8 percent of men and 45.5 percent of women thought they would watch. In contrast, only 22.3 percent of men and 26.3 percent of women thought pornography had no role in a romantic partnership.
Men and women tend to disagree on two issues: How porn is watched (alone, in groups, with a sexual partner); and how often it is watched. As Michael Kimmel reported in his 2008 book Guyland , young men often watch porn with their peers and for different reasons than older men.
Kimmel writes that “guys tend to like the extreme stuff, the double penetrations and humiliating scenes. They watch it together with guys and they make fun of the women in the scene.” In contrast, older men with more experience either watch by themselves or with a partner, and with what Kimmel calls “wistfulness” about their younger selves; they tend to prefer material “where the women look like they are filled with desire and experience pleasure.”
The Olmstead study found that women’s concerns had more to do with whether consumption of porn was limited than whom it was watched with. Men tend to think that watching porn has only positive consequences.
As reported by Nathaniel Lambert and others in a review of studies, women whose partners watched porn regularly thought less of those partners and saw porn as more of a threat to the stability of their relationship. On the other hand, other studies have shown that young men and women alike think that sexually explicit material can help them explore their sexuality and adds “spice” to what they do in bed.
Is watching pornography really as benign as people think? The following three studies reveal that it can have a greater effect on relationships than people think.
1. Porn-free relationships are stronger, with a lower rate of infidelity .
That’s what Amanda Maddox and her colleagues found in a study of men and women, ages 18 to 34, who were in romantic relationships—although it's not clear that porn use was the cause of that difference. The researchers measured the levels of negative communication, relationship adjustment, dedication or interpersonal commitment, sexual satisfaction, and infidelity. In their study, 76.8 percent of men and 34.6 percent of women looked at sexually explicit material alone; 44.8 percent reported viewing it with partners. They found that people who didn’t view any porn had lower levels of negative communication, were more committed to the relationship, and had higher sexual satisfaction and relationship adjustment. Their rate of infidelity was at least half of those who had watched sexual material alone and with their partners. But people who only watched porn with their partners were more dedicated to the relationship and more sexually satisfied than those who watched alone.
2. Watching porn can diminish relationship commitment.
What the researchers discovered is that watching porn can remind you of all the potential sexual partners out there, which in turn may lower your dedication to the person you’re actually involved with. It may also lead you to swap out the person who’s actually lying in bed with you for some fantasy person you’ve never met (and probably never will).
Nathaniel Lambert, Sesen Negash and others conducted five separate experiments to find out. In the first, they asked participants, age 17 to 26, who were in relationships (as long as three years and as brief as two months) about their porn consumption and measured levels of commitment. They found that porn consumption was associated with lowered commitment in both men and women, but with a stronger effect on men.
In their second study, they had independent observers watch videos of couples performing an interactive task—one partner was blindfolded and had to draw something while the other gave instructions. Among the observers, lower commitment was observed among porn users.
The third study only tested participants who had consumed porn. They had half the group give up porn for three weeks. The other half was asked to give up their favorite food, but were allowed to watch porn. The result? Those who had abstained from sexually explicit material showed less of a decrease in commitment to the relationship at the end of the three weeks.
The last two studies focused on the effect of greater attentiveness to alternatives on potential infidelity and infidelity itself. And yes, people who watched porn were more likely to engage in flirting (and more) outside their relationships in one experiment; and more likely to cheat and hook-up in the other.
3. The fantasy alternative leads to real-world cheating.
In another study, Andrea Mariea Gwinn, Nathaniel Lambert, and others further explored the nature of the other alternatives imaginatively offered up by pornography. They suggested two possibilities: First, that seeing physically attractive and sexually available partners on screen may heighten a person’s perceptions of his own possible partners. And second, that porn may make the idea of multiple sexual partners more appealing—another wound to a committed relationship.
And that’s exactly what they found.
In one study, the researchers found that people who thought about porn they’d watched rated relationship alternatives higher than those who didn’t—although there was difference in satisfaction with the current relationship. A second study suggested that, over time, exposure to porn may have been a factor in infidelity.
More strikingly, the team found that both thinking about possible partners and acting on the impulse to find those alternatives operate separately from dissatisfaction with one's current relationship and partner. In other words, even though one's own pasture may be plenty green enough, just the thought of a greener one may be enough to send one roving.
You might want to keep that in mind if you’ve been watching the hard stuff or if you've become inured to seeing your partner just flip open his laptop "just for fun.”
Pornography is not as benign as you think, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.
Olmstead, Spenser B., Sesen N Negash, Kay Pasley, and Frank D. Fincham, “Emerging Adults’ Expectations for Pornography Use in the Context of Future Committed Relationships: A Qualitative Study,” Archives of Sexual Behavior (2013), 42, 625-635.
Kimmel, Michael. Guyland : The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 2008.
Maddox, Amanda, Galena K, Rhoades, and Howard J.Markman,” Viewing Sexually-Explicit Materials Alone and Together: Associations with Relationship Quality,” Archives of Sexual Behavior (April 2011), 40, no. 2, 441-448.
Lambert, Nathaniel M. and Sesen Negash, Tyler F.Stillman, Spencer B. Olmstead, and Frank M. Fincham, “A Love That Doesn’t Last: Pornography Consumption and Weakened Commitment to One’s Romantic Partner,” Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology (2012), vol.31, no.4, 410-438.
Gwinn, Andrea Mariea, Nathaniel M. Lambert, Frank D. Fincham, and Jon K,Maner, “Pornography, Relationship Alternatives, and Intimate Extradyadic Behavior,” Social Psychological and Personality Science , (2013), vol.4, no. 6, 699-704.
Peg Streep is the author of the new book Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life (Île D’Éspoir Press) and has written or co-authored 12 books.
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We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
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The Real Need Behind a Man's Addiction to Pornography
by Dr. Dan Erickson, CSL People Matter Ministries
"If my wife or children really knew me; knew about my 'dirty little secret' it would devastate them. I can't come clean! It is hopeless! I don't want to be seen as some kind of pervert in their eyes. I could not stand being rejected by them. God, why can't I find satisfaction in my wife? Why do I keep going back to a mistress who is only real in my own imagination?"
There are countless men, even Christian men, battling their addiction to pornography, living a counterfeit life filled with hopelessness and despair. My intent is not to give out more guilt but let men know that there is hope. I am convinced that the answer to overcoming any man's addiction to pornography is a proper understanding of intimacy that is real and healthy, when it is in the context of right and godly relationships.
There is a principle that states "behind every problem is an unmet need." I believe that's true. Behind the problem and addiction of pornography is an unmet need. When we dabble in things that we know are not good for us and our family we have to ask, "Why?" We who are committed to help ourselves and other men overcome this deadly addiction have spent most of our time discussing the horrible consequences but little time on the cause. The average addicted man feels beat up emotionally and spiritually over this thorn in the flesh. The problem behind the addiction of pornography is that men do not understand intimacy and do not know how to express it in their marriage or relationships. It is much easier to have intimacy with a magazine or video. The real issue is that when men think about intimacy, they think "sex." For many men sex becomes a diversion from their own pain, disappointments, anger, hunger, loneliness and despair. It is the one thing they feel they can control, but when it is over the need still remains.
Most men do not understand that, generally speaking, when women think about intimacy they are thinking about a journey, a journey that will take time and will lead to a deeper sense of relationship and love. Intimacy may culminate in sex but it is not necessary for complete satisfaction. Real intimacy flows out of right relationships.
Webster defines intimacy as "a close connection of individuals pertaining to their inmost being and proceeding from within." The only time intimacy is referred to as sexual is when it is seen as illicit. To keep a complex subject simple, you could define intimacy as "in-to-me-see." Real intimacy and right relationship is about you seeing into your mate and her seeing into you. If we follow this line of thinking it opens up all kinds of possibilities. We can genuinely have real intimacy and right relationships with anyone, our wife, our children, a friend and especially with God.
Through many years working with men and couples, I would suggest that there are five symptoms present when intimacy is lost. Are any of these symptoms present in your relationships? Be honest and see if any of these are consistently present.
When these symptoms are prevalent in your relationships it will lead to a "closed spirit." A closed spirit leads to lost intimacy resulting in lost relationships. I'll illustrate it this way. If you take your own hand and open it wide you can touch, feel and grasp things. The hand represents openness, warmth and sensitivity. Now imagine that the hand itself resembles the relationship, the fingers represent a person's spirit and the palm of the hand is the heart of an individual. What would your hand do if every time it reached out it was slapped, ignored or poked with a sharp object? Every time it reached out it felt pain, rejection or insensitivity. It would have the tendency to protect itself by becoming closed. Closed fingers will lead to a closed palm which leads to a closed hand. A closed spirit will lead to a closed heart which leads to a closed relationship. Intimacy is the heart of the relationship. If one keeps abusing the heart, the spirit closes and the relationship is lost.
A closed spirit will extinguish the fire of real intimacy and right relationship. The loss of real intimacy will drive us to a counterfeit and to our own imagination.
There is hope. There are keys that will help unlock the heart of a closed spirit, restore real intimacy and right relationships.
I challenge you to do more than read another article. If you are married I plead with you to have enough courage to go through this material with your wife. Be honest and transparent. Take a chance that she loves you more than you think. If you are single, find a friend that would commit to you as a "comrade in arms." It will be a battle, but it is worth the effort. I encourage you: to let real intimacy and right relationship begin.
What is so incredible about real intimacy is that it leads to a quality of life and relationship that results in mutual appreciation; a willingness to spend time; good communication; a strong sense of commitment to each other; personal needs being met and an ability to deal with crisis in positive and supportive manners. How can any counterfeit or imitation be better than this?
For an extended version of this article visit our website at www.peoplematterministries.com
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