Inexplicit Father And Teenage Daughter

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The “true” self may or may not exist, but our ideals and projections about it sure do.
Posted May 10, 2018 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
As a mom to daughters ages 13, 15, and 23, I’ve made many mistakes and will no doubt make more. In my yearning to maintain an emotional connection with them while encouraging independence, I’ve conferred with friends and family and read many books. (One of my favorites is Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Lisa Damour.) All girls are different, but regardless of their personality and circumstances, our teenage daughters contend with a barrage of challenges including surging hormones, mixed messages, and social pressures. I’m still trying to do better by my daughters, but here are 10 goals all parents of teen girls can try to reach. They’re challenging to meet, yet rewarding to achieve. Teenage girls have a way of disrupting our well-intentioned rational behavior, so forgive yourself for slipping, and then reset your efforts.
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Let’s start with this very basic teenage girl response, which can make any parent’s blood boil. They all do it! Don’t give them the power by overreacting to this almost instinctual teenage tic. Shake it off, but feel free to bring it up later when things have calmed down: “When you roll your eyes at me, it makes it hard to have a mature conversation with you,” you might say. Try to focus on the fact that eye rolls are a sign that your daughter is beginning to judge and think for herself. It’s annoying, but it’s also developmentally appropriate, and she’ll eventually grow out of it.
All three of my daughters have shocked me with skimpy outfits; depending on the occasion, I’ve either had them change or held my Puritan tongue. When they put on very short shorts or revealing tops, I cringe at the message they’re sending. But the truth is, they aren’t trying to invite the male gaze. Instead, they’re trying on what they believe is a more womanly appearance. Parents have to decide what they are comfortable with, but it’s useful to remember that dressing sexy is not about wanting sex. Of course, it’s important to discuss the societal messages inherent in their self-presentation, but not in the heat of the moment. Choose a calm, connected moment to explain that dressing like the Kardashians shouldn’t be equated with adulthood.
3. Go beyond the birds and the bees.
Because talking about sex is awkward, parents tend to get “the talk” out of the way and hope for the best. But that doesn’t cut it. In her book Girls & Sex, Peggy Orenstein explains that while girls expect equality in the classroom and on the playing field, they’re still being pressured to engage in sexual activity that is too often sexist and demeaning. Our daughters deserve more dialogue before finding themselves in situations where they’re being pushed into sexual behavior. For example, what should they do or say if kissing turns into unwanted touching? Too many girls go along with sexual advances that make them feel ashamed or distressed. As parents, we need to demystify the pressures that they’ll inevitably face.
Teens are egomaniacs. It’s developmentally normal for them to focus on their problems and their desires. Don’t expect them to notice that you might be having a hard day, or that their request for expensive shoes is unreasonable. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t discuss empathy or frugality, but don’t be surprised at how selfish they can be. Remind yourself that it’s normal and temporary.
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5. Use caution when discussing their friends.
During the teen years, girls shift their focus from family to their tribe of friends — and this tribe might be doing things you don’t approve of. However, as tempting as it is to say something negative about a girl who is being mean to your daughter or pressuring her to engage in negative behaviors, use caution. If she shares this with you, try not to overreact or disparage the friend. Take a breath, and be happy that she’s opening up to you. Discuss the problem calmly to assess its severity. Is your daughter unloading, or is she asking for your assistance? If you withhold judgment and criticism, the two of you are more likely to forge a plan when this happens again. You don’t want your daughter to regret coming to you, shut down, or shut you out completely.
Teenage girls can be rude, obnoxious, and cruel. They know how to say things that hurt and push your buttons. Instead of getting into an argument or allowing your daughter to escalate the situation, just say, “You aren’t allowed to speak to me like that. Let’s talk about this another time.” Or consider a small punishment — I usually take away their phone for a day if they mistreat me. It’s important for them to learn that bad behavior has ramifications. It’s even more important for you to stay calm and remember that your teen is a sea of raging hormones. Don’t hold it against them or give them the silent treatment. Negotiation and conversation are always better than scare tactics, hysteria, and ultimatums.
Being a teenager is confusing and demanding, and presents a minefield of tricky decisions. Your daughter will seem very mature one day and then silly and giggly the next. But as much as we want to connect, we don’t want to be their buddy. Teens need us to be their moral compass and to be in charge. When they know our rules — even when they break them — they feel safe. Make them feel safe by being consistent and compassionate, authoritative not authoritarian. Parents who buy their kids beer or lie for them might feel cool in the moment, but they are undermining their role as parents. Teens, like all children, need to be parented.
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8. Let them learn from small failures.
It’s no fun to watch any child struggle, but often parents are even more protective of their daughters. But a big part of building a sense of self-worth and resiliency is the ability to bounce back from a setback. Don’t bail your daughter out of a science project she procrastinated about or write a note to her teacher if she didn’t do her homework. Allow your daughter to learn from the difficult situation and realize that the world doesn’t come to an end if she screws up. Facing consequences and overcoming challenges is part of becoming a resilient adult. Too many teens lack the fortitude to make it in college because of parental intervention. Be there for support, but don’t rescue your daughter from important small failures.
9. Help your daughter become critical.
Social media, television, and magazines are selling our daughters a distorted view of women. Take time to help your daughter think critically about the unrealistic images they’re presented of models and movie stars. Teach her about all the effort that goes into making women in the media look perfect, such as airbrushing and plastic surgery. I also like to point out that there are industries that profit if she feels less attractive. A healthy dose of critical thinking will go far toward preserving her self-worth and promoting confidence in who she is, not who she thinks she should be.
10. Own up to your own bad behavior.
Only a saint can parent a teen without having a few moments she’s ashamed of. If you’ve resorted to shouting, shaming, or throwing your power around, you’re not alone. But you need to acknowledge your bad behavior and move forward. Take ownership by apologizing. An apology will go far in terms of role modeling and building connection. Show your daughter that being an adult doesn’t mean being perfect, but it does mean admitting to your mistakes and making amends.
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Enjoy the wonderful times with your daughter, and remember that even in the tough moments, you’re helping her become a confident woman whose company you will enjoy for many years to come.
Marika Lindholm, Ph.D., taught at the J.L. Kellogg Graduate School of Management at Northwestern University and is the founder of of ESME.com (Empowering Solo Moms Everywhere).
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The “true” self may or may not exist, but our ideals and projections about it sure do.

Tips for surviving the teen years and raising a confident daughter.
By Dr. Marika Lindholm Updated: June 23, 2020
There is a right and wrong way to talk to your teen.
Teenage girls have a way of getting under one’s skin—especially when you’re their parent. As their anchor, you’re also their doormat, chauffeur, punching bag, therapist and enemy. Your teenage daughter knows she needs you, but developmentally, she’s withdrawing from the parent-young child relationship, so it gets complicated.
As the parent of a teenage girl, you need to prepare for a range of noxious and rebellious behaviors that can make us say things we later regret. To help you through this challenging time, I’ve compiled a list of comments that you might want to say—but shouldn’t. Admittedly, I’ve had three daughters who, over the years, have heard me say most of these undermining statements in frustration. To build connection, trust and your daughter’s self-worth, I advise you to learn from my mistakes and bite your tongue!
1. “You’re SO selfish!” All teens are self-absorbed. As annoying as it may be, it’s developmentally normal for teenage girls to be egomaniacs. Keep trying to role model compassion and talk about the importance of empathy, but don’t expect miracles. It’s all about her right now, so don’t state the obvious.
2. “Stop being so moody!” She can’t! Your daughter is experiencing a surge of hormones that make her weep one minute and laugh hysterically the next. The good news is that if she’s upset and cranky, it will pass. Remember that she can’t help it and will be irritated with you for pointing out her bad mood.
3. “Drugs and alcohol can kill you!” It’s true that drugs and alcohol can kill, but making extreme dramatic statements undermines your credibility. Most teens—about 86 percent—know other kids who drink, smoke or do drugs during the school day, while 47 percent of teens in 2020 had used an illegal drug before graduating high school, according to the National Center for Drug Abuse Statistics. It’s better to discuss the dangers calmly and realistically, because the kids they know who do drugs are likely very much alive.
4. “You look like a tramp!” Teenage girls often dress in ways that bring to mind a host of negative sexual stereotypes. With their clothing—or lack thereof—they’re not soliciting sex, but rather trying on a more grown-up identity. Tread gently, or your daughter will feel judged and criticized for simply trying to grow up.
5. “Don’t get yourself pregnant!” Of course it’s important to discuss the risk of pregnancy, but an overemphasis on not getting pregnant doesn’t help your daughter grapple with other sexual pressures. In her book, Girls & Sex, Peggy Orenstein reveals that teenage girls are often pressured into oral sex—and go along with it because at least it won’t get them pregnant. It’s best to discuss a realistic array of sexual behavior to build a foundation of communication and trust.
6. “You are beautiful." Obviously, it’s lovely to tell your daughter that she’s beautiful; however, if this is a reflex or the only type of compliment you offer, you aren’t doing her any favors. Teenage girls need to feel efficacy, strength and pride in their abilities. Being beautiful is a fluke of nature, not an accomplishment. Aim to shift your compliments toward characteristics and actions that will serve her far beyond the momentary joy of feeling attractive.
7. “Don’t roll your eyes at me!” Don’t bother—she can’t help it! Just chalk it up to her age and move on. This isn’t a permanent condition, and drawing attention to it just results in more eye-rolling.
8. “That’s OK; I was never any good at science (or math, technology or engineering) either.” This might seem like a supportive comment, but it’s actually an insult. Don’t give your daughter an excuse not to strive. It’s OK to share that you had to work hard at math or science, but avoid negative statements couched in empathy that perpetuate tired, old gender stereotypes. Don’t put your own insecurities or weaknesses on your daughter, as her own path to success might be quite different from yours.
9. “I don’t like your friends.” Teenage girls are inherently social and loyal to their friends. Developmentally, they’re making the critical shift away from relying solely on family to expanding their support system. Therefore, to criticize your daughter’s friends is to criticize her. Try to avoid speaking negatively about other girls in her group, even when she is unhappy with one of them. After all, at this age, dynamics often change: Today’s mortal enemy may be her bestie tomorrow, and vice versa.
10. “I’m going to throw your phone in a dumpster.” As much as we hate the way our daughters are attached to their phones, it’s better to navigate their phone use thoughtfully instead of hurling empty threats about phone usage. Phones should be a reward for expected behavior rather than a right, so use the phone to your advantage. Only give it to your daughter when she’s caught up with her chores and homework. Be sure to spend time explaining the dangers related to social media, especially to her self-esteem. If you haven’t already, watch the film Screenagers together to drive home the point.
11. “What were you thinking?!” Remember, a teenager’s cerebral cortex isn’t fully developed, so sometimes she isn’t thinking at all and ends up doing dumb things. Sadly, if her friends are with her, she’s even more inclined to engage in behaviors that are risky or just don’t make any sense. Instead of obsessing over the silly thing she did, teach her to deal with the consequences. Show her that she can tackle a situation more maturely. For example, one of my daughters lost the keys to the car while at a party. Instead of getting very angry, I told her she had to pay to get a new set of keys made. Not only was this costly for her, but more importantly, it taught her to navigate an adult situation. Still, if the behavior is irresponsible and dangerous, she must be called out on it.
12. “You’re going to do it because I said so!” In her insightful book Untangled, Lisa Damour describes why it’s problematic to exert power over teenage girls for power’s sake. At this age, girls begin to understand complexity. “The best way to maintain your daughter’s respect will be to welcome her budding insight,” writes Damour. When parents are overbearing and rule-bound without explaining why, teens become sneaky and resort to lies. It’s much better to discuss your rationale for a rule, such as a curfew. On their road to independence, teens need to question authority and test boundaries. If you show respect, they will be less likely to act up just for the sake of defying your authority.
13. “You should be ashamed of yourself!” Shaming is never a good strategy. It’s so tempting when your daughter is doing something embarrassing, but it’s not worth it. Words thrown in anger that shame a child can stay with them for a long time. Shaming breaks down trust and communication. Just hold your tongue.
14. “You look great—did you lose weight?” This seemingly innocent observation is loaded for many teen girls. In fact, eating disorders often spring from the positive feedback girls get for losing weight. With social media bombarding our daughters with unrealistic images of what they should look like, parents need to avoid any suggestion that weight loss makes them look better. Encourage your daughter to be healthy and care for her body, but don’t feed into our society’s cultural obsession with thinness.
15. “Don’t screw it up like last time!” Psychological research has proven that our expectations can shape our outcomes, so avoid generating negative prophesies for your daughter. Sadly, girls fall prey to such prophesies far more often than boys do, especially in math, science and other stereotypically male areas. It’s much better to say, "I know you got this” than to add more doubt to the situation. Reminding your daughter of a past failure makes it much more likely that her confidence will suffer, translating into compromised performance. Give your daughter every possibility of success by telling her she’s smart, capable and hard-working. Better yet, remind her of a time she kicked ass!
Dr. Marika Lindholm is a sociologist and the founder of ESME (Empowering Solo Moms Everywhere), a website that aims to redefine single motherhood by providing resources, inspiration and a point of connection for the underserved community of Solo Moms. A former single mom of two, she is now remarried and the mother of a blended family of five children, including two daughters she and her husband adopted internationally. For more inspirational content, check out ESME.com, where Solo Moms get the support and attention they deserve.
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