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Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.
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You are entering a forum that contains discussions of abuse, some of which are explicit in nature. The topics discussed may be triggering to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum. If you are posting about actions of yours which you feel are/were abusive please post about this in The Remorse Forum . If you have been falsely accused of abusing someone please post in the For Those Falsely Accused of Abusing thread . Please also note that discussions about Incest in this forum are only in relation to abuse. Discussions about Incest in a non-abusive context are not allowed at PsychForums. Thank you for your cooperation. The Mod Team
I was 5. I used to go on "walks" with this family friend. he was very nice and told me we had to play a secret game, that it was normal and everybody does it. so he touched me, performed oral sex on me. I remember liking it and being happy afterwards. it's my fault I should've known it was wrong. I should've said something. instead I did it to others my age, I stayed with these thoughts for so long wanting to do it again at 8 years old. I knew things I shouldn't it would always impress my friends. Now as a teenager I look back and I never want to think about sex again. I want to suppress all my dirty fantasies that he gave me. he stole my childhood he made me a perverted young girl. I want purity and innocence. I want to start over. I also want to kill him. I want to make him pay for my social anxiety, for my borderline personality disorder, for everything that's wrong with me. my grades were always so low, I started drinking and using early. he messed me up. I messed myself up by liking it. I never told anyone about our secret game. but I want to tell now. why did I like it ? why did I do it to my classmates ? why am I like this ?
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Oct 11, 2015 9:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Trigger earning added
You liked it because its a natural response. Your body responded, your child-mind liked the attention and time he spent with you. I was groomed by my step-father and molested at five also. He made me feel special. Twenty four years later, after therapy, I'm finally healed. I still have work to do. I still cry in pain for all the years that was stolen from me. First of all things you use to make you forget or take the pain away needs to be only positive coping skills. I understand its hard, I smoked weed for so many years. I just wanted to forget. I realized its better to face the demons and beat them once and for all. Its very hard but its not your fault. Children don't understand right and wrong when there is an adult they trust involved. He lied to you, he groomed you, he made you feel special to use you. I swear its not your fault. But I was scared to share my story also. When you are ready, share it. Even online like this is a big step. People don't judge like you think. My abuse lasted fourteen years... I thought for sure I would be judged by not stopping it. But I was scared, he went from saying all daddys do it to I will kill your family, to get me to keep the secret. I hope this helps you.
Glad your here! Keep telling your story here; We have a blog section! I use it all the time, slowly getting my story out! I would recommend a therapist! Any girl groups dealing with psych stuff in the area you can join! !2 step groups dealing with emotion stuff; that kind of thing! Something to look into! Your not alone! Great job telling your story! Give the blog section a try! -- Mon Oct 12, 2015 5:13 pm -- Glad your here! Keep telling your story here; We have a blog section! I use it all the time, slowly getting my story out! I would recommend a therapist! Any girl groups dealing with psych stuff in the area you can join! !2 step groups dealing with emotion stuff; that kind of thing! Something to look into! Your not alone! Great job telling your story! Give the blog section a try!
Dissociative Disorder CPTSD AVPD; Social avoidance Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression agoraphobia obsessive/compulsive disorder Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
Yes, most of go through the stages of therapy not knowing, knowing, realizing, liking it, education. It is normal, God made this thing called sex for pleasure it is sacred for adults consensually. I know it is a process for people like us to realize that . I would say stay the course in therapy in gets better you will heal enough that you will have power of what you stated (your feelings) in this post. Your not alone!
Dx: DID, PTSD, Panic Disorder We are system of several.....Blog of system map
Lila15 wrote: I was 5. I used to go on "walks" with this family friend. he was very nice and told me we had to play a secret game, that it was normal and everybody does it. so he touched me, performed oral sex on me. I remember liking it and being happy afterwards. it's my fault I should've known it was wrong. I should've said something. instead I did it to others my age, I stayed with these thoughts for so long wanting to do it again at 8 years old. I knew things I shouldn't it would always impress my friends. Now as a teenager I look back and I never want to think about sex again. I want to suppress all my dirty fantasies that he gave me. he stole my childhood he made me a perverted young girl. I want purity and innocence. I want to start over. I also want to kill him. I want to make him pay for my social anxiety, for my borderline personality disorder, for everything that's wrong with me. my grades were always so low, I started drinking and using early. he messed me up. I messed myself up by liking it. I never told anyone about our secret game. but I want to tell now. why did I like it ? why did I do it to my classmates ? why am I like this ?
i was abused as a kid. i enjoyed it, to the extent that i'd look forward to it n wanted to get touched by my cousin/brother. i grew up watching abusive porn n thoughts to abuse. i think the feeling of pleasure is normal.
You were 5 and were made to feel special. Don't feel guilty. In a way I wish you would post your story on the Paraphilia thread under Sexual where some pro-contact pedophiles say kids enjoy sex, and it's all society's fault they feel guilty about it later. I don't think the pro-contacts ever come to the Abuse forum or ever read any of our stories.
You're not alone. I went through a similar experience. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel clean but I hold on to the thought that one day I will find a partner who is so loving and caring that my anxieties about sex will ease. Well wishes on your journey to recovery <3
You should talk about it. Post here, more importantly - talk to a good therapist. You liked it, because - as others said - it's a natural response. Often survivors feel guilty and confused because of that. (On top of that, there is also trauma bonding and stockholm syndrom which makes the relationship with the abuser and your feelings even more messed up). That you did it to others is also typical. Survivors of sexual abuse often become too sexual themselves. What happened to you is really horrible, I've been there too. Please, find a therapist. I've been through a therapy and it really helped me (although it took years of a hard work).
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I watch a young mother climb into the swimming pool with her 3-year-old daughter. They wrap their arms securely around each other and playfully bob up and down. Not a hint of distrust crosses this child's face; she appears confident of her mother's love and protection.
After a few moments, the mother attempts to place the child into an inflatable toy ring. Protesting, the little girl begins to kick her feet and cling desperately to her mother's neck. The mother tries to assure her daughter that she will not be left adrift, but her efforts fail.
Acknowledging the fear, the mother tosses the ring onto the deck and gently kisses her daughter's cheek. A smile of success and relief appears on the child's face.
The memory surfaces of myself as a small child: My arms are wrapped around my father's neck while swimming in a lake. I see the same joy on my face as I just saw a moment ago on the child's, until my father reaches his hand under my swimsuit to fondle me. My look of joy suddenly turns to one of shame and fear.
Today, I am left with an image of horror and betrayal.
I acknowledge another equally painful memory, of my mother, who did not protect me from my father. I look at the little girl in the pool and wish that I could have felt the same bond of trust with my mother that she feels with hers. Tears form in my eyes, and I dive into the water so they will go unnoticed.
Vulnerability is difficult to expose to others, but now I can allow myself the relief of crying. For most of my life, the pain was buried under the defenses that I had developed to emotionally survive the incest. ::
My father, a former police officer, began to sexually abuse me at the age of 3 and continued until just prior to my 16th birthday. His assaults ranged from manual stimulation to oral, anal and vaginal penetration. As a child, I did not understand what my father was doing. It seemed that he was providing me with the love and affection that a child desperately needs from a parent. Only after he began to mention the word "secret" did I question if what we were doing was right.
My father never physically forced me
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