Incest Taboo Daddy
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Incest Taboo Daddy
Published on February 7, 2017 05:23 PM
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Eight years after Mackenzie Phillips revealed that she was once in a long-term incestuous relationship with her dad , her family relationships seem to be irrevocably damaged.
The former One Day at a Time star exposed in her first book, High on Arrival . the long-held secret that her dad, The Mamas & the Papas singer John Phillips, raped her at age 19 while they were under the influence of drugs and alcohol. The encounters continued, and they soon began a consensual, incestuous relationship lasting around 10 years.
In her new book, Hopeful Healing: Essays on Managing Recovery and Surviving Addiction , Phillips says that some family members still hold her accountable, and at one point disinvited her from a birthday party.
“Another family member was angered that I might attend, and I was told she was just not willing to forgive me yet. She wouldn’t forgive me ! For abuses perpetrated against me as a child, or for exposing those abuses perhaps,” she writes.
Phillips, a former drug addict who is now a drug rehab counselor at Breathe Life Healing Center, says that rather than holding on to the pain of being shunned by her family, she reaches out to her own counselor and loved ones for support.
“I’ve come to understand that some in my family have chosen to hold on to the pain and anger they felt when I came out with the truth about my dad,” she says. “I understand that they’re still caught in a textbook response of devaluing the victim and holding up the perpetrator.”
“I’ve also had to accept that, of course, I’d be the target of negative reactions and feelings because I’m the one who wrote the book and told a truth no one wanted to hear. If you’re trying to maintain some sort of façade so you can avoid pain, the last thing you want is for the façade to be demolished.”
When Phillip’s first book debuted in 2009, multiple family members spoke out against her — some accusing her of lying, while others were upset that she revealed a hidden family secret when her father, now dead, was unable to provide a counterpoint.
“Am I exceedingly joyful that my family secret that I told maybe my therapist, my husband and my very best friend in the whole word [is now public]? No,” Phillip’s half-sister, Chynna, told Oprah Winfrey on an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show .
VIDEO: How Soap Opera Vet Kim Zimmer Turned Her Anger into a Book
“I understand Mackenzie’s need to come clean with a history she feels will help others, but it’s devastating to have the world watch as we try and mend broken fences, especially when the man in question isn’t here to defend himself,” another of Phillip’s half-sisters, Bijou, said in a statement.
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atypical
Jan. 15, 2015
Photo: Laurence Mouton/PhotoAlto/Corbis; Illustration: Konstantin Sergeyev
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In the late ‘80s, the founder of a support group for adopted children who had recently reconnected with their biological relatives coined the term “Genetic Sexual Attraction” ( GSA ) to describe the intense romantic and sexual feelings that she observed occurring in many of these reunions. According to an article in The Guardian , experts estimate that these taboo feelings occur in about 50 percent of cases where estranged relatives are reunited as adults ( GSA ’s discoverer had herself become attracted to the son she’d adopted out when she met him 26 years later, but her feelings were not reciprocated).
Though the research is scarce, those who have studied GSA offer a range of possible explanations for it, including a primordial feeling of always having “belonged” to the estranged relative, a sense of wanting to experience the bonding missed out on during childhood, or simply an overwhelming closeness based on similarities: like meeting a mate who was designed for you in a science lab. Perhaps GSA accounts for Kevin Gates’s attraction to his first cousin .
Consensual incest between fathers and their daughters remains the least reported and perhaps the most taboo sort of GSA relationship. Keith Pullman, who runs a marriage equality blog , has personally talked to over 20 GSA couples and notes that he’s only had a few father-daughter couples speak out, speculating that many of them fear that others will assume the daughter must have been abused in childhood (it should be said that when these unions lead to children, those children can face potentially serious difficulties as a result of the genetic implications of incest, even if some online communities downplay these risks).
Here, an 18-year-old woman from the Great Lakes region describes her romantic relationship of almost two years with the biological father she met after 12 years of estrangement.
What was your family like when you were growing up? My parents had me when they were 18 — they met in high school and I was conceived on prom night. They were serious for about six months but broke up while my mom was still pregnant with me. My dad wasn’t there when I was born. I think my mom’s psychological problems meant the relationship never really worked out. She has bipolar disorder and some other mental health issues. They just weren’t happy and didn’t really keep in contact after I was born. She wanted to do it alone. When she’s manic it’s hard to know what she’s going to say. After I was born she had a nervous breakdown and couldn’t take care of me, so I lived with her grandparents until I was about 2. I think that’s part of the reason we’ve never been close: We didn’t bond when I was a baby.
Did you have any contact with your father when you were a child? He briefly came back into my life when I was about 3 or 4 and I saw him on weekends until I was about 5. He lived about an hour away from us and my parents constantly argued about visitation. He was always doing the drive to see me because my mom wasn’t very fond of it — she wouldn’t even meet him halfway.
Can you remember much from your time with your dad when you were little? I have some memories. He spoiled me rotten. I had this giant storage tote of Barbie dolls and I had my own Mary-Kate and Ashley bedroom. It was a little girl’s dream. We’d sit in the yard blowing bubbles together, and he took me to the zoo where he bought me a stuffed animal that I kept until I was 16. I ended up washing it and stupidly put it in the dryer, which melted all its fur. I remember he gave me a miniature tea set. I still have it.
So then there was zero contact or word from him? When I was about 15 he emailed my mom saying he’d like to see me. I vividly remember the moment she told me. I said I missed him and wouldn’t mind seeing him. She asked me how I could miss someone I hadn’t been with for such a long time. But what I missed was a fatherly figure. My mom’s always picked the wrong guy out of the crowd and she’s had a couple of divorces. I’m still not really close with my current stepfather even though they’ve been together for ten years. For whatever reason, my father and I didn’t end up meeting for two more years, so there was no contact for 12 years — we were reunited when I was 17.
So what were your feelings toward him when you were growing up? Did you think about him much? I’d wonder where he was, what he was doing. Why haven’t I seen him or heard from him? What did my mom do? What did he do? What did I do? My abandonment issues really hit when I was a teenager. My mom and my stepfather took a break because they were fighting so much and I cried the entire time he was gone. I missed him, which was weird because we didn’t have much of a relationship. I asked myself, Why am I crying over someone I’m not even close to ?
Do you think it triggered the abandonment you felt from your own dad? Yeah. I think I was subconsciously replaying what I’d been through.
How many stepfathers have you had? Near the end of the time my parents had joint custody of me I had a stepdad. He took good care of my mom but she went through one of her stages again, so it ended. She had another husband who went crazy and tried to kill her. He was schizophrenic. Then she got with my brother’s dad and they dated for a while but when my brother was born the dad didn’t want anything to do with him, so I helped my mom raise him. Once he was about 3 she got together with my current stepdad and had my baby sister. My brother and I are 9 years apart and my sister is 12 years younger than me. I think of them as my brother and sister, and I also think of them as my babies because I helped raise them.
Why didn’t your father try to get in touch with you? My mom said that he didn’t want to have anything to do with me. But she was very controlling and kept me under Fort Knox–like conditions. She’s had my Facebook password since I’ve had an account. One day, after I got my Facebook privileges back, he added me as a friend. At first, I figured it was my grandpa because they have very similar names. I thought, Maybe Grandpa got techy ?
Then I realized it was my dad. I was like, Oh my God, where have you been? I don’t know if I can get close to you . I told him I thought he was dead and asked why it took him so long to contact me. He said he’d been adding me on Facebook but I’d always decline his requests. But that was my mom controlling my account. After we reunited, he showed me emails he’d sent trying to contact me.
What happened next? We chitchatted online for a few days and found out we were similar. We shared the same favorite TV shows — The Simpsons and The Big Bang Theory — and we both love to draw. He came to see me about a week later. You wouldn’t have believed we hadn’t been around each other for 12 years. The idea of “getting to know him” seemed strange because we are so much alike. He came and hung out all day and then I asked to come spend a week with him — he lived in a small town about 30 minutes away. I think my mom knew I was going to move out and it really was getting to the point where I needed to escape, she was so controlling.
Has she always been that way? Not when I was younger — she was going through a wild stage and she wanted to be more of a friend than a mother. She was still in her 20s and she worked at a bar. When I turned 13, she cracked down military-style. I didn’t have a voice and I had to do everything she asked, just to keep the peace.
Did you date when you were a teenager? I didn’t really have a social life. I stayed home a lot because my mom didn’t trust me, and most of the kids my age were hooked on heroin, so it was hard to find friends. I lived in such a small town where there was nothing to do. In fifth grade I dated a boy for two years. But one night he got drunk and had sex with a girl who ended up pregnant. It fucked everything up. I told him he had to go and be with this girl and take care of the kid.
She ended up falling asleep with a cigarette in her mouth and their house burned down, so she left town with the kid and never came back. I supported him through that and we ended up half-ass dating, then my mom found letters we had written to each other about making out. She said things were getting too serious and sexual and took me out of class and homeschooled me for a while.
Did you have sex with that boyfriend? No. I had a girlfriend in middle school and that was the most major sexual experience I’d ever had. But she was very religious and every time we were intimate she would sob and read me verses out of the Bible. It made me feel like I’d hurt her. The second time we did it she cried and said we’d done something wrong and she was worried her grandmother would find out. I was don
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