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Forum rules
You are entering a forum that contains discussions of abuse, some of which are explicit in nature. The topics discussed may be triggering to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum. If you are posting about actions of yours which you feel are/were abusive please post about this in The Remorse Forum . If you have been falsely accused of abusing someone please post in the For Those Falsely Accused of Abusing thread . Please also note that discussions about Incest in this forum are only in relation to abuse. Discussions about Incest in a non-abusive context are not allowed at PsychForums. Thank you for your cooperation. The Mod Team
Dear friends, I am 41 and the oldest of two brothers. I would like to share how my mothers sexual behavior towards me when I was growing up have had a profound impact on my life. I remember early that my mother thought I was very special and how uncomfortable it made me feel. I thought it was very odd that my brother didn´t get the same attention. My mother constantly made comments about my appearance and how she thought I should dress myself. She could say that a pair of trousers made my butt look good and that a shirt made my shoulders look broad. I guess every mother say those things but the way she said it made me feel very awkward. When I was about 12 or 13 and she brought up the shameful subject of nightly pollutions and that "I should n t be ashamed if it happened". Then she just mentioned out of the blue that she once saw through my cousins trousers that he had an erection. He was 15 at the time. And then she added that I should not ever mention what she saw to anyone else. I remember that those conversations with my mother made me feel very guilty and shameful. My mother and father never acted like a married couple. I cannot remember them ever touching or anything. Especially my father seemed to be very distant from my mother. And from me too, only caring about his career. He was closer to my brother and sometimes it felt like they were one couple and my mother and me the other one. And I was there for my mother of course. She also told me at a young age that my father had a prostate problem. I remember a lot of times when my mother told me things that made me feel awkward. Things that were too personal or things that involved other persons private life. Her behavior was not only covert. Sometimes she "accidently" brushed against my penis when I was helping out with the dishes. And I remember when I was in the stairway and she was following me two steps behind that she sometimes slapped my ass, saying "hurry up". But I was never exposed to any further sexual encounter. That also puzzled me later on. What is an inappropriate behavior and what is a normal behavior for a mother? Why does an abuser stop before it get to much. My mother never raped me but everything between us always had a sexual dimension. My childhood memories have had a deep effect on my life. I started dating very late (I was petrified) and I had my first sexual experience when I was 25. That was not a nice memory. Sex made me feel very anxious and I have had many embarrasing moments when it was impossible for me to perform. Especially if it was a girl I liked very much. Some girls expressed an interest in me but I ran away whenever it got to personal or intimate. I very much regret that today, being single. And at 41 I have to start the painful process of accepting that I probably never will have children of my own. It was not until some years ago when I first thought that sex was a nice thing. I was then in a short relationship (6 month) with a woman that made me feel comfortable. She was the love of my life, but unfortunateley she ended our relationship. Even though I was rather sad, the whole experience gave me some self esteem. Some good things do happen. I have had two more short relationships lasting for about half a year each. I have never lived together with an other person and I am of course rather depressed at the age of 41, being single without any children. My friends think it is very strange that I never got married. If only they knew what I have to struggle with. My colleagues think I have myself to blame. Even today I do not feel completely free from the influence of my mother. She still have an inappropriate behaviour towards me. When I go swimming with my brothers family and my parents come along she stares at me when I get undressed and could keep on staring for ever. It puzzles me that no one else notice it or perhaps this is just a "normal" behavior in a dysfunctional family? Her staring at me of course makes me feel very angry, but I try to ignore it. We unfortunately live in the same city and she often calls me asking if I would come over for lunch or coffee. When ever she has a chance she tries to share something personal with me. And it is often about very personal subjects. And if it is embarrasing she still has to talk about it, almost compulsively. I try to reduce all interactions with her but I still meet my parents about once a week. Sometimes with my brother and his family present which is a big relief. I was in therapy ten years ago for a period about three years. I shared a lot about my childhood and my mother, but that therapy has not reduced my anxiety or helped me evolve in life. What should I do? I would like to feel that I am the only captain in my life. And how should you deal with a mother that still is in love with her son (makes me feel really sick, but that way of expressing is probably true)? Is there any way to be free without having to cut all ties with your family? And is there any chance that I will find true love in my life? I am grateful for any input on this. Sincerely, Charlie
Hi, Charlie! You are not alone. You're right, your mother's behavior is abusive and inappropriate. What can help you get stronger is support and emotional validation. You could get more therapy from someone who knows what he/she is doing, who takes what happened to you seriously and who can help. Just keep doing it once you find someone good and you'll start to get better, even if you get worse at first. You could also join a support group or a forum (good idea coming here) and by talking about your feelings and needs and getting positive feed-back and maybe even making friends, you will become stronger. Here's a site for men who have been victimized, in case you're interested: http://www.malesurvivor.org/ I think a lot more mothers than people would like to think behave this way towards their children. People just ignore it or "accept" it as normal behavior, because it's just easier for them. You're brave for taking charge of your life like this. You could still meet someone and have a family with her, I don't think it'd be impossible. You have to distance yourself from your mother, in the literal sense and emotionally. Don't visit her as often as you do and do what you can to put your foot down and stop her when she says something inappropriate. She will go slightly "insane" if she feels like she is losing control and she might do even more inappropriate/sick things to get you back where she wants you, but you have to fight it. You have to get it off your chest when something bad happens by talking about it with someone who understands (that's what helps me, at least). After a while, you won't need it as much, but it still helps to be in contact with people who understand what you've been through. How does she treat your brother's kids?
forum-rules.php I am sorry I am not on the forum as much as I used to be, if I do not reply to you quickly, please contact another moderator/supermod/admin as well.
Hi Jasmin! Thank you very much for your reply and support. It means a lot to me that you would categorize my mother as abusive with an inappropriate behaviour. I struggled so long trying to understand what had happened and what would be considered normal and what would not. Thank you for all advice. I have a nephew and a niece and they are the most important persons in my life. I meet with them frequently. I have not seen any inappropriate behavior from my mother towards them and I guess my nephew (he is 10) would be the most likely to suffer from her "attention". But it seems that they are not as close to my mother as I was, unfortunately, in my family. But I must watch how things evolve. I was let down when I was a child and I must prevent that from happen to anyone else. Charlie
It's good of you to look out for them. It's possible for her to start doing this stuff with your niece too, but who knows. You shouldn't worry about it all the time, it's going to be ok. You can PM me any time you want to, by the way. Anything that makes you feel sexually uncomfortable is sexual abuse, especially coming from a parent.
forum-rules.php I am sorry I am not on the forum as much as I used to be, if I do not reply to you quickly, please contact another moderator/supermod/admin as well.
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