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You are entering a forum that contains discussions of abuse, some of which are explicit in nature. The topics discussed may be triggering to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum. If you are posting about actions of yours which you feel are/were abusive please post about this in The Remorse Forum. If you have been falsely accused of abusing someone please post in the For Those Falsely Accused of Abusing thread.
Please also note that discussions about Incest in this forum are only in relation to abuse. Discussions about Incest in a non-abusive context are not allowed at PsychForums.
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by AdultMaleSurvivor » Sat May 04, 2013 5:00 pm
My mom insisted on bathing me until I was 9 or 10. Her mom would insist on cleansing the skin around my penis. I think this was when I started hating her. My mom has serious mental and emotional attachments issues. I still hate bathing as a grown adult. She still asks me how I'm doing it to see if I'm doing it correctly (I'm 27!) and puts it in my face that she allows her mom to still bathe her when she needs it!
I moved out and am haunted by...her. Many many MANY people on this forum express a sexual attraction to their abusers are to the abuse itself. I'm working through this piece by piece. I used to masturbate while thinking of sucking my mother's nipples. I confronted the fantasy and asked myself why I was having it. This opened my up to a world of self-reflection and inner healing. So it's a time-consuming process is what I'm saying.
That said, I still "enjoy" jacking off while imagining my penis right in between her breasts. She is well-endowed and so is her mom which is the only reason I believe my father married her. So, the point is, I don't enjoy it though I'm aroused by it. I question the fantasy itself and sometimes just force myself to ejaculate to it to see what happens. I have found some freedom in this "masturbation therapy." I heard of a girl who would jack off to fantasies of her brother whenever the gross feelings came upon her and she mentioned being able to finally function immediately after the self-induced orgasm. I took it a step further and asked why I was/am attracted to having sex with my mom's breasts?
These memories of her bathing me throughout my (older) childhood came back and I was able to deal with (some of) it. I feel like I'm a million miles away from where I wanna be and a million miles away from where I used to be...if that makes sense. Enough people have come on this forum describing their sexual attraction toward their abusers or the abuse "style." I believe it is a form of coping our brains use to "reach out" to us so that we can progressively deal with memory loss and emotional healing from our pasts.
Instead of calling myself a sicko, I'm like, okay, WHY am I attracted to that fantasy? The process is time-consuming, and emotionally taxing, but like I said, I'm a million miles from where I've been. I thought about entitling this "Masturbation Therapy" but thought against it.
Why is it that large breasted women are always trying to kill me?
That's really hard work you're doing there. Well, not the masturbating But the introspection and self-honesty that you're bringing to the fantasies involved. Powerful.
“We think too much and feel too little.
More than machinery, we need humanity.
More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.”
Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator
by AdultMaleSurvivor » Mon May 06, 2013 8:45 pm
Thank you Ada. I still feel so lost though, don't get any wrong ideas. I thought phone sex was the answer for the longest time but I ...just thought about my mom. I don't even like hugging her because her well-endowed breasts..touch me.
I've tried sharing parts of this before...I just am overwhelmed. I know some people come on here just to get turned on. Some of them are abused and I just wanted to let you know that I'm with you. This is NOT to advocate abuse but to highlight the negative affects it has had on all of us.
And, Ada...that really "hard work" you mentioned LOL....you cannot possibly imagine. I dated a girl (fiancé) who was really into witchcraft. she would give me a blowjob as part of some spell. (I don't know where I find these people!) Anyways, I was really REALLY into her breasts. They were large and...reminded me of my mother. She (my ex) made me suck her nipples..I have repressed memories from that relationship (AS AN ADULT!).
So yes, Ada, I have been very “hard at work” if you know what I mean
Why is it that large breasted women are always trying to kill me?
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