Impress Dutch Guy

Impress Dutch Guy

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Posted by Simon Woolcot | Dec 1, 2014 | Learning Dutch | 9
The Shallow Man, like the voyagers of the Starship Enterprise, (warning IT joke) believes in boldly going where no person has gone before. One of my goals is to teach my ever growing expat flock about life in the Netherlands. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, if you’re going to stay in the Netherlands for longer than a year or two, it’s essential to learn Dutch . A basic grasp of the language will certainly lead to you grasping with the Dutch lion or antelope of your choice.
With that in mind, I think it’s only fair that I provide some advice on how to flirt with the Dutch. I share this advice with you so that you don’t have to learn the hard way. Many an expat has crashed and burned when attempting to flirt with the Dutch. They are hard work! The Dutch are not easily impressed, so I’m going to provide you with some help. The deployment of some basic Dutch while flirting with your target can go a long way to having Ugg boots or brown shoes sitting in your hallway this winter.
Now this post will no doubt annoy some, and if as a result I find myself surrounded by a group of angry Dutch women, and am plucked from the warmth of my local eetcafe, and forced to sit on a terrace in the middle of winter for the entire evening, while a group of chain-smoking Dutch ladies shouts “JE LULT UIT JE NEK MAN” I’ll calmly say to my enemies, “ladies, please keep calm and hou je bek”.
The Shallow Man has gained lots of enemies in the past by suggesting that Dutch men do not know how to flirt. This has been based on years of observing the Dutch dating game at close quarters. You’ve heard of the documentary series Planet Earth, well the Shallow Man has been directing Planet Nederland.
The Dutch are famous for their directness (or rudeness) and the dating scene often reflects this. French subtlety or Spanish game playing will not work well here. Be bold, be direct, but most importantly you need to be as bloody obvious as a twenty-year-old blonde flirting with a Ferrari driving sixty-year-old man.
So the first critical step is the opening line MUST be in Dutch. As difficult as it is to impress the Dutch, they have such low expectations of expats when it comes to the Dutch language, that even if they respond in English, they can’t but help be impressed when confronted with an expat attempting to speak Dutch. So een goede openingszin (in het Nederlands!) is hierbij van belang. (It’s bloody important to have a good opening line in Dutch).
Wauw, je lijkt echt een beetje op Lucy Liu/Beyoncé/Scarlett Johansson/Jessica Alba (let op: match het uiterlijk van het meisje met de celeb! Je gaat niet tegen een blonde deerne zeggen dat ze op Beyoncé lijkt).
So to translate the opening line above, the point here gentlemen is to lie. Lie like a politician or an investment banker justifying their bonus. So the woman of your loins, sorry dreams, looks nothing like Scarlett Johansson, so what? I’ve never seen the lovely Scarlett photographed wearing Ugg boots, or dangerously flat shoes. She’s also unlikely to dress to be comfortable, therefore, what’s a gentlemen to do when confronted with an attractive (but poorly dressed) local lovely? LIE! In het Nederlands.
Wauw, je hebt echt een beetje het lichaam van die vent uit James Bond (this will do for any Dutch guy, it doesn’t even matter which James Bond you’re referring to. Just mentioning James Bond and his body is already enough).
Let op: Je moet de toevoeging ‘’een beetje’’ echt gebruiken als je je potentiele trofee gaat vergelijken met een Hollywoodster. Nederlanders zijn een cynisch volkje dus als je het te veel gaat overdrijven dan ben je direct game over.
Again, the tip here ladies is that unless there’s been a casting change in James Bond that passed me by, the likelihood of Bond now being a Lion King haired Dutchman, who instead of an Aston Martin, has thrilling chases on a bicycle, and has swapped Savile Row three-piece-suits for a comfortable pair of jeans and a casual blazer, you’ll have to lie through your teeth. It’s important to add ‘een beetje’ as the Dutch are after the British, probably the most cynical people on planet earth. So while suppressing laughter, you can say “you look een beetje like James Bond”.
The Dutch James Bond deep undercover “Moneypenny I’m on my way”
When an expat speaks Dutch, you may as well be speaking in Klingon (sorry another Star Trek reference) as the first time you speak, they’ll pretend not to understand you. You’ll then have to repeat the sentence several times, they’ll then say “ohhhhh Ik ben een eikel, ja dat klopt”. So with this in mind, be creative and say whatever you like in Dutch as your opening line the first time, then when they inevitably ask you to repeat what you just said, you can change it. For example.
Jij en je vriendin doen me denken aan iets dat ik op TV zag. Een betalen de tweede gratis
You and your girlfriend remind me of something I saw on TV. Pay for one get the second gratis.
Ik zei dat jij en je vriendin lijken op iets dat ik op TV zag over twee mooie artiesten
I said that you and your girlfriend remind me of something I saw on TV, two beautiful artists.
Er zullen ongetwijfeld Nederlanders zijn die je een openingszin leren die ze zelf heel grappig vinden. Wij kunnen al raden welke openingszin dit zal zijn. Het is namelijk een kleine ‘’jeu de mots’’. Het Nederlandse woord voor ‘’opening line’’ is openingszin. Nu vinden vele (Nederlandse mannen) het grappig om te zeggen:
‘’Hoi, jij hebt een opening en ik heb zin’’ Meaning: you have an opening and I am horny.
Tip: DOE DIT NIET. No need to explain why not.
Goed. Stel: je openingszin heeft gewerkt en je hebt een gesprek met iemand. Hoe zorg je er dan voor dat je tijdens dat gesprek goed uit de verf komt? Yes indeed: Complimenten maken.
Ok so imagine that you’ve struck oliebollen with your opening line, and now you’re having a conversation with a Dutch person. How can you ensure that things will go well? Give compliments. (Don’t mention Zwarte Piet)
Als je iemand wil versieren dan zijn complimenten natuurlijk de key. Vooral complimenten in het Nederlands zullen veel indruk maken op de Nederlander. Vooral het compliment in combinatie met jouw charmante accent* zal de Nederlander doen smelten. Wij zijn de lulligste niet dus hierbij alvast een paar kant en klare cut-and-paste complimenten
‘’Wat heb je een’’+ adjective (positive)+noun
-leuke schoenen /try not to make comments about how flat or brown they are)
-goede dansmoves /lie through your teeth)
-mooi achterwerk /No buts, Dutch women have good butts, god bless the bicycle seat)
-innemende ogen /I’m sure you have lovely eyes, now take off those sunglasses (Amsterdam South, Het Gooi joke)
-sprankelende persoonlijkheid /Radiant personality (too much time on the sunbed)
Your personality is not the only radiant thing about you
-glanzend haar/mooie krullen/glossy or curly hair/”Your hair is so curly is that a wig?
-volle lippen/When I look at your lips, I bet you could suck the yoke out of an egg from 20 meters away
-lekker lichaam/If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me? Please
-gespierde armen (meer geschikt voor mannen)/I love a lady with muscles, actually I’m moving house next week can you help me move the furniture?

Ps: houd het netjes. ‘’Wat heb je een lekkere tieten’’ wordt niet gewaardeerd./Be nice, saying to a lady that you have award winning boobies that are so wonderful to look at that they should have their own reality show, might not go down well.
Let op: als je iemand wil beledigen kun je precies dezelfde structuur toepassen
‘’Wat heb je een’’ + adjective (negative)+noun à ‘’Wat heb je een lelijke kop’’
Ok. Je openingszin was een succes en je bent met iemand op date (naar de dierentuin of een leuk feestje) en je wil laten weten dat je het naar je zin hebt dan is er maar één woord dat telt.
Break out the bitterballen, you’ve got a date with a Dutch person!
Nederlanders vinden bijna alles ‘’gezellig’’ (non-translatable, you can compare it to cosy or pleasant) en ze vinden het nog gezelliger als jij het ook heel gezellig vindt. Benadruk daarom tijdens de date nog eens extra de gezelligheid. Gegarandeerd punten scoren!
-When you enjoy being with someone:
-When you are sitting on a sunny terrace:
-When you are at a party and everyone is drunk:
‘’Oooo dit is echt een heel gezellig café’tje!’’
-When you want to let someone know you had a good time with him/her.
-When you want to react in a positive way to a proposition such as ‘’Zullen we nog een keer afspreken?’’
-When she wants to sit in front of a cafe in freezing cold temperatures so that she can have 15 cigarettes, one after the other while you freeze to death
-You can also change the tone of this and make it negative by adding the word ‘niet’ in front of it.
-When a pushy Dutch woman wants to have sex with you on the second date you can say
“Anouk, hou je handen thuis, dat is niet gezellig hoor!”
-Or if a Dutchman starts handling you as if you’re the last bitterballen available at an office borrel
“ik heb een gedicht voor jou, Jeroen wij gaan het niet doen”
Kortom: Nederlanders zijn best wel in voor romantiek als je het maar op hun manier aanpakt. Wees niet te slijmerig en maak overdreven complimenten, gebruik je humor, gooi je Nederlands in de strijd en zorg ervoor dat het gezellig is!
A big thank you to my incredibly patient Dutch teacher at the Koentact language school , who in spite of my blog, continues to talk to me.
No chain-smoking Dutch women were hurt during the writing of this post
Or if a Dutchman starts handling you as if you’re the last bitterballen available at an office borrel
“ik heb een gedicht voor jou, Jeroen wij gaan het niet doen”
Died omy xddd
Wat heb je lekkere tieten vind ik opzich wel een mooi complimentje.
(Boob and ass compliments are very welcomed where I’m from)
Don’t even remember how I got to this site but it’s so funny x3
Where are you from? It sounds like a fun place 😉
xD Zuid-Holland, Nederland (Didn’t know if I should write that in English or Dutch so ya x3)
Ha ha ha,,, Gezellig,Gezellig,Gezellig,, Hey was nearly gonna say Happy man i mean Shallow man,,, You brought a smile to my face today
The Dutch language has so many hilarious sayings. I love “Je lult uit je nek man” and my all time favorite “hou je bek!”
Who has some good flirting lines (in Dutch) to share?
I never really hear any flirting lines from men for women.
Probably because women do most of the chasing.
The few times I have encountered males seeking my attention it usually is very up front (what I personally love xp).
9/10 times it’s just a guy saying hey girl yo number?
Most guys here work out a lottttt so complimenting them on their muscles and/or other things about their strengt will almost always do.
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You’ve moved to the Netherlands and you’re all settled in. You have your apartment, job, and local Albert Heijn within 500 metres sorted. You have started to make friends and you have definitely started to notice how beautiful the Dutch are – tall, blonde, graceful Europeans gliding around on bikes all day. However, there are some unspoken rules when it comes to dating the Dutch and I am going to help you navigate the sometimes-treacherous waters.
The Dutch aren’t known for being overdressed, in fact, they dress more low key, elegantly simple, and smart. And let’s be honest – fair enough. When it’s raining half the time and you have to bike everywhere, who wants to constantly be wearing a pair of heels and a short, tight dress and oodles of makeup. They are practical, so showing up to a date wearing 9-inch heels and a glitter body-con dress probably isn’t the best first impression. Keep things casual, yet still stylish. Think jeans and Converse with a touch of glamour.
Approach target. A lot of Dutch women claim Dutch men are not forth-coming enough (yes, I was surprised to hear this too) and that often, they won’t approach them in a bar or at a party. You heard them! Move forward, with grace and ease. Same goes if you are wanting to date a Dutch man – don’t think he isn’t necessarily interested if he doesn’t come and talk to you.
Sure, that is a universal life tip: practice honesty. But it really comes into play here when dating the Dutch. The Dutch believe that it is better to be honest (on date number one) rather than dance around the big topics and find things out later on. Assertiveness and confidence will get you much further when on a date with a Dutch national than playing games.
The Dutch mean what they say, do what they say, and can be a touch reserved (Northern European). They do not look favourably at flowery, over-the-top compliments. Those sorts of comments are sometimes perceived as ‘fake’ and the Dutch are anything but. Being straight up and to the point is the way to go. Flirting is also something that is not a huge thing in the Netherlands (well at least not in the same way as traditional anglo-saxon or eastern flirting goes). In Dutch culture, it’s not common practice to flirt at 09:00 Monday morning on your way to work on the tram or train; but if the opportunity arises (at any moment) make sure you do it smoothly, tactfully and with some humor. Also note, in dutch culture direct eye contact is not common between strangers. Don’t be disappointed if that special someone you’ve eyed looks away quickly when your gazes meet, they might still be interested. Test the waters with a subtle grin or a small joke (don’t overdo it!). If you manage to snag a phone number, don’t over text and overcall but make sure the other party knows you’re interested.
The Netherlands is known for its freedom of speech and this is no exception when it comes to the social scene of the Dutch. It is important to have an opinion – but be open-minded and accepting of other people’s opinions. The Dutch deem it an attractive quality if you have a strong opinion – with facts to back it up, while also remaining tolerant and accepting of other’s opinions.
The Dutch are known to be impressed with an individual who has gone out and seen the world. This is most likely because a lot of Dutch people themselves are well-traveled (this is no surprise – they are scattered all over the world). Travel is a much-loved subject to chat about, so when you are on a date with a Dutchie, bring this subject up, it is usually a crowd-pleaser.
With the Netherlands being one of the most socially progressive country’s in the world, expect the Dutch to also be the least ‘sexist’ of cultures. The Dutch may not be into material possessions and do not believe in showering their loved one with lavish gifts, but they are into making sure everybody is treated as an equal. I don’t know about you, but I think that is a lot sexier
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