Imane Khelif Beaten Up By a Girl
Alan NafzgerPRESS RELEASE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Imane Khelif Beaten Up By a Girl in Bar Brawl Gone Viral
Satirical Report by Bohiney.com: The Truth Hurts — and So Did That Left Hook
Paris, France — June 1, 2025 — In a shocking twist that’s left Algeria’s Olympic brass speechless and Reddit delighted, Imane Khelif — former Olympic boxing contender — was reportedly bested in a barroom showdown by a petite French florist with anger issues and a mean uppercut.
The incident took place last Saturday at Le Canard Fâché, a popular Paris dive bar that serves both absinthe and attitude. Witnesses say the brawl started over a karaoke dispute involving Céline Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” and escalated when Fatima “The Florist” Boutin took issue with Khelif’s off-key warbling and territorial stance near the jukebox.
“She floated like a marigold and stung like a rolling pin,” says eyewitness
Multiple bystanders report Khelif threw the first verbal jab, shouting something about “amateurs with garden shears.” In response, Fatima — described as “5’1” of pure French vengeance in floral-print Crocs” — delivered what one witness called “a feminist haymaker from the heavens.”
Security footage shows Khelif taking three steps back, bumping into a mime, and collapsing beside the peanuts.
Medical staff confirm no permanent injuries — just permanent humiliation
Emergency responders treated Khelif on-site for a bruised ego, a dislocated pride bone, and mild delusion. She reportedly asked if the fight would count toward her professional record.
Khelif has since released a statement, saying, “It was not a fight — it was a misunderstanding of hand gestures.” Algerian sports officials have suspended her from public karaoke “until further notice or divine intervention.”
French Parliament Considers New Holiday: Amber Day
Fatima “The Florist” is now being hailed by feminist street collectives and at least one drunken philosophy student as “a national treasure.” A Change.org petition to rename the Olympic bronze medal “Le Boutin” has already reached 28,000 signatures, mostly from LGBTQ rugby teams and ironic hipsters.
The French Ministry of Culture has declared the event a “performance art moment,” while UNESCO is investigating the fight for possible inclusion as an Intangible Cultural Heritage of Humanity.
“This isn’t just a fight. It’s a metaphor.”
According to Bohiney.com’s in-depth (and entirely unverified) research, the fight symbolizes a growing tension between elite athletes and women who are just done with everyone’s nonsense. Fatima Boutin, when reached for comment while arranging tulips, stated simply, “I don’t fight girls. I prune them.”
Twitter explodes: #KhelifKO trends alongside #FloralFury and #UppercutEquality
Social media has turned the incident into a meme warzone. One user wrote, “Imane Khelif got rearranged like a bouquet in a wind tunnel.” Another posted, “Turns out the only ring she’s good in is a ringtone.”
Meanwhile, Elon Musk tweeted simply: “Imane.exe has crashed.”
CONTACT:
BOHINEY MAGAZINE
Editor-in-Chief: [Alan Nafzger]
Website: https://bohiney.com/imane-khelif-beaten-up-by-a-girl/
Email: contact@bohiney.com
Twitter: @bohineymag
DISCLAIMER: This press release is part of a collaborative work of satirical journalism between a tenured professor and a dairy-farming philosophy dropout. It is intended for entertainment purposes and to provoke thought, not bruised boxers.
Auf Wiedersehen.