Im A Motherfucking T Rex

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Im A Motherfucking T Rex
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We were all walking down the road together. Me, my centaur wife Tasha, our slime daughter Zee and Black friend Uncle Barney. An interesting group to say the least. We’re heading for a garage that we remember passing a couple of miles behind us due to Uncle Barney’s truck being inert from the sabotage it had been inflicted with. Of course, it was very hot that day, reaching almost 90 degrees Fahrenheit. This caused us to sweat profusely as we dragged our feet and hooves along the pavement with only an occasional vehicle would just pass us by. But there was one of us who was in danger during this. “Zee?” I asked her as she was riding on her mommy’s horse backside in her orb shape. However, her normal orb shape looked like it was melting. “I…” Zee was talking hoarsely “I am so… thirsty…” “I know, honey.” I said “You just got to hang in there for a little longer, okay? We have just a couple of miles to go before we reach that garage.” Unfortunately, my words weren’t helping her situation
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2015 was a special year for movies. And I don’t mean Marvel with Age of Ultron and Ant-Man. Not Pixar with the opus that is Inside Out. Not even the comeback of Star Wars with The Force Awakens. It’s with the long-awaited sequel that has been in development hell for 14 years: Jurassic World.
And it seemed the movie itself felt the same way. Even as the kids Zack and Gray are entering the island, we were welcomed with that classic theme, and we return to Isla Nublar with these kids in tow. But of course, we weren’t the only ones who went and saw it. Doug Walker was among the many to help propel this movie into the 6th highest grossing film of all time. But something odd happened within the Nostalgia Critic at this time. He decided to give us his immediate thoughts on the movie even while it was in theaters… breaking one of his promises that he established upon his revival.
“NC: ( sighs ) So be it. Rule two, no more cutoff dates.
NC : I want to review whatever I want, whenever I want.
Doug : But you’re the Nostalgia Critic. It’s in your name.
NC : I won’t review anything currently in theaters…”
So, Doug, tell us why you’re doing this movie at the time your review was made?
(The NC snaps his fingers and an old film reel titled "The Review Must Go On, Dammit!" plays. We cut to That Guy With The Glasses from "Explaining 5 Second Movies", sniffing glue in the kitchen before he notices the audience)
TGWTG: Oh, hello. I bet you're wondering why we're reviewing this movie now instead of waiting for it to come to DVD. Well, the answer is quite simple. You see, Hollywood now sees us as a threat. (Title cards for the NC reviews of: Top 11 Best Avatars , The Purge , Son of the Mask and Blues Brothers 2000 . All of them are listed as GONE) Taking down several of our videos on YouTube because they forgot reviews are part of fair use . (Title cards for Mamma Mia , Monster Squad appear as examples of videos being put back, followed by the title card for The Cat in the Hat , which is listed as GONE) Some of these videos have been put back, but others are just seen as too dangerous for your fragile minds to handle. (Title cards for the Jurassic Park Movies appear) Thus, every single time we've done a Jurassic Park movie, even if we end up praising it...
You mean praising the Motherfucking T-Rex, but I digress.
TGWTG: ...Hollywood has always taken it down.
(Mr. Puppy, voiced by Rob Walker, pops up on the counter next to him)
Mr. Puppy: But, Mr. Glasses! I have a question!
TGWTG: Why, if it isn't my good friend, Mr. Puppy the puppy. What's on your mind, Mr. Puppy?
Mr. Puppy: Hasn't Hollywood realized that by doing this, they look incredibly desperate and unprofessional?! I mean, even your reviews of (Poster for The Room ) bad movies have led to higher sales due to your exposure!
TGWTG: Hoho, Mr. Puppy, Hollywood has more important things to worry about than that.
Mr. Puppy: Well, what's more important than freedom of speech being threatened by insecure goons?!
TGWTG: Complaining how their (Poster for The Interview) freedom of speech is being threatened by a bunch of insecure goons!
TGWTG: But, as we said before, the review must go on.
Mr. Puppy: I mean, do they know the meaning of irony?
TGWTG: So, rather than do a review just to have it taken down anyway...
Mr. Puppy: They do remember SOPA Napster, right?
TGWTG: ...we're going to reenact scenes from the movie to give you a better idea of what we're talking about.
Mr. Puppy: But, Mr. Glasses! The clips allow people to judge the film for themselves! Won't your reenactments leave an emotional, even bitter mark on the material being reviewed?
TGWTG: (Turns to the camera with a creepy smile) NONE! None whatsoever!
Mr. Puppy: Gee. I guess the only thing we can do now is wait for Hollywood to finally grow up.
TGWTG: I'm not holding my breath. So enjoy our incredibly unbiased review of Jurassic World.
Mr. Puppy: You know, your accent sounds a lot like Cary Elwes with a dump truck shoved up his nose!
(TGWTG knocks Mr. Puppy out with a broomstick. A puppeteer's hand is shown briefly)
So, it’s because of copyright reasons you’re deciding to do this review as one big Demo Reel episode. Good to know. It’s not like other YouTubers have managed to be smarter than this, but whatever. Let’s see how inaccurate you remember this film with your oh-so-keen memory.
NC: So rather than wait for it to come out on DVD, we're just gonna jump right into it. This is our take on Jurassic World.
(We start off this reenacted movie by showing its title, before briefly showing the main characters of the film; all characters are played by NC and his crew)
NC (vo): The movie opens up with our main star of the film. Not Chris Pratt as Owen (played by Malcolm Ray ), not Bryce Dallas Howard as Claire (played by Tamara Chambers ), not even really the dinosaurs. No. The star of the movie is the park.
(We see Jurassic World in all its theme park glory, with various tourists exploring it)
NC (vo): The amount of detail they put into this place is incredible. We finally see it open. It's like Disney World, only less people probably die. It's phenomenal! So, I know what you're thinking: If the park looks this good so many years after the original, imagine what the goddamn dinosaurs must look like!
(We see several tourists approach a large gate, which begins to open)
NC (vo): It's been 22 years since the first film's groundbreaking effects, so how the hell are they gonna look no-
NC: They suck. Like, wow, do they suck!
And here’s the first problem with this review. He’s describing what he’s seeing and conveys it on his low-budget sketches as to how he thinks the CGI in the film looks. Dude, you reviewed Foodfight. Stop pretending Jurassic World’s CG is equitable to that atrocity.
Now, I can’t pretend the CGI is best in this movie either but when you wave a paper plate on a stick with a poorly drawn dinosaur on it [Heck, I’m a better artist than that] saying that’s how bad the effects are, then I don’t know what to say.
NC (vo): It's some of the worst CG the movies have ever cranked out! They look like cardboard cutouts! No, wait, even that would have some three-dimensional qualities to them. They look like mist, like a cloud of fog in the shape of a dinosaur. There's a scene where a kid is looking at dinosaurs through a Viewfinder which...by the way, you're thirteen. What the fuck are you doing looking through a viewfinder?
Can’t kids find vintage items cool in this decade? Walkmans are gaining a whole new following ever since Guardians of the Galaxy came out.
NC: ...and even they look more three-dimensional than the ones in the movie! And you wanna know why? 'Cause it was really there! It was really fucking there! I mean, okay, they're little models and they don't look very convincing, but I feel like I can touch them! I don't feel like I can touch any of these dinosaurs!
You want to touch the models they used for the motion capturing they did? Go ahead.
NC: And here's the thing, I'm actually not Anti-CGI !
I’ve counted past my fingers the many times you’ve said otherwise.
NC: But with the other Jurassic Park movies, they use animatronics and CGI. This fools the eye, it makes it more of a grand illusion. We've gotten too used to CGI, so when we see it, we know it's CGI and we know it's not there. But here's the other weird thing, they said they used animatronics in this movie. In my opinion... they CG'd over the animatronics.
You think they actually built the Iron Man suits for Robert Downey Jr. or Don Cheadle to wear? Those were actually motion capture suits where they also CG’ed in the renders as well.
But let’s move the effect argument to the side and let’s see how much of the story you can recall before its digital release came out.
NC: Now that the park has been open for a while, people, it seems, have gotten too used to dinosaurs.
Now, this was actually my biggest problem with the movie. The whole reason the Indominus Rex was created was because of ratings. Claire, I’ve played Zoo Tycoon long enough to realize that you ain’t gonna please everybody. I’m lucky to get a 95 rating.
But again, I have to remind myself. This is all based around Michael Crichton’s book and it utilizes its themes to varying degrees even if some of those ideas are stupid. But let’s continue.
NC (vo): That's right, they've actually gotten bored with them. The CEO of the park named Simon (Malcolm) and the manager of the park named Claire try to figure out how to fix this.
(Simon and Claire are shown inside an office)
Simon: We need to up the sales. I need you to make me a dinosaur so badass that if it escaped, we couldn't possibly stop it.
Is it racist for someone who isn’t white to do a terrible Indian accent?
Also, Tamara’s outfit is too comical to be an imitation of Claire. Her blouse was not that low cut. These are the people who cry out when Michael Bay sexified his female characters and here they are doing so with Claire in the name of parody.
NC: Okay, now we're talking. We've seen raptors and stegosauruses before. This is creating a brand-new dinosaur specifically to look awesome. They don't have to follow any rules. It's not like they did before anyway. I mean (insert picture of), the Dilophosaurus... (insert picture of said dinosaur from Jurassic Park) Yeah, you nailed that. But they're using science to create whatever the hell they want! By God, imagine what you could do with this!
(NC's imagination of a new dinosaur is shown)
NC (vo): The body of a T-Rex, the wings of a pterodactyl, the neck of a brontosaurus, the head of a triceratops, lions for hands, and hey, just to sell more tickets, give it bazooka boobs!
NC: C'mon, we're clearly in bullshit science here, we can do whatever we want!
They did something like that with a Jurassic toyline called Chaos Effect. Those toys did look cool… but only as toys since if we did get something like, say, the Ultimasaurus from that line, Jurassic World would not have been taken seriously.
NC (vo): So after tricking the security guard like an 80's prison movie; no, really, he's got the sandwich (actually, the guard is holding a hot dog) and everything; what does this monstrous, terrifying abomination of science look like? ( Dinosaur Rob is shown, serving to play the part of the Indominus Rex) A big raptor.
Indominus Rex (Rob): I'm a new dinosaur.
Show of hands [By which I mean in the comments below] how many of you thought the Indominus resembled anything close to a raptor? I’m willing to bet none of you, since I look at the Indominus and see an albino theropod.
NC: Even the made-up name is a bore.
Claire: We're calling him Indominus Rex because it's easier to pronounce.
NC: You know what's even easier to pronounce? Coke 2. And that's all I'm calling him. I'm calling him the Coke 2-asaurus.
(The Indominus Rex is shown trying to scare the guard, but upon having no luck doing so with roaring, manages to do so by using its new abilities)
NC (vo): Hey, they openly admit it's trying to be something bigger and badder than the T-Rex, but it looks so boring and fake, it can't measure up. But actually, to Coke 2's credit, it can do some cool things, like camouflage, lower his body heat, which, of course, the scientists have no fucking idea about.
Guard: Oh, my God! We watched him* from birth, kept him in captivity, and know everything there is to know about him! How can we possibly know everything there is to know about him?! (The Indominus smashes the guard with his hand)
It’s quite obvious that you failed at science, Critic. Scientist don’t know everything. It’s why we have speculations, theories and hypotheses. That’s how science has been done since the beginning of science.
Even in the original novel they didn’t know what to expect from the extinct creatures they brought back to life especially when they had to fill the gaps of their DNA sequence with frogs, resulting in the breeding that was being done right under their noses.
Even the Dilophosaurus. You might recall how Richard Kylie [The tour voice in Jurassic Park] described it.
Richard: “One of the earliest carnivores, we now know the Dilophosaurus is actually poisonous.”
You think they would’ve seen that coming before they produced theses spitters?
Again, this has to do with all the themes the Jurassic franchise has been exploring all this time. Science can be so arrogant that they tend to overlook outcomes whether they are predictable or not.
Plus, we’re talking about a dinosaur that has the intelligence of a Velociraptor. Possibly greater if it had human DNA as the vertebrae in the lab might be indicating. Overtime, she discovered her abilities and didn’t put them into action until the right time.
(Cut to Zach and Gray Mitchell, who were played in the movie by Nick Robinson and Ty Simpkins, but are now being played by Jim Jarosz and Tamara Chambers, with an eager Gray running around Zach, who is on his phone)
NC: This is where the two kids come in, because, by shit, we always need fucking kids in these movies.
NC: But to their credit, they're not that bad. It's more the idiot adults that surround them. You see, their parents are getting a divorce. (Gray and Zach look up to the camera in shock as Zach's phone falls out of his hand) Oh, yeah, sorry.
Oh, yeah. That is the one element that has been lingering in the Jurassic movies, hasn’t it?
[JURASSIC PARK] Juanito: “He had to leave early. He wants to be with his daughter. She’s getting a divorce.”
[LOST WORLD] Malcolm: “Hey, I’m not the one who, uh, dumped you here and split for Paris, so don’t take it out on me.”
[JURASSIC PARK III] Amanda: “Paul and I divorced over a year ago.”
And now here… Gray: “I googled. They’re divorce lawyers.”
People ask why Jurassic Park needs greedy corporate bad guys. My question is why do they need kids with divorced parents?
Points for Fallen Kingdom, at least Maisie was cloned and doesn’t have divorced parents.
NC: Okay, taking out the obvious safety of the two people inside, especially two children without an adult, in a ball, without a track, how is this safe for the dinosaurs? I mean, you've seen people in Go-Karts. Imagine throwing animals in that!
(Cut to Zach and Gray ramming a supposedly dead dinosaur with their ball)
Gray: Hohoho! Hit him again! (Zach does so) Haha! Hit him one more time! (Zach does so) Whew!
I looked up the wiki of Jurassic Park [Come on, it’s not that hard, Critic] and as it turns out, gyrospheres have a built-in algorithm to avoid direct contact with the dinosaurs even if they’re somewhat bulletproof.
(The Indominus Rex suddenly appears, causing Zach and Gray to scream and run away)
NC (vo): But Coke 2 grabs them and, again, because you never believe anything is there, it's not the least bit frightening, yet the boys end up escaping. (The Indominus smashes the ball, before we cut to Claire and Owen walking with each other) So Claire tells Owen, the raptor trainer, about our missing kids and Coke 2. Oh, after they share some amazing onscreen chemistry.
NC: And that's it. That was the onscreen chemistry.
(We see several scenes of Owen and Claire arguing with each other, standing still next to each other, and at one point, kissing each other, before resuming standing still)
NC (vo): On the one hand, I'm happy they didn't argue like those dysfunctional pussies in Twister , but on the other hand, why have them interested in each other at all?
NC: I mean, I'm not gonna act like the chemistry in the first film was that great, but they at least talked and hugged and smiled and shit like that.
NC (vo): Here, they barely even look at each other. They share one kiss in the middle of the film, but then go back to acting like they're not a couple again. It's entirely pointless.
Stop with this Superman/Wonder Woman principal, Critic.
But as for Owen and Claire, they do have chemistry and you’re lying to you gullible subscribers.
And that kiss was after Claire saved Owen’s ass from the Dimorphodon.
NC: And I know what you're thinking. "That's as crazy as the park CEO flying a helicopter into certain death". (beat) You probably weren't thinking that, but I needed a segue.
(Cut to what he mentioned with Simon and the guard from earlier in the review, with the helicopter being depicted as a flying toy)
NC (vo): The owner decides he wants to help stop Coke 2 by flying a helicopter to shoot at it. They even play this triumphant music, like "Yay! He's doing the smart thing!", but, despite everybody telling him he's gonna end up dying, he actually ends up dying.
What’s wrong with leaders taking flying lessons? You had this same argument when President Bill Pullman flew along with his fellow Americans even he had stated throughout that film that he used to be a combat pilot.
There’s a saying that goes: A good leader wouldn’t ask someone to do something he isn’t willing to do himself.
Here, Simon is being a good leader and taking the charge against the Indominus. Not even Hammond himself would do that.
NC (vo): This leads to a bunch of pterodactyls being released, and...
The word you’re looking for is PTEROSAURS. We see Pteranodons and Dimorphodons but no Pterodactylus.
NC: Okay, remember that argument I was talking about before about having the dinosaurs only do cool stuff? Well, here. Let's bring that argument back in. THIS is the cool stuff I'm talking about: the pterodactyls are attacking people. Why is this awesome? Because it's taking it to the next level! We've seen dinosaurs eat scientists and people with guns in the jungle, and we're sick to death of it.
How many times has that happened in this franchise? Once in the first movie and only a couple of times in the Lost World.
NC: Here, even though it's obviously fake, it still looks really cool.
Isn’t that like saying, “This cake looks ugly, don’t eat it.” And then you eat it and it’s like “That’s a delicious cake.”?
(The pterodactyls are shown attacking the tourists, before we are shown a drawing description of what happens throughout the film's scene)
NC (vo): They do some legitimately creative awesome stuff. They pick up civilians, fight over them, drop them into the water, only to have other dinosaurs eat them there; it's fucking fantastic!
The Mosasaurus was not a dinosaur either. It was a marine reptile.
Also, how much of a sadist are you that you take glee in Z
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