I wish I wasn't sexual

I don’t want to feel anything sexually. I have no use for the feelings. They bring me only time wastage and embarrassment. 

Let me start from the beginning. I was a late bloomer, sexually. Didn't have sex until 2009 there abouts. But not from lack of trying. I was an skinny funny looking tall awkward kid. There wasn't a market for that when I was growing up. That or I did not put myself out there much.

Either way, before then, all my sexual frustrations were released through masturbation to porn. The first porn I saw was in class 5. It was Bill Clinton fucking Monica Lewinsky. At the time, it didn’t hit me that the pics were fake. I never imagined how they were caught by HD cameras in very compromising positions and did not care. There were multiple pictures. Multiple styles. It's that they did not care that surprised me. I don’t think I found them very erotic.

We are now in high school. I am a super horny teenager like I guess many are. Masturbation was to anything. Imagination, the ugly teachers who now look super-hot because it is 4 weeks into the term and they are the only woman they see. That random girl from the sister school at church who looked my way accidentally. And then there was porn. It was illegal in high school. I guess porn is illegal everywhere but even so in high school. We would hide while reading them naughty magazines. It took turns going round the class. The one who smuggled it in starts, then uses it as a political tool to gain friends of high status and favours. Before it got to me, it was shrivvelled, tarted and missing the centre fold piece.

There was also the videos. Played in the entertainment room in the open. Boys silently listening to the moans in a hurdle and then later going to bed. Probably to masturbate like I did.

At home, porn was easily available, I started getting preferences and the preferences started getting weirder. The first red flag was when the movie guy asked us if we wanted to watch horse porn and I was curious about it. A horse fucking a woman. What demented shit was that? Not sure, all I know is it made me cum.

After high school I was doing probably 3 wanks a day. I used to sleep in the sitting room because we were squeezed in a tiny place. I would switch on Trace TV and masturbate to music videos then proceed to more hard core stuff. 

Then phones appeared and I discovered chatting. Would get into sex forums and sex chat whoever was in the mood, straight, gay, man woman. I had a non-descript name so I would change my ASL to whatever I felt like.

Getting to campus, I had a folder on the desktop called PORNOGRAPHY that had, well, porn. It was on the desktop to ease people who came to ask me for porn. They would dump theirs there and take whatever they need, I was like a supplier.

All thro before campus I tried hooking up with several women, but I was lazy and tended to be those around me that I try talking into sex. The househelps highschool daughter, the househelp…. No luck. Didn’t stop me from masturbating to them tho.

I entered campus with a different mentality, I realised that women don’t find me sexually attractive and stopped pursuing them for sex. Just talked to them like guys. But it still ended up having a mad crush on my deskmate who was very clear that she could never date someone like me.

Afterwards, is when I met my future wife. She was into me in a way that wasn’t very clear at first but I finally got the hint. I was her first too, apparently. It was akward but felt good to be with someone who also didn’t know what was going on. She however was anti porn and detested me for it so I deleted everything and lied that I wont masturbate again. After all, she was there.

But the porn didn’t really go away after campus. Just reduced. Mostly cos I got distracted by other activities. If, however I am alone in the house for an extended period of time, I have to whip it out.

Right now we are at a rut in our marriage. My wife does not find me as attractive as other men. She reluctantly agreed that I could also see other people but I tried it once and realised it may not be for me. I have resulted back to masturbating. Twice daily. I hate that I have to do it but if I don’t I find myself sending risque stuff to people either privately or publicly. And it's stuff that doesn’t help my case because I do not succeed in getting sexual with anyone.

I feel like if I were less sexual I would be able to concentrate on other important things. School, work, being a father and a cuck husband. I am thinking of even getting a vasectomy incase an added side effect is I do not have to get horny.

TLDR:

I maybe getting addicted to porn and masturbation. It makes me feel disempowered. I wish I did not have sexual feelings. They do not help me or my wife.