“I will never speak on public”

As a toastmaster, I’ve seen many talented speakers. Charismatic and confident, they pose themselves as the kings and queens of the stage. They act as Kaa among bandar-logs. They hypnotize the audience. They could speak for 17 minutes during their ice-breaking speech and the audience will be so consumed no one would notice. Even the timer would forget to brandish his red card. We usually call them naturally good speakers.

And I was just the opposite. Naturally bad speaker.

Let me share my DTM story.

When I was 16, I participated in the “Leader of the 21st century” intellectual show sponsored by LG Electronics for high school kids across Kazakhstan. Some of you might remember that the last stage of this tournament was “Orator”: two finalists were supposed to give a short speech defending her/his position on a certain issue. We had 10 days of training before the games and professional psychologists prepared us, including rehearsals for the Orator tour.

I was hopeless.

I am not exaggerating, it’s true! My palms were sweating, my knees were shaking, I shivered as a newborn kitten. I feared the stage. I hated being the center of attention. The moment I imagined myself in the TV studio speaking to 100 spectators and to the millions of Khabar viewers, I felt sick in my stomach.

But I couldn’t imagine that the reality will be 10 times worse than my nightmares.

I somehow managed to become a finalist. And here I am on the stage. I forgot my arguments, my voice was hoarse and trembling, I was only looking to one spot on the floor – fear paralyzed me. Bibigul Tolegenova, the People’s Artist of Kazakhstan, was sitting in the front row. Suddenly, her mobile started ringing loudly. She was trying to fetch it from her purse for ages. The audience was looking at her. I was looking at her. It takes her ages to find her mobile. My speech was hopelessly ruined. I mumbled some unconvincing conclusion and almost run to my place. I am still surprised I didn’t cry.

I lost the Orator tour but somehow won the game.

The next day I felt déjà vu: another game, another Orator tour, sweaty palms and shivering Indira in the middle of the stage with no arguments and having no idea about eye contact, body language, structure and flow of the speech.

Again, I lost the Orator but won the overall game.And I hated it. I hated it so much I decided I will never speak on public. I will never humiliate myself again!

Years and years I avoided the stage. I was so traumatized, I delegated, pleaded, threatened – I did everything not to speak on public again.

And then, 12 years after my fail, I came to Toastmasters club. I instantly loved it! It was a Belgium day, Nathan Visser was a toastmaster. Everything seemed to be so east, so much fun!

I started to attend every Saturday meeting with no exceptions. However, it took me 4 long months to finally embrace the challenge and give an ice-breaking speech. I was debating myself if I could/should do it and some brave part of me won the battle.

Ainur Mazhenova was my evaluator and she was so nice to me. And I received so many warm words of feedback that I decided to stay, to become the part of the toastmasters community. I still keep these first anonymous feedback notes, btw J

So many good things happened to me since then! I’ve done 40+ speeches.I learned how to listen and how to provide effective feedback. I conducted numerous trainings and master classes. I acted Chekhov’s drama on stage. I was part of a musical along with my very talanted fellow toastmasters. I was parodied in the KVN show. I climbed a climbing wall. I pretended to be Paul McCartney. I established my own Toastmasters club in my workplace. I joined “Toastmasters on the road” campaigned and promoted Toastmasters club in Aktobe and Karaganda.

And most of all, I met so many wonderful people! Toastmasters community made me feel at home in Astana when I just moved here. Wherever I go, I meet “my toastmasters people”. And not only in Astana! In every city I visit, I try to attend toastmasters club in order to learn, to share, to inspire and to be inspired.

I enjoyed my whole journey so much and I am so proud to hold this golden plaque in my hands today. It means so much to me. I was not a naturally good speaker, I still struggle with impromptu speeches but I conquered my fear. I won.