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Verbal and Emotional Abuse Hide in Darkness. Turn on the Light.
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The Am I Abused Quiz helps you recognize abuse in your relationship. Recognizing that your lover abuses you is the first step to ending it. Yet, sometimes the abuse is so subtle that you don’t realize you’re being abused. And sometimes the abuse has gone on for so long you no longer recognize it as abuse. This quiz will help you gain a clearer picture of the problem in your relationship.
Answer the questions in this Am I Abused Quiz “in general.” Any person could have a bad day and act out in mean ways. But a person having a bad day will sincerely apologize as quickly as possible after it’s come to his or her attention that they hurt you. An abuser will apologize only if doing so will serve a selfish purpose. Some abusers never apologize but others give excuses for what they did, ignore what happened or deny that they behaved badly. Much of the time, an abuser will blame the victim for their own bad behavior.
If you answered yes to even one of the above questions, your relationship shows signs of abuse and could be more abusive than you think.
Don’t dismiss it. Investigate it. Educate yourself about domestic violence and abuse. If your partner abuses you, you are not alone. There are agencies that you can call for help. Start with the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Want to double-check? Look at this 16 question response strategy police use to determine if a domestic abuse victim is in imminent danger.
Note: Females are most likely to report domestic abuse and violence, so the abuser referred to in the Am I Abused Quiz is male. Women abuse men, too. Please do not hesitate to call for help if you are male. Men and women can find help by hotline workers and domestic violence agencies in your area.
My husband doesn’t do any of these except the one about making all the important decisions. And having been with an abuser in the past I realized a lot of the things were missing off that list. I wish I’d had this site when I was in my abusive relationship. I’m so glad to be where I am today.
I was Verbally, Mentally, Emotionally abused by Step-father. I was Sexually Abused for the first time at age 4 by my Mothers Brother whom was 14 at the time. Neither did my Grandmother nor Mother did nothing about it. My Parents Divorced when I wss 8yrs old and my Mother re-married to an alcoholic which Started to Verbally, Emotionally, Mentally abused me starting from the age of 9-16 yrs old. My Mother sent me off to live with her Parents and a yr later I meet a guy and my Mother let me get Married. I never had the support of my mother or father on anythi g they both were only concerned about them selves. I am on my 5th Marriage and every single husband was either an Alcoholic and Abuser. The husband that iam with now acts Identical to what my step-father did to me except my husband does not drink. After and still what my husband has and is putting me through I have turned to hate, resent and can not stand looking at my husband. I actually feel like uam living with the devil and it has been a fight for the past 7yrs. Iam finally at the end of my rope, Iam Disabled due to epilepsy and other illnesses and I believe it is all due to how my life hzs been. Iam reDy to leave but can not untill I have a place to go and cannot untill I find help with money to pay for a home plus I have 3 hihuahuas that I can not give u, they are like my own children and I would be crushed without them. I only get $711.00 a month and that is gone by a big carpayment, ins, and other bills I have to pay which by the end of the month I only have $100.00. Iam waiting on a housing app which they said the waiting list is 3yrs or better. I have to means like I said from family members to give me a temp home and cannot count on my own children, for they are messed up as well due to drug, my children they are 27 and 29, I call them children because they act like it. My Son and daughter as well treat me like crap so iam getting it all dire tions. Izm sick of life anymore feel czged in like a dog that is being abused by my owner, the only differdnce is on the outside u can not see the cuts od scars. Iam so sorry iam rambling on and boring some. I just feel like iam binded by heavy chains with no way of out. I just czn not pack up and leave for I will for surely end up homeless. I would most liksley be more happier alone and living in my car.
Love Doesn't have to Hurt "together we can end domestic violence" says
Anonymous, please find a good church. Join a support group for sexual abuse and domestic violence. Its not your fault and you are not alone. It’s agencies in your area that can help you.
How do I classify the abuse u am enduring?
I was abandoned and estranged thus being forced to live in the home where I grew up. There I am still told I am not wanted or loved even though I was adopted and told they wished they had never adopted me and that if it weren’t for them, where would I be. . Is it still domestic violence or domestic abuse if I am being abused by the homeowner whom I used to call dad?
You endured child abuse before entered adulthood, but because you are this horrible man’s child, it is still child abuse. HOWEVER, I believe that in the eyes of the law, it is domestic violence no matter what the relationship if you are over 18 or 21 in some states. So you can use your local domestic violence resources to leave the home and get started on a life free of abuse.
is there any way, how I can survive my abusive marriage? at this point, divorce is not an option. we are just staying in the house together, hes real sick, screams, yells, argues constantly, puts me down, shames me. but hes so sweet and kind outside of the house. I get physical sick, from all his constant rage. refuses to go for help. and makes our whole house cookoo. how can I stand up for myself? he is emotional, and financial, and spiritual abusive
The best way to survive the abuse is to leave the abuser. It is difficult to heal and feel any kind of good when someone is scratching your eyes out every day. Check out the post I just wrote and use the strategies outlined. Here’s the post: http://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/02/leaving-abuse-before-you-go/
Someone please tell me why I am having so much trouble describing the abuse? I cannot explain in detail the reason I am afraid for myself and my kids…
Kerry, sometimes the abuse is so insidious that it is hard to put your finger on it. Every time you open your mouth to explain it, you feel it sounds ridiculous to complain about such a thing. The only thing you’re lacking is the vocabulary OF abuse. Start on Types of Verbal Abuse and you’ll learn the vocabulary you need to explain what’s happening to you.
Thank you; I am so scared of him- I left a message for the Captain at our police department after he is having his friends drive around the block. I said that I did not know how to explain it but he is escalating now that he knows the police are not watching and social services isn’t. He has not put a hand on me but has done things like slamming on the brakes over and over while I was pregnant because my daughter wouldn’t put her seat belt on. Or pins me into spots so I can’t get away. But when I go to explain why it started I can’t, I am not even sure what I did at the beginning. I found out that he sexually abused my daughter that was the last draw so we came to my moms to live (August). The police had little to go on so they couldn’t arrest- but he uses our 9 month old son to continue to the abuse. I contacted social services- endangerment calls, dropping our son and he refuses to take a drug test- no utilities… you name it, But when I am asked to describe whats happening I can’t. I met with legal aid for any help and the attorney read my restraining order denial and said that I was not describing just explaining… He drives around the block over and over when I don’t respond to calls, and stops in front of the house, the police say its not illegal. I keep reading your site with hopes that something will “click” and I can put into words why I feel so scared for us all. I keep thinking why on earth can I not explain- the things I have said out loud I look at the response and it was kinda like… “well whats wrong with what he said?” So I over explain and it ends up so overwhelming. I will keep looking for an attorney to help, I wrote to the DA, police and everyone you can imagine… people like neighbors that have heard whats happened or know of him as a serious threat (small town) don’t speak up- I am doing it on my own & really isn’t working all that well. He is a smooth talker and have explanations for everything, even talked his way out of an elder abuse case. I really wonder if he actually knows what he is doing is so abusive- I will check on the link you gave me and will sign up for a mentor. I am so happy I found your site.
How do you get the police to realize a problem exists? They have told me not to call anymore that what he is doing isn’t illegal…
Unless he physically attacks you, what he does is not illegal. By and large, even when the abuser does physically attack you, the police are worthless (depending on where you live). Kerry, you cannot wait for a knight in shining armor to relieve you of your abuser. This is something you must do yourself.
The police only enforce the law. It’s not that they don’t see the problem or know that the problem can escalate. It’s simply that they cannot enforce a law that has not been written. The police are not your way out.
Call the domestic violence agencies local to you. Find out how to get into a shelter or temporary housing. Ask if you have to press charges for physical assault to qualify for those programs. Ask what the agency can do for you before you leave and ask if there are services available after you’re out. Use the information they give you to plan your escape, YOUR ESCAPE as it is no one else’s decision to make.
Right now, waiting on “someone else” to “do the right thing” is pointless. You must do the right thing for yourself.
And if he turns physically violent, call the police.
Thank you for your help and your advice. I am on my way to helping us thanks to your site and helping me put things into words and perspective- this is more difficult than I ever imagined.
You’re doing the right thing. If he continues to stalk you move as far away as possible and do not let him know where you are. It seems to me that he can’t take “NO” for an answer because he must have control and he’s loosing it so he’s getting pissed off. You are the only one who can protect yourself and your children.
My boyfriend of 2 yrs now is so verbally abusive and sometimes it gets physical between the both of us. We are 10 yrs apart in age and he thinks he runs everything and knows everyyything. He calls me stupid and tells me that I don’t know anything and his favorite word to call me is the B word I hate it when he calls me that name and he knows it. But when I ask him to stop calling me names he says it repeatedly just to make me feel hurt. He tells me I can’t handle my money thats why he doesn’t give me any and not to ask him for any.He’s said many times that he’ll kill me in the heat of him being angry at me, he makes me feel as if I owe him something because I’ve threatened to leave plenty of times and he always says, ” Pay me back all the thousands I have spent on you then b$**h”. . He just got surgery on his knees two days ago and he’s in so much pain still. I say still because he’s had a problem with his knees since a little before I met him. When we first started dating he never talked to me with disrespect or made me ever once feel sad…he tells me to get out of his f-ing house everytime he gets mad at me knowing that I don’t know anyone in this city. He talks bad about all of the few friends I do/did have, they don’t even like him now because he talks so much crap to them. He tells me not to talk to them So I really dont have Friends now….he knows he’s mean to me he admits that hes wrong and he uses his pain from his knee as an excuse to try and justify his actions towards me saying, “I’m sorry I just am just in so much pain, my knee is driving me crazy I promise I’m not this person when I have two functioning knees, I try not to b mean to you but the pain gets the best of me and you dont make it any better, you never know how to shut up!” ” If you don’t like me after my surgery and after I’m healed you can leave I won’t try and stop you.” I don’t feel like I’m any better than him sometimes because I feel as if I let him get the best of me when he hits me and I hit him back or if he calls me names and I say them right back to him. I just tell myself that I’m not going to let him put me down or hit me and me not do/say anything back, I will put up a fight right back to let him know that I am not the one to act defenseless, but it is starting to drain me im getting so tired of the disrespect! Like yesterday and today had been horrible between us, today he literally started calling me names because I didn’t bring him the specific candy he wanted from out of the store and I looked everywhere I could for that candy! He called me a dumb b and that I’m Stupid because he buys that candy ask the time he knows it was in there and I just couldn’t take it I started yelling back at him like crazy. He started telling me that I am a fat b and that ill never do anything with my life and that I’m a slut thats all I am and I told him that I dont wanna be with him anymore and I cant take him being abusive so we haven’t been talking for like 5 hrs today… I just need some advise, we have to move out of our house because the lease is up and we’re looking for new places to go, but I feel like it wont be best for us to move into another place together I am just tired of the negative blowouts. Then again I feel bad that he really doesnt have no one to help him out and be there with him like I have especially now that he is trying to heal from his surgery, he could barely move around. Even though it may sound bad I feel as though this may b the best time for me to part ways from him because he can’t get too physical with me or anything like that but it’s so hard for me in a way to just leave him because I still love him. Being with him for two yr I’ve seen a great person and I still see that he has a good heart but he also has another part of him that makes me feel uncomfortable being around. I just don’t know what to do about getting this apt with him or not I don’t want to feel like I’m leaving him at the time he needs me most it gives me crazy rollercoaster emotions…
I have been with my husband for 25 years. Verbal and emotional abuse is a tormenting reality. Initially I was naïve to his outburst of anger and thought things will get better ( it never does). Suddenly something will spark his anger when we were younger and he would destroy whatever was in front of him be it TV’s , furniture and car windscreens. The reasoning behind these actions was my fault. I cause him to behave in such a manner. Me being the subservient and dutiful wife began to believe I was useless and weak. I was told how to dress, what to say , where to go , how to behave amongst people . Worst of all I was constantly questioned about my job and had a curfew . The last 14 years was a major emotional rollercoaster. After the birth of my children , I had to become “Superwomen”. I had to juggle motherhood , a career and the verbal insults became worse. Everyday I had to walk on egg shells . Scared to say ” the wrong thing or do the wrong thing”. Dinner needs to be cooked and ready by the time he walks through the door ( it always is ) or else all hell breaks loose. If I cry I am told I’m weak and immature at my age ..A few years ago things got really tough. He agreed to seek professional help where the psychologist diagnosed him as a narccisistic . I moved out and promised to be ” Behave” .For a year or so apart still dutiful cooked and cleaned the family home daily and still worked , things were better. For the sake of the children and culture wise , I decided not to divorce and return to the family home. The picture perfect image portrayed to the world is a ” Happy” family who live on the hill , in a nice house with dogs and cars , is a fallacy. Presently things are back to square 1 . My life is in ruins. I have myself to blame . Friends or family are never supportive or are scared to help.
Anu, I feel you & completely understand how you feel. The culture thing is the problem for many women….the stigma associated w divorce is so problematic, yet I bet many of those who shame divorce are often in miserable marriage themselves….just stay strong (:
I appreciate this very much because people need to realize that verbal/emotional abuse IS abuse…it is real, and it hurts.
I am now 31 years old. I’ve been married almost 7 years to a wonderful man; we have no children.
I credit him with rescuing me from a toxic environment where I felt unloved and unwanted. I would probably have killed myself by now if I hadn’t met him.
So here is my story…I will try to make it short if possible. I’ve always been bullied and mistreated by others in general throughout my life. My mother was sometimes verbally abusive to me as a child but I think this was because she had no one to help her raise me. When I was about 13 or 14, she met my stepfather. I still consider that to be the day my life changed for the worst.
From the age of 14 until almost 23, my life was filled with severe verbal and emotional abuse on a daily basis. My stepfather made it clear that he didn’t want me around. Being a teenager at the time, I was no angel but I was not a bad kid.
He would belittle me constantly. He would call me lazy and stupid. He would say that I had an “attitude” despite the fact that I was a shy, quiet young girl. He accused me of having sex with multiple boys under his roof. He threatened to hit me but I would fight back so he knew better than to try that.
He never sexually abused me but he often said inappropriate things and looked at me in ways that made me uncomfortable.
He humiliated me in front of friends or boyfriends I had, to the point where I became even more socially awkward.
He viewed me as a problem no matter what. He called me lazy and told other people that I was lazy…they believed him without knowing the truth. So I worked harder in school. I tried to find jobs. I would spend hours doing chores at home. But it seemed the more I tried to win his approval, the worse he treated me.
There were many miserable years of fighting, screaming and shouting. Sometimes he was verbally abusive to my mother as well.
My mother did very little about my stepfather’s treatment of me. She knew it was wrong but she blamed me, saying that I needed to “toe the line” and “stay o
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