I Want To Try Anal Sex
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I Want To Try Anal Sex
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Your butt is the pumpkin spice latte of sex stuff.
If I had a nickel for the number of times someone has approached me on the street, grabbed me by the shoulders, and shouted, "FRANK! WHY ARE STRAIGHT MEN SO FIXATED ON ANAL SEX!?!" I wouldn't have any nickels. Primarily because people don't ever recognize me on the street, and also because that's a strange question to lead with. But the point still stands that there's a male obsession with the butt hole that women, especially women who aren't into anal stimulation, don't understand. Here's why guys are so into it.
1. It feels completely different than vaginal sex. It's like this: What if you found out your partner had a second penis that they never used for sex, and you knew that this penis would give you a different sensation during intercourse? Wouldn't you want to try that? Except your partner says he doesn't want to do it that way because it's gross because he uses that penis to poop. All right, when I put it like that, it doesn't sound very appealing. Maybe this is a better way to phrase it...
2. It's like the pumpkin spice latte of sex: a novelty treat! Hear me out. People go ape-shit for pumpkin spice lattes when they come out, because they're a novelty. You wouldn't care about them as much if they were part of the regular menu. Sure, you'd still drink them, but you wouldn't be crashing through Starbuck's windows screaming for them. Anal sex is like that. It's not something that's "on the menu" all the time, so when it's available, guys really want to put their penis in that pumpkin spice latte. I mean, butt. I don't know what we're talking about anymore.
3. It's considered taboo without being weird. Anal sex is kind of like when your straight-laced mom cuts loose and has two margaritas on vacation. It's not that big of a deal; you're not putting on leather gimp suits or whipping each other during sex. But it feels naughty. It's just raunchy enough without being out of hand. Also, now you'll always think of your mom drinking margaritas during anal sex.
4. Not everyone has been there, kind of like Mount Everest. No, it doesn't matter how many people you slept with, but you probably didn't have butt sex with all of those people. So it's just nice to think that if your vagina is the club, your butt is the VIP area. Which doesn't make much sense, I know. It's not like people are holding annual meetings or belong to a secret club because they've been to your ass. It's just nice knowing that, if we ever had to compare notes, we've got a bit of an edge.
5. It's like eating escargot or caviar: a status symbol. You know how caviar is gross and rich people eat it just because it's expensive? Sometimes guys just want to do it just because it's elitist and not for any other reason. I don't know if everyone necessarily wants to eat escargot or caviar as much as they want to be able to tell other people they ate escargot or caviar. Some guys don't even love the idea of anal sex, but it's worth the extra cleanup to be able to say they've done it.
By Zachary Zane Published: Apr 23, 2021
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Zachary Zane and Ashley Cobb help a married guy fulfill his fantasies.
I'm Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it). Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner," because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It. To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form .
This is an edited and condensed transcription from last week's "Sexplain It Live," which was recorded on Men's Health 's Instagram. I was joined by sex influencer Ashley Cobb to answer a bunch of your sex and relationship questions.
AC: Nothing really to make of it. People have their own personal fantasies. When I watch porn, I watch a lot of different things. It doesn’t necessarily mean everything I'm looking at I want to try per se .
ZZ: Definitely, certain things are fantasies that you don't actually want to do in reality. To add to that, it doesn't seem like [the questioner] is coming from a homophobic place. Obviously, lesbian porn is one of the most searched among straight men. In the way it’s hot to watch two girls doing it, if you’re a woman, it can be hot watching guys do it. You know, I think there could potentially be an insecurity issue going on here. So it's less about the fact that she's watching gay porn and more, like, if you opened up her laptop and saw 50 guys and one girl—and that was what she was getting off to. I feel like you'd be a little insecure because you can't fuck like 50 men can. I could see how that could become an insecurity since you can’t do this.
AC: Did they talk about it? Did he mention it to her?
ZZ: I don't know. But I was actually going to suggest saying, "Hey, so I saw the porn on your laptop accidentally." And obviously don't embarrass her. Don't shame her or anything like that. But maybe you can ask her if there's anything that you two could do together, whether it's you guys having more hardcore sex. Whatever it is she’s finding arousing about the gangbang, figure out what the root of that is, and then you can incorporate that into your sex life.
AC: Well, if she doesn't want to try it, she doesn't want to try it. I feel like anal is something people either love or hate. Now you can see if she's receptive to anal play because some people don't want anal sex but will like anal play , meaning, maybe you lick the booty , putting your fingers in , using plugs , or beads . I know it doesn't have the same appeal as a penis, but that might be a way to get both of your needs served. But if she’s not into it, I don't want to be like, oh, you should try it.
ZZ: Of course, if she's not into it, then obviously you can't do anything, and you shouldn't beg her. Yeah, see if there are anal-adjacent things you can do. I also wonder if you can get a hall pass, for lack of better words. Talk to your wife, saying, "Hey, I really want to try this one thing once. I know you're not super into it. Would it be okay if I did it with someone else?" It could be a birthday gift for you. I don't even consider this an open relationship, or even, Dan Savage coined the word “monogamish.” I don't even think it constitutes that. It’s just—the way the questioner phrased it, "I don't want to die never knowing"—it’s clear he really wants to try it. So you get a one-time hall pass; you give her a hall pass to sleep with someone else, and that's that. I don't think this needs to be a huge, open relationship talk.
AC: And it could be with a sex worker.
ZZ: Absolutely. I don't think you need to go to a bar and pick up a woman. That is not a feasible way to go about doing finding anal. The focus should be on having this new sexual interaction and keep it as simple as possible.
Zachary Zane is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and co-author of Men’s Health Best. Sex. Ever. He writes “Sexplain It,” the sex and relationship advice column at Men’s Health , and is editor-in-chief of the BOYSLUT Zine, which publishes nonfiction erotica from kinksters across the globe. His work has been featured in New York Times, Rolling Stone , Washington Post , Playboy , and more.
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Despite there being a healthy renaissance for butt play in recent years, backdoor entry is still a deal-breaker for many women — a no-way, no-how, entirely off-limits scenario. Still, more than a third of women (36.3 percent) surveyed in a 2015 study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine reported having tried anal sex ; 13.2 percent reported having had it within the past 12 months.
For some women, like me, anal sex can be a mind-blowing addition to the bedroom . Until recently, I’d never had an orgasm from anal sex alone. Anal sex has always been a welcome precursor to vaginal penetration and other below-the-belt play. The most intense orgasms I’ve had — ever — have involved some combo of simultaneous vaginal penetration, clit stimulation, and ass play.
The key, for me, is to have a patient partner — one whom I trust. Oh, and plenty of lube. The anus isn’t self-lubricating, and the sphincter needs to be relaxed before you insert anything into it. For me to engage in anal sex, I need to be fully relaxed, lubed, and ready. And even then, sometimes the equipment isn’t, umm, compatible. Usually, I’d say you can never have too much of a good thing, but size can be an issue.
Anne Hodder, ACS, a multi-certified sex and relationships educator, says a successful anal experience is most often the result of communication, relaxation, preparation, lubrication, and (at least initially) gentle stimulation. “Anal is something you and your partner should discuss and plan for while sober and clothed,” she says. “Discuss expectations and concerns.”
Here are my top 25 tips on how to enjoy anal sex :
It needs to be a “hell yes.” Like anything in life, if the idea of anal sex doesn’t inspire an enthusiastic “hell yes” you probably shouldn’t do it. If someone has to convince you to do something, say no.
There needs to be a solid level of trust. For me, anal sex requires a higher level of trust than vaginal sex. I’ve rarely had painful vaginal penetration, but there have been a few less-than-memorable mishaps with an overzealous penis and my ass. I’m not letting a penis or strap-on get near my backside unless I trust that you’ll wield it responsibly.
If you “accidentally” slip it in, you’re an asshole. There are these concepts called consent and communication. Accidental anal is not OK.
Let go of any expectations. Instead of immediately focusing on full penetration, try to be as present as possible, and enjoy the buildup and arousal. Sometimes, it takes a few tries to make it happen. And sometimes, anatomy doesn’t fit, or it’s painful for the receiving partner.
Your butt is beautiful. If you’re going to let someone stick their dick or strap-on in your backside, you’re going to have to relax about how it looks. It may not be your most favorite body part, but the reality is that someone will be looking at it, they may be licking it, and if all goes as planned, penetrating it. All butts are beautiful.
Relax. I know, I know — this is easier said than done. If you’re nervous, take a few deep breaths. Like you mean it deep breaths. A calm mind will hopefully set your ass at ease.
Slow and low is the tempo. I cannot emphasize this enough. Go as slow as you need. And if something doesn’t feel quite right, it’s OK to stop and start again. I’ve learned things go more smoothly the slower I go because I’m not triggered to clench or clamp down from worry or discomfort.
Start small. Instead of going for the biggest dildo in your bedside arsenal, start with something small, like a single (lubed) finger, and work your way up. From there, look for a smaller toy with a flared base or a cool little “anal training kit” (like the one below) for building up to a larger size toy. (Also, please remember: If it don’t have a flare, don’t put it up there.)
Communication is key. Your partner may be fan-freaking-tastic, but they are by no means a mind reader. It helps to have a conversation before you have butt sex for the first time. And if you’re in the throes of it, if you want more or less of something, use your words and speak up.
Use silicone lube (and don’t skimp). The anus is much tighter than the vagina, and it doesn’t naturally self-lubricate like the vagina does — no matter how turned on you are. Thick, silicone lubes tend to be longer-lasting and make for a smoother sailing backdoor situation. The wetter, the better. Always.
Unless you’re using silicone toys… This is a pretty simple rule of thumb: If you’re using silicone toys, use a water-based lube, since silicone-based lubes can break down toys and make them gummy and gross (like material doesn’t like like material).
And definitely, don’t use a numbing lube. Desensitizing lubes aren’t inherently harmful, but the anus consists of thin, sensitive tissues, so tears and irritation are more prevalent. I want my body to be able to signal if something isn’t right.
Go shallow at first. Whether it’s with a toy or finger, go shallow at first when penetrating someone’s anus. I know, the impulse is to get in there — all the way in there — but take it easy, tiger, before you deep dive.
The position can make all the difference. Many positions are anal sex-friendly, and some are better than others. Doggy style, spooning, and the standard missionary position are best.
Don’t make any sudden movements. Sometimes it’s nice to add an element of surprise to your sex life, but not when you’re being penetrated anally. It’s not only painful; someone could legit get hurt.
Invest in a quality butt plug. If you’re brand new to anal play, I strongly suggest playing with a butt plug prior penetrative anal sex with a penis or strap-on dildo. (You can do this by yourself or with a partner.) It will get you used to the sensation of being “filled,” as well as help relax the sphincter.
Avoid ass to mouth play (ATM). If you’re a vulva owner, the potential transfer of bacteria from the anus to the vagina should be a concern. If you are moving from anus to vagina, switch condoms, or be sure to clean your penis or strap-on thoroughly.
Don’t overlook analingus. Before you yuck this popular yum, please know that a lot of people find having their anus licked to be a very pleasurable experience. The anus is full of all sorts of ultra-sensitive nerve endings, especially around the entry, that can get
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