I Want To Fist Myself
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I Want To Fist Myself
InStyle is part of the Dotdash Meredith publishing family.
Dr. Jenn Mann is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the relationship expert behind InStyle's long-running weekly column, Hump Day. She is best known for her hit VH1 show, "Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn," and her popular call-in advice Sirius XM radio show, "The Dr. Jenn Show." She is a bestselling author, most recently of The Relationship Fix .
Recently while we were having sex, my girlfriend asked me to fist her. We've used strap-ons, dildos, and of course, our hands — but never fisted, specifically. She is one of my first girlfriends, and I've never actually experienced this before (I haven't done it, and I haven't had it done to me). I know that we're not talking about a literal fist-in-vagina situation here, but still, I'm nervous because I don't know what to do. What should I keep in mind? —Hands Up
How great that your girlfriend feels so comfortable with you that she can share her desires. Fisting seems pretty intense, and plenty of people get nervous about the idea of it, before they even really know what it entails. Part of that comes from a stigma or judgment toward those who enjoy the activity and what it means about their anatomy.
To begin with, it is important to understand that fisting is not a simple one-two punch to the vagina. It is a kink activity that requires some training and skill. For it to be a pleasurable experience for the receiver, there needs to be an abundance of wetness, and a high level of communication. Getting the vaginal muscles relaxed is a necessity for it to be pleasurable.
What, exactly, feels good about accommodating an entire hand inside of your vaginal canal? The people I have spoken with who enjoy it consistently say the same things. They enjoy the feeling of fullness and pressure. Many say that nothing hits the G-spot quite like a nice hand in the canal, and many claim that after trying it once you will think your previous sex life was quite vanilla and boring. So, high five to leaving that in the past.
Let's get down to brass tacks. Here's what you need to know before trying fisting for the first time.
Making sure you have well-groomed hands before fisting is important for both comfort for the receiver, as well as being sanitary. Make sure your nails are short, rounded, and filed.
If you're doing this outside the bounds of a committed relationship, where you're fully tested and aware of each other's STI status, you'd want to make sure you don't have any cuts or abrasions which can be open to others' bodily fluids. To that end, you could even wear latex gloves (the powder-free kind!), or nitrile gloves . If you've got sharp fingernails, you could top them with gauze or cotton inside the gloves to avoid accidentally scratching your partner.
Whether it's your partner's natural wetness or the store-bought kind, moisture is essential for fisting to go well. I'm a fan of silicone lubes, like Swiss Navy or Sliquid Silver , which are both available on Amazon. If you're an organic kind of gal try BabeLube Natural , Sliquid Organics , or some organic coconut oil . Do not use anything with a numbing agent. It is important to be able to feel all the sensations since pain is an indicator that something is wrong and your partner needs to be aware if she is experiencing a problem. (Side note, anyone who has gynecological problems or is experiencing hormonal changes that lead to thinning of the vaginal walls should consult with a doctor before trying fisting.)
Making sure she is very aroused before entry is a make-or-break behavioral requirement for fisting. (See the aforementioned wetness requirement.) This is a time for slow, patient, drawn-out foreplay. The more aroused she is, the more lubricated and, thus, accommodating her body will be to your hand. The uterus even lifts up into the pelvic cavity, leaving more room in the vaginal canal. In addition to the physiological changes that occur during foreplay, the emotional mindset foreplay provides will help her to be open and relaxed enough to take your fist.
Keeping the communication open throughout the entire experience makes it more likely it will be a positive one. Knowing what kind of talk your partner likes — role play , chit-chat, dirty talk , romantic and loving words — can help her to stay turned on and open to the whole experience. Even more importantly, you need to know if she is in pain or something feels wrong. Just like anytime you try a new activity that can be intimidating, you should have a safe word preplanned before you begin.
Start small and build up. Begin with one finger at a time and work up to four. Once you have accomplished this, you will want to move your hand into "duck position," collapsing your knuckles to be as narrow as possible while joining your thumb closely to your pointer finger. This tapered form should help you to ease your hand all the way into her when she is ready. The most difficult part of entrance is getting past your knuckles. Once you are able to do that, the wrist should move in pretty easily. That said, not everyone can take a whole fist. Make sure that if that is the case with your girlfriend, she isn't left feeling like she has failed somehow, and it remains a positive experience between the two of you.
There is a lot you can do to increase her pleasure once your fist is in. Try finding her G-spot . Your palm should be facing her belly side. Try using your fingers to make a come-hither type motion. Some women like to feel the fist gently move back and forth. Others find the sensation of gently clenching and unclenching your fist like a heartbeat to be very pleasurable. Experiment with what feels good, making sure to keep communication open. In addition to moving your fist, stimulating her on the outside with the tongue, finger or a toy can add to the pleasure .
Don't pull your hand out too fast, especially after an orgasm. This is a common rookie mistake. It can be very painful if you pull out too fast after your partner has had an orgasm. Keep in mind that you are not going to be able to pull out your hand while it is still in a fist. You're going to have to go back to duck position to slide out. She may be sore afterward. But just as importantly, keep in mind that this can be an intense emotional experience. Be available for closeness, connection, and holding afterward.
Fisting is not an activity that is a quickie. As you can see, it takes time, patience, and a willingness to tune in to your partner in order to have a great fisting experience. It sounds like you and your girlfriend have the kind of trusting relationship where this could be a positive new addition to your sexual repertoire.
In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship questions — unjudged and unfiltered.
InStyle is part of the Dotdash Meredith publishing family.
Dr. Jenn Mann is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the relationship expert behind InStyle's long-running weekly column, Hump Day. She is best known for her hit VH1 show, "Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn," and her popular call-in advice Sirius XM radio show, "The Dr. Jenn Show." She is a bestselling author, most recently of The Relationship Fix .
Recently while we were having sex, my girlfriend asked me to fist her. We've used strap-ons, dildos, and of course, our hands — but never fisted, specifically. She is one of my first girlfriends, and I've never actually experienced this before (I haven't done it, and I haven't had it done to me). I know that we're not talking about a literal fist-in-vagina situation here, but still, I'm nervous because I don't know what to do. What should I keep in mind? —Hands Up
How great that your girlfriend feels so comfortable with you that she can share her desires. Fisting seems pretty intense, and plenty of people get nervous about the idea of it, before they even really know what it entails. Part of that comes from a stigma or judgment toward those who enjoy the activity and what it means about their anatomy.
To begin with, it is important to understand that fisting is not a simple one-two punch to the vagina. It is a kink activity that requires some training and skill. For it to be a pleasurable experience for the receiver, there needs to be an abundance of wetness, and a high level of communication. Getting the vaginal muscles relaxed is a necessity for it to be pleasurable.
What, exactly, feels good about accommodating an entire hand inside of your vaginal canal? The people I have spoken with who enjoy it consistently say the same things. They enjoy the feeling of fullness and pressure. Many say that nothing hits the G-spot quite like a nice hand in the canal, and many claim that after trying it once you will think your previous sex life was quite vanilla and boring. So, high five to leaving that in the past.
Let's get down to brass tacks. Here's what you need to know before trying fisting for the first time.
Making sure you have well-groomed hands before fisting is important for both comfort for the receiver, as well as being sanitary. Make sure your nails are short, rounded, and filed.
If you're doing this outside the bounds of a committed relationship, where you're fully tested and aware of each other's STI status, you'd want to make sure you don't have any cuts or abrasions which can be open to others' bodily fluids. To that end, you could even wear latex gloves (the powder-free kind!), or nitrile gloves . If you've got sharp fingernails, you could top them with gauze or cotton inside the gloves to avoid accidentally scratching your partner.
Whether it's your partner's natural wetness or the store-bought kind, moisture is essential for fisting to go well. I'm a fan of silicone lubes, like Swiss Navy or Sliquid Silver , which are both available on Amazon. If you're an organic kind of gal try BabeLube Natural , Sliquid Organics , or some organic coconut oil . Do not use anything with a numbing agent. It is important to be able to feel all the sensations since pain is an indicator that something is wrong and your partner needs to be aware if she is experiencing a problem. (Side note, anyone who has gynecological problems or is experiencing hormonal changes that lead to thinning of the vaginal walls should consult with a doctor before trying fisting.)
Making sure she is very aroused before entry is a make-or-break behavioral requirement for fisting. (See the aforementioned wetness requirement.) This is a time for slow, patient, drawn-out foreplay. The more aroused she is, the more lubricated and, thus, accommodating her body will be to your hand. The uterus even lifts up into the pelvic cavity, leaving more room in the vaginal canal. In addition to the physiological changes that occur during foreplay, the emotional mindset foreplay provides will help her to be open and relaxed enough to take your fist.
Keeping the communication open throughout the entire experience makes it more likely it will be a positive one. Knowing what kind of talk your partner likes — role play , chit-chat, dirty talk , romantic and loving words — can help her to stay turned on and open to the whole experience. Even more importantly, you need to know if she is in pain or something feels wrong. Just like anytime you try a new activity that can be intimidating, you should have a safe word preplanned before you begin.
Start small and build up. Begin with one finger at a time and work up to four. Once you have accomplished this, you will want to move your hand into "duck position," collapsing your knuckles to be as narrow as possible while joining your thumb closely to your pointer finger. This tapered form should help you to ease your hand all the way into her when she is ready. The most difficult part of entrance is getting past your knuckles. Once you are able to do that, the wrist should move in pretty easily. That said, not everyone can take a whole fist. Make sure that if that is the case with your girlfriend, she isn't left feeling like she has failed somehow, and it remains a positive experience between the two of you.
There is a lot you can do to increase her pleasure once your fist is in. Try finding her G-spot . Your palm should be facing her belly side. Try using your fingers to make a come-hither type motion. Some women like to feel the fist gently move back and forth. Others find the sensation of gently clenching and unclenching your fist like a heartbeat to be very pleasurable. Experiment with what feels good, making sure to keep communication open. In addition to moving your fist, stimulating her on the outside with the tongue, finger or a toy can add to the pleasure .
Don't pull your hand out too fast, especially after an orgasm. This is a common rookie mistake. It can be very painful if you pull out too fast after your partner has had an orgasm. Keep in mind that you are not going to be able to pull out your hand while it is still in a fist. You're going to have to go back to duck position to slide out. She may be sore afterward. But just as importantly, keep in mind that this can be an intense emotional experience. Be available for closeness, connection, and holding afterward.
Fisting is not an activity that is a quickie. As you can see, it takes time, patience, and a willingness to tune in to your partner in order to have a great fisting experience. It sounds like you and your girlfriend have the kind of trusting relationship where this could be a positive new addition to your sexual repertoire.
In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship questions — unjudged and unfiltered.
Between sets at the gym, I explained to a friend what fisting is. He did not believe me. I demonstrated: my hand, balled in a fist, punched slowly through the air, a gentle six-inch thrust, turned slightly at the wrist, and pulled back. The last time I did this in a man’s hole, he roared into the pillow — that lovely, otherworldly animal growl of pleasure.
I’m not a “pro” or internationally famous fister. But I love it, and that’s why I’m writing this. Because you don’t have to be a pro. There’s no level that qualifies you to talk about or enjoy your fetish. In a kink that requires training and skill, practitioners sometimes get bogged down in a competition that doesn’t exist, in comparisons that idealize “pros.” Everyone starts somewhere. It’s great to be a beginner.
The only thing you need is the hunger — that can’t-look-away tremble when you watch fisting videos online. Ready to try? Click through for my best tips on taking a hand.
My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely off of my own experiences. Like everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.
Those who are sensitive to frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that address sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.
For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions of sex and dating topics in the comments.
Hungry for more? Follow me on Twitter @BadAlexCheves and visit my blog, The Beastly Ex-Boyfriend . Photo by Jon Dean.
You don’t learn how to fist by taking a fist. You learn with small butt plugs that gradually get you comfortable with the feeling of stretching your anal sphincter (your hole).
You must get accustomed to this feeling and enjoy it before you work up to larger insertables. And then — and only then — can you start playing with fingers. You may find — as I did — that the stretching process can be more fun than the actual fisting. I found a massive love of toys (or a love of massive toys) along the way.
Pro tip: Purchase a small, smooth, teardrop-shaped (or rocket-shaped) butt plug no larger than an inch in diameter. Lube it up with tons of lube, slide it slowly in, get comfortable with the feeling, then pull it slowly out. In, and out. Again. Steadily build speed. This is way better with a playmate.
Being a good fister requires knowledge of different chemicals and compounds and how they interact with each other. Insertable toys can get very expensive, especially larger ones, and you want to pay for premium materials.
Smooth, soft, high-grade, premium silicone comes with a hefty price tag, but it’s worth it. You should avoid cheap, hard, plastic-feeling toys made out of materials like TPE.
Since you’re paying money for good toys, use lubes that won’t damage them or limit their longevity. Silicone compounds tend to bind or break each other down, so don’t use silicone lube with silicone toys unless the manufacturer explicitly states it’s safe to do so.
Do research! Find lubes explicitly made for toy play, contact the manufacturer, and always do a “spot test.” Rub a small amount of your desired lube on the base of your toy and leave it for a few hours to see how it reacts. If a chemical reaction happens — an eroded spot or bubbling up — that’s not the lube to use.
Pro tip: When in doubt, water-based lubes are best for toy play.
There’s the old-school classics like Crisco and J-Lube, but recent years have seen an increase in lubes made explicitly for fisting. Grunt Grease from Fort Troff, various lubes from the English brand FIST, and K-Lube — similar to J-Lube except that it’s made for humans (J-Lube is a veterinary lube used for birthing cattle) and way easier to clean — are all great options.
Pro tip: I use J-Lube. Different fisters enjoy different consistencies — I like my J-Lube thicker, less runny. Adding different compounds to the mixture produces different effects. Clove oil, for example, softens the skin and minimizes inflammation and irritation, and has a nice smell.
This is for everybody. Everyone with a kinky thing: Stop using porn as a the measuring stick for skill. This includes both “amateur” and professional porn.
Porn is wonderful, but it also skews to the advanced skill level. You don’t get in front of a camera to do something unless you know how to do it well. Which means we, the viewing public, rarely see the failed attempts or hours of training.
I’ve worked on professional porn sets and can assure you all the preparation time, messes, stretching, and training still happen, even and especially at the “pro” level. It happens before, during, and after the action, and gets edited out of the final product.
Pro tip: Don’t watch too much porn when you’re starting off. Form your reality around your own experience first.
The kinkiest, most hardcore fister will be a beginner to a new kink. Because we’re all beginners to something we haven’t done.
Pro tip: Being a beginner and discovering a new sex practice is the best part of the journey, and one you’ll never live again.
The stigma against fisting is real. Guys who aren’t into it may be repulsed by it. In the kink community, fisting is not a divisive or uncommon practice. Kinksters (kinky people) may debate the ethics of kinks like “race play” or rape fantasy, but fisting? No one bats an eye.
That’s not true for the outside world — for guys you do not meet in kink-friendly spaces, guys you meet in bars, on Grindr, or at the gym. I’ve been blocked countless times by would-be hookups when I answered their question: “So what else are you into?”
Pro tip: Don’t seek fisting playmates on mainstream platforms like
Sissy Reprogramming
Girlfriend Jerks Me Off
Clit Close Ups