I Want Sex To Disappear

I Want Sex To Disappear
What to Do When You Want to Disappear

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Theodora Blanchfield is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and mental health writer.
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Sometimes when life gets hard, you might think, I want to disappear . Maybe your life feels too heavy with the injustices in the world, maybe you are overwhelmed with everything you need to do, or maybe you wish a relationship you were in looked different. If you’re feeling depressed and in a downward cycle of rumination , you may be feeling like you can’t do anything right and wish you could only disappear before you mess even more up.

Disappearing can feel tempting because it may feel like a potential opportunity to hit pause in your life. You wouldn’t have to tell anyone what was wrong, you wouldn’t have to deal with your jerk of a boss, and the dishes in the sink would no longer be taunting you.

Shame involves an uncomfortable sense of exposure that naturally leads to wanting to disappear. It is also accompanied by a physiological response that contributes to behavioral disengagement and withdrawal. 1

But while there’s nothing wrong with having this feeling—plenty of people do, especially when they are going through hard times—it is a sign that something isn’t working, says Rachel Gersten , licensed mental health counselor.

“And that something that isn’t working can either be a small something or a much bigger something,” she says.

Here are some tips for navigating this feeling.

Gersten recommends noting the next time you find yourself thinking I want to disappear . What are you doing? Who are you with? How are you feeling? Where are you? These are all cues to pay attention to, no matter how big or small they seem.

Maybe you want to disappear every time you’re standing in line at the grocery store after a long day at work. OK, sure, grocery shopping can be tedious, but if you take a step back, you know it’s not worth disappearing over. Because it’s not really about the shopping.

Wanting to disappear is a defense mechanism shielding you from feelings you might be trying to ignore.

Do you feel social anxiety at a crowded grocery store? Do you resent that your partner expects you to do the grocery shopping? Maybe you sat in a ton of traffic to get there, or that particular grocery store reminds you of a breakup, and you’re afraid of running into that ex. Or maybe you feel that there’s no room for fun in your life between the monotony of work and chores.

In this example, just noting that you are feeling this way in a particular place at a specific time can bring up any number of feelings that could point to something small to change. This could mean ordering groceries instead of standing in line after a long day of work or having a bigger conversation, such as division of labor in your relationship.

If you are feeling like you want to disappear, feelings of shame 2 may be leading to your desire to isolate. However, the health consequences of isolation , 3 including depression, can be serious. But a dialectical behavioral therapy principle, opposite action can be helpful here.

The idea behind opposite action 4 is that, often, when we are feeling a form of emotional distress, our go-to is to believe what our emotion is trying to tell us. If you're feeling shame, this means your emotions may be telling you to isolate yourself. Acting opposite—in this case, reaching out, rather than pulling back—can decrease these feelings of shame.

If you find yourself thinking, "I want to disappear," it can feel overwhelming and only intensify those feelings of shame or self-loathing as your brain attacks itself. Instead, a concept from narrative therapy called externalization can help you change the story you're telling yourself.

Rather than thinking, "I want to disappear," try to name what wants you to disappear. Is it shame? Fear of embarrassment? Telling yourself, "shame wants me to disappear," can put some distance between you and these thoughts. This may help you take a step back and realize that it is these unhelpful thoughts that want you to disappear.

Gersten suggests taking a break from the thing that makes you want to disappear for as long as you can help. If it's work that's making you think of disappearing, maybe a long vacation isn't feasible right now, but taking a day off or an actual break time are smaller ways that you can remove yourself from the cause.

Vanishing into thin air often isn’t what would really help in the long term (as tempting as it feels!), and we usually think a lot clearer after a break.

Research shows that even microbreaks are helpful at work. 5 Sometimes, wanting to disappear could mean getting off the grid, disconnecting for a day or an afternoon, and spending time in nature.

Once you have removed yourself from whatever that's making you want to disappear, "check in with yourself to get to the root of what's going on to cause the feeling," says Gersten. If this is at work, it could be that you feel that you are not being respected, that you have more work than is manageable—or maybe you hate your boss.

From there, take a look at what you can change. If you're feeling like you're not being respected or have more work on your plate than you can handle, there may be conversations you can have with coworkers on these points. If not, you can decide to change how you deal with the situation or leave the job—not disappear—altogether.

You might be worried that wanting to disappear means that you are depressed or suicidal. Gersten says that wanting to disappear doesn’t necessarily equate to a diagnosis of depression or feelings of suicide. Sometimes it may just be as simple as you don’t want to deal with whatever’s going on that day, and checking out sounds like a better option.

But it also can be a warning sign that there’s more going on with your mental health than you realize, especially depending on how often you’re thinking this way. If you think I want to disappear multiple times during the day or most days, you might want to find a therapist.

If you or a loved one are struggling with depression, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.
For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.

They can help you untangle what the feelings of fantasizing about disappearing are covering up. They can also help you think through which problems you think disappearing might solve and what that would look like. A therapist may finally help you find tools to deal with these feelings or guide you to discover changes you want or need to make in your life.

A therapist may ask you if you feel other things that might point to depression , such as changes in eating patterns, sleeping patterns, or energy levels. An appointment might include a suicide risk assessment to determine what wanting to disappear means to you. Does it mean you want to kill yourself or that you simply want to get away?

Even if you tell a therapist that you have had thoughts of suicide, this does not automatically mean that you will be hospitalized. Sharing these thoughts with your therapist can help them develop proper treatment and minimize risk by creating a safety plan with you if they believe you may be a danger to yourself.

Dickerson SS, Kemeny ME, Aziz N, Kim KH, Fahey JL. Immunological effects of induced shame and guilt . Psychosomatic Medicine . 2004;66(1):124-131. doi:10.1097/01.psy.0000097338.75454.29
Dickerson SS, Kemeny ME, Aziz N, Kim KH, Fahey JL. Immunological effects of induced shame and guilt . Psychosomatic Medicine . 2004;66(1):124-131. doi:10.1097/01.PSY.0000097338.75454.29
Committee on the Health and Medical Dimensions of Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults, Board on Health Sciences Policy, Board on Behavioral, Cognitive, and Sensory Sciences, Health and Medicine Division, Division of Behavioral and Social Sciences and Education, National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine. Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults: Opportunities for the Health Care System . National Academies Press; 2020. doi:10.17226/25663
Sauer-Zavala S, Wilner JG, Cassiello-Robbins C, Saraff P, Pagan D. Isolating the effect of opposite action in borderline personality disorder: A laboratory-based alternating treatment design . Behav Res Ther . 2019;117:79-86. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2018.10.006
Mainsbridge CP, Cooley D, Dawkins S, et al. Taking a stand for office-based workers’ mental health: the return of the microbreak . Frontiers in Public Health . 2020;8. doi:10.3389/fpubh.2020.00215

By Theodora Blanchfield, AMFT

Theodora Blanchfield is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and mental health writer.

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by

Nato Lagidze

updated October 31, 2022, 10:00 am

You get along pretty well. He asks questions about your personal life, returns or texts immediately, and you realize he’s interested in you.
I know how upsetting and confusing it is, but it turns out that men lose interest in relationships very quickly. But it has to have specific reasons, right?
Believe it or not, you can look for the answer in a male psychologist.
And that’s why I decided to provide a guide to let you know the 15 reasons why guys act interested but then suddenly disappear.
Let’s start with the most obvious reason why men disappear even though they seem interested in you.
They just want sex. As simple as that.
Of course, I’m not saying here that guys always show their interest because they want sex.
No, in fact, the cliche that most guys just want sex isn’t always true. It’s obviously the case that many men have a strong sexual focus and enjoy sex.
Still, the idea that “all” men are out there hunting for endless bed buddies is incorrect.
What is true, however, is that some men obviously are.
If they weren’t, then the stereotype wouldn’t exist.
This list should start with this because it’s definitely one of the most common reasons guys act interested but then disappear:
Sorry to say it, but the truth is better than sugar-coating it.
And the fact is that, in some cases, the guy who was so “into” you were really just adding a notch to his bedpost.
Okay, one common scenario is when a guy shows interest because he wants sex. But the other is that they have sex with you but don’t like it.
They just find sex with you too average while they expect something special
Along with the sex subject, there’s the issue of the quality or enjoyment that a guy gets from sex with you.
It’s well-known that some women fake orgasms, but some men also “play it up” in terms of how into sex they are with you.
Sometimes they act very turned on by you at the moment, but in reality, they’re more or less just taking what they can get.
As insulting as this sounds, it’s really not you…
Only a man with low self-respect and a sleazy attitude treats sex as a commodity that he “takes” when he can find it.
And only a coward lets a woman get her hopes up and have felt when he really just wants to use her physically.
The fact of the matter, however, is that when a man puts in work to have sex with you, he’s going to be a pretty harsh judge of whether it was worth it for him.
And now since he disappeared, it probably means that he wasn’t satisfied. He thought that it wasn’t worth it and decided to try it with someone else.
I know this is unfortunate, but most times, it’s true. That’s why you shouldn’t worry about letting go of such a guy!
This relates to the previous reason, and it’s actually quite common.
One of the top reasons guys act interested but then disappear is that a guy tries to pressure himself to be into you but ultimately just isn’t feeling it.
I remember a good example of this from one episode of my favorite comedy Two And a Half Men, where sex-obsessed bachelor Charlie (played by Charlie Sheen) ghosts a stunning blond model on a date because she bores him so much.
He recently met another woman who’s not as “hot,” but who stimulates him far more in terms of his sense of humor and intellect.
And the truth is that a smart and creative guy will lose interest in most women if they don’t emotionally or mentally stimulate him.
This doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “boring,” but it can definitely mean that he got bored of you and felt you weren’t a match.
It sucks, but it happens far more often than most dating guides would like you to admit.
But understanding that someone left you because you couldn’t manage to meet their emotional needs might be devastating.
And this can make you feel like you’re the problem and the reason your relationship didn’t work.
But actually, you’re wrong. And I’m going to explain why I’m sure about it.
Well, the last time my partner made me feel small and left me without any explanation, my friend suggested that it was time to recover with the help of a relationship coach at Relationship Hero .
I can’t tell you how skeptical I was because I felt depressed. I didn’t want to talk with anyone and besides, the idea that a relationship coach would help me to feel better sounded funny to me.
But just like you, I was also wrong. In fact, professional coaches at Relationship Hero helped me to realize that the problem was my low self-esteem. And they provided ways to work on that problem and get through this difficult love situation.
That’s why I never regret getting in touch with that certified relationship coach.
If you also want to get personalized advice for your situation, maybe you should think about contacting them too. I’m leaving the link just in case.
Some guys might leave you because they can’t get enough emotional stimulation from being in a relationship with you. But others just realize they have difficulty identifying their own feelings.
The truth is that the idea that all guys are basically simple creatures who want sex and validation may have some roots in truth, but it’s not the full story.
Creative and intelligent men who know their own worth tend to have a lot more going on under the surface than it looks like.
“I’m one of those guys who came on strong only to later make a quick and surprising exit.
“Yet, if you ask my wife (and most of the women I dated), I’m not a liar, player, or a jerk. That means there’s a lot going on beneath the surface—for all of us,” explains Evan Katz .
Sometimes one of the big reasons guys act interested but then disappear is that they really are interested but then stop being interested.
And the answer can only come from him if he’s willing to talk to you again.
But the point is that the reason is often on his side as he struggles with his own emotions and tries to figure out what he really feels for you.
It isn’t always some grand, complex thing or that he’s a player who just wants to use you. It could be that he was a bit interested but then quickly realized he wasn’t actually into you.
Yes, believe it or not, having difficulty identifying their emotions and even more, having a personal crisis, can lead guys into making a decision to disappear.
As a matter of fact, one of the most common reasons why a man falls off the map is that he’s having a personal crisis or feels he can’t be the one for you.
Whether you just started dating, haven’t started yet, or are in a serious relationship, it works more or less the same.
He begins going through a hard time mentally or emotionally and starts to self-isolate.
He then answers fewer of your messages and stops responding in any way to you, even if he’s physically around you.
This is a very hard issue to overcome because you can’t force someone to come out of their shell.
Really, the most you can do is show him that you’re there for him and go about your life and meet someone new, if and unless he opens up once again.
Did you know that personal crises and feelings of depression often make people feel like they’re not good enough?
Studies show that there is a significant link between depression and low self-esteem, meaning that if he has a personal crisis, he might have low self-esteem, thinking that he’s not good enough for you.
Therefore, on the flip side, some guys head for the hills because they feel they’re not good enough for you.
Whether in their own imagination or because of real challenges or shortcomings, they embrace this idea that they are insufficient or flawed and not what you need.
Dating coach Mat Boggs talks about this in a really insightful video that I recommend. As he notes, “a man’s sense of self-worth comes from his sense and his ability to provide happiness for you.”
When a guy feels he can’t do that, he gets a pit in his stomach.
Whatever the reason a man decides that he’s not good enough for you, it can be near impossible to change his mind. Once he gets it in his head that he’s not up to your standards, it can be very difficult to make him see his own worth.
Accepting the idea that they’re not enough for you as a reason for disappearing from your life is more or less possible.
But what if a guy leaves you because he thought you were not good enough for him?
Well, the idea of being “good enough” for someone is a very codependent idea in the first place.
It rests on this concept that we are somehow competing for the affection of a romantic partner with other potential rivals…
And that if we “fall short” in enough ways, we’ll be left behind on the roadside.
The reality of love is that the right person will make you want to be stronger and see your potential, not assess you like a product in a grocery store.
Nonetheless, some guys with a high opinion of themselves definitely engage in this kind of mindset.
And for various reasons, they may decide that you’re just plain not “good enough” for them.
Wondering why he thinks that you’re not enough for him?
The answer is still embedded in male psychology and it’s simpler than you can imagine — you haven’t made him feel like a hero.
It might be hard to believe, but one of the most common reasons guys act interested but then disappear has to do with the deepest roots of male psychology and biolog
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