I Want Sex Now

I Want Sex Now
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Zachary Zane
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, and culture. He was formerly the digital associate editor at OUT Magazine and currently has a queer cannabis column, Puff Puff YASS, at Civilized.

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Skip dinner and drinks with these sex apps.
Sometimes you’re not in the mood to get dressed up, take the train to a bar, and have a full-on date. Sometimes, you just want to jump into bed with someone , no strings attached.
There’s no shame in wanting casual sex as long as you’re honest and open about your intentions. (In other words, don’t lead your date on if you’re just looking for a one-time hookup.) Lord knows there are plenty of likeminded people out there who are looking to skip dinner and head straight to poundtown.
This is where hookup apps can really come in handy. Hookup apps (or sex apps) are different from dating apps like Hinge or Bumble , in that they specifically cater to folks looking for casual sex—not long-term relationships and love.
Some apps, like Tinder and OkCupid, are hookup/dating hybrids. With these apps, it's important to let potential matches know what you're looking for. Don't be gross about it. Writing "looking to hit it and quit it" on your Tinder bio isn't gonna get you any matches whatsoever. Instead, say something like, "Not looking for anything serious at the moment, but down to have some fun in the meantime. 😉"
Once you match with someone on a hookup app, you should still put in some work in the form of witty banter (and proving you're not a serial killer) before you meet up for sex.
Now that you know what to do, here are the best hookup apps for all you casual sex fans out there.
For the love of God, the app’s name is “Kasual.” You really can’t get more casual than that. Kasual is a great app for folks who don’t want others to know that they’re seeking no strings attached hookups. They don’t gather any personal information, and users can blurry their profile pics or cover their faces with emojis for even more anonymity.
Download Kasual on iOS or Google Play .
Do you like giving oral? Do you like receiving oral? Then Headero is the app for you. Created for oral sex lovers, Headero is also very inclusive of all genders and sexual orientations. It’s one of the few apps out there that seems to cater to straight, bisexual, and gay folks evenly.
Download Headero on iOS or Google Play .
Pure is the anonymous hookup app. In fact, in the Apple store, you’ll notice the full title of the app is “Pure anonymous hookup chat 18+.” With Pure, you don’t have to link to your social media, and there’s no way to identify you if you so choose. Also, chats automatically disappear after 24 hours (unless you and the person you’re speaking to both agree to extend).
Download Pure on iOS or Google Play .
The app is literally called Down, so you know that folks on it are DTF. With every match, you can choose whether you’re looking to “Date” or “Hookup,” so if you’re just looking to have sex, you know which one to press.
Download Down Dating on iOS or Google Play .
Grindr was the first geolocation hookup app that you could download to your smartphone. The app, which predominantly caters to gay, bisexual, and bicurious men , tells you exactly how far someone is away (in feet). So if you’re looking for a quick and easy hookup, you can find a guy who’s less than a block from your apartment.
Download Grindr on iOS and Google Play .
We debated included Ashley Madison, but this is a list of the best casual hookup apps—not a list of the best ethical hookup apps. With the tagline “Life is short. Have an affair,” Ashley Madison boasts of having over 50 million users worldwide (making it one of the most popular hookup apps in the world). The married men and women on the app are definitely not looking for anything serious; they’re simply trying to get their rocks off quickly and discreetly.
Download Ashley Madison on iOS and Google Play .
There are numerous sex apps out there for queer men that cater predominantly to a “pump and dump.” Scruff is a wildly popular one that caters to hairier men — think guys who prescribe to the gay bear, cub, and otter tribes.
Download Scruff on iOS and Google Play .
HUD is for people looking to hookup, plain and simple. They call it commitment-free dating. You’ll notice on their site , they use the tagline, “The app for people who want the [eggplant emoji] but not the [ring emoji].”
Download HUD on iOS or Google Play .
Hornet is another popular gay/bisexual hookup app for men. While not as popular in the United States as Grindr or Scruff, it does have many users in Europe and Asia, making this the perfect hookup app to use when traveling abroad.
Download Hornet on iOS and Google Play .
Feeld is an app that caters to open and polyamorous couples of all genders and sexual orientations. You’ll notice that there are a lot of couples on the app who are looking for a third to experiment with. So if you’re into threesomes, this is the app for you. Even if you’re not looking for a third, but just want a more casual fling, Feeld is a great space because you can be very candid about your hookup desires from the get-go. You’d be less likely to be judged on Feeld for hooking up than on an app like Tinder.
Download Feeld on iOS and Google Play .
3Somer is a specific threesome app, and as we previously noted in Men’s Health , this platform is specifically geared for couples and swingers, meaning it typically draws in a more seasoned crowd than Feeld. Meeting a couple for a casual encounter could be as easy as creating a profile and swiping through for couples.
Download 3Somer on iOS and Google Play .
We all know Tinder and likely have a love-hate relationship with it. You can use Tinder if you’re interested in dating someone long term, but lord knows you can use it if you’re just looking to hook up, too.
Download Tinder on iOS and Google Play .
With OkCupid you can definitely find people to date, but there’s also a sex-positive/kinky/hookup side to to the app/site. I think this is because OKC profiles are so damn thorough. I’ve seen people write literal novels about what it is they’re looking for and answer dozens of personal questions on the app. So some folks are very explicit about their desire to hookup and exactly how they’d like to do it.
Download OkCupid on iOS and Google Play .
FetLife has been around for a dozen years. It’s a huge social networking website (and now app) for folks interested in BDSM and various fetishes and kinks. FetLife distinguishes itself from other apps by emphasizing that it’s a social networking site and not a dating site.
With a sex app named “Wild,” you know that things can get...wild. This app allows you to rewind on matches you first initially passed on (albeit it accidentally or on purpose). You can also upload NSFW pictures that only matches have access to.
Download Wild on iOS or Google Play .

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Key points

Estimates suggest that about 20 percent of marriages are sexless.
While some couples thrive without sex, often one partner, while still desiring sex, no longer feels sexually attracted to the other.
Experts advise that, for couples that wish to stay together, there are options to try.

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Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.

Posted February 16, 2021

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He thinks your libido is low, but the truth is, you masturbate almost every day. The problem isn’t your libido, it’s that you don’t want to have sex with him anymore. He’s trying to be understanding – he thinks you are stressed with work and family responsibilities. And that’s true, you are definitely stressed. But you are stressed about sex more than he realizes. It’s a horrible feeling to want sex, but not want it with your partner.
It’s not about love – you love him, no question. He’s a great dad, and a considerate husband. If only you could want sex with him, your marriage would be almost perfect. But you can’t tell your body what to want.
It’s not even that you are in love – or lust – with someone else. Sure you see guys you’d enjoy having sex with, but no one stands out as “the one.” Unfortunately, though, you do worry that you are at risk for having an affair. Masturbation is only so satisfying. After a while, you will need to be touched – really touched. The light hug you and your husband exchange periodically does nothing to fill the void that you are becoming only more aware of as time passes.
It’s a serious problem with no good solution. You don’t want a celibate life. You don’t want a divorce . You don’t want to have an affair. You can’t imagine opening your marriage. You feel stuck, guilty, sad, ashamed, and confused. You have no idea how this happened; you loved sex with your guy for many years. It seemed like sex would never become an issue. How it changed, you’ll never understand.
I hear this story in my therapy room pretty regularly. Of course, it goes both ways. Sometimes it’s a hetero guy who's lost interest in sex with his wife. Maintaining sexual interest in long-term romantic relationships is challenging for just about everyone. And the truth is, there really are no easy solutions. You can talk about it with your partner, try to “spice things up,” seek the help of a sex therapist, even go to a swinger’s resort. Sometimes this stuff helps, but sometimes it doesn’t. How can something we know how do to innately still be so complicated?
As I see it, Mother Nature never intended passion to last long-term with a single partner. Your body wasn’t designed to stay in lust with the same person for years on end. As a result, it’s a common struggle for couples; estimates suggest that about 20% of marriages are sexless. That’s a lot of people. Not everyone is unhappy in a sexless marriage, but probably more often, at least one person in the couple finds the lack of intimate connection quite painful.
When I work with couples in my therapy room around these issues, I start by explaining sex from an evolutionary perspective. It’s important for them to recognize that their lack of passion isn’t personal; it’s of evolutionary design. The evolutionary purpose of passion isn’t to keep a couple together for decades. Its purpose is simply to motivate short-term pair bonding and procreation. Once that goal is accomplished, that innate desire for a well-known partner becomes more fragile, and may even subside. Nonetheless, nature’s wiring remains intact, as is obvious for people when they rediscover their passion in the arms of an affair partner, or when they divorce and find passion back in full force when they re-enter the dating scene.
Divorce seems to be a common outcome. Couples will hang on to their marriage as long as they can, while feelings of resentment and rejection intensify. People develop narratives about why their sex life is failing: Their partner is doing something wrong in life or in the bedroom; they are just too stressed to have time and energy for sex; their partner’s porn use disgusts them; they never were able to free themselves of anti-sex religious messages. There are many viable reasons. Yet while there are some experiences that seem to hasten this process for many couples, such as having children, all of these couples share something in common: Nature’s sexual ‘pre-wiring.” Nature’s goal for your sex life is likely very different from your own.
You may not feel like you have solutions for your failing sex life, but you do have options. First, keep your heart open. Rather than blaming yourself or your partner, recognize that nature is a powerful force. It’s likely no one is to blame for what’s happening with your sex life right now. No doubt there are things you both can do to improve the situation, but still, nature will always be a powerful unconscious force in your love life.
Next, consider using your sexual “pre-wiring” to your advantage . Also, playing with elements of dominance and vulnerability are ways to trigger your innate sexual pre-wiring in a long-term relationship. Finally, remember that just because a problem doesn’t have a “solution” doesn’t mean that a therapist can’t be helpful .
There are many challenges to being human. Sharing an intimate relationship with one partner over time is clearly one of them. Please hold yourself, and your partner, with love as you forge your intimate path together.
Facebook image: wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock
Marianne Brandon, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, diplomate in sex therapy, author, and lecturer with over 20 years of experience working with couples. She is the author of Monogamy: The Untold Story.

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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC

Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.

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Talk about intimacy before you get to the bedroom, if possible. Bringing up sex ahead of time can help you and the person you're into become more comfortable with each other. If you're seeing someone, ask them about the right time to take things to the next level, how they feel about sex, and about their likes and dislikes. [1]
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If you're casually hooking up with someone, try asking:

“If you’re in the mood, would you want to head to the bedroom?”
“Hey, how would you feel about having sex right now?”
“You really turn me on. It’s totally fine if you say no, but would you be interested in sleeping with me?”

If you’re in a relationship, try asking for sex by saying:

“When do you think is the right time for couples to start having sex?”
“How do you feel about sex?”
“Do you feel ready to have sex with me?”
“Are you in the mood tonight?”

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Bring up sex in a comfortable, relaxed environment. Make sure you and your potential partner have privacy when you ask them if they're interested. Help them feel safe and comfortable, and try to read their body language to ensure they feel at ease. [2]
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Research source

If you're not dating the person you're into, you might not have the opportunity to have a conversation in advance. Before going all the way, be sure to get clear consent and discuss safe sex options.
You don't necessarily have to talk about sex alone in a room with the door closed. You might be on a date at a restaurant or other public place when you bring up having sex.
Be mindful of those around you. Don't ask your partner about sex when lots of people are within earshot. You don't want to put them on the spot or embarrass them.

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Be honest about how your potential partner makes you feel. Be straightforward, warm, and polite, and don't try to put on an act or drop cheesy pickup lines. Just be yourself and tell the person you're into how you feel. Let them know you find them attractive, but make sure any compliments you offer are sincere. [3]
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Research source

Try saying, “I think you’re the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever met. I don't mean to put on any pressure or anything, but would you want to take things to the next level physical
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