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Estimates suggest that about 20 percent of marriages are sexless.
While some couples thrive without sex, often one partner, while still desiring sex, no longer feels sexually attracted to the other.
Experts advise that, for couples that wish to stay together, there are options to try.

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Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.

Posted February 16, 2021

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Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

He thinks your libido is low, but the truth is, you masturbate almost every day. The problem isn’t your libido, it’s that you don’t want to have sex with him anymore. He’s trying to be understanding – he thinks you are stressed with work and family responsibilities. And that’s true, you are definitely stressed. But you are stressed about sex more than he realizes. It’s a horrible feeling to want sex, but not want it with your partner.
It’s not about love – you love him, no question. He’s a great dad, and a considerate husband. If only you could want sex with him, your marriage would be almost perfect. But you can’t tell your body what to want.
It’s not even that you are in love – or lust – with someone else. Sure you see guys you’d enjoy having sex with, but no one stands out as “the one.” Unfortunately, though, you do worry that you are at risk for having an affair. Masturbation is only so satisfying. After a while, you will need to be touched – really touched. The light hug you and your husband exchange periodically does nothing to fill the void that you are becoming only more aware of as time passes.
It’s a serious problem with no good solution. You don’t want a celibate life. You don’t want a divorce . You don’t want to have an affair. You can’t imagine opening your marriage. You feel stuck, guilty, sad, ashamed, and confused. You have no idea how this happened; you loved sex with your guy for many years. It seemed like sex would never become an issue. How it changed, you’ll never understand.
I hear this story in my therapy room pretty regularly. Of course, it goes both ways. Sometimes it’s a hetero guy who's lost interest in sex with his wife. Maintaining sexual interest in long-term romantic relationships is challenging for just about everyone. And the truth is, there really are no easy solutions. You can talk about it with your partner, try to “spice things up,” seek the help of a sex therapist, even go to a swinger’s resort. Sometimes this stuff helps, but sometimes it doesn’t. How can something we know how do to innately still be so complicated?
As I see it, Mother Nature never intended passion to last long-term with a single partner. Your body wasn’t designed to stay in lust with the same person for years on end. As a result, it’s a common struggle for couples; estimates suggest that about 20% of marriages are sexless. That’s a lot of people. Not everyone is unhappy in a sexless marriage, but probably more often, at least one person in the couple finds the lack of intimate connection quite painful.
When I work with couples in my therapy room around these issues, I start by explaining sex from an evolutionary perspective. It’s important for them to recognize that their lack of passion isn’t personal; it’s of evolutionary design. The evolutionary purpose of passion isn’t to keep a couple together for decades. Its purpose is simply to motivate short-term pair bonding and procreation. Once that goal is accomplished, that innate desire for a well-known partner becomes more fragile, and may even subside. Nonetheless, nature’s wiring remains intact, as is obvious for people when they rediscover their passion in the arms of an affair partner, or when they divorce and find passion back in full force when they re-enter the dating scene.
Divorce seems to be a common outcome. Couples will hang on to their marriage as long as they can, while feelings of resentment and rejection intensify. People develop narratives about why their sex life is failing: Their partner is doing something wrong in life or in the bedroom; they are just too stressed to have time and energy for sex; their partner’s porn use disgusts them; they never were able to free themselves of anti-sex religious messages. There are many viable reasons. Yet while there are some experiences that seem to hasten this process for many couples, such as having children, all of these couples share something in common: Nature’s sexual ‘pre-wiring.” Nature’s goal for your sex life is likely very different from your own.
You may not feel like you have solutions for your failing sex life, but you do have options. First, keep your heart open. Rather than blaming yourself or your partner, recognize that nature is a powerful force. It’s likely no one is to blame for what’s happening with your sex life right now. No doubt there are things you both can do to improve the situation, but still, nature will always be a powerful unconscious force in your love life.
Next, consider using your sexual “pre-wiring” to your advantage . Also, playing with elements of dominance and vulnerability are ways to trigger your innate sexual pre-wiring in a long-term relationship. Finally, remember that just because a problem doesn’t have a “solution” doesn’t mean that a therapist can’t be helpful .
There are many challenges to being human. Sharing an intimate relationship with one partner over time is clearly one of them. Please hold yourself, and your partner, with love as you forge your intimate path together.
Facebook image: wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock
Marianne Brandon, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, diplomate in sex therapy, author, and lecturer with over 20 years of experience working with couples. She is the author of Monogamy: The Untold Story.

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Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.

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Dick withdrawal is totally a thing.
QQ: Am I the only one who goes through dick withdrawal? Let me explain. Anytime I have sex with someone after not hooking up for a while, the same thing happens: My inner sex beast (lol) suddenly unleashes, making me crave sex nonstop for at least a week or two. Please tell me I’m not the only one who faces this annoying dilemma?
A sexpert has confirmed: I’m not. Phew! “The combo of the neurochemicals released during sex along with the emotions that go along with bonding and intimacy can certainly lead to a withdrawal feeling,” confirms Kiana Reeves, a somatic sex educator and chief brand educator at Foria Wellness . So, yeah, sex can be kind of like an addiction. Once you’ve had it (for the first time or for the first time in a while), you may likely want it again...and again...and again.
But why does this happen? What actually goes down inside our bodies that turns us into insatiable creatures who demand more action? Behold, four scientific explanations:
“Sex is a heightened physical and emotional experience. When your body experiences something that feels deeply satisfying, it’ll send signals to encourage more of that behavior,” explains Reeves.
Our brains and bodies are ~bathed~ in neurotransmitters like dopamine (that’s closely linked to pleasure, reward, and addiction) and oxytocin (aka the bonding and love hormone), she says. When we hook up, we’re basically drinking a chemical cocktail that makes us want another round. (Personally, I prefer drinking margaritas, but I’ll indulge in a chemical cock tail too.)
There’s a psychological element to all this as well. “A good sexual experience often helps deepen our feelings about a relationship,” says Carol Queen, PhD, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations . “If you’re engaging in a relationship with someone where love and a sense of connection and belonging together are part of the mix, you’ll likely experience a (metaphorical) flame lighting up your sexual self.”
Awesome sex can make us feel free, appreciated, sexy, attractive—ya know, all those fun feelings directly associated with our self-esteem, beliefs, desires, and self-image. (I can confirm that having hot sex makes me feel like a badass bitch. Why wouldn’t I want to feel like that all the time?!)
“It’s definitely possible that a turned-on person who didn’t orgasm could continue to crave sex because they just want to finish,” says Queen. If this is you, first off, I’m sorry. Second, let’s establish what the problem is: If you’re sexing with someone who snoozes as soon as they finish, it might be worth evaluating what this person brings to your sex life. It’s 2020, we out here ditching selfish sex partners, mmkay?
Now, if the person you’re between the sheets with doesn’t know how to make you O—but is still, at least, attempting to ( big difference)—it ultimately comes down to communication. Tell your partner when something feels good and what’s working. This way, they’ll be able to pick up on cues that can lend a hand to your orgasm. Also: Do. Not. Sleep. On. Foreplay. It gets everyone started and feeling great, and it increases the chance of actually getting to the point of orgasm. And if you have to go back to foreplay moves post-intercourse in order to climax, go forth and get yours.
If you’re anything like me, you may experience that depressing feeling that happens when you come down from a pleasurable experience (it happens when I eat a little too much of something delicious or if I go on a bomb-AF date and they don’t text me immediately afterward).
The “comedown” you may experience is just your body’s way of telling you it wants to feel pleased again.
Much like real addictions, though, if your newly spiked sex drive starts to interfere with your day-to-day life in a negative way, you may want to investigate that urge with a more concerning lens, advises Reeves. Therapy might be a good place to start.
If you’re confident that your jacked-up libido is a healthy thing, though, then here’s what you can do to satiate it: Masturbate. “You have the privacy to explore all your fantasies and the opportunity to better understand your own body plus the emotional and physical benefits of receiving all that pleasure,” says Reeves. Plus, there’s no mess of having a no-strings-attached hookup. But if you’re in a relationship, let bae know you’re up for more—because they’re probably craving it too.
Now, excuse me while I go find one of those love cock tails mentioned earlier.

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OK guys, stop all your whining and complaining for a second and listen up: If you want more sex from your wives, you have to grow up and recognize that people change, relationships change, and your sex life doesn’t stay the same.
As a sexologist, relationship expert, and contributor to Good in Bed , the one question I’m constantly asked is: "How can I get my wife to have more sex with me?" Well, I also happen to be a wife and mother of two little ones, so I’m going to give it to you straight. Here’s my advice for not screwing it up and actually getting some tonight:
1. Snuggle, Don’t Grope. You’re in the mood, so you reach out and grab us—our breasts, butt, or genitals, that is. Guys, believe me when I tell you that this is the biggest sin you can commit when trying to seduce a woman. It will not send us into an orgasmic swoon. (And, hey, if it does, you don’t need my advice, right?). Neither will groping us in the kitchen while we’re unloading the dishwasher.
These inept moves don’t get us all hot and bothered — they just upset us. Try hugging or kissing. Hold and squeeze our hand. Unload the dishwasher yourself. Women want to feel connected to our partners—in ways that don’t always involve sex.
As guys, you see something sexy and suddenly you’re in the mood for sex, ready to go. You pick up the mail, there’s a Victoria Secret catalog in the box, and next thing we know you’re sniffing in our direction like a dog expecting a treat. But women don’t work like that. We may see something that’s sexy, and that something may even be you, but we don’t suddenly want to have sex. That’s where men and women differ: You have to actually put us in the mood. You have to make us feel sexy and make us want to be sexual.
Here’s a tip: Did you know that studies show that if you hug for partner for 30 seconds it raises her oxytocin levels? Oxytocin is a hormone that makes us feel loving and connected and helps put us in the mood. So start with a hug.
2. Don’t Treat Us Like Porn Stars. Just because you can pay to watch a chick with fake boobs and a fake tan fawn all over some hairy, grunting guy doesn’t mean you can treat us like some 30-second money shot. Women crave seduction. We crave pleasure. We want sex to be, well, sexy, not like some third-rate porn production. I’m not saying you won’t get those little surprise treats now and then—but you’ve got to work for them. Luckily, the brain is our biggest sex organ, and most women have fantasy lives that leave your porn sites in the dust. You know one of the reasons why women aren’t more into porn? Because almost all of it is created by men and for men, who don’t have a clue about what really turns a woman on. Wanna know what does turn us on? Ask us, engage us. Which brings me to…
2. Do Unto Others. Want hot sex? You have to provide us with the kind of sex we want to have. Simply put, you’ve got to give as good as you get. Do I need to spell it out for you? If you want us to use our mouths, you have to use yours, too! And if you do it first? All the better. Most women orgasm best from clitoral stimulation.
4. Give Us Space. It seems counterintuitive, but letting your partner have some time to herself can help her recharge. Offer to watch the kids for a few hours so she can meet a friend for coffee, take a book to the beach, or relax in a bubble bath. This "time off" lets her wind down so that later she’ll be ready to heat up. And by the way, watching your kids isn’t "babysitting". They’re your children—play with them like you mean it. Be a dad, not a bachelor. Remember, a lot of us find nothing sexier than a dad who’s into his kids.
5. Talk—and Listen. I know, I know: Many of you would probably rather clean that toilet than be forced to "communicate." But I’m not asking for an hours-long heart-to-heart here. Spending 20 minutes connecting with your partner and listening to her talk can help her feel appreciated. Avoid stressful topics like your kids, work, and home and stick to larger issues like current events and the world around you. Respond with full sentences, not grunts. If you can remember and repeat something she said 12 hours later, she’ll be impressed—and you’ll be one step closer to sex.
Want more tips? I’ll be answering your questions all week at Good in Bed .
Logan Levkoff, Ph.D. is a sexologist and sexuality educator based in Manhattan. Logan frequently appears on television and contributes to many publications. She is also the author of "Third Base Ain't What It Used to Be." For more information visit www.loganlevkoff.com or follow her on Twitter : @LoganLevkoff .
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