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Nostalgia Critic

20th Century Fox

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(The Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence play)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Did you hear about the one who made (The poster for Movie 43 appears in the left corner) one of the worst movies of all time, (The poster for Green Book appears in the right corner) yet somehow won Best Picture? Gotta be funnier than anything (points to Movie 43 poster) in this!

(The title for the mentioned film is shown, followed by its clips)

NC (vo): Movie 43 is a film I've been asked to review for a while and is gaining a reputation as one of the most puzzling bad comedies ever made, not for how unfunny it is...though, yes, it does succeed spectacularly at that...but rather because how many big names were attached to it. Names like Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Halle Berry, Richard Gere, Emma Stone, Kristen Bell, Gerard Butler, Naomi Watts, and that's just to name a few. Directed by some other big names, like Peter Farrelly, Elizabeth Banks, James Gunn, Brett Ratner, again just to name a few, with a tiny budget of only six million dollars. Yeah, that sounds like a lot, but to give you an idea, Boo! A Madea Halloween cost 20 million to make. The surprisingly bigger question than why the hell this movie was made is how the hell this movie was made.

NC: Well, almost like in Apocalypse Now from a parallel universe, the making of this movie is arguably more interesting than the movie itself.

(The photos and posters start appearing as NC continues speaking)

NC (vo): Originally, comedy producer Charlie Wessler wanted to make the next Kentucky Fried Movie , a collection of funny shorts that push the envelope in terms of good taste. He described it as Funny or Die , only you could go crazy. Because...Don Cheadle's Captain Planet was too normal for it. His plan was to have three pairs of comedy directors take one-third of the movie: the Farrelly brothers, the Zucker brothers, and Trey Parker and Matt Stone. An interesting idea, but overtime, all of the directors backed out, apart from one of the Farrellys, who not only decided to join development as a producer as well, but also happened to be a very charming guy with a lot of famous friends. They first got Hugh Jackman to agree, who loved the idea of doing something different and risque. And after much convincing of her agents, they got Kate Winslet as well.

NC: This became the movie's pitching point.

NC (vo): We're doing a film with a ton of big names, it only takes a few days to shoot, and major stars Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet already filmed. Well, the pay was certainly low for a lot of these big names, but it was only for a few days, there's already big talent involved, and, best of all, they offered to work around their schedules, which meant the film took over four years to make, with some celebrities even trying to get out of it. Richard Gere said he has to be nice, but said that he wouldn't be available for over a year, production had to move from LA to New York, and they could only have him for four days, not a minute more. Give Wessler and Farrelly credit, they worked within all the limitations both the actors and directors laid out for them, making this a very bizarre passion project, but still a passion project nonetheless. However, with the strange mix of both a large amount of time and a short amount of time, was there any chance this movie would actually turn out something of value? And...when I say "value", I mean something anybody will put on the resume in the future.

NC: Well, let's see the fruits of their labor of lackluster love. This is Movie 43 .

(The movie begins with showing the main segment of the movie, "The Thread". It's revealed that NC is watching the version released in the UK, the Netherlands, Russia, etc. Calvin Cutler and his friend J.J. make a video in the style of MTV's Jackass by performing a crazy stunt and upload it on YouTube)

NC (vo): It opens with one kid throwing a dartboard at another kid holding a dart in his mouth.

NC: I'll admit, I laughed at this, but knowing that...

(We briefly cut to one of the latter segments of the film starring Johnny Knoxville)

NC (vo): ...Johnny Knoxville's in this movie...

(Calvin and J.J.'s video instantly reaches over 1,000,000 views on YouTube. This turns out to be an April Fool's prank from Calvin's younger brother Baxter, who appears on their screen via video call)

NC (vo): It looks like this is actually a video they uploaded online, and his little brother tricks them into thinking it went viral. Yeah, the only thing going viral in this movie is George Clooney's response when they asked him to be in it. (The quote "No fucking way" appears below Clooney's photo) Look it up, he said that.

Baxter: I took the liberty of cloning YouTube and hyper-inflating your views.

NC (vo): The boys look to get revenge by giving the little brother's computer viruses, so they ask him to help looking for a movie.

Calvin: There's this movie on the Internet. We can't...find it. I mean, this video is so illegal, it has been banned by every country in the world.

NC: (as Calvin) It's so banned, even Facebook, Twitter and YouTube think it's going too far!

Calvin: If you can watch it all the way through, you're rewarded beyond your wildest dreams.

(Baxter looks for "Movie 43" on Zwoogle, and indeed, there are no search results for this)

NC (vo): Oh, that's kind of how this film works, except the reward for watching is abject emptiness.

NC: Though it does last you all your life.

NC (vo): If you haven't caught on, this is the sketch that loosely links all the others together. You're Rod Serling, if the script for (The poster for American Pie Presents: Beta House is shown) an American Pie straight-to-DVD movie anally assaulted the charm out of him.

NC: (nods, smiling) Have fun with that mental image!

(J.J. and Baxter continue searching for "Movie 43" by reaching the dark corners of the Internet and its 43rd page. The videos they find on it are serving as sketches for the movie itself. The first one named "The Catch" and directed by Peter Farrelly begins with a single businesswoman named Beth (Kate Winslet) preparing for a blind date with the bachelor Davis (Hugh Jackman), helped by her friend Abby (Anna Madigan))

NC (vo): The first video they find is a sketch starring Kate Winslet and Hugh Jackman; the routine that launched a thousand "well, they're in it".

Beth: But he's probably got one of those awkward character faces.

Abby: (holding a magazine with Davis' photo on the cover) Mr. Character Face is on the cover of Gotham magazine.

NC: Well, now that he's done playing Wolverine, he's gonna play Batman now...I'm sorry! My Bruce Waynes Sparkle. (Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) from the Twilight movies is shown)

(At the restaurant, Beth meets with Davis, but when he removes his scarf, a pair of testicles are revealed to be dangling from his neck, to Beth's shock. This is covered by a censor bar from now on)

NC (vo): Speaking of things that should be banned, I don't know how much of this I can show, but...oh, how do I put it...Hugh Jackman has balls on his neck.

NC: ...That still doesn't sound right, but there's no way to say it so it does sound right.

(Nobody at the restaurant is surprised by Davis' abnormal anatomy)

NC (vo): I'll admit, the reveal at first is so out-of-nowhere and so matter-of-fact, it did get a legit laugh out of me. But take a guess how many other jokes they have in this entire sketch...you're right, this one! This is the one joke they're gonna have the whole time! Christ, did the guy who produced the It's Pat movie produce it- (The poster for the mentioned movie pops up with a "Yes.") OH, COME ON! Look. A pube falls, and he eats it. You're on a life-size recreation of the Titanic with Leonardo DiCaprio. Now you're watching the Greatest Showman eat his neck ball hair!

NC: (grins) Life is funny. This movie is death, but life is funny.

(The mother and father approach Davis with their infant named Evan)

NC (vo): Look, a baby. This has promise.

(Davis takes Evan on his hands, which is still covered by a censor bar, to Beth's dismay)

Davis: Come here. Can I? (chuckles) Come here.

Davis: Who's a big boy? Who's a big boy, huh?

NC: Well, if Hugh Jackman's ever has registered sex offender, we now know which picture to use.

(Davis kisses Beth on her forehead, with his neck-testicles are dangling near Beth's mouth, causing her to scream. This ends the first sketch, as we go back to J.J. and Baxter)

NC (vo): Wondering what this is all building up to? The balls touch your face...whoa-ho-ho, whoa!...and that stops. Yeah, it doesn't even really end, it just stops. I think because Winslet said, "If they don't fire three of my agents before they shout cut, I will do to their balls the exact same thing they're currently doing with Jackman's!". Nobody could blame her.

(Meanwhile, Calvin is holding Baxter's laptop, loading it with viruses from porn sites)

Calvin: (typing) "Pornography with viruses".

(We go to the next segment, "Homeschooled", directed by Will Graham. Sean and Claire have recently moved and are having a talk with their neighbors, the Millers, played by Liev Schrieber and Naomi Watts. Their son Kevin (Jeremy Allen White) is homeschooling)

NC (vo): One of the boys tries putting viruses on the brother's computer from a porn site, as they look up the next sketch. And yes, I, too, think there should be a written law that Liev Schreiber and Hugh Jackman should never be in a movie together again.

NC: Nothing personally against him, it's just bad things happen. (The poster for X-Men Origins: Wolverine is shown)

NC (vo): He and Naomi Watts play the parents of a homeschooled child they like to brag about, despite them being less than pleasant with him.

Claire: High school's about more than just classes and homework.

Robert: There's the alienation, the Ioneliness.

(Cut to Samantha passing by Kevin and bumping him, making him drop his books)

Samantha: You dropped your books, fuckface.

(Cut to Kevin playing basketball outside with Robert)

Robert: Pack your knees up! (throws a ball, knocking Kevin out)

NC (vo): Again, the idea's okay, as they say they don't want him to miss out on what other kids go through in school, so they "boy" him and make him feel awkward and do all sorts of terrible things...

NC: But, again, you know this is it. This is the one joke throughout the whole thing.

NC (vo): So you get a second of laughter, but a dozen minutes of boredom. There's no spin, uniqueness, or adding on top of the joke. It's just the same stale formula. You're expecting it to end with Steven Seagal telling an uncomfortable audience how great they've been before they cry-drive their way home.

(Samantha is shown in her son's room)

NC (vo; unenthusiastically): Look. They even want to act out his first kiss. He doesn't want that .

(Samantha tries instigate Kevin for a "first kiss" by smooching closer to his lips. Kevin doesn't even pay attention)

NC: Okay, give that kid an Oscar, because acting like you're not interested in Naomi Watts is hard. (Beat) Of course I mean it that way.

NC (vo): When they meet him, he seems well-adjusted enough, but enter punchline.

(Kevin reveals to Sean and Claire that he made a doll out of a mop with Samantha's face on it)

NC: Yeah, I just saw him make out with his mom. How is this supposed to be the surprising shock ending?

(Cut to the third sketch, "The Proposition" that is directed by Steve Carr. It is about a pair named Julie and Doug, who are played by Anna Faris and Chris Pratt. They sit on the meadow)

NC (vo): The next sketch has Chris Pratt getting ready to propose to Anna Faris. (chuckles nervously) Well, this isn't uncomfortable.

Doug: There's something I want to ask you.

Julie: There's something I'd like to ask you .

Doug: How about we say it at the same time?

NC: (stunned, then waves hand) That's surprisingly made things less awkward.

(Urged by his best friend Larry and others to go along with it, Doug eats a large cake and drinks a bottle of laxative prior to the event)

NC (vo; sighs): This is the joke, right? It's all gonna be poop-related? (Julie is shown wearing an apron that reads "Bless This Dump" and squirting brown cream on the cake) Look, she has "dump" on her apron. Look, the frosting is just like poo. Look, they're talking about poo. Look, he gets a Viagra for poo! Oh, I sure hope this ends with a golden shower!

(Doug is feeling uneasy while on bed, and Julie flirts with him)

Julie: Do you remember what I was wearing that day? Do you remember what I was wearing?

Doug: (his stomach grumbling) A yellow sundress. Come on, roll over and let me shit on you, please!

(Julie is angered and runs into the street. Chasing after her, Doug is then hit by a car and graphically evacuates his bowels everywhere. This is, of course, censored)

NC (vo): He uses the word "shit" instead of "poo", insulting her, causing her to run away...where was she even gonna go?...and a car hits him, resulting in POO !

NC: ...I'm just gonna pretend this was funny. (laughs forcibly) Ha-ha-ha...I couldn't even get free laughs out. I'm not that good an actor.

(When we go back to the main plotline, Baxter is really eager to find the so-called "Movie 43" and continues to search with J.J., going to the next video/sketch)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, the younger brother obsesses with finding the entire Movie 43 . I don't even get it. Do they think they're watching it in parts? Do they think they haven't found it and they're just watching random videos?

NC: I know it's a nitpick, but there's so little funny, it's the only thing I can focus on!

("Veronica", the fourth segment directed by Griffin Dunne, shows a grocery store worker named Neil (Kieran Culkin) arguing with his ex named Veronica (Emma Stone))

NC (vo): The next sketch opens in a grocery store with Kieran Culkin and Emma Stone. Finally, together at last!

Neil: I can't believe you sucked off that hobo for magic beans.

Veronica: (almost sobbing) He was a wizard, Neil.

Neil: (puts a finger on Veronica's lips) Shh.

NC: ...I'll give them credit, while it isn't written very funny...

NC (vo): ...their diehard commitment to these performances...

NC: ...does make it kind of giggle-worthy!

Neil: (rolling finger around Veronica's lips) I wanna be aaaaaaaaaaallllll... (This is heard by the customers in other aisles) ...over your chin.

NC: (snickers) Shit. (slams the table) That made me laugh. Dammit! (slams it harder, realizing what he's done)
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