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By Louis Baragona and Zachary Zane Published: Nov 30, 2020
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Louis is a New York-based writer focusing on style, gear and grooming
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Need to up your sexting game? We teamed up with the sex ed website O.School for tips to help you nail it.
Whether you’re single and trying to mingle , dating multiple people, or in a committed relationship, knowing how to sext can be a huge game-changer. It's a great way to build anticipation in the lead-up to a hookup, not to mention keep the spark alive if you've been with the same partner for a long time. During COVID, sexting is especially beneficial, since you’re not able to ( or really shouldn’t ) meet up with new folks for casual sexual encounters.
Sexting is a delicate balancing act—one that requires the sexter to navigate the grey area between sexy and weird. Should I call my penis a "dick," or is that too porn-y? Is role play on the table, or nah? What if I'm being catfished? These questions are understandable: the last thing you want to get in response to an earnest attempt at a dirty text is a "LOL, WTF?"
That said, if you adhere to proper sexting etiquette , sexting can pay off big time. According to a study published in the journal Computers In Intimate Behavior , half of those with committed partners reported that sexting had a positive outcome on their "sexual and emotional relationships."
First and foremost, sexting should always be a two-way street because unsolicited dick pics are never sexy—and could be considered sexual harassment. (In fact, Texas has actually banned sending unsolicited dick pics; if you’re in Houston and you send a pic of your junk to someone who hasn’t asked for it and doesn’t want to see it, you can be hit with a $500 fine, according to Insider .)
So before you get your wang ready for its closeup, ask your partner if they're comfortable with it. Keep the conversation light by asking, "Do you want to exchange photos?" or, "Have you ever sexted? Is that something you're down to try?" If they are, be mindful of what they are and aren't cool with. No pics, all texts? Great. Call yourself Sext-speare and get to writing.
Once you and your partner have decided it's game on, you might be at a loss for what exactly to say to come across as cool and sexy, as opposed to creepy and awkward. Call it writer's (cock) block. Just remember things your partner likes to do in bed. What are their turn-ons? What's something they did in bed that turns you on just thinking about it?
If you don't know what they want or where to start, ask: communication is key. You can keep the tone silly and playful and fun. Humor can help diminish awkwardness, especially at first.
Alright, with said, let’s get down to how to sext.
Let’s say you and your partner decide you want to start sexting. You can’t go balls to the wall and send them a close-up of your hard-on. Not only is that far too aggressive, but you also need room to build. Sending a dick pic first is like starting a performance with the big finale—when you start with the finish, there’s nowhere else to go.
Kick things off by sexting cutesy phrases like “Couldn’t stop thinking about you last night ;)” or “I can’t wait until we get naked together again...” This will also give your partner a heads up so that they can think to themselves: Okay, we’re actually doing this right now . Let me change gears.
“Explaining exactly what you want to do to your partner, whether it’s inspired by erotica, porn, or a real-life past sexual experience, is a simplified way to ease into dirty talk without feeling awkward,” says Gigi Engle, ACS, Promescent brand advisor and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life .
So, after a few exchanges, you can say what you plan on doing with your partner when you finally get to meet up IRL. Do you want to eat them out until sunrise? Let them know. Do you want to bring out some sex toys and try something new? Sext it. This harkens back to classic dirty talk tips : First, say what you did; then, say what you’re doing; and finally, what you want to do. But really draw it out, create a full scene.
If you really want to up your sexting game, you can write an entire sexy story and email it to your partner, Engle says. When they read that bad boy on their lunch break at work, they'll (hopefully) get all hot and bothered and excited for the next time you're together IRL. “Sometimes having a fuller narrative can keep the sexting flow going,” Engle says. Writing erotica is really helpful if you sense a lull in your sexting or feel like you’ve already said and sent everything you can. “Plus, you can try out different fantasies while pretending to be someone else; that can add a whole layer of eroticism."
If you have some sex toys you’d like to use with your partner, send a photo of them displayed on your bed. You can write something like, “I can’t wait to use this with you.”
Maybe you’ve been talking about some hot spanking you’d like to do together. Send them a pic of your leather crop with a message like, “For when you’ve been naughty.” If you bought some sexy underwear or a jockstrap, take a picture of just the underwear. (From there, it’ll be a smooth transition to you sending pics with you wearing it.)
Let's talk a little more about sex toys:
If you and your partner have sexted back and forth for a while, and your partner has responded positively to each message, then it's a good time to up the ante by sending some naughty pics. (Sometimes, there's nowhere left to go with words alone!) But before you go ahead and send a pic, ask for permission. I'd text something like, "Can I show you something naughty?" Then, if I got the go-ahead, I'd send the pic.
Don’t start with a graphic, full-frontal dick pic. Perhaps take a photo in the mirror while you're only wearing your underwear—or whatever you're comfortable with! The point is to get your partner excited with anticipation, and you can do that at any stage of undress.
Just like the previous step, you have to ask first. Get creative in the way you ask, otherwise, it's not sexy. "Wanna see my dick?" isn't cute. But do you know what is? "These undies are getting awfully tight. I think I may have to talk them off. Wanna see?"
You may have noticed I said "nudes" and not "dick pics." Typically, a full-body nude is far more appealing than a zoomed-in, pic of your disembodied, veiny stump. (If you know your partner is into isolated dick pics, then go ahead and send them a pic of your junk.)
When done correctly, sexting isn't just "hot" in and of itself—it builds anticipation. When you two finally get to meet in person, you'll be all over one another—and the sex will be that much better.
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, and culture. He was formerly the digital associate editor at OUT Magazine and currently has a queer cannabis column, Puff Puff YASS , at Civilized .
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