I Saw My Sister Naked

I Saw My Sister Naked
Should I be worried that my daughter's game of "truth or dare" included sexually aggressive behaviors?

My daughter, age 11, and another boy, age 12, were on the school bus playing "truth or dare". They dared each other to pull their pants down and they did; but then the boy dared my daughter to perform oral sex. Well, she put her mouth over his penis, and he put his hands on her head and made her stay there. Is this a problem or normal behavior?
The behaviors you described are very concerning. It seems that your daughter started out playing this game, possibly knowing that it was forbidden territory, but then quickly found herself way out of her depth. It must have been very scary for her to feel trapped by the other child’s physical force. She will benefit from your acknowledgment of how frightening the experience must have been for her, as well as your support and comfort. She will also benefit from guidance from you regarding peer pressure and healthy sexuality. Prioritizing your daughter’s need for information regarding appropriate sexual behaviors and personal boundaries will provide you with some next steps. Some articles that may help you prepare what to say to your daughter are Stop It Now!'s Understanding Sexual Behaviors in Kids and Talking to Children and Teens ; and Talking About Sex and Sexuality: A Resource for Parents (link is external) from Planned Parenthood (link is external) . Gathering additional information about the situation may be very helpful. Some further questions you may want to ask include:
You may also want to find out more about the type of supervision provided on your daughter’s school bus.
Consider having your daughter see a counselor as well. This can provide her the opportunity to share more about what happened and how she is impacted by this event. She may also be facing difficulties at school seeing the boy there or even with potential witnesses on the bus. Additional supports for her may be very helpful and this may provide a support to you as the parent in helping to understand what your daughter needs in terms of information and guidance regarding healthy and safe behaviors.Additionally if you pursue counseling for your daughter, this therapist may feel that this is a reportable incident and you can work with the therapist through this process. To find counseling resources for youth, you can check with your insurance provider, primary care physician or your daughter's school counselor may have some resources.
Talking with this boy’s parents should be strongly considered. He is potentially putting himself and other children at risk for harm with his behaviors and when parents can speak up to other parents about children’s concerning behaviors, then steps can be identified and acted upon to better protect the children.The supervision on the bus needs to be addressed and this can present an opportunity to review your school’s policy on how they handle child on child sexual behaviors. I do not necessarily recommend at this time that your school respond with a full-fledged investigation that could potentially become very public and possibly damaging to your daughter’s sense of safety and well-being.Do you have information on how your school responds to these types of situations? Are you comfortable partnering with your school to help design a response to this situation that does not further traumatize your daughter, or put her or the other boy at risk for unwanted (and unproductive) exposure? I would review these questions with another trusted adult as you determine your action steps with your school.
However, should your own exploration determine that there are ongoing behaviors that are sexual and unhealthy in that they are aggressive, unwanted and are not age-appropriate, you may want to make a formal report to the police and your school. The possible impact on your daughter of bringing this into the open at school so that other children are made aware of what happened does need to be considered.
If you do decide to follow up with your daughter’s school, include a conversation with the school principal to find out what steps the school can take to minimize the risk that such an incident could happen again, and what steps the school will take to see that supervision is improved on the bus. If you are not satisfied with the answers you are getting, you have the option of meeting with the Superintendent of Schools in your district. Our prevention tipsheet, Nine Questions Parents Need To Ask When Selecting A Program For Their Child can help you formulate your questions and think about how your school’s environment can be as safe as possible.
This is a complex situation because it contains typical behaviors, as well as concerning behaviors that involve sexual activity and physical force. However you respond, your daughter will benefit from you taking her concerns seriously and in follow up activities to help protect her from further inappropriate and potentially dangerous situations.
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Heidi Rice
Post Independent
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
“I am SO sick of winter!’ Husband-Head fumed the other morning as he looked out the window as the snow was falling yet again. “I want to go somewhere warm … some place where there’s no snow … somewhere where there’s leaves on the trees …”
“You mean like where they grow bananas or coconuts?” I suggested, trying to join him in the mood.
While the Colorado winter wonderland scene is great during the holiday season at Thanksgiving and especially at Christmas, it gets a little trying by the time January and February roll around.
And watching the “House Hunters International” program on TV during the evening doesn’t help.
“LOOK!” I pointed out with excitement to Husband-Head. “There’s a house in Bali for less than $300,000!”
Not only was it affordable, it looked right out onto the white sand, turquoise-colored beach with a home that included indoor and outdoor floor plans and, basically, looked like a five-star resort hotel. “OK, so what are we doing wrong?” I sighed, taking the words right out of Husband-Head’s mouth. “Why are people living like that and we’re scooping up poop in the snow?”
Not that we don’t love living in Colorado. It’s just that, for many of us, there seems to come a time in mid-winter when you get really, really sick of the white stuff and just want to bask in some warm weather.
College students around the country have made it a tradition to go to warm weather vacation places each year on their annual “spring break,” which is typically celebrated in March.
The top spots are typically South Padre Island in Texas (with the slogan “Let’s PADRE!”); followed by Cancun, Mexico, along with Puerto Vallarta and Mazatlan; and followed by Panama City, Florida, the Bahamas and Europe.
“Isn’t Amsterdam supposed to be really cool?” Husband-Head asked curiously. “Aren’t pot and hookers legal in that country?”
Yes, and holding a pillow over the face of one’s spouse for an extended period of time is also not frowned upon. …
OK, so college spring break is way out of our league for most of us in our 40s, but it doesn’t mean we don’t need some kind of break as well.
“Why don’t we do our own little spring break vacation?” I suggested enthusiastically to Husband-Head. “We could all get together for a fun family gathering! We could meet up with my mom, her boyfriend and my sister and her boyfriend!”
Husband-Head looked at me as if he’d rather chew off his own arm.
My family happens to live in South Carolina, where they eat food with such appetizing names such as “grits” – not to be confused with “dirt.”
But in the quest to find a fun, family vacation spot this spring, I called my sister to see where she thought would be the best place for all of us to go as a family.
“We definitely don’t want to go to South Padre Island in Texas or Cancun or the resorts in Mexico,” I warned. “Those places are overrun with college students on spring break. God forbid we should have to look at tanned, hard six-packed abs or boobs that stand up on their very own. How disgusting!”
Husband-Head’s eyes lit up for a moment there. …
As we thought about it, my sister came up with an idea and sent over an idea. “Nude vacations in the Carribbean!” the website promised. “With a clothing optional private sailing charter yacht!”
The idea of sailing nude with my relatives did not sit well with me.
“After all the stresses of modern day life and the every day madness, it’s time for all smooth sailing,” the brochure promised. “Relax, get naked and unwind. We will cater to you and help to make this nude vacation unforgettable.”
There is absolutely no mention of sunblock and when or where it should be applied. …
“Don’t you think it would be a hoot?” my sister asked with a laugh. “Can’t you just see all of us lying around on a bunch of lounge chairs on a boat, totally naked?”
For me, the visual was not a good one.
“No,” I said firmly. “I do not want to see our mother, her boyfriend or you and your boyfriend naked. In fact, I don’t even want to see my own self naked.”
In the end, we decided that maybe a spring break vacation with the family wasn’t the best idea.
It just doesn’t get any better than being naked while sipping tropical boat drinks.
“You put the lime in the coconut, you drink ’em both up …”
Heidi Rice is a reporter for the Post Independent. Her column appears every Friday. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com to see more columns or purchase her book collection of columns, “Skully Says Shut It!”
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Was my cousin's behavior inappropriate?

Adult asking about cousin's sexual behaviors as a child
When my family moved closer to my cousin's family, my cousin (we were both 3) started taking me into closets and enticed me to play "doctor." This happened every time I saw him, which was fairly often and continued for several years. He would show me sexual material and teach me different sexual words and actions. He was always the one in control, touching me and asking me to touch him in specific ways. I've never talked about it because I feel like both of us were at fault and we were so young, but my sexuality is really messed up and so my therapist and I have been digging into what factors could have created this. I told one person (it's so shameful, I don't tell anyone) and that person blew it off "you were just kids playing." But the more I think about it and research it, I don't think it was so normal. I wasn't sexually curious (I didn't even understand anything sexual) when I wasn't with him and I never even thought about about doing this with another person. I am wondering if I am very guarded and uncomfortable when it came to my sexuality because my first sexual experiences had to be hidden (according to my cousin) and so I learned these acts were innately shameful and "bad." How can this happen when we were so young and the same age? That's what makes me write it off as purile and harmless. Besides, he was my cousin and I trusted him, so he never had to use force. Does that make it consensual?
I’m sorry to hear that you experienced this, and I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you to have revealed this to someone else previously and have them just brush it off. That was very brave of you to talk about your experience, and I’m glad that you have the support of a counselor right now. You should know that you can heal and get answers; I’m glad you’ve reached out to us.
Understanding Children's Sexual Behaviors Understanding children’s behaviors is often difficult, and it may help to know that many other people reach out to us with similar questions. Typically, Age-Appropriate Sexual Behaviors occur between two children who are close in age and regular playmates and is mutual and very child-like. There is no knowledge of more mature sexual behavior, no use of force, threats, or coercion, and may even be done out in the open.
What you’re describing was both inappropriate and concerning. Although playing doctor can be developmentally expected at 3 years-old, what raises some red flags is your cousin’s use of coercion, showing you mature material, and that you say “he was always the one in control.” Although you both were the same age, this play doesn’t sound mutual and child-like. Also, this continued to happen for many years – and typically healthy sexual play is intermittent and spontaneous and doesn’t have that “obsessive” and ongoing element you describe.
Sometimes it can be helpful to debunk some myths associated with children’s sexual behaviors – including inappropriate, harmful, and even abusive ones – to help answer some of your other questions. First, it’s important to understand that children’s sexual behaviors are very different than those of adults. Similarly, the reasons why a child or teen may engage in inappropriate behavior can also be very different: sometimes a youth may act out harmful behaviors because they’ve been exposed to mature and adult-like sexual behaviors through pornography or because of their own sexual abuse, but there are yet many other factors in their life that can play a role (impulse control disorder, confusion about boundaries, misinformation, other trauma or stressor, disability, etc.). It sounds like your cousin may have been showing you mature material, so although I don’t want to point to a specific cause, this certainly could have influenced his behaviors. I’ve left some additional resources below on this very topic that you may be interested in.
I want to stress that this absolutely was not your fault, and you were not to blame. Children can never consent to any sexual activity, and though your cousin didn’t use force there were other elements that show that there was a difference in power, which made this play unable to be mutual.
You’re right that it’s likely since your cousin was very young himself he might not have understood his actions in the same way that you do now – from your adult perspective, and he might not have even intended to hurt you either. However, that doesn’t make the harm he caused any less real. Even if the intention wasn’t there and he didn’t understand what he was doing, that doesn’t make what happened okay, and it certainly doesn’t mean you are to blame. Children can and do engage in inappropriate and harmful behaviors with other kids, and you’re not alone in wondering all the complex ways this may have affected you.
Steps Towards Healing Again, I’m really glad to hear that you’re working with a counselor. This shame you describe, and the way that you feel like this has impacted your sexuality – these are both things that you can work on with your therapist. This may take time, but unraveling all of the intricate ways this has affected you can really help you start to reclaim your life and parts of yourself that you feel have been impacted by what happened in your childhood. I encourage you to continue to talk about this with your counselor, as you’re ready, as they can help you get any tools you need to recover.
Although you’re working with a therapist already, I’ve included some additional resources below just for survivors of abuse if you’re interested. I don’t want to label your experience – as it’s yours to define – but there are some online communities there that may be one more way for you to start to connect to other people who may have been through similar things. Again, please do what feels right for you.
Last edited on: November 13th, 2018
I really appreciate your response. I did not expect it to be that individualized and I know this organization is changing a lot of lives. Thank you for differentiating between “normal” and “abnormal” sexual activity in children, for the resources, for reminding me that it is not my fault even though I was little and didn’t say no, for encouraging me to define it myself and not putting me in a category, and for your encouragement. Thank you so much. Just being able to type that out was huge, so thank you for being there.
STOP IT NOW! IS A REGISTERED 501(C)(3) ORGANIZATION | EIN: 04-3150129
This organization is a gold-level GuideStar participant, demonstrating its commitment to transparency.
© 2022 STOP IT NOW!. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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