I Miss Sex
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I Miss Sex
DEAR DEIDRE I'm scared my hubby will discover I'm having a lesbian affair with my boss
BAD OBSESSION My husband has dozens of pics of my son's wife on his phone
DEIDRE'S STORIES Lucas is finally moving out of his parents' house & in with his girlfriend
DEAR DEIDRE My soulmate lied to me for 2 years - he is married & still living with his wife
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE been having sex with two men, who took it in turns to visit me every week before lockdown while my husband was at work and our two children were in bed.
I know I shouldn’t have been seeing one other man, let alone two.
My team and I are working safely from home but we are here to help you as always.
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
But now we are in lockdown again, I’m worried I can’t see either guy and I’m feeling so lonely.
I am 32 and a housewife. My husband is 37 and I would say we were happily married.
He isn’t working at the moment because of the covid crisis.
He had started working night-shifts because the pay is so much better but it meant we hardly saw each other.
My flings are only ever a little bit of fun. I never let myself get involved emotionally.
Before the pandemic, my sister-in-law used to babysit for me so that I could go out.
She stopped offering, though, after she became suspicious of a male friend of mine.
I did have a kiss and cuddle with him in his van but I didn’t let it go any further than that.
Then I joined an online dating site and quickly got talking to two men.
One was an electrician in his forties and the other was a joiner in his early twenties. They were both keen to meet.
I used to see the electrician in my garage at home every Wednesday, while the younger one would get it on with me in the lounge on Friday nights.
I’d push the sofa up against the door so the kids couldn’t surprise us if they woke up.
Do you and your partner have varying needs?
Email deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk for the Different Sex Drives Support pack.
And read my advice on Facebook, Twitter or at the-sun.co.uk/deidre
Now I’m missing my flings so much — and when I have sex with my husband, it is so dull and predictable.
Please help. I would like to get things back on track with my marriage.
DEIDRE SAYS: You are playing a risky game with your marriage and family life.
You say your flings are just a bit of fun but your husband, children and extended family won’t see it that way.
There are plenty of better ways to fill your time and make worth-while connections with people that don’t involve such destructive behaviour.
Your husband no doubt opted to work nights in order to bring in as much money as possible. I expect he would prefer to work during the day.
Use this lockdown to focus on your family. You will all need to pull together to get through the tough weeks ahead.
Talk to your husband about how lonely you are and let him know you have been missing him.
Would you both consider taking a cut in his pay so you can have more time together as a couple and family?
I’m sending you my support packs How To Look After Your Relationship and 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex, which will help you and your husband freshen up your sex life.
GOT a story? RING The Sun on 0207 782 4104 or WHATSAPP on 07423720250 or EMAIL exclusive@the-sun.co.uk
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I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. During the first two or three months, sex was amazing but ever since we have had problems, as my b...
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I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. During the first two or three months, sex was amazing but ever since we have had problems, as my boyfriend avoids having sex, saying he does not enjoy it and actually dislikes it.
In the meantime I have discovered that there are porn and sexy chat sites on his computer – and I feel betrayed as this seems like cheating on me. Also why would he lie to me about hating sex when he obviously likes to at least look at it?
Is this proof of his fear of intimacy and sex together (the emotional part of our relationship is still great)?
I do not have an openly sexy appearance, would changing this help? Did he get bored with me in bed? We cannot discuss it as he gets very embarrassed and nervous and even gets stomach ache to avoid both the discussions and the action.
We have not made love in more than four months now and I am desperate, I keep looking for solutions or ideas to help him and us. I really love him and am 99 per cent sure he loves me too, and I would not leave him, but I do miss the physical part of the relationship.
I'm afraid that these days (2007) we receive many queries from women whose partners have virtually 'given up' on regular sex – and who prefer to use Internet sex instead. In the 21st century, this has become a widespread male phenomenon.
There are various possible reasons why a man might behave like this.
You can't find out what your partner's problem is unless he decides he can discuss it - and preferably go to counselling with you.
If he won't agree, then you should think seriously about the long-term future of your relationship.
Personally, I think you should get yourself some counselling if he won't agree to come to counselling with you.
You must be at your wits' end with this situation and I feel you need to talk to an expert so that you can get your head round it, and also so that you can decide what to do long term.
The obvious place to go for this kind of help is Relate . They have all sorts of counselling available including face to face, telephone, email and online. One of these should suit you and I think it will help you if you get some of your pent up feelings about this off your chest.
Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert
9 reasons your stomach hurts after sex
How Much Do You Miss Sex With Your Ex?
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By divorced women online — Written on Feb 07, 2011
I’m haunted by my Ex Katherine. Not by what went wrong with our relationship, but what went right with our relationship – our love life.
After being laid naked , fetal-positioned, paralyzed, and wanting by our breakup, I want to attempt a sequel with my Ex. I am willing to work harder on our vertical life together for the sake of getting back to our spectacular horizontal life together. How much harder? I am willing to change. Condoms: Healthy Sexual Behavior in Women Over 40
But am I being naïve? Or, is a fulfilling love life worth fighting extra hard for? Should I be happy with what I had, count my blessings and move on? Katherine and I were two completely different people with two completely different sets of values. Katherine was whimsical, perky and light-hearted defined by a Martha Stuart palette of powder blues, pinks and floral arrangements.
Until Katherine came along, I didn’t know what the word whimsical meant. The word came up when she tried to tell me what kind of stuff she liked in her home. I actually had to ask her to explain the word whimsical to me.
Once I understood it’s meaning, I knew that I was the Anti-Christ of whimsical. I gravitate towards mute colors and images that were popular in the Middle Ages –gentle brown tones of mud mixed in with a dollop of existential or “*Eeyorian” angst. (*Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh)
I am more “whimsi-bleak” or “whimsi- the world is a *charnel house” kind of guy. (*Reference = Samual Beckett’s Waiting for Godot.) I suppose if I asked Katherine what a charnel house was, she would reply, “Oh goody, I’m in the mood for a barbeque.”
Her Hugh Grant, Sandra Bullock-type film choices represented somewhat of a counterpoint to my Stalingrad, The Wehrmacht in Russia, Sin City or Gladiator preferences. What is Your Relaitonship Style? Selfish or Self-Interested?
And finally, she loved her two cats the way I love my son, but my attitude towards pets (or people) is; if you can’t flush the toilet, get the hell out! And so, you would think that breaking up with this woman would be a simple matter. Once broken up, I wouldn’t have to worry about my testicles being slashed by her jealous cats and I could watch whatever movie I wanted in my brown living room.
But it hasn’t been a simple matter. In fact, it’s been living hell. Sometimes I lay on the floor, unable to focus on much. Well, I can do this; Face flattened on the floor, I try to differentiate between the carpet fibers and carpet mites.
Why so f***ed up? My Ex and I may not have been soul mates (whatever the hell that is) but we sure as hell were once-in-a-lifetime sex-mates. Together Katherine and I had a wonderful, unabashed, deeply connected love life that was framed by a natural and mutual caring and trust. Horizontally we were a match made in heaven and the relationship was effortless. Unfortunately, vertically, we were at odds and the relationship took work. We had a lot of fun together, a lot of laughs, and traveled well together, but our relationship, like many, could only succeed if you “checked in” a lot because we were very different kinds of people, defined by a different set of values. Sleeping With a Man After Divorce
But I didn’t check in a lot and we dissolved.
Here’s the conundrum. In any relationship, there is always something “qualitative” about the nature of your union. Consequently, there is always room for a sense of doubt. For example, “she does this well, but doesn’t do that well. He makes me happy this way, but not in that way”, etc. etc.
However, when you have a great love life together, that’s not qualitative, it’s absolute! And isn’t absoluteness exactly what we crave in our relationships ? Extreme pleasure is absolute and addictive and life seems too short to live without it. Try harder I say. Liars, Players and Snakes, Oh My!
So here’s the question-how far should we go to try to make a relationship work because you have a great sex life with your partner?
If you’re waiting for me to come up with an answer, forget it. I haven’t a clue right now. I’m still talking to carpet mites.
How much do I miss sex with the Ex? Let me put it this way; “Katherine darling, it’s done. I’ve piled up all my brown furniture in the backyard together with my testosterone/war-themed DVDs. Got a match?”
Yes, I’m willing to compromise and try to have another go at our relationship, because a day doesn’t pass when I don’t think of my Ex, the road trips, the laughs and of course, our love life.
“Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about.” I read that from a stranger’s page on Facebook that was devoted to the millions of us suffering from a broken heart.
There’s another reason why I’m thinking of making contact with my Ex again. These words drifted into my head after I made yet another half-hearted effort to spend time with someone else; “After he kissed someone new, he found himself unintentionally whispering his Ex’s name, out loud, as if he were accepting the moment as a penance for his sins, rather than the celebration of life it was supposed to be.”
Just because I lie on the carpeted floor, talk to mites and hear voices in my head doesn’t mean I’m haunted by my Ex does it?
Written by Peter Ehrlich for Divorced Women Online
More About Love, Dating and Divorce From Divorced Women Online
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Last week we published the story of "Joseph", a 60-year-old man who wrote about his regret at missing out on sexual experiences until the age of 37. Many readers wrote to say that his story struck a chord with them - echoing his point that society aggravates the problem by unfairly portraying lonely people as strange or inadequate.
Here is a selection of their emails.
Robert: I am 61 and still waiting and I am probably too late to start now. I have always been too worried about being laughed at and ridiculed. I finally realised I was unlikely to get anywhere when turned down by a prostitute when in my 30s.
I particularly hate comments like: "It's overrated, you aren't missing out on much"; "You can't miss what you've never had"; "Never had a woman! What are you gay?" If I thought it still possible I wouldn't know how to find or approach a woman. While I would still like to lose my virginity it is the physical affection I miss most.
Joy: Reading this story, I felt many emotions. I recognised myself, as it is the story of my life in many ways. Only, I am female and 35. I have never even kissed a guy, never been on a date. What I would like to say is that people like me are not as rare as one might think. Popular culture will have you believe that everyone has a love life, and that is simply not true. Another thing to note is that no-one goes around telling people, "Hey I'm in my 30s and still wonder what kissing feels like." On the other hand, people who do have a boyfriend/girlfriend, or are actively dating, are usually quite vocal about it. This adds to the impression that everyone dates. A part of the story I can strongly identify with is the strong sense of shame. I used to live in constant fear that people would find out that I have no dating experience. I felt I was living with a deep, dark secret. But as I got older I stopped caring about what people think.
Alex: I lost my "virginity" - (a woman loses her virginity, I suggest - a man just has penetrative sex for the first time, but that's another story) with a prostitute at the age of 47. I can relate to Joseph's account of first-time sex - far from being fumbling and unsatisfactory it was actually really good.
I have suffered, and am suffering, all my life from debilitating love shyness, which has completely ruined any chances I may have had of having a satisfying and intimate family life and fathering any children. I've no doubt that love shyness is a real condition and is not simply a part of social anxiety disorder. I can be quite brave in many social situations but if there is someone I fancy I am completely clueless as to what to do to take it to the next level. It is as if some power has hijacked your brain and your desires and just wants you to stay where you are - single and lonely.
I am pleased for Joseph that he overcame his shyness and at least enjoyed a relationship for part of his life. Many do not achieve this.
I remained a virgin until my late 30s. I have no idea how unusual that is but I experienced a sense of shame, and I felt stigmatised. I was a terribly shy and anxious person, but not isolated. I always had friends but I was never able to translate that into intimate relationships. At school and sixth form I was surrounded by girls and women, but I never made the kind of move that is probably quite a normal one to make. By the time I reached university, my pattern was set...
The responses to his story have helped Joseph to make a change in his personal life. He has decided, after three years on his own since losing his wife, that he is ready to have a girlfriend, and has joined a few dating sites.
Ian: I am a 35-year-old white male. I lost my virginity at the age of 31, almost 32. It was something that I rarely talked about and still rarely talk about. Occasionally a female friend would flirt with me, but I would become so flustered that I would try and keep as much distance between myself and them, for fear of someone else discovering my shame. There was an instance when a friend of mine kept attempting to put a move on me and in order to keep that separation I, knowing that she was allergic to peanuts, began carrying around Snickers bars and making a great show of snacking on them. I began self-identifying as an asexual.
The woman who chose to engage with me, I didn't tell about my sexual history, or lack thereof, until after we had sex a few times. It was such an odd conversation. I still feel alone in that experience, of feeling unable, unattractive, unloved, unwanted, and not knowing what I bring to any relationship.
K: Reading this story really hit me hard. I am a 32-year-old woman, and I am still a virgin. So much of this man's story sounds so similar to my own. But then, most the time, I feel just fine with my single life. I mostly think I would like to have had sex just to be "normal". To get it over and done with. So it's not such a Big Deal any more; because the longer I wait, the more of a Big Deal it becomes. I honestly don't know if I will ever lose my virginity. Which, I have to admit, is pretty depressing if I stop to think about it... which is why I usually try not to.
Unhappy Soul: I wish I'd lost my virginity at 37. I'm 54 and still waiting for something I know will never come. About 10 years ago I remember sitting with a group of friends over a drink and the subject came up of losing your virginity and I
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