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I’m still a virgin because I can’t maintain an erection
‘I’m finally taking steps to address my porn addiction.’ (Posed by model) Photograph: Alamy
Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning
© 2022 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. (modern)
I’m a 24-year-old man who is addicted to porn, and I feel like a total failure. How do I stop hating myself?
I am a 24-year-old man, and a virgin. There have been plenty of opportunities to have sex, but every time I get into bed with a woman I can’t get or maintain an erection. My fear of not being able to perform has led to me avoiding sex altogether. I think this might be because of my porn addiction, which I’m finally taking steps to address. I feel like a total failure, especially around my friends, who are far more sexually experienced than I am. How do I stop hating myself?
Change your focus. Right now you are being driven by a desire to lose your virginity, but such pressure – coupled with self-loathing – often leads to erectile dysfunction. Instead of viewing women as a means to an end, approach them with the intention of simply dating – getting to know them and having fun.
If you find someone you really like, allow things to develop really slowly. First, start sharing non-genital erotic touches, words, looks and games. These will occur naturally once you lower the expectations you have placed on yourself and stop trying to emulate “professionals”. Move to a higher level of intimacy only when your body and mind strongly guide you.
Sex is a learned experience, so yes, you will have to accept that it takes time, and that every lover will be different. Talk to your partner, ask for feedback, listen and learn. Gear your fantasy life to feature real-life women, although a little “bridging” porn fantasy is allowable during real-life encounters. I won’t tell if you don’t.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
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9 things that happen to a girl's body after losing virginity TNN | Last updated on -Apr 5, 2022, 13:49 IST Share
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Losing virginity is a huge issue, especially in a country like ours. After your first sexual intercourse, you may have plenty of concerns about your body. Other than the hymen, which does not end up ‘breaking’ in most cases, there are many other changes that a woman’s body goes through post their first sexual experience. Here are some of them:
VAGINAL CHANGES: The elasticity of your vagina changes after you start having sex. Since the vagina is still getting used to this new activity you have introduced to your body, it takes some time for the vagina to become used to penetration. However, this gets better with time. Even how your vagina lubricates itself will change over a period of time.
CLITORIS AND UTERUS KNOW WHEN TO CONTRACT AND EXPAND: When in an arousal position, your clitoris will swell up and the uterus will rise a bit. After some time, your body will become used to sex and every time you arouse, your otherwise inactive clitoris and uterus will go through these transformations and return to normal post the act.
BREASTS BECOME FIRMER: During and after sex, the tissues in your breast swell up and the blood vessels dilate leading to firmer breasts. But, this goes back to normal post sex and is only a temporal state.
Vasocongestion is actually is the swelling of bodily tissues which is caused by increased vascular blood flow which leads to breast, nipples, labia and clitoris becoming enlarged. During this sexual arousal, well-oxygenated blood is supplied to your genitals and breasts. As a result, the outer lips, inner lips and clitoris may begin to swell and your heart rate and blood pressure may also increase momentarily.
Yes, you read that right. This is actually one of the hidden yet truly amazing benefits of losing your virginity. When you have sex for the very first time, it may have a direct impact on the glow on your face-- especially if the act finished with an orgasm. The logic is simple, when you have sex, it improves your blood circulation, which helps in pumping oxygen to your skin, giving it that heavenly, youthful glow. Also, when you have sex, your brain releases happy hormones like Serotonin and Oxycontin, which help in cutting down the stress levels and make you feel relaxed. The result? You get clearer-looking skin with a lit-from-within glow.
NIPPLES BECOME MORE SENSITIVE IN GENERAL: Once you start indulging in sex, your body goes through a variety of new experiences. The blood circulation around your nipples increases and the muscular tension increases making them tender than usual.
HAPPY HORMONES: Happy hormones are the reason for that glowing skin. As a result, the feel-good hormone of your body, serotonin, gets secreted. Other than this, when you orgasm, it releases another hormone known as oxytocin, which makes you feel happy and relaxed.
DELAY IN PERIODS: Since your hormones get active, there are chances your period may get delayed. Fret not, this is not a pregnancy alarm but rather your body's way of telling you that its going through changes.
EMOTIONAL ISSUES: Post losing your virginity, you may have emotional outbursts, both happy and sad. This is due to the hormonal changes and can make you feel extremes of either of the emotions.
Remember, everyone's first time is a different experience, but it is important to use protection to prevent pregnancy and STDs. When you have sex for the first time, it may hurt or feel uncomfortable, due to the lack of lubrication, owing to the friction. If sex continues to be painful for you, you can either try different angles or positions to reduce the discomfort and ask your partner to go slow when it comes to penetration. Always seek an expert advice if sex continues to remain painful.
Losing one's virginity holds great significance for some. But it is important that you do not lose your rationality in that excitement. Make sure you practice safe sex by using a condom, dental dams, and/or latex or nitrile gloves.
Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) may lead to poor quality of life, making you more prone to reproductive problems in the future.
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