I M Asshole

I M Asshole

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Dennis Leary
Miscellaneous
I'm An Asshole
Folks
I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream
About me,
About you,
About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottoms of our chests,
About that special feelting we get in the cockles of our hearts
Or maybe below the cockles,
Maybe in the sub cockle area,
Maybe in the liver,
Maybe in the kidneys,
Maybe even in the colon,
We don't know

I'm just a regular joe,
With a regular job.
I'm your average white,
Suburbanite slob.
I like football, and porno, and books about war.
I've got an average house,
With a nice hardwood floor.
My wife, and my job, my kids, and my car,
My feet on the table,
With a Cuban cigar.
But sometimes that just ain't enough,
To keep a man like me interested,
Oh no, no way, uh uhh.
No I gotta go out and have fun,
At someone elses expense,
Oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah,

I drive really slow,
In the ultra fast lane,
while people, behind me, are going insane.

I'm an asshole
(he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(he's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets,
And I piss on the seats,
I walk around in the summer time,
Sayin' "How about this heat?"

I'm an asshole
(he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(he's the worlds biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicaped spaces,
While handicaped People, make handicaped faces,

I'm an asshole
(he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(he's a big fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldnt be singing this song,
Ranting and raving and carring on,
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong.
NAAAHHHHH

I'm an asshole
(he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(he's the worlds biggest asshole)

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadaliac Eldarado Convertable,
Hot Pink!
With whale skin hub caps,
An all leather cow interior,
And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights.
YEAH!
And I'm gonna drive around in that baby,
At 115 miles per hour,
Getting one mile per gallon,
Sucking down quarter pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old-fasioned non-biodegradable styrafoam containers.
And when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers,
I'm gonna wipe my mouth in the American flag,
And then I'm gonna toss the styrafoam containers right out the side,
And there ain't a God damn thing anybody can do about it,
You know why?
'Cause we got the bombs, that's why.
Two words, Nuclear Fucking Weapons OK.
Russia, Germany, Romania,
They can have all the democracy they want.
They can have a big democracy cake,
Walk right through the middle of Tienemen Square,
And it won't make a lick of difference,
Because we got the bombs OK!
John Wayne's not dead,
He's frozen.
And as soon as we find a cure for cancer, we're gonna thaw out the duke.
And he's gonna be pretty pissed off,
You know why?
Have you ever taken a cold shower?
Well multiply that by 15 million times,
That's how pissed off the duke's gonna be.
I'm gonna get the duke,
And John Desimeties,
And Lee Marvinhaugh
And Sam Beckinforth,
And a case of whiskey,
And drive down to Texas,
And,
(hey, Hey, You know you really are an asshole)
Why don't you shut up and sing the song pal,
You know the whole time I thought I was that asshole,
And it turns out it was him,
What an Asshole

I'm an asshole
(he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(he's the worlds biggest asshole)

A, SS, HO, LE
Everybody,
A, SS, HO, LE

I'm an asshole, and I'm Proud of it!
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AITA Monthly Open Forum September 2022
Let's talk assholes - with you! Coming Monday September 12th 8PM EST
AITA for telling my sister that she overreacted when screamed at me for entering hers and her husband's room?
AITA for putting my wife's ex husband on speaker and letting her hear about what he's done?
AITA For making my husband find his own way to get himself to a medical procedure
AITA for not letting my husband see our son even though he hasn’t seen him in person for a month?
AITA for refusing to help with the care of my disabled stepsister?
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So, I (f23) am a full time college student. Right now I'm living with my sister "Claire" and her husband "Thomas" while I get through my current semster.
I don't work so I don't have everything I need for my daily skin/hair routine so I borrow stuff from Claire. Claire didn't have an issue in the beginning but then started complaining about me randomly walking into her room but I go in there looking for the stuff I asked for. She gave me a hard time just because I walked in on Thomas half naked to get the eye shadow I borrowed from her. and then that other time when I walked in late at night. She told me I nedded to get her permission to enter the room before I take anything but I figured this would make things complicated. It's enough that I have to ask to borrow an item.
So, last night at around 10pm I went upstairs and into her bedroom to grab the hair dryer. I walked it and woops, I saw them in an intimate position together in bed. I had NO IDEA they're were doing it, especially since Claire told me that Thomas has been feeling sick the past 2 days. She lashed out at me yelling that I get out. I quickly grabbed the hair dryer then walked out and shut the door.
minutes later, She came downstairs in her robe and went off on me saying she was done with me repeatedly disrespecting and violating hers and her husband's privacy. I told her it was cool, no big deal. and that I needed the dryer but didn't have time to ask for permissin. She got even louder saying I had no business barging into her marital space and embarrassing her and her husband like this. I told her that I was sorry but she really overreacted to this whole thing. This made her more pissed she went on about how I'm living here rent free and yet not being respectable enough. I stopped arguing and went to my room.
This morning, Thomas left the house early amd Claire ignored me on breakfast. Still upset saying I don't get to say wether she overreacted or not and that my behavior was inappropriate. She even wants me to apologize to her husband for making last night "awkward".
I (M35) married my wife (F36) a year ago. She's divorced from.her ex husband "Joseph" (M39) and they share custody of their daughter "Mia" (F15).
Joseph has alwats been a shit stirrer. He tends to starts arguments and setting everyone up to argue with each other. wether it be me, my wife, her family etc. somehow framing me as the cause for all the terrible things happening.
So. My wife has been trying to find a job and finally git an opportunity to work at a decent company not too far from where we lived. She had an interview and was waiting for a response when the company called and told her that HER HUSBAND contacted them and told them that she had xyz issues which resulted in her getting disqualified for the position. She came and yelled at me accusing me if sabotaging her career and trying to control her while ruining her reputation. I swore that I had nothing to do with it but she said the company said that her husband contacted them. they refused to reveal his contact info. I figured it was Joseph especially when he hinted about it. he'd usually call to brag after causing an issue and making me the bad guy. I didn't wait for his call I called him myself, put him on speaker and had my wife listen. I lured him into confessing/ and bragging about impersonating me and ruining the opportunity for my wife. My wife was furious she left and there was a huge argument at his house.
He called me yelling saying that I "set him up" and that my wife won't get off his back about it now and moreover, his daughter Mia is now not speaking to him. He said I should've minded my own business since this wasn't about me but I said that he was the one who tried to set me up.
Anyways, He's pissed and is still making a fuss about me "invading his privacy" and keeps giving me shit about it.
My husband (37M) has a vasectomy scheduled for next Friday. He went in for a consultation about 2 months ago and this was the earliest they could schedule the actual procedure on a Friday. He did not talk to me about scheduling this or whether or not it conflicted with anything already on our schedule. He said he just picked the first available appointment on a Friday because he wants the weekend to recover without having to take extra days off work.
Well, turns out that it does conflict with my schedule. I have a huge workshop for my job next Friday. It's an all-day event and my boss 100% expects me to be there. My husband was under the assumption that I would take off work to bring him to the procedure and take him home, but I've had to explain to him that I can't miss this workshop and he's going to have to find his own way there.
The doctor told him that they recommend having someone else drive you because some people pass out from the procedure. So I suggested that he take an Uber there and back, since the office is only 5-miles or so from our house. But he said, and I quote, "The last thing I want to do after having my sack cut open is to get in a car with a complete stranger, no matter how close to home it is."
He said the doctor told him the whole procedure will only take 10-15 minutes and that I could at least ask if I can get out of the workshop for an hour or so to take him there and back. But with where the workshop is being held, I would be gone for at least 2 hours. And my husband's appointment is at 2:30pm so I would miss pretty much the entire afternoon session. I don't want to do that. I think that my husband is being unreasonable and he is fully capable of either driving himself or taking an Uber.
He asked me about it again last night and I told him to stop asking because I am not going to do it and he's going to need to figure it out on his own. I told him it's his fault he scheduled this without talking to me first and that if he wants me to drive him there he's going to need to reschedule. He said he has already waited 2 months and he just wants this done.
We don't have any family nearby to drive him either. And he said he doesn't feel comfortable asking a friend to take him there either because it's such a personal procedure. I told him he's just going to have to suck it up and figure it out on his own because he created this situation by not talking to me about it first.
He's barely talking to me now and he said he feels like I'm putting my job above him and our relationship. I told him that ridiculous because it's not like this is life or death. He'll be in and out in 20 minutes and then spend the whole weekend sitting on a couch watching football and playing video games while I do everything around the house, he'll be fine. But he still thinks I'm being an AH because I won't take off work to drive him there and back.
My husband went on what was supposed to be a week-long business trip but ended up turning into him being away for a month. He got home at 2am while I was feeding our daughter. He put her to sleep but then he wanted to go into our son’s room to see him. I told him not to because in the month he was away our son has turned into a ridiculously light sleeper.
He kept insisting he would be quiet but even opening his door is normally enough to wake him up. We ended up arguing because I wouldn’t let him go even though he promised he would put him back to bed if he did wake up.
My dad got married to Bea when I was 15. Bea was a single mom at the time to Kayley 5 and Jace 2. Kayley was born with severe disabilities. She is in a wheelchair, cannot talk, cannot feed herself, has tubes and is regularly hospitalized for various different issues that arise. She is also extremely medically fragile. Kayley is 9 now and has gotten a little worse since I first met her. My dad and Bea are also starting to think more about what happens when they are gone or if they fall ill and are no longer able to care for Kayley. Bea told me she doesn't want to burden Jace with her care when he's an adult, that he's the younger sibling and has never known life without sacrifice for her, and she was hoping that I would take that burden off them and that I would agree to become Kayley's guardian and take care of her or find her an amazing place to live in when the time comes. I told them I would not do that. My dad argued that I should be willing to try at least, out of love for my family. They told me it would be such a huge burden off their shoulders. This did not change my answer. Bea ended up walking away from the discussion in anger. Dad and I then had it out. He told me that I needed to step up and be the big sister. I told him I wasn't anybody's big sister. That I didn't have love for his wife or her kids and was not going to sacrifice my life for his choices. He asked me what it meant and I told him I knew he had attempted to take money that my grandparents saved from me to pay for Kayley's medical expenses. I told him I was very aware that he even threatened to stop my grandparents from seeing me because they protected the money.
He accused me of being just like my mom, who left me at the hospital when I was born and was never in my life. He told me I don't care about anyone and I'm selfish. I told him then clearly he doesn't want a selfish person who cares about no one to take care of Kayley. He said it's not true. He asked how I could even think about putting all that on poor Jace's shoulders. I told him it should be them working their asses off to make sure there is money and a plan in place and not to dump it on others. He told me it's not that straightforward. I asked him why he felt I should be more capable to make it work than him and his wife.
I got a text after all that asking if I had changed my mind. I said no. Bea told me I was a heartless c*** and she would make sure dad didn't do a damn thing for me anymore. I replied back that he already attempted to steal from me for her daughter so she shouldn't have to work too hard for that.
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Double sided, weather resistant, includes mounting stakes, shipped from India in just a couple days like half the price I saw it anywhere else for, satisfied purchase!

5.0 out of 5 stars

Love it!

By Greg NC on June 16, 2021

These are only printed on one side, so if you want something that can be seen by people coming or going, it will work only if you place it facing the roadway itself. I bought this mostly for my own amusement. Apparently someone else found it amusing, too, as it was stolen about a week after I put it out. Oh well... it was fun while it lasted.

My neighbors aren’t a fan, but I don’t care because as the sign says I’m an *sshole. My answer to them is the simplest of simples. I’m the last house on a dead end street. You do not NEED to go by my house. No one is forcing you to pass my house. So if you don’t like it, don’t go by my house.

5.0 out of 5 stars

My neighbors hate me

By Sandra E. on July 15, 2019

Sign is perfect, except it’s only printed on one side and it says yard stake included and mine didn’t come with one! Other than that, perfect!

It’s funny but does not come with a stick or anything to put it out in the yar
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