I Just Have To Porn

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I've wrestled with two addictions in my life: caffeine and pornography.
Actually, I wasn’t technically addicted to caffeine, I was physically dependent.
I say this because one of the definitions of addiction is undertaking repetitive actions despite negative consequences. I had no idea how much damage caffeine was doing to me until I quit soda cold turkey after my dentist explained what it was doing to my teeth.
I know caffeine addiction is a joke in our society, but the stuff is a drug . It took me three weeks to recover. Three physically painful weeks. I swore off the stuff and I’ve never gone back.
All that to say I was not technically addicted, because when I found out about the negative consequences, I cut the stuff out of my life.
Porn, on the other hand, was a different matter.
It’s a habit I picked up in middle school like many other boys. By the time I realized that stuff was incredibly unhealthy , it was a “normal” part of my life. Unlike caffeine, I wasn’t able to kick that habit even though it definitely had negative effects.
It was after I decided to become a Christian in my senior year of High School when I realized I should get rid of pornography in my life. Not because Jesus gets angry if I look at porn. That’s a ridiculous image of Jesus. Like, some kind of angry, jerk boss — when Jesus is basically the opposite of that. He cares deeply for me and wants what's best for me — that's why he's given me rules.
In that sense, I knew I needed to quit because not only was I warping the sexual expectations in life, I was helping to perpetuate an entire industry that treats people like commodities — which is loathed by any philosophical or moral system worth its salt.
But even though I wanted to stop, I found that I just couldn’t make myself do it. The internet made bad choices so effortless.
Here was the cycle I found myself in:
2 - Tell myself that I shouldn’t look at porn
4 - Feel like garbage that I looked at porn
5 - Want to find some comfort from feeling like garbage, you know, like maybe porn?
It was a perpetual cycle. The more I fought my addiction, the worse I felt after giving in to it. So I basically stopped fighting and just accepted that the addiction was part of who I am.
The more I fought my addiction, the worse I felt after failing again.
Brenè Brown wrote a book called " Daring Greatly" where she helped me understand this phenomenon.
Brown explains that there is a difference between guilt and shame.
Guilt says, “I didn’t live up to my expectations and I need to do better.” It’s actually not an inherently bad thing. I forgot my best friends’ birthday, and I’m never going to let that happen again.
Shame, on the other hand, says “I didn’t live up to my expectations, and that makes be a bad person.” See the difference? One is what I do, the other is who I am .
When I couldn’t get rid of my addiction, I started to believe it was who I was. I was a terrible person, and if I was a terrible person, I couldn’t expect to behave any differently. Every time I gave in to my addiction, it reinforced this idea and wrapped me tighter and tighter into my destructive behavior.
I wanted to quit, but I couldn’t. It was my destiny. I tried everything: crying, praying, making commitments, asking for help from friends… nothing worked. Because I was the failure — at least, in my own mind.
I didn’t have the benefit of Brown's writing back when I finally escaped from my addiction, but I kind of figured out this dynamic on my own.
One day, I decided that if I looked at porn, I wasn’t going to beat myself up about it. I would pick up and move on. I would trust this Christian message I had been told that God knows everything about me and loves me anyway.
The thing driving me to look at porn was the fear of looking at porn.
You would not believe how fast porn faded from my life after years of addiction when I changed my outlook. Instead of letting the old tapes play in my head of, “I’m a piece of crap who can’t stop looking at smut," I went with, “I screwed up today, but God still loves me, and I’m gonna try to let that change me tomorrow, but if I don’t, God will still love me tomorrow too.” And you know what? When I got rid of the part of the cycle where I beat myself up, the cycle broke down.
The thing driving me to look at porn was the fear of looking at porn. Crazy, right?
Now, maybe you have no issue with porn. We all have our own struggles. Maybe it’s drugs or alcohol or cutting or sex or anger or one of a million other things for you. But you know what I believe? I believe that God made you, I believe that God knows everything about you, and I believe in the midst of that, God chooses to love you; and nothing can change that fact.
So if you’re wrestling with an addiction, please do me a favor, and get rid of the part where that addiction defines who you are in your own mind.
So if you’re wrestling with an addiction, please do me a favor, and get rid of the part where that addiction defines who you are in your own mind. Instead of "a guy with a porn addiction," I let myself believe that I was "a guy who God loves." For me, it was the key to everything.
Listen, I also have good people around me who help keep me in healthy patterns, and I continuously take steps to separate myself from opportunities to make dumb choices. I waited years before getting a smartphone after they came out for this very reason.
But none of that would have mattered without the very center of the equation changing.
You’re not just an addict. You’re a human being with an addiction. Your value doesn’t come from what you do, it starts with who you are. And who you are loved by someone who was willing to do whatever it takes to save you from yourself.
For another story about overcoming an addiction to porn, watch Jason Castro's White Chair Film .
Thomas Christianson is a writer, speaker, pastor and professor living in the Baltimore area. He is a graduate of Christ for the Nations Institute in Dallas, TX and holds a Master's Degree in Practical Theology from Regent University in Virginia Beach, VA. He is currently pursuing a Doctorate through Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, CA.
Thank you for the article. It made a huge difference.
Thank you so much.
I am now experiencing what you experienced.
Thank you for sharing your testimony. I never struggled with porn, but just recently started looking for sites and just visited some in the last week. It started innocently thru videos that were not porn, but it was the catalyst to looking for more visuals and then more graphic videos. Still, it wasn’t porn, but it continued to progress. This has been a years journey and now this week, I started looking into porn sites and visited them. I feel so ashamed and scared. Though the last year was not porn I still felt ashamed and feared for exactly what I watched this. Your comment that fear of watching porn drove me to progress to watching. I am afraid of becoming addicted and want to stop now before it becomes a problem. However, I think it’s been a problem for a year. Again, I was not watching porn, but the shame of wanting more over the last year...well the picture is clear. No one is at fault except me and there must be self accountability. I am so ashamed that I just want to lock myself in a dark room. Thank you again for sharing your article...
For me its thr same... i started from pictures of only kisses and ot became worse i suggest u will block with an app those contents for a few weeks and just try to forget about it good luck :)
Im addicted and i keep trying but i gave up again today :( it sucks but im getting there i just gotta stop watching tiktoks for a few weeks and not open wattpad or any other porn websites ty for wrotind this it inspired me :)
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am myself just entering the phase you describe, of no longer putting myself down for being addicted. Many changes are happening as a result of tying to give my life to God, but many still to come.
I really appreciate your aords
Hi Al,
I am also struggling with this addiction. I hope you have found success in trying to conquer this. Have you found a good way to cope or overcome this struggle?
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By
Jess Joho on December 15, 2020

Upgrade your wank session with these porn and erotica alternatives.
Credit: bob al-greene / mashable

Ethical free porn is hotter than unethical free porn.
Credit: vicky leta / mashable

Your sex life deserves an investment into paid porn.
Credit: BOB-AL GREENE / mashable

Think outside the box for online porn.
Credit: bob al-greene / mashable

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Most of us are watching porn, whether or not we admit it. But aren't you tired of (or maybe even troubled by) just doing the same old thing to get off online over and over again?
If you're wondering why you've become so bored by the widely accessible mainstream porn that just seems to keep doing more of the same, Pornhub and its parent company MindGeek deserves part of the blame. As does Xvideos, the most-viewed porn site, which is owned by WGCZ. But don't worry, there are porn and erotica alternatives that can upgrade your self-love sessions.
For years now, MindGeek has been accused of monopolistic dominance in the porn industry. In addition to Pornhub, it owns RedTube, YouPorn, Xtube, Brazzers, Reality Kings, and many more. MindGeek disputes that characterization, with representative Michael Willis pointing to viewership data that shows its sites aren't alone among the most popular porn sites (it owns three in the top 10 and seven in the top 100). Still, MindGeek has a vast amount of power and influence over porn industry actors and producers. Its biggest competitor, WGCZ, keeps a low-profile and camouflages its network of brands (contact information for WGCZ wasn't immediately available).
"We don’t dispute that MindGeek properties drive considerable traffic, but to say it drives a disproportionate volume of traffic is not accurate," Willis said over email in March.
Take that as you will. Monopolies are, of course, bad for consumers, workers, and antithetical to healthy competition. Just look at the hullabaloo on Capitol Hill over Big Tech.
Free porn sites (aka "tube" sites) often rely on profiting off of widespread piracy , making it near impossible for performers to earn a living. MindGeek spends nearly $2 million to combat piracy, according to TechCrunch , "though that would amount to less than half a percent of the company’s 2015 revenue ." Blake White, Pornhub's vice president, added in an emailed statement that the site removes copies of videos that have been fingerprinted — a free service that acts as a digital watermark — and works to remove pirated content featuring its partners from other tube sites.
Accusations of monopoly and piracy aside, MindGeek, Pornhub, and Xvideos are, to varying degrees, linked to extremely troubling allegations.
Most recently, a New York Times story added more accusations of these websites hosting unethical videos linked to child pornography, revenge porn, rape, and other forms of abuse. The op-ed led Mastercard and Visa to stop processing payments on Pornhub, and the company also purged videos from unverified accounts . While a monumental, long-overdue step forward in addressing these longstanding issues, it's important to consider the implications for sex workers as well. The Times piece has also been criticized for promoting an anti-porn religious group that seeks to outlaw sex work, rather than advocating for the protection of such a vulnerable population.
In a statement provided to the Times , Pornhub responded to the allegations by stating that it, "is unequivocally committed to combating child sexual abuse material, and has instituted a comprehensive, industry-leading trust and safety policy to identify and eradicate illegal material from our community," and that assertions of Pornhub allowing child pornography on the site “is irresponsible and flagrantly untrue.”
Back in January 2020, a judge awarded $13 million to 22 women who accused porn producer Girls Do Porn — one of Pornhub's former official content partners used to sell users on purchasing a subscription — of tricking and coercing them into performing. Despite the lawsuit's allegations being filed back in 2016, Pornhub only took down Girls Do Porn's channel in October 2019 , waiting until after federal prosecutors charged Girls Do Porn owners and employees with sex trafficking. It led many to question whether Pornhub cared at all about the fact that it profited from abusive and criminal videos. As of this week, searching for Girls Do Porn on Xvideos turns up no results.
Separately, in 2018, adult performer Nikki Benz sued MindGeek for sexual battery. (Los Angeles prosecutors declined to press criminal charges. ) MindGeek's Willis wouldn't comment on the lawsuit.
Ethical porn, which focuses on performers' rights, consent, and safety, has become an increasingly discussed issue in the industry. Unfortunately, there's really no such thing as guaranteed ethical free porn in the way that tube sites provide it.
Aside from most perpetuating the same problems described above, there's also little industry transparency, accountability, or credible information available. It's basically industry whistleblowers feeling as though they sacrifice their careers to speak up or journalists shedding light on abuses like those alleged against Girls Do Porn.
Yet the reality is free porn isn't going anywhere (for now), and some tube sites can be more ethical than others. New business models are emerging that provide free clips with the explicit permission of performers and creators.
Trying out alternatives to Pornhub and Xvideos is about so much more than just ethics, though. There are whole worlds of unique NC-17 content just waiting to be explored, perfect for both aficionados and newcomers. There are sites with artsy high productions, the down and dirty kinky, genuine amateurs, personalized experiences with stars, and an underrated category of erotica that isn't just video porn.
The gist: Categorizing itself as a feminist porn site, Bellesa provides ethical free porn through a partnership program, with curated and relatively lengthy (typically at least 10 minutes long) free clips directly from the creators. That includes videos from their own in-house studio too, Bellesa Films, which you can pay to see in full . There's also user-submitted erotica, articles on sexual health, and a built-in sex toy shop.
Best for: Beginners or those with more softcore, women-friendly, sex-positive tastes that are on a budget and don't like to waste too much time searching getting off.
Ethics: While initially criticized for perpetuating the pirated porn issues, its partnership program introduced a viable model for ethical free porn to the industry.
The gist: This performer-oriented platform is all about creating a space where free porn helps instead of hurts content creators. With a format that spotlights performers who are usually just starting out and trying to make a name for themselves, it includes only the free clips they offer, from interviews to previews to full videos.
Best for: Ethically-minded budgeters who put favorite performers above preferences for a specific category or type of content.
Ethics: Innovating one of the most viable ethical free porn models ever, MVTube not only serves as a promotional tool for newcomers to build a loyal following, but also provides 67 cents for every 1,000 views. To boot, it includes inclusive categories that are much more queer-friendly than your typical tube site.
The gist: An unexpected haven of ethical and free communal horniness, the "front page of the internet" has an abundance of thriving porn subreddits. Amateur lovers rejoice, because there's something for absolutely everyone in r/realgirls , r/girlsinlove , r/girlsgonewild , r/gonewild , and r/gonewildtrans . These aren't places of exploitation, but communities that celebrate exploration, both from the uploader and receiver's perspective. If the loss of NC-17 Tumblr has left you feeling without a welcoming horny internet community to call home, then you're in luck.
Best for : The kind of grounded, home video, guilt-free stuff that somehow leaves you feeling like maybe this whole porn thing can actually be a net positive for society. It's al
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