I Have Wife And Daughter
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Average rating: 5 out of 5 stars300K Reviews
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Man I'm glad that I found this site..Lot's of good information on here.
I am a remarried husband with a 14yr. old daughter that lives with us. She makes good grades in school and iis involved in lots of extracurricular activities such as softball, cheerleading and works full time during the summer. She is fairly responsible but is showing tendancies of lying about where she is or is going and has had several confrontations with my wife whom I love dearly. She is manipulative as well. I have talked to my daughter about my wife's role in this family and that my wife and I will discuss everything and come to an agreement so sidestepping her is not a good choice. My daughter has some of the same traits as her mother (lying, manipulative, backstabbing, etc) and this drives my wife nuts ot the point that I think she punishes her excessively for an issue becasue she despises the traits in her. My wife thinks every mistake my daughter makes is directed at causing her pain I try to explain that she is 14 and will grow out of this if we hold her accountable while showing her love but my wife is to the point of not having anything to do with her.
I do understand her frustration as she has a 17 yr. old son that is living with us that I had similar run ins with over the years. He is a pathologic liar and struggles with authority (I understand that many 17 yr olds have this issue).
I finally realized (through my wifes help) that I needed to pick my battles with him and our relationship has gotten much better. How then do I help my wife and daughter through this? She is picking every battle as a major issue due to her frustration right now and my daughter feels as though she can do nothing right and is always in trouble. Sometimes I feel like I should let them sort it out on their own as being an intermediary seems to get me into hot water with one or both. I am looking for them to bond and not push each other away.I love my wife and my daughter and want them to have a good relationship and also improve the relationship with my wife. I have a view of how this marriage will be different than my first but with these issues, it is difficult to get things on track. So you all know my stance is that divorce is NOT an option for either of us. My commitment is firm to my wife and I want to take steps to make our marriage more fulfilling for everyone in our family. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Average rating: 5 out of 5 stars9 Reviews
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Fourteen is when it all comes out. My sincere sympathies to you. Tread lightly--as if in a field of tulips. This is the age that girls, especially, feel that their wants and needs are not understood. Getting crazy with them only makes matters worse--then they KNOW they have to hide and that mom doesn't understand. Simple rules get followed and trust is the reward. Let this be the message. Basic consideration for each others needs fosters friendlyness in the home. Loud music, tying up the phone, not helping with chores, etc. can be annoyances--and the teen needs to know these things--in a kind way of course. But to go crazy over anything--it just makes everyone want to get out...run to the basement, run to their room or worse, into the arms of a waiting young love.
Remember, you may trust your young lady, and she may be trustworthy, but Mother Nature can never be trusted--not ever, ever. Keep your eyes on her. She has to know that you are interested in her good days and bad days--being available to talk whenever she likes--as everything is an emergency with fourteen year-olds.
Mom and dad want to know where she is, etc. It is your right to know.
Pathologic lieing--that's lieing without a reason. Professional help is the answer to that one. That condition will last a lifetime unless there is intervention. That's a problem going into adulthood.
The clash between mother and daughter are fairly normal--given the age of the daughter. The dynamics are imaginable alright. Just off-the-cuff, the wife may be re-acting with too much of a Viking spirit.
Thanks for the reply...my wife is actually her stepmother. Just want to make sure that I have everything clear. Thanks again though, I'm trying to be a good father and husband and there is a lot of tension between the two of them while I am trying to maintain a happy healthy home environment. I need to work on my approach as well with both. Keep me in your prayers...
argon,
You wrote that your wife "....thinks that every mistake my daughter makes is directed at causing her pain..." What is a mistake? You mentioned that your daughter has some of her (biological) mother's traits and backstabbing is one of those traits. To me, a mistake would go something like being forgetful, not following directions, taking her time when she needs to be in a hurry. Question is, is the wife viewing these mistakes as a kind of passive resistance or as some kind of intentional and persistant annoyance (persecution).
If my daughter were to come to me and say that she can't do anything right and is always in trouble, that wouldn't sound like she intended to make trouble or cause pain. When your daughter says something like that, do you encourage her to elaborate? Do you listen with an open mind? Do you let her get it all out?
Although I believe that family meetings are a very good practice, I also believe that alone time with our kids is important. When a person can't open their mouth without getting barraged--well, you know what I mean. I can remember telling myself that I wasn't going to tell my dad another thing! Not ever! I can still see myself sitting at the kitchen table--every time I told my dad something, he had a better idea, etc. Well, I was wrong about my dad for a long time--he was the best there ever was (in my heart) I just wished he would have let me talk. (can you tell? LOL)
For beginners, the best you can do is be a very good listener. Find a good book on the subject of listening. I think it will help. Then pass the book around and have a family discussion about how you all can become better listeners. It's a beginning.
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I Have Wife And Daughter
