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We're not size queens or anything but the HBO comedy Hung—about a man (Thomas Jane) with a large penis—premieres in June, and it got us thinking about big penises, the ultimate status symbol for men*. After the jump, a list of famous ones.
1.) Rasputin**
The Russian mystic's disembodied penis is on display at the Russian museum of erotica in Saint Petersburg, in a tall jar, measuring 11 inches—flaccid.
2.) Liam Neeson
In her autobiography No Lifeguard on Duty, Janice Dickinson wrote of her ex-boyfriend Liam Neeson, saying he had "the biggest penis of any man alive. He unzipped his pants and an Evian bottle fell out."
3.) Jay-Z
Accounts from several different groupies say that Jigga is well endowed, "The biggest dick you will ever see in your life, but boring. Huge. Like a one-liter Pepsi bottle. What do you call those things? The 20-ounce bottle. It's beyond huge. It could block the sun."
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4.) John Holmes
Even though he had one of the most celebrated dicks in porn history, due to its size, there's no real documentation of his measurement. His manager claimed he was 13.5 inches, but Holmes' first wife said he measured it in front of her, before he started doing adult films, and it was 10 inches.
5.) Vincent Gallo
Have you ever seen Brown Bunny? (Link NSFW)
This rumor about how large his dick was has been around for a while, and at his Friars Club memorial in 2002, his friends joked about his size.
7.) Wilt Chamberlain
His nickname was "Big Dipper." He claims to have gotten a lot of use out of it.
8.) Tommy Lee
Thanks to the sex tape with then-wife Pamela Anderson, everyone has seen Tommy's peen. It's guesstimated to be about 8 inches, erect. (Link NSFW)
9.) Frank Sinatra
Ava Gardner once said of her ex-husband, "He only weighs 120, but 100 pounds is cock."
10.) Alexis Arquette
Some years before her sex reassignment surgery, Alexis had a lot of taping to do. (Link NSFW)
10.) President Johnson
"He was a lifelong exhibitionist who in college had dubbed his penis ‘Jumbo.'"
11.) Errol Flynn
He was notorious for his cock, which he once used to play the piano. A classical pianist!
12.) James Woods
That's the rumor, anyway, but we don't really care to find out definitively.
13.) Colin Farrell
It looks like a baby's arm. (Link NSFW)
Glamor model Jordan aka Katie Price says that her husband's penis is the size of a large television remote control.
15.) Anthony Keides
The girls on Metal Sludge—a site where groupies compare notes on the rock stars they've fucked—say the Red Hot Chili Peppers front man is a "very large" penis that is "beyond gorgeous."
16.) Tony Kanal
The girls on Metal Sludge also say that the No Doubt bassist—who is Gwen Stefani's ex—measures about 10 inches.
17.) Tony Danza
He's uncut and long. (Link NSFW)
18.) Ray J
Don't all guys with sex tapes that "leak" have big dicks? (Link NSFW)
19.) Dan Rather
The report on Rather is that "he is as hung as he is handsome and intelligent."
20.) Simon Rex
It's no wonder why he used to do porno.
*It is the personal opinion of the writer that big penises hurt.
**This list is not compiled by size order.
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"It is the personal opinion of the writer that big penises hurt." - Tracie Egan Morrissey
Well, I'm going to be the iconoclast here and say that, yes, size matters to me, and quite a bit. I suppose I have somewhat of a fetish for large penises, so I have a hard time believing women who say they "don't like" big penises, because "they hurt". Comments like that make me think that the opining woman is trying to signal to her audience that she has a tight vagina and doesn't sleep around, and that she would rather be quietly dissatisfied with her boyfriend's average size than to seem to espouse the same kind of body objectification heaped on women. Alternatively, maybe she's just never been with a large penis that was attached to a man who knew how to really get her worked up before trying to enter.
(And, since I'm sure someone will make this assumption: I am a gym rat, so I do a lot of intense core work. This tones and works all those down-there muscles, too. So, no, my preference for large penises is not because my vagina is an airplane hangar. Moving on)
I'm not saying that men should feel bad about a physical trait that they cannot change; obviously, penis size is not the only criteria by which to judge a (male) human being. But I don't think we should lie to ourselves and each other (especially when it falls under anti-slut signaling behavior), or sacrifice our pleasure, in order to hold on to a narrow definition of feminism.
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Ladies, when you’re with a guy have you ever thought to yourself, “Let’s cut to the chase—how big are you?”
You’ve probably thought this at least once while talking to some dude after you’ve had one too many tequila shots at closing time. Sorry guys, but size matters and don’t ever let any woman tell you it doesn’t. Sure, she might still “love” you, but hardware might be necessary to sustain that love.
Wait, was that cold-hearted? I mean she loves you for “you,” but really size does matter. Okay, ladies, let’s get to it. Since every girl talks to her friends about size and we all have the same scientific conversations, here is what I’ve concluded on how you can somewhat scientifically determine if he’s big.
Any man who doesn’t have to be loud and obnoxious knows he doesn’t need to overcompensate for anything since he clearly isn’t lacking.
The shy ones are the ones you need to look out for.
We all know what working out does to you. He doesn’t have to be a rail, but less muscle means more downtown.
He’s knows he can make you scream and wants to remember what your face looks like before that happens.
I know, it’s so scientific. But really, my observations of groups of men have taught me this.
Ever been kissed and thought, “Uhm…try again”? The ones that are about to rock your world kiss you like they mean it.
Now—go forth ladies and spot the bigs. Now we are all smarter. We grew together.
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