I Dont Care About Sex

I Dont Care About Sex

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From low libido to painful sex, help is available

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According to Hollywood rom-coms, you should want to get hot and heavy with your partner every chance you get. But for some women, sex isn’t all that.

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There are many reasons you might not be into it, says women’s health specialist Pelin Batur, MD . Intercourse might hurt. You might have trouble reaching a climax. Or your libido might be taking an extended slumber.
Whatever the reason, you don’t have to grin and bear it. “Your sexual health is important, and you should know you have options,” Dr. Batur says.
Sex drives exist on a spectrum from “More, please,” to “Meh.” And your own sex drive is likely to cycle up and down, depending on factors like hormones, stress, relationship issues, and whether you’re dating someone new or climbing into bed with your partner of 20 years.
“Sex drives have a gas pedal and a brake pedal, and the speed is going to vary throughout your life,” Dr. Batur says.
If you’re happy with the quality and quantity of your sex life, stop right there. You don’t need to get more action unless you want to. But if you want to? Here are some common problems that might be holding you back.
Stress can do a number on your libido, Dr. Batur says. If you’re being pulled in a million directions — or if a global pandemic has cranked your stress level to 10 — it’s no wonder a roll in the sheets isn’t at the top of your to-do list.
“Ask yourself how vacation sex would be,” she says. “If your sex life is great on vacation, then it’s probably stress, rather than a medical problem.” Finding ways to de-stress can help your sex life bounce back.
“Pain during sex is like a flashing neon sign telling you something’s wrong,” Dr. Batur says. Common causes of painful sex include:
“Underlying anxiety or depression can get in the way of your sex drive,” Dr. Batur notes. Issues such as relationship troubles or a history of sexual trauma can also affect your interest in physical intimacy.
In such cases, a mental health professional can help you work through the underlying difficulties.
Sometimes, a sluggish sex drive is a matter of mindset. “A lot of women have what’s known as responsive desire — you might not be that interested in initiating sex, but once you get into it, you realize, ‘Hey, this is fun,’” Dr. Batur says. “Sometimes, you just need to go with the flow and let your brain catch up.”
But sometimes, it’s not enough to fake it till you make it. Some women have a low sex drive in the absence of any other underlying problem. This is called hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). Another term that’s used is female sexual interest/arousal disorder. Your doctor can prescribe medications that can help put you in the mood.
If sex just doesn’t feel great, start with a refresher course in sex ed, Dr. Batur explains. “Lots of women think they should be able to climax with intercourse, but many — maybe even most — women need external stimulation to reach orgasm.”
Try shaking things up or adding some toys to your routine. Dr. Batur explains, “Lots of women bring vibrators into the bedroom. There’s no shame in that game.”
If that doesn’t work, there are treatments to help increase arousal, including prescription medications, hormones, and topical oils and creams.
Low libido, arousal problems and painful sex are all-too-common problems. It might feel awkward to bring it up with your doctor, but she won’t even flinch, Dr. Batur says. “It may be a sensitive subject for you, but your Ob/Gyn or women’s health specialist has probably talked to four other women about it just this morning,” she adds.
Don’t expect to solve the problem in a few minutes during your annual exam, though. You might need to schedule a dedicated appointment to discuss your sexual health history and figure out the problem. Depending on the issue, your doctor may refer you to a specialist. But any initial awkwardness will be worth the effort, Dr. Batur says. “Sex is an important part of your life, and you deserve good sexual health.”

Cleveland Clinic is a non-profit academic medical center. Advertising on our site helps support our mission. We do not endorse non-Cleveland Clinic products or services. Policy

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Korin Miller
Korin Miller is a freelance writer specializing in general wellness, sexual health and relationships, and lifestyle trends, with work appearing in Men’s Health, Women’s Health, Self, Glamour, and more.

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Life happens, which means dry spells happen, am I right? No biggie—unless that dry spell morphs into more of a, well, severe drought.
Wondering why don't I want to have sex anymore ? Well, “It’s normal for there to be an ebb and flow in sexual desire in a marriage,” says Ramani Durvasula, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, and author of Should I Stay or Should I Go? .
Factors like stress, time, and kids can seriously zap your sex drive. That said, you shouldn't just give up on your sex life forever. “Getting ahead of it is important,” Durvasula says.
Here are some of the most common reasons why women lose their sex drives, plus what to do about it.
“Because there are hormones in the birth control pill, the reaction can vary from woman to woman, depending on your body chemistry and the type of hormone mixture in the pill,” says Jennifer Wider , MD.
This happened to Heather J., 32, who suddenly stopped wanting to have sex with her BF: "The thing is, everything was okay. I loved him fully and was super-attracted to him. It was a mood thing. I ended up finding out I was feeling this way because of my birth control , and once the doctor took me off, I felt better and we started having a decent sex life again, doing it about two to three times a week.”
If your libido seems to go on a permanent vacation right after you start a new hormonal birth control method, talk to your doctor. “There are tons of options to choose from and having your sex life impaired due to medication can be easily overcome for most people,” Dr. Wider says.
Motherhood can be rough on your sex life. “You’re tired, stressed out, and may not feel sexy anymore,” Durvasula says. “Is that a formula? No. But for many women it’s real.”
“Nobody tells you this when you’re a teen or in your twenties, but sex is way different after you have kids," says Juliet M, 29. "Mainly because I’m always tired and the last thing I want to do is get naked, show my husband my post-pregnancy body, and have sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, and I love our life together. I just feel blah about my body, and I’d also rather sleep when the kids sleep than stay up and have sex."
Yeppp, being a mom means constantly tending to the needs and demands of others, and at some point, sex can feel like another demand. Try talking to your partner about the pressures you’re dealing with and be open about how it’s affecting your sex life. Then, see if they can help with any of the responsibilities you’re dealing with on the regular, Durvasula says. That may help lift your sex drive.
That body image issue Juliet mentioned is real . "If you feel good about yourself and appreciate your body, you're more likely to be open to sexual activities," says Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and sexologist in Honolulu. Try these 7 Ways To Start Feeling More Confident Right Now .
Stress is “becoming the new normal for people,” Durvasula says. And, unfortunately, that can have a direct effect on your sex life. She recommends trying to carve out time in your busy schedule for sex, and trying to set the mood/relax yourself beforehand. Maybe take a bubble bath surrounded by candles, or slip into some silky lingerie—all of that can help. “Sex is really an essential part of a relationship,” she says.
“I’ve been married for over 23 years. I’ve had all the sex I need to in my life."
A subset of stress, many women end up playing multiple roles and fulfilling multiple obligations, Brito says, which can feel overwhelming. Think: "being a partner and a mother, while balancing your career and personal life," she says. It's easy for that last one—personal life—to take a back seat. Again, talk to your partner about how they can help out!
Sex with the same person “can start to feel formulaic” after a while, Durvasula says. Or, as Linda B, 48, says: “I’ve been married for over 23 years. I’ve had all the sex I need to in my life, and truthfully, I’m just over it."
➡ Join WH Stronger today and get unlimited access to digital content, exclusive workouts, and more! Instead of looking at it as the same old, same old, Durvasula recommends reminding yourself that this is something special that only you and your partner share. That, and doing what you can to spice things up. Try taking a vacation together and having hotel sex, or working in some new positions. “Anything that can make sex feel new is great,” she says. And, if things still aren’t working for you, it may be time to consider couples therapy.
"Some folks won't be interested in having sex after a fight, while others will use sex to repair the rupture," says Brito. If you're in the former camp, you're probs not so interested in having sex with a person you're feeling less than fond of—makes sense! The truth is, whether or not conflict makes you wanna get it on, you'll need to get to the root of your issues if you want the relationship to continue long-term. Facts!
When you feel stressed beyond belief, you may also feel like you just. don't. have. time. Totally fair. This is where scheduling sex can really come in handy—and it's not as lame as it sounds. “It's not spontaneous, but it’s more likely to happen," relationship expert Terri Orbuch told WH in This Is the Right Way to Schedule Sex . Who knows—scheduled sex could be hotter than you think: Planning for intimacy can mean less distraction and more build-up!
"A change in hormone levels and body changes that occur during pregnancy may impact libido," says Brito. But this can go either way: Some women notice a higher sex drive during pregnancy, while others notice a decrease. Either is okay! But if a drop in your desire is interfering with your happiness or relationship, go ahead and "discuss any concerns with your medical provider, partner, and/or therapist," Brito says.
"If you're tired, the last thing you likely want to do is have sex," Brito says. "It's best to identify the best time of the day that you have the most energy in order to maximize your chances of getting it on."
So, if you tend to feel zapped at night, try having morning sex instead. Or, go to bed an hour earlier so you feel more relaxed and less rushed to fall asleep ASAP, leaving more time for ~other things.~
“When I lost interest in having sex with my boyfriend, about two years into the relationship, I started investigating why, and began to admit to myself that I think I’m just changing my sexual preference and may have an attraction to females. I’ve been with females before, and I thought I was over it. I guess I’m not. I still loved my boyfriend, but maybe more in a friend kind of way? I told my boyfriend the truth, and at first, he was completely taken back and a little offended. We met each other in the middle, and now we have an open relationship, which I feel is modern and most people understand.” —Sarah B., 24
While this can work for some couples, it’s a tough thing to navigate, Durvasula says. “It requires a lot of communication, conversations, openness, and honesty,” she says. “Normal human emotions like jealousy and safety all come into play here.” Some couples can feel that an open relationship enhances what they have together “but it’s not a solution for a lot of people,” Durvasula says. “Many prefer to be in a monogamous union.”
Even if you're still attracted to your partner, you may be craving different things in the bedroom than you used to. Maybe you liked spanking years ago, but you're not so into it now. That's okay! Your sexual preferences may shift over time, and perhaps there are new things you'd like to try. The key is voicing them to your S.O. Try: "Is there anything you'd like to try in bed? I've been thinking about X (XX)."
Lots of people are affected by restrictive views on sexuality, Brito says, a.k.a. feelings of shame or guilt. Did you grow up believing sex was shameful? That could easily affect your views on sex into adulthood, and you could benefit from talking this out with a professional.
Welcome to modern life. Anxiety doesn't exactly feel sexy, so if you've been feeling anxious lately, it's totally normal for your sex life to take a hit. (See: Anxiety Totally Ruined My Sex Life—But Then It Made My Relationship Even Better ). "Mindfulness and relaxation techniques may help you relax and increase your body awareness, two qualities necessary for improving sexual drive," Brito says.
If you find yourself suddenly not wanting sex, Durvasula recommends checking in with your doctor to make sure everything is okay on the health front. Things like depression, hormonal changes, and certain medications can all affect your libido, she points out. In fact, low sex drive is a common side effect of some antidepressants; speak to your doc about your options.
Look, I'm not saying an orgasm is the ~only~ reason to have sex, but it's a big one...and many women have trouble climaxing. Your partner wants you to enjoy sex, so give him/her a few pointers. "Identify what you like, know your body and what brings your pleasure, and learn to assert yourself," Brito says. Start by suggestions one of the 24 Best Sex Toys For Couples .
Lots of guys have trouble getting it up...even younger ones, explains sex therapist Brandy Engler , PhD: “I’ve seen a large influx in the past couple of years of young men coming in for this.” Anxiety, smoking, and lack of exercise could all be culprits, so if this is an ongoing problem, it's worth bringing up to your partner. Engler says your best bet is to have the convo *outside* the bedroom, not when you're both naked and feeling extra vulnerable.
The bottom line: There are many reasons for a low sex drive. No matter the cause, have an open dialogue with your partner and be honest about how you’re feeling. If you still want to be close to them, hold their hand, kiss, and touch them, those are all great signs, says Durvasula. If you don’t, it could be a sign of a deeper issue.

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