I Caught My Daughter Masturbating
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I Caught My Daughter Masturbating
This mom's grateful reply after receiving our email response
My 6 year old daughter has been masturbating since she was a baby. Now that she is 6, she rarely has a problem with doing this in public, or around other people. She is doing it privately, and is sometimes conscious about it, but often seems to just do it without even thinking about it.
I don't feel comfortable with sleep overs regardless, but even leaving her home with a babysitter, or a grandparent, I feel like this sort of behavior is something I'd really rather not have happening....both for her sake and whomever happens to walk in on her. I've talked to her in the past about how it does feel good and that that is normal and ok, but that because of these sorts of scenarios, it is probably best to find other ways of self soothing and relaxing before she goes to bed.
I'm just not sure where to go from here and rather than grow out of it, it seems to becoming more and more of a locked in habitual practice. I don't want to give her some sort of complex about her relationship with her body or do something that will negatively effect her sexuality down the road, but I feel like continuing this behavior and having people find her doing this could be damaging and difficult to deal with as well. What should I do?
It certainly can be confusing and concerning when we think about children’s sexual behaviors and how to keep them feeling both safe and confident as they grow. I’m glad you’ve reached out to us.
What's Age-Appropriate As she has been doing this her whole life, please know that it is normal and age-appropriate for young children to touch their genitals and experience pleasure. This includes using objects to rub against. Masturbation is part of a child’s exploration of their body and how it works. And, these behaviors can stick around when a child prefers this method for self-soothing. You’ve noticed a pattern with your daughter, and you’re right that the “locked-in, habitual” aspect of this activity is concerning. There are so many avenues to try when teaching your daughter other ways to calm herself.
Checking-In with Professionals A good next step would be to schedule a visit with your daughter’s pediatrician. Whenever there is a developmental or behavioral concern involving your child it is a good idea to bring them to the doctor. Also, as this behavior can persist in other times of stress, or when there is an underlying physical concern, a doctor’s visit can rule out any medical condition (like a bladder or a urinary irritation).
Expected Behaviors Moving forward, it’s important to know a bit more about expected sexual behaviors and development for this age group. The article, Sexual Development and Behavior in Children (link is external) , from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network talks about some of the common sexual behaviors in childhood for School-Aged Children (ages 7-12) as: “A purposefully touching of private parts (masturbation), usually in private; Wanting more privacy (for example, not wanting to undress in front of other people); being reluctant to talk to adults about sexual issues”. It’s great that in the past you’ve talked to your daughter about how this behavior was totally okay, and as a private activity she needs to do it in her room or the bathroom. For now, start to knock on her bedroom door when she’s in there to see if it’s okay for you to come in. If you open up her door and this is what she’s doing, it’s important to close the door and give her some privacy.
Other Ways to Self-Soothe You’ve mentioned talking to her about finding other ways to calm down when she is tired, and that’s also great. Now, give her some alternative tension releasers. Ideas like counting sheep, reading a book, slowly swaying to soothing music, or even aromatherapy are all easeful pre-bed activities. You could even establish a “calm time” 10 minutes before bedtime where you do one of these soothing activities together. There is no need to talk about these activities as “alternatives” to masturbation with her, though---just frame these as tranquil, healthy ways to prepare for a good night’s rest. For another family’s story of introducing alternative tension release strategies into their child’s routine, see, Masturbation: Six Ways To Manage It (link is external) , from the parenting website Ask Dr. Sears.
Involving Caring Adults in Safety Planning Your concerns about a babysitter walking in on her are valid, and this is why it is essential to have a babysitter with whom you feel comfortable. Explain to the sitter that there a few ways your daughter prepares for sleep and this is one which comes up frequently. Talk about how in your family adults always knock on doors before entering, as this respects privacy and teaches children about appropriate boundaries. And, tell the babysitter to leave the room if this behavior begins while they are in it. If they do notice your daughter engaging in this behavior in a common space make sure they are confident in gently reminding her that this is a “private activity for her bedroom or the bathroom”, and encouraging her to take space or to change her behavior. This kind of conversation can be helpful with her grandparents if they are watching her as well. Making sure all caregivers are in communication with each other, and are able to communicate appropriate messages to your daughter about the value of privacy, is important.
Having clear, easy-to-follow family rules about consent, respect, and body boundaries, as well as privacy, are all a part of what we call Safety Planning . Other safety planning measures you can take could be giving her access to age-appropriate resources so she can learn about her body. You may want to know more about Why Healthy Sexuality Education is an Important Part of a Safety Plan , and how to talk to your daughter about it effectively. And, for further access to information and expertise take a look at our Healthy Sexual Development resource page.
Finally, if after trying these strategies nothing has changed, you may want to seek the advice of a professional. A therapist specializing in child sexual development and behaviors would be best suited to speak with you. They can give feedback around alternate strategies, help you with implementation, and can assist you in deciding whether your daughter may also benefit from an evaluation. A health insurance company, doctor, or local mental health agency are all places to seek an initial referral.
It’s great that you acknowledge how important it is to raise children with a healthy relationship to their bodies and their sexuality. Know that this love and care are key in keeping your daughter safe and healthy.
Thanks you so much for your thoughtful and thorough response, as well as for all of the rsources. We appreciate it so much!
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I'm worried about my boyfriend's behavior with my daughter.
My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for almost 8 years. I am pregnant with our 2nd child and I have 3 children from a previous relationship. My oldest daughter just turned 15. She has always been a handful, but now that she is more mature, her behavior and attitude towards me is pretty bad and she acts like she hates me and is upset with me for something but won’t talk about it. It has changed, but previously both her and my boyfriend hated each other. For the most part when he would come to visit (we have never lived together), he would completely ignore her presence and acted like she didn't exist. When I asked him why, he said it was because he wanted to avoid any arguing with her as she was very disrespectful and is easily angered. Now things are different. She and him play around and joke a lot together.
Their jokes are often at my expense and sometimes I feel attacked by them. For example, she'll imply that I'm fat and he'll imply that I'm ugly or something like that. One time he was leaving to pick up some fast food and she wanted to go with him. I didn't think anything of it and said yes. They were gone for over an hour and when I called him several times he did not answer his phone and the restaurant is 2 miles from my house. He defended it and said that it took really long to get the food but I do not believe it.
Shortly after this incident, I walked into her room and caught her masturbating, although she denied it. Another day, early in the morning I got out of the shower because I forgot something and when I came into my bedroom, he was not there. I looked around the house, including in my daughter’s room, and didn't see him anywhere. But when I asked him where he was, his answer didn’t make sense - he said he was in the bedroom the whole time and I thought this was a red flag.
Also, he has talked about how he wanted to be with a "young girl" and that I was too old. I was 30 at the time and he was 28. He spoke about how young girls are easier to control and that "they will do anything." This was concerning and I confronted him about it. I asked him if he was a pedophile and he denied it.
If it came down to it, he will never admit anything to me. He doesn't tell me anything and I feel there's so much to him that I don't know. I have confronted him and he denies ever doing anything to her. I asked her as well and she gets annoyed (typical teenager) and doesn't say much. She just says that nothing ever happened.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having concerns about the sexual safety of your eldest daughter around your boyfriend. Questioning a close adult’s behaviors is not easy, but is a vital step to preventing abuse. I'm so glad you've reached out to us for more information and guidance.
Recognizing Warning Signs When you see something that makes you have that “gut feeling,” it’s so important that you dig a little deeper and not ignore what you’re noticing, as you're doing. Though sometimes it can be difficult to tell whether what you’re seeing is a Warning Signs in Children of Possible Sexual Abuse with older teenagers, check-in with other places where she spends time – like school, other relatives, and with the parents of her close friends. And although masturbation is normal and healthy at this age, it sounds like you have many other reasons that make you wonder what is going on with her.
Your concerns about your boyfriend's behaviors and comments are valid, and you’ll want to take a look at these Behaviors To Watch For When Adults Are With Children and these Signs An Adult Is At-Risk To Harm A Child . And think, do you have other folks that share in your concerns like a friend or relative? You may want to share these tip sheets even. Looking over these warning signs sometimes helps a person put a finger on something they felt before but couldn’t put into words.
Identifying Harmful Patterns I also want to point out the unsafe dynamic you describe – when someone belittles you or calls you names to degrade you or lower your self-esteem – is emotional abuse. That is very worrisome that your boyfriend is now encouraging this same type of behavior in your daughter too. And, it sounds like the way he responded to you (by saying he was in the room the whole time when you couldn't find him) was gaslighting. Though you don’t describe physical violence, emotional abuse is still domestic violence, and you may still want to reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (link is external) ( 1.800.799.7233 ) to talk more about the life you share with your partner.
Having a Conversation It sounds like you’ve had a conversation with your boyfriend, and it’s possible you may want to do so again – but I want to stress –only if it feels safe to have this talk and if there is someone else close to him or the both of you, maybe include that person as well. What you say doesn’t have to be accusatory or judgmental (or even confrontational), but it would be helpful to clearly state what behaviors you are seeing that are concerning and wait for him to respond; then draw the line on appropriate behavior. Children take cues from the important adults in their lives, and the way he talks to and behaves with your children will teach them what to expect from others and how they should be treated. And of course his comments about young girls is very worrisome. If talking to him further seems like a safe option, please check out our guidebook Let’s Talk . But again, safety must be your priority.
We also just did a webinar recently on a very similar topic called Dear Stop It Now! Helpline, I’m afraid my brother is grooming a child , and it may be helpful to you (and your allies) as you work towards next steps. This webinar dives deeper into having conversations with an adult with risky or abusive behaviors, and models a role play with two different outcomes. You can find a copy of the recording, role plays and handouts on the above link.
Safety Planning Now would also be a great time to review your family safety plan, and perhaps get other caregiving adults involved with this too. Safety Planning articulates the guidelines about body boundaries, privacy, respect, and consent to your children, and asks other caregivers to model and respect these healthy boundaries too. This helps youth know what’s okay and helps them better recognize when something is not okay no matter where they are or who they are with. Having these guidelines in place can make it easier to discuss any unsafe behavior in the future by addressing the rule that has been broken, rather than by singling anyone out – these are rules that every adult and child must follow.
Some families have rules like: Adults and children always play with our clothes on, with doors open, and we keep our hands to ourselves. The places we cover with a bathing suit are private. Unless you need help in the bathroom from your parents, or if you are at the doctor’s office getting a physical exam, no one should touch or see your genitals but you. If anyone is ever asking about your private parts, talking to you about theirs, or if anyone ever makes you feel uncomfortable or scared, it is important to speak up to a trusted adult. Adults and children always ask before giving a hug or kiss on the cheek first, and then they respect the other person’s answer. Adults always respect a child’s “no”, and listen to other cues that may alert them that a child may not want to be touched (except in regards to medical or immediate safety concerns). Surprises are okay, but we don’t keep secrets. Only one person behind a closed bedroom/bathroom door, and we always knock before entering. Adults always keep children in a common area with other adults, and do not bring them to a secluded place. And whatever else you may find to be appropriate. Though these may seem basic for your older daughter, please tailor these to your family’s needs.
Again, I want to urge you to trust your gut here. It’s saying that something is off, and you are not feeling like you can trust your partner. If it doesn’t feel like he’s a safe person to bring around your children right now, then you have every right to limit his access to your kids, especially if you two live apart.
Counseling Another idea I want to mention is the option of getting your daughter involved with a therapist that she trusts – someone she can slowly build a relationship with and open up to as she’s ready. It sounds like, even without knowing whether he has sexually abused her, there is something she’s trying to express through her behaviors – something, clearly, is bothering her or stressing her out; she deserves an outlet for that. I’d encourage you to search for the therapist that is right for your daughter, as the right person (qualifications, personality, style) is key: this may mean talking to several to people on the phone, asking about their experience in the field and goals of treatment and see if they align with what you’re looking for. The second or third person you meet may be the person that your daughter might really connect with. Our resource guide on Finding Professional Treatment and Support , her health insurance company and guidance counselor may all be places to turn to find a good referral – and while the times are changing, you may want to think about whether tele-visits may work right now too.
Self-Care And I also want to ask – how have you been doing? Do you have allies in this situation, and other people to lean on? This is really difficult, and you also deserve somewhere to process how you’re feeling. This is certainly a topic that you deserve somewhere to explore more deeply, to ensure that you’re able to take the best next steps for yourself and your family. Reach out to people in your life – friends, relatives, members of your faith community or seek out your own professional therapist. You should have somewhere to talk about how your boyfriend has been treating you, and all you’ve been seeing in your daughter – so that you can continue to make the best choices for yourself and your family.
STOP IT NOW! IS A REGISTERED 501(C)(3) ORGANIZATION | EIN: 04-3150129
This organization is a gold-level GuideStar participant, demonstrating its commitment to transparency.
© 2022 STOP IT NOW!. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Should I be worried that my daughter's game of "truth or dare" included sexually aggressive behaviors?
My daughter, age 11, and another boy, age 12, were on the school bus playing "truth or dare". They dared each other to pull their pants down and they did; but then the boy dared my daughter to perform oral sex. Well, she put her mouth over his penis, and he put his hands on her head and made her stay there. Is this a problem or normal behavior?
The behaviors you described are very concerning. It seems that your daughter started out playing this game, possibly knowing that it was forbidden territory, but then quickly found herself way out of her depth. It must have been very scary for her to feel trapped by the other child’s physical force. She will benefit from your acknowledgment of how frightening the experience must have been for her, as well as your support and comfort. She will also benefit from guidance from you regarding peer pressure and healthy sexuality. Prioritizing your daughter’s need for information regarding appropriate sexual behaviors and personal boundaries will provide you with some next steps. Some articles that may help you prepare what to say to your daughter are Stop It Now!'s Understanding Sexual Behaviors in Kids and Talking to Children and Teens ; and Talking About Sex and Sexuality: A Resource for Parents (link is external) from Planned Parenthood (link is external) . Gathering additional information about the situation may be very helpful. Some further questions you may want to ask include:
You may also want to find out more about the type of supervision provided on your daughter’s school bus.
Consider having your daughter see a counselor as well. This can provide her the opportunity to share more about what happened and how she is impacted by this event. She may also be facing difficulties at school seeing the boy there or even with potential witnesses on the bus. Additional supports for her may be very helpful and this may provide a support to you as the parent in helping to understand what your daughter needs in terms of information and guidance regarding healthy and safe behaviors.Additionally if you pursue counseling for your daughter, this therapist may feel that this is a reportable incident and you can work with the therapist through this process. To find counseling resources for youth, you can check with your insurance provider, primary care physician or your daughter's school counselor may have some resources
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