I Am Mistress

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I Am Mistress
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CL Grant has authored many relationship books, including "30 Day No Contact Rule," "The Reality of Being the Other Woman," and "Ex Addict."
Discover the brutal truth about being the other woman.
Let’s be honest about this. Becoming "the other woman" to a married man is not the ambition of any sane woman. A young girl playing dress up probably never imagines being a mistress. She wants to be a beautiful bride, wear pretend wedding dresses, get married to the boy of her dreams, and live happily ever after.
Naturally, there will always be exceptions to the rule. Some other women claim to believe that they are happy with the arrangement. Even so, these women are in the minority. The vast majority of ladies who have affairs with married men usually stumble in with their eyes and ears firmly shut. Their deluded hearts are full of false hopes and broken promises, and they are madly in love with their Mr. Unavailable.
Most extramarital affairs are doomed to failure. Be prepared for heartache, disappointment, guilt, and lies. Yes, lies. If a married man can lie to his wife, he can also lie to his mistress. Your first mistake will be thinking that you are somehow different.
If you are inclined to stay in an adulterous relationship, below are 11 brutal truths you need to know about being the other woman.
Men will have their reasons as to why they are unable to leave their wives. Many of their excuses will promise a deadline, though, giving you false hope.
For example, he tells you his children are still quite young and he is biding his time until they leave school. In your mind, he has given you a promise to leave his wife after the kids leave for school: However, when the school-leaving time arrives, the goal posts shift.
His next excuse becomes the financial burden of his children going to college. He cannot afford to divorce his wife, as the tuition fees are crippling.
Since you have invested so much time and energy in the relationship, the thought of walking away and losing him forever is too much for you to handle, so you end up wasting another three to five years of your life waiting for something that will never happen.
If he wanted to be with you, believe me, he would find a way to make it happen. Do you want to find yourself in the same position ten years down the line?
He tells you where and when. He frequently cancels at the last moment because of his family commitments. He makes promises, only to break them. Most of your snatched moments together entail sex and you begin to spend less and less time doing other things and going out together.
Initially, you may react angrily to these situations, but eventually you'll become accustomed to his disrespectful behavior. You start adapting your social life to suit his, spending many lonely hours on your own. This rapidly becomes the norm for your relationship. Among other things, his constant cancellations leave you feeling resentful and adversely impact your self-esteem.
Being the other woman means spending a lot of your time alone.
Photo by Daria Litvinova on Unsplash
While you are lying in bed at night, alone, on your birthday, remember that he is sharing a bed with his wife. Even if you have your own family and friends, they will not be able to fill the emptiness in your heart. It also won’t be only your birthday that he misses. It will be his birthday, Christmas, New Year, Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day, etc. He will also be absent for his wife’s birthday, their children’s birthdays, and their wedding anniversary.
Even if he remembers to send you a birthday gift (usually belatedly), it will only be a token gesture to keep you sweet. It will never match the gifts he buys for his wife.
Even though you know that you are in a relationship, none of your family or friends do. You can never introduce him to them. You will always be dateless at social events and holiday parties. If you are ever hospitalized, he will not be the one sitting at your bedside, anxiously waiting for you to wake up.
Stop kidding yourself that he's not enjoying quality time with his family.
Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash
Just because he spends a few minutes of his day sending you suggestive text messages, this does not mean that you are always on his mind. He is maintaining the bare minimum of contact that he thinks will suffice. Even if he tells you that you are all that he can think about, when he is with his family, it just isn't true. He is telling you what you want to hear. When he is lying on a beach on some tropical island with his family, you will be far from his thoughts.
Women tend to interpret sex as a sign of commitment and love: Men do not. For them, sex is a physical activity which they can separate from their emotions. Intimacy does not equate to love for them.
This physical detachment explains why some men cheat so readily. They can be in love with their wives and yet still sleep with other women. You would be extremely foolish to presume that he doesn’t love his wife just because he is having sex with you.
There are very few men who turn down an offer to sleep with their partner. It may not happen as often as he likes, but there will be some degree of intimacy between him and his wife. He may even say that he sleeps with her only to make things look normal and avoid raising suspicion. However, he will never divulge the true extent of their intimacy.
Meanwhile, you will be expected to be totally faithful to him and not date other men.
As far as the adulterous male is concerned, you will always be a secret. His friends and family will know nothing about you. You will also be limited in the places that you can visit together, for fear of being seen.
You may have the privilege of being his "friend" on social media such as Facebook, but he will never acknowledge you as being anything more than that. Indeed, you may even have to endure the painful humiliation of witnessing him posting endless photographs of his wife and family.
If he is not prepared to go public about his relationship with you, then he does not want to lose his wife. He will continue to keep you a secret for as long as you allow him to.
One of the worst possible things you can do is to try to break up his marriage by telling his wife. He will not thank you for it, and you risk alienating yourself. It won’t achieve the outcome or satisfaction that you hope for. Indeed, you will undoubtedly cause yourself more psychological harm than good.
Even if the affair is exposed, the prospect of you getting together is slim. If he does move in, it will only be a short-term measure. He will be looking to salvage his marriage.
No matter how careful you think you have been, the truth has a way of revealing itself. The longer the affair continues, the more careless you become. While he may delete every single text message and email, are you honestly doing the same? Are you sure there is no incriminating evidence to be found?
Furthermore, even though you should never expose the affair, the same rule doesn't apply to him. Indeed, he may feel so overcome with guilt that he confesses to his wife without even consulting with you first. Alternatively, his wife may become suspicious and figure things out for herself. Either way, it won’t be a secret for long.
While it may take two to tango, it is inevitably the other woman who is blamed for the extramarital affair. Besides being assigned a myriad of unflattering names, you may also discover your married girlfriends giving you a wide berth. Suddenly, you become a social pariah.
Do not expect much sympathy, either. Mistresses are perceived as perpetrators rather than victims of the affair. It is rarely the man’s fault; he was tempted away. It is emotionally beneficial for cheated wives to think this way. Blaming the other woman enables wives to overlook how they (or their husbands) contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. It also allows wives to ignore the fact that they married a loser.
Eventually, you will come to realize that you have wasted your precious time on an unavailable man whose only goal was sexual gratification. (If you are ready to learn the emotional and psychological reasons for why you participated in the cheating, read Why Women Fall for Married Men, and How to Move on Once You Have .)
In 2014, after extensive research, I published a book about the reality of being the other woman. It provides a candid insight into what it is like to be a mistress and identifies rules and reality checks about what to expect. I was overwhelmed by many of the responses I received. Due to the stigma attached to being a mistress, many women felt alone and isolated, unable to discuss their emotions with anyone else. Others felt rather indignant about being held accountable for their actions.
Nonetheless, it has never been my intention to judge. Research indicates that nearly 50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce or separation. Of these, 55% cite adultery as being one of the causes of divorce. However, do not be lulled into a false sense of security, since infidelity does not always lead to the breakup of a marriage. More often than not, a cheating husband will dump his mistress and beg to stay with his wife.
It is also worthwhile to remember that, while 41% of first marriages end in divorce, for second and third marriages, the divorce rate rises significantly to 60% and 73%, respectively. So even if you did end up marrying your lover, the chance that your relationship will last is slim.
Being the other woman is a thankless task. Whether it "just happened" or you think it was "just meant to be," in the long-term, it will only result in torment and heartache. If he genuinely loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, then he will separate from and divorce his wife to make that happen.
If he is not prepared to do that then, believe me, he is only in it for what he can get and has no intention whatsoever of leaving his wife. The more you expect from an extramarital affair, the more likely you are to be hurt and disappointed.
The best thing you can do is to respect yourself and leave the relationship with your head held high and your dignity intact. You must learn to value yourself and cherish your time. If you need further advice on how to follow though, then you should strongly consider implementing the No Contact Rule . Ask yourself honestly just how much more pain you can endure.
Question: Why is my husband's ex mistress doing her best to keep in touch with me? They had an affair three years ago. Ever since then, I have had to endure a horrible texting war with her. Now, she has changed tact, is acting like an angel and trying to stay in touch with me. What are her real motives?
Answer: I'm surprised that you have engaged with this woman for as long as you have. What did you hope to achieve by trading insults? You really need to block her number and cut her out of your life. You owe her nothing.
It sounds as if she still wants to be part of your husband's life and is fishing for information. She wants to know what is happening and is no doubt hoping that you are on the verge of splitting up. Don't give her the satisfaction. Stop communicating with her and cut all ties immediately.
Question: I am my boss's mistress and I am finding it difficult to end the relationship. What should I do?
Answer: In short, get a new job. If you work in a large organization, perhaps you could ask for a transfer to a different office or department.
The last thing you need, is to ruin your career as well as your personal life.
In the meantime, ensure you always adopt a professional attitude in work and treat your boss as your colleague, and not your lover.
Question: If you were the spouse, how would you feel seeing the husband's mistress (we are not divorced) named in the family tree?
Answer: I'm guessing I would feel extremely insulted.
However, if your husband has a child with his mistress, or marries her in the future, then she would have a legitimate standing on the family tree. Aside from this, there is no reason why her name should appear.
Without knowing the exact details, I would also be inclined to consult a divorce lawyer.

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1. “The truly upsetting thing about being the other woman is finding out that’s what you are when you thought the man you loved was single and you had a future together. For a year I was in a long-term relationship with a man who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I only found out because his wife snuck his phone and saw our text messages and called me. I’d never felt so betrayed and used and I’ve had trouble trusting another man ever since.”
2. “It can be wonderful, really it can. The best sex I’ve ever had was with a man fifteen years older than me with two kids and a wife of ten years. For me it was more of a FWB arrangement. For him I think it was just a way to escape from the drudgery of his life without completely destroying it. A warning though, this can only last so long. I saw him for two years and as time went on more and more of his home life crept into our relationship. After a while it became very much the drudgery for me that his home life was for him and I broke it off. It had become toxic because he was just bringing his family’s problems into my life instead of keeping them separate. I don’t know if his wife ever found out because I quit speaking to him when we split. I do still care about him though and I hope they’re happier together than they were.”
3. “I had an affair with a professor of mine when I was in grad school and I really don’t regret it. He was one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met and definitely the smartest. His wife was also a professor and at first I expected to somehow get in trouble but as time went on it became clear that she either didn’t care or was clueless. I hadn’t dated much in college and all the men I was in school with at the time just seemed very immature in comparison and the whole thing seemed sort of forbidden as well which was sort of sexy. I learned a lot about men and myself in that relationship and I think it made me a better person over all.”
4. “When I was seventeen I met a man in his 30s at a concert and we hit it off incredibly. He was hilarious and incredibly sexy. When the concert was ending he asked for my number and I figured why not. About a week later he gave me a call and we got together. I was still living at home at the time and told my parents I was going to meet friends. We went on dates and he never pushed me for sex. It was wonderful and he waited a month before he even tried to kiss me. At the time I felt like the whole thing was storybook romantic but one evening we were leaving a movie and we ran into a friend of his wife leaving the same movie with her husband. I remember he told them I was a just someone he’d sat next to in the movie and started chatting with and I thought ‘wait, what?’
After that I dragged it out of him that he was actually married and had a toddler at home. I stopped it right there and went back home crying. My mother asked me what was wrong and I told her that a boy I’d liked had been cruel to me which was mostly true. Thankfully I went off to college not long afterward but that was and still is the most heartbreaking thing that’s ever happened to me with a man. Guys, if you get married then don’t cheat, not just for your wife but for the other woman whose heart you might also break.”
5. “Most stories like this that I’ve heard are bad but my experience was universally positive. He was a man I worked with and we were very, very close friends. Our co-workers used to joke that I was his work wife and stuff like that. He was going through a very rough spot with his wife that had lasted well over a year and one weekend we were at a conference and ended up hooking up. There was never any illusion in my mind that he wanted to leave his wife because we talked all the time and I knew he loved her. I knew that he just needed affection that he hadn’t been getting for a long time.
We hooked up probably once a week for the next six months after that. Eventually his wife agreed to couple’s counseling and he told me that he felt this was his last chance to save the marriage so we stopped seeing each other in a sexual way and remained friends. He and his wife’s relationship got better and they’re now very happy. Most importantly to me, he is very happy. I don’t feel bad about it all. I actually think that I helped save their marriage.”
6. “When I was twenty I ended up sleeping with my boss for about six months who I knew was married. He’s still an executive at a very well known company. I wouldn’t say I did it just to get ahead at work although that was definitely part of it. I really liked the guy and he was completely unhappy with his marriage. His wife was materialistic and always wanting more money from him while, at the same time, complaining about how he was never home. Possibly the most clueless person I’d ever met. When she’d come in the office everyone would avoid her because of her entitled attitude. The only reason he didn’t divorce her is because he didn’t want to lose half of everything he’d worked for.
We had a casual, mostly sexual relationship and eventually he promoted me, outside his department of course, and things waned after that. It wasn’t a big deal to me then and I don’t regret it. His wife certainly didn’t get hurt and he and I had a good time.”
7. “In my mid-20s I found myself in a relationship with a man I knew was married but who predicated our entire relationship on the notion that he was going to leave her. TWO YEARS later he still found reason after reason to not even begin moving towards leaving his wife and I couldn’t take it anymore and put an end to it. I still get so mad about this because that was two years I could have been doing anything else with my personal life and I spent it on a man who was dishonest with me. On top of that I felt incredibly guilty for being with him and always had to tell myself that they were only legally married and that it was going to end soon. All of it was complete bullshit and I compromised myself over and over.
Ladies, if he’s married and promises you he’s leaving her then know that he probably won’t and you’re most likely just a distraction for him.”
8. “I’m still not sure if I was the ‘other woman’ or the girlfriend. I dated someone my freshman year of college who used to go home almost every weekend because he said his mother had some health issues and needed help around the house. That was fine and I definitely understood. The thing that started to get me wondering was that he never picked up the phone when I called when he was home. He would call me but he’d never pick up the phone. Early in Spring semester I called and a girl answered with a ‘who is this’ and I told her. Then he apparently came in the room and she handed him the phone and I told him to go fuck himself and hung up. I’m pretty sure she broke up with him seconds later.”
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