I Almost Went Insane...

I used to be very superstitious. I believed many occurrences were blessings or curses. For context, I was convinced that not going to church on Sunday would make the coming week bad. Like I wouldn’t be productive, my exams would be hard, I would lose something, or clash with someone. I thought that if I didn’t pray in the morning, the day would turn out harsh. And it didn’t stop there.

Back in Grade 12, when we were learning about evolution, I dreamed of disproving it. I was completely unreceptive to any ideas I believed were against my religion. (I’m Orthodox.)

Over time, this mindset became crippling. Going to church stopped feeling like a choice. It became a must. And all of this was for worldly benefits, not spiritual ones. To break this belief, I deliberately skipped church. I tried achieving more and counting positive things during that week, hoping to prove myself wrong. It only made things worse.

Then one day—honestly, I don’t even know how it started—I began questioning these deeply held beliefs with the help of ChatGPT. I would ask things like:

Me: “Why do specific things that have no direct correlation seem to happen together every time?”

ChatGPT: “Humans are very good at creating patterns. We’re constantly searching for evidence to confirm what we already believe.”

Me: “What about astrology?”

ChatGPT: “They fool people by giving generic statements that 90% of people believe about themselves.”

That night changed everything. I became completely open to new ideas. I started questioning people in my community who claim they can predict the future, curse or bless others, or communicate with God. We talked about all this nonsense with GPT the whole night. By the next day, I was a different person.

That was the beginning of the rabbit hole. I started researching more and more about psychic acts, magic, mind tricks... Derren Brown took the lion's share here😁: www.youtube.com/@OfficialDerrenBrown.

I felt good. Really good. I felt free. Life became predictable. I stopped expecting miracles and stopped connecting unrelated events.
Then I discovered Alex O’Connor and listened to his podcasts a lot: www.youtube.com/@CosmicSkeptic. I became more and more suspicious of the Bible’s claims.

At this point, my best friend of the year, Tinsae, got deeply involved. He was my dorm mate. Every time I found a new idea on the internet that was completely against Orthodoxy and Christianity, I shared it with him. Even though he knew he couldn’t change my mind, he debated with me for hours. Honestly, if I had shared all that with someone else, they would have either abandoned their faith and joined me or hated me completely. But Tensu was different. In my eyes, he deserves more praise than a monk living alone in the desert or den. Because he actively confronted and debated these challenging ideas, but stayed unshaken in his faith. And I was the source of them. Love you, Tensu. I’ll never forget this.

While contemplating life, I came to believe that God must exist. Our complex nature, the vastness of the universe, and my fleeting lifetime compared to the universe’s age led me to that conclusion. But believing that God exists only in a specific denomination and that others will be punished seemed absurd to me.

By then, I knew Richard Dawkins, Michael Shermer, Jordan B. Peterson, John Lennox, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Carl Sagan, and more on YouTube. I started seeing Jesus as a brilliant man we should learn from, and the God people worship as a product of human imagination, not real. I even started eating meat during አብይ ጾም. No rituals, no fasting, nothing. I even wanted to destroy all institutions, including the church.

But then things changed when I got the book “12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos” from Mickiyas, another great friend from 4 Kilo. He told me to read it quickly, so I did. It was also a break. That book became my book of the year. It made me reassess the downsides of extreme liberalism and lawlessness and helped me see the value in long-standing traditions and cultural norms.

If you see it, our everyday actions and worries don't matter in the long term. They amount to nothing. I felt like this world is abandoned, and the people on the street were zombies that won't be there or anywhere 100 years from now. All in all, from being free to feeling illusioned. The book saved me from going insane. Because whoever you become, you need non-negotiable principles. I found mine.
I started appreciating Christian values. Not as a way to Heaven, but as the optimal way to live in this world. I really listened to Jordan Peterson. I even started fasting and going to church again.

In between, I explored Protestantism with a very supportive group. They were amazing people. Sorry to disappoint you guys, but I’m now back to being an Orthodox believer, strengthening my faith. The good thing is, the more you dive deep, the stronger your faith becomes.

Reflecting on all this, here’s my advice:

1. Don’t be as superstitious as I was. Don’t wait for miraculous signs. That is the worst state.
2. Have faith. If you look closely, saying “There is no God” is also a belief because you can’t prove that either. And honestly, it’s crazier than believing “God exists.”

When Orthodox Christians say, “You have to be baptized. Otherwise, you’re destined for hell after death,” you might pity us for believing something that seems odd. But I advise you: listen to hymns, attend sermons, read the Bible, and go to church or mosque... You got my idea(I am not against any religion). Believe me, you’ll benefit so much more by being a believer.

This topic is sensitive, and the text is raw. I hope you’re not offended. I’m only sharing this because my anonymity allows me to.

If you read this far, thank you so much. Now, tell me, what have you gone through this year?
We are reflecting on 2017 e.c. on the internet😊