Husband Wants Anal

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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Send your questions for Stoya and Rich to howtodoit@slate.com. Don’t worry, we won’t use names.
My husband wanted to try anal. I didn’t want to. I let myself be talked into trying. I hated it. We tried again. I hated it. We tried with toys of slowly increasing sizes. I hated it. We tried five different lubes, so much of it that the towels protecting the bed had to be thrown out. We tried different starting positions, going very slowly, the whole nine yards. He tried receiving it to prove that he’s willing to experience the same thing. He didn’t hate it or find it painful at all. I hate every minute of it. We try it now every few months at most.
Even thinking about it makes my skin crawl, and I inevitably cry during and after. My husband will say during the process that we can stop anytime, but I always figure that if I’ve already gotten myself this far, I might as well see it through so I at least get credit for having done it. My husband thinks that the pain I experience is purely due to tension from my own psychological issue with this activity, since he’s experienced it and not found it painful. He is right that I find it icky, and I suppose that’s an arbitrary hang-up of mine. But I still experience real physical discomfort, wherever it’s coming from.
I want to never ever do this again or even hear him ask about it, suggest it, or joke about it. He keeps saying he doesn’t want it to hurt, but thinks it’s fair for him to keep wanting it and keep asking for it without this outsize emotional response on my part. Our relationship otherwise is warm, loving, and full of healthy communication, but this topic makes me shut down, and thinking of my husband as the man who sometimes pesters me to go through this kind of pain on his behalf has done a lot of damage to my enjoyment of sex and intimacy in general. He says he needs some variety. An open arrangement is not on the table. Is one of us being unfair? Are both of us? I would rather be able to do this for him than not be able to, but I just can’t bring myself to go through it again, and I honestly think we’ve tried everything.
You’re being unfair to your body by pushing through a painful and emotionally difficult experience to—as you phrased it—“get credit” for having done it. It seems like you might be minimizing your feelings, if anything. Your husband is being unfair to you when he invalidates your emotional and physical response, and when he expects your butt to respond the same way his does.
Rectums are delicate, and you should be very cautious with anal pain. While it is certainly possible that there’s a psychological component to your discomfort, neither of you can know for sure, and physical damage can be serious. Inevitable crying, crawling skin, and shutting down are all clear signs of distress. Your husband must notice these things. It sounds like you need a major break from the entire concept of anal, possibly for good, and your husband won’t hear that. Try telling him what you told me in a letter—it might make it easier for you to control your emotions, and he needs to understand how profoundly difficult (and potentially dangerous) this is for you. If you’ve been as direct with your husband as you were in your message, and he still insists on putting you through a painful, tear-filled ordeal, then I think you need to find a couple’s counselor sooner than later.
If you do get through to your husband this time, and he acknowledges what you’ve gone through, then perhaps you could explore other kinds of sex and start repairing your intimacy. I’m hoping your husband’s definition of variety is broader than a single orifice. Are there other kinds of sex he’s interested in that might be more palatable to you? Maybe there’s something you’ve been wanting to try out? Talk to each other—and please listen to yourself (and your body) as you explore.
I am a woman recently out of a long-term-ish relationship. I’m rebounding and sleeping with a few guys, and sometimes I return to my old habit of faking an orgasm to wind things down when I’m ready. I enjoy sex a lot, but it usually takes me a while to orgasm, especially with new partners. I’ve learned guys tend to internalize this and either take it as a challenge or feel like they left me unsatisfied, despite what I tell them. I experience their reaction as intense pressure to come, making it less likely I will eventually than if I just fake the first few until I get comfortable. I also generally don’t feel sexually frustrated if I don’t “finish” during intercourse, and when I do, I’m comfortable using my vibrator afterward even if my partner is still around. Besides, sometimes I honestly can’t tell the difference between a “plateau” and a small orgasm, so it doesn’t feel like a big deal to say “yes” if he asks if I come, or to moan just a bit louder during the act.
Still: I feel guilty that I might be polluting these guys’ minds into thinking they can make all women come easily. Plus, maybe I’m short-changing myself by not insisting on more, even if I don’t feel like it all the time. Is it unacceptably lazy that I don’t feel like communicating the truth all the time? In relationships I’m much more open, but in casual situations, I’d just rather not.
I think you are selling yourself short when you’re having sexual interactions in which you aren’t comfortable being honest. And while it isn’t your job to educate men sexually, you certainly aren’t helping them out by feeding them bad data.
You don’t have to get into the specifics or your life history with every partner, but I do think you’d have a better time and feel less guilt if you were a little more open and a lot more firm about what you’re after (and what you want to avoid). You know the old cliché of the husband who rolls over as soon as he comes during sex and begins snoring, leaving his frustrated wife staring at the ceiling? We’re in a new world now, where masses of hetero and bisexual dudes feel a need to prioritize female pleasure. This is an improvement, even if it comes with its own downsides, like conflating orgasm with enjoyment.
So let’s start with an appreciation of that desire to get you off. You can say, “I think it’s really great that you want me to enjoy myself. I want to be clear that my orgasm isn’t my focus tonight.” Follow up with what is your focus—the experience of pleasing your partner, the sensations of physical contact, whatever it is that you enjoy about these sexual interactions. Listen to how your potential partner reacts—if they don’t seem to be hearing you, move on.
I’ve been in a serious relationship for two years now, but the last six months have been … frustrating. All at once, we stopped having sex. Later, she’d open up and tell me that she’s asexual and not interested in having sex with me or anyone else. Sometimes we’d try, but she looks uncomfortable, which makes me uncomfortable, so we stop. I need sex and am definitely not asexual, but am very much in love with her. She’s not open to having an open relationship either. What do I do?
Love and sexual fulfillment don’t always line up, and if she’s not willing to open up the relationship, then your options can seem pretty binary—being in romantic love with your current partner versus the potential of sexual relationships with other people. But there’s a third way, which is to exercise patience. A compromise between your needs and your partner’s might not be achievable, but it could be worth staying open to the possibility for another few months because, as you say, you’re in love with this person.
Asexuality is frequently described as a spectrum. Realizing something as identity-informing as asexuality can be a lot for a person to process, and your partner’s boundaries might shift as she works through what this means to her. She might have fears, like you breaking up with her once you’ve established a sexual connection with someone, that become less of an impediment to opening up the relationship as security in her identity and your relationship builds. (Note that I say “might” and “could”—you should accept now that it’s entirely within the realm of possibility that you two won’t be able to work out a functional compromise.)
If you’re willing to give the relationship more time, communicate that and be respectful of her space and body. While you’re waiting, think in detail about what you need in a romantic relationship and what sex means to you. Is penetration necessary? Is being held while you masturbate an acceptable form of sexual interaction? How romantically entangled do you want to be with your sexual partners if you open the relationship? Having some kind of answer to these questions will help you when it feels like the right time to revisit this, and now is a good time to get a deeper grasp of your own sexuality and needs.
My mom was helping me and my partner move, and we saved our box of sex toys for the very last trip to the moving van. I tried to pick up the box, which we had very carefully sealed and concealed, but my mom helpfully grabbed it first. As we walked out the door, we heard a buzzing noise. My mom goes, “Hmmm, something’s moving around in here! Is there a Furby in this box?” I mumbled something about having probably accidentally dropped my cellphone in there and it was probably vibrating, and ran away to turn off the vibrator that had been jostled into the “on” position. My mom obviously knows that I don’t own a Furby. My question: Does she think I’m a pervert, and HOW CAN I EVER LOOK HER IN THE EYE AGAIN?
Since she was helping you move, I’m assuming you have a pretty decent relationship with your mom. And if she knows you don’t own a Furby, she probably guessed what was happening, made a joke to defuse an awkward moment, and didn’t want to talk about it. She doesn’t think you’re a pervert, and she is aware you have a sex life. Take a cue from her grace and let this go—and next time, consider running the batteries down (or remove them, if they’re disposable) before you pack.
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Kate Smith answered this Anal Sexual Stimulation For Men And Women: How To Keep It Safe and Pleasurable
My husband and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. Just recently he told me that he wants to do anal sex. I have a few times with him because he wouldn't stop complaining and telling me I have no choice, and I have to. It hurts and I don't like it. I have no interest in doing it anyways. He also told me that now he wants me to give him blow jobs and swallow his cum once a week...or he's going to leave me. I don't like swallowing. I don't mind giving him blow jobs but I hate swallowing. I don't like the taste, it makes me gag, I hate it. I love him to death but I just don't want to do those things. I'll try new sex positions, I'll try anything. Just not anal and swallowing. I don't know if I want to be with him anymore because why would he be so willing to end things so quickly just because I won't do it. I said I'll try and I could do it once in a while, but that wasn't good enough for him. I don't want to do it at all but I was willing to because I love him. What should I do? Should I stick up for myself, and say "No" and leave him. Or should I try to do those things? Help me. I love him but I feel like I'm being forced to do it, and I don't want to do it at all. Not even a little bit. Is that wrong? Please help me!
It takes two to tango my dear, and if your man can not meet you half way, he may be doin the 2 step by himself. You are not wrong in your feelings but it is wrong for him to make demands on you, do this or else!!! What is that? Giving your man head is fine and great, but if you can"t suck and swallow, so be it. He should be fine with what you do, minus the swallowing part. Many women can't, many women can, it's all personnel preference. Anal sex should be accepted (or not) the same way. Many women just can not get into anal sex, and that is perfectly okay. Your willingness to do what ever else he like leaves the door wide open to him for a lot of exciting and erotic adventures.
It's your call hon, but if i got an ultimatum like what you got, my man would be doing the horizontal boogie with his hand. I'll tell you a secret, (obviously not one anymore) but my ol man wanted to burn me with hot candle wax while having sex. Are you freakin kidding me? I told him if he even thought of dripping hot candle wax on my naked boobs i would set him on fire. He got mad of course and he approached the issue a few more times, but it never happened. But, we are now seperated and a lot of it was due to his "kinky" and "weird" requests. I am open to anything in the bedroom, for c**p sakes, i'll let you tie me up and hang me upside down from the ceiling fan, but there a few things i just can't get into. Getting burned and developing a scab the next day isn't my cup of tea, thank you.

So listen, you have your reasons and that's fine, actually you don't even need a reason, it's just something you don't want to do. I wouldn't pack up my gear and move out just yet, you need to have a long talk with him. Not letting him drop a load in your mouth is really not enough reason to split up unless there is something else going on with him. You not giving up the butt is also not enough reason to split up. Tell him that you will perform oral sex on him until he is just about to cum, then when he does, wipe it all over your boobs, that's very erotic, or let him cum on your chin, that's close enough. Sort of like a pearl necklace. But the back door is closed and i don't blame you, i have a hard enough time trying to pass a poo at times and the thought of trying to put something in there sort of bothers me. I have done it but i'm not a big fan. Tell him he can put his finger there if he wants, but that's it.
In reply to bbfeet964662 on 2009-10-28 - click to read



What speed are you willing to turn that fan to? Are you prone to motion sickness?





Hatty, from a male's perspective I think your husband is being unreasonable and insensitive. Threatening to leave over you not swallowing at least once a week is insane. Threatening to leave you is just wrong, if he's unhappy to the point of divorce no amount of kinky sex is going to fix that. If he wants anal sex so bad, maybe he should re-consider his sexual preference. As far as wanting to cum in your mouth, that's got to be some sort of psychological control mind trip he's having. An orgasm to me is just as intense inside my wife's mouth or in her hands. Honestly, I prefer to see the explosion and coat various parts of her anatomy being careful to keep it out of her eyes, she really hates that...



I think its time for some marriage counseling...
I puke from riding the merry go round. Maybe the ceilin fan should be turned off for now.
babyblues1222126877 over a year ago
I agree with both of these posts. I have been married for almost 2 years, and been with my husband for almost 7. We have done everything under the sun in the bedroom, EXCEPT anal!!! He wants to do it, but I don't. He mentions it every once in a while and even my bestfriend has told me to just try it, I might like it. Just the thought of it turns me completely off! I do swallow even though I do not like it all...but I do it to please him, but he does many things to please me and does not give me ultimatums. He understands my fear of anal and he does not pressure me at all. He knows that when I'm ready, I will be ready, but if that time never comes, he's OK with that too.

Your husband demanding you give him these sexual favors or he's leaving you is just ridonculous! And even if he's not serious and is just trying to scare you to get what he wants is just mean. You do not need to live like that. And I agree with Ninja, if he can't live without anal, maybe he should reconsider his sexual preference. Thats just strange to me.

I hope you figure it out...but don't let this man walk all over you in the bedroom. It should be about what both of you want, not just him.

Good luck!
Geez, I go out for a day of fun in my railcar, when I get back Beeb's hanging upside down from a ceiling fan and getting hot waxed where there ain't no hair. :O That visual should be good for a wet dream tonight. Thanks Beeb :-S Maybe I'll have another one in the morning, after I wake up. o.O

Hatty, of course you have a choice. You're his wife, not his slave. If you don't like something, that should be the end of the discussion, unless you think you might want to try it again to see if you can develop a liking for it. That last part should be YOUR idea, not his.

My wife and I tried anal once and she didn't like it. We never tried it again and I never mentioned it again. She used to give me bjs until I got a vasectomy. The first time after the vasectomy, she gagged on the taste, said it was bitter, and we never did that again. I never asked her again. That was her choice and I respected it.

You shouldn't feel forced or coerced to do anything. I don't understand how a man who loves a woman could do that. I'd make a terrible rapist, I guess. I could never enjoy doing anything with a woman if she didn't enjoy doing it with me. I can't blame you for questioning whether you want to remain with him.

Doing something you don't like once in a while to please him is bull s**t. If you don't like it, he shouldn't expect you do it ---- ever!!!
You definitely have the right to say NO.

I think you two need to have some serious discussions and he needs to respect you.

Now, Beeb, I have a question for you. Since you brought it up, does having that icky, sticky, stuff smeared on your boobs or face, turn you on?
Coming on a girl's face or boobs seems to be a favorite of the porn sites. To me it just seems like a guy showing his disgust for the woman he just had sex with. It seems degrading, to me. Maybe you can change the way I think about that. If I thought girls actually liked that, it would be OK with me. But for now I just think it's his way of showing dominance over her. Forcing a girl to kneel in front of you and give you a blow job seems very degrading to me. But, having a girl do it because she loves you and wants to do something nice for you, is a terrific turn on.

So help me out here Beeb, is a rubdown with that sticky stuff, a turn on?
babyblues1222126877 over a year ago
I will answer that njoynlife....being cummed on on your face is absolutely disgusting and most women I know don't like it
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