Husband Sperm
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Husband Sperm
My husband was a sperm donor. Now the mother is making demands
‘How do we manage this relationship without the child feeling rejected?’ Illustration: Lo Cole/The Guardian
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The adults here seem to have made a mess of the situation by failing to set clear boundaries, says Annalisa Barbieri
Some years ago, my husband donated sperm to a good friend . We went through an IVF clinic and have a signed agreement that stipulates he is not responsible, financially or emotionally, for the recipient or the child. His name is not on the birth certificate.
At the time of donation, our friend rejected an offer from a nother couple, because they wanted to be involved in the parenting, something our friend did not want . She went with our offer, as we said we would have as little or as much to do with the child as they wanted.
Over the years, we have seen our friend and the child regularly. All the children, including ours, are aware of the relationship. To our astonishment, our friend has turned out to be the most extreme tiger/helicopter parent – every second of every day has to revolve around the child’s wellbeing, almost to the exclusion of everything else.
In the past year, our friend has been pushing quietly for my husband to have a larger role in the child’s life. The child now calls him “Dad” and has sent him Father’s Day cards, while the mother has asked my husband to attend a school event. Given her style of parenting, we think she has decided the child needs a father and is pushing for this . We are concerned about the expectations she has and may be building within the child. It is making us feel very uncomfortable, because we do not want my husband to be the child’s father. How do we manage this relationship without the child feeling rejected?
I wonder when “we would have as little or as much to do with the child as they wanted” changed? You signed all the forms, which means – according to the UK’s Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority – the donor has “no legal rights or responsibilities to children conceived from [their] donation. [Donors] have no say over [a child’s] upbringing and won’t be required to pay anything towards their care”. It was clear-cut at that point. When and why did it stop being so? Whose decision was it? What was your husband ever going to be to this child, given that all the children are “aware” of the relationship and that you all see each other regularly?
At the heart of this are the children – your own and the child conceived by sperm donation.They must all be your priority. The adults here seem to have made a mess of the situation by failing to set clear boundaries. You don’t want your husband to be the child’s father, but he seems to be – both biologically and circumstantially. What was the agreement about what he would be called, or did you not discuss it? If I am confused, I wonder how the children feel.
I consulted the psychotherapist Maureen Anderson , who was also worried for the children. “As far as the child is concerned, your husband is the dad: he/she has made cards and doesn’t understand about artificial insemination. You’ve broken a lot of boundaries right from the beginning. This confusion has come about because things have not been kept separate.”
Anderson suggested that you, your friend and your husband seek mediation to work out what happens next. “You all need to really listen to one another to find the best resolution. You need to work out what’s going on between the adults, because there is conflict, confusion and collusion; you need to look at what is the least damaging [way forward] for the child.”
I strongly suggest you enlist the help of a professional – preferably a child therapist who can help mediate and give you the space to explain what you will and won’t do and, from there, reach an agreement. All of this needs to be done in a safe place, away from the child.
You can’t go back and change things, so you have to move forward, having redrawn the boundaries. It may be that you have to concede on some things for the good of the child.
You must set some parameters and find a way to explain them to the child/children. But neither Anderson nor I could see a way for you to explain to the child that your husband is no longer their dad, given what has happened – not without really causing problems and making the child think they did something wrong. Children always think it is their fault, so be careful.
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com . Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms .
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
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Doctor's Advice: Can I insert my husband's sperm?
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Q. My husband and I have been married for a year now. When we first met, I told him I wanted two children, but he said that he didn't want to have two, so we settled on one.
I believe next year is an appropriate time to get pregnant, so recently, I told him that.
But to my surprise, he replied that he had only agreed to a child because I wanted one. He also said that 'next year is not the right time', which I know is his way of saying 'It's not going to happen'.
So I want to know if it is possible for me to get myself pregnant by inserting my husband's sperm inside me? I could do this after he ejaculates, which is usually somewhere on my body.
I believe this is the only way for saving my marriage in the future. I do love my husband, but I wish that during our courtship he had revealed his true feelings about not wanting to have children.
A. I am really sorry to hear about this unhappy situation. By the way, I have slightly altered and shortened your email so that you will not be recognised.
Summing up, you deeply wish to be a mother. You believe that your husband is depriving you of that chance. It sounds like during sex, he habitually 'withdraws,' and ejaculates on your belly or elsewhere, so you are considering scooping up some of his man-fluid from your skin and inserting it into your vagina. I suppose you could try and do this with a spoon or some similar implement.
What you are suggesting is a form of artificial insemination. It could well work provided that you did it at about the time you were ovulating - in other words, on a day when you were fertile.
However, sperm die very quickly when the seminal fluid is allowed to dry out. Therefore, you would really have to scoop it up quite fast - while it is still liquid. That might not be easy, especially if your man was lying alongside you in the bed at the time!
Now, let us turn to legal issues. Artificial insemination is not illegal in Jamaica, but lawyers would probably feel that you had infringed your husband's legal rights by 'tricking' him into becoming a father. No one could sue you or anything like that, but if some time in the future there was a divorce, I suspect that the courts would not look too kindly on the fact that you had 'fooled' your spouse.
I guess you probably hope that after you have used this 'spooning it in' technique in order to get pregnant, then maybe your husband would not realise what you did.
Certainly, it's very possible that he might assume that the pregnancy simply happened because one night he didn't 'pull out' fast enough!
But if he ever found out what you had done, I think there could be all kinds of trouble. For instance, he might walk out on you. Or he could perhaps try to refuse to support the child.
So all in all, I don't think your plan is a good idea. One positive thought does occur to me, however. It's this:
It does look as though your husband hasn't actually said that he refuses to have children! You have interpreted his remarks as meaning that 'it's not going to happen.'
However, it appears to me that this guy might still be persuaded to become a parent. So could you ask him to come with you for some discussions about parenthood? These might be with a marriage counsellor or with some other experienced person such as a midwife, nurse, doctor, or minister of religion. I feel that if the discussions helped him to realise how important it is for many women (including you) to be a mother, then maybe he might change his viewpoint.
I wish you well. But please don't rush into this 'spooning up semen' idea.
Q. I am a guy of 19. Last month, for the first time in my life, I had sex with a girl. Ever since then, the skin of my organ has been sore and itchy. It looks inflamed to me.
Doc, could this be some kind of VD?
A. I don't think so. It's possible that it is some kind of allergy.
But the more likely explanation is that you have picked up a little fungal infection - what many people call 'yeast.' If so, it could easily be treated with some anti-fungal cream.
What you should do now is to go to a doctor, and let him examine your penis. I'm sure that he will be able to diagnose the problem accurately and can give you a prescription that would clear up this problem.
Q. Good morning. I am female, and I had unprotected sex on the afternoon of the 11th of last month. That was the fifth day of my period.
I later got to know that the guy had masturbated that very morning.
Then I got my menses again on the 23rd of the month, and it was just like any other period.
But since yesterday, I have an urgent need to urinate every now and again. Do you think I am pregnant?
A. No, I think you have cystitis - in other words, a urinary infection - so you should take a specimen of urine to a doctor and ask him to test it.
There are a couple of reasons why I think it unlikely that you are pregnant:
1. Intercourse was on the fifth day of your menses. While conception can occur at that time, it is not common.
2. You had a period on the 23rd. If this really was an ordinary period, then you cannot be pregnant.
I am not sure why you mention that the guy masturbated earlier in the day. I cannot quite see the relevance of this.
But if you still have any concerns, please email me again.
Q. I am a guy of 20, and I recently got a job that involved going down to Trinidad in a cargo boat. While I was there, I had sex with a pretty girl who I met in Port-of-Spain.
A few days later, I got a discharge from my private part. The ship's doctor diagnosed 'the clap', so he put me on a course of antibiotics, which stopped the symptoms.
Doc, can I assume that I am now totally cured and can think about getting married?
A. If you took the full course of treatment, you are probably cured.
However, I am a little doubtful whether a ship's doctor (no matter how skilled) could possess the fairly sophisticated equipment that is needed in order to make a definite diagnosis of gonorrhoea ('the clap').
So I think you should now go to a clinic in Kingston, tell them your story, and do the tests, which they have at their fingertips. If, by chance, you need any further treatment, they will give it to you.
- Email questions to Doc at saturdaylife@gleanerjm.com and read more in the Outlook Magazine tomorrow.
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