Husband Is Watching Porn
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Husband Is Watching Porn
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Please note: First Things First, Inc. and the materials and information contained herein are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical, psychological, or mental health advice or diagnosis and may not be used for such purposes. You should always consult with a qualified physician or mental health professional about your specific circumstances. First Things First, Inc. and its affiliates disclaim any and all liability from the use of any information or advice from anything contained in our website, social media, or other services. - powered by Enfold WordPress Theme
You’ve just found out your husband is watching porn. What do you feel? Disgust. Shock. Despair. Betrayal on par with infidelity. World-shattering confusion. Who is this man I’m married to? Heartbreak. Grief. Loneliness. Creeping insecurity about your attractiveness and your sex appeal. Why am I not enough? Is he thinking about pornographic images while we have sex? How is he looking at women? What is he looking at when we’re not together? Trust just went out the window.
These are just some of the things you might be struggling with right now. And you can’t be blamed for any of them.
In 2019 alone, people spent nearly 6 billion hours on Pornhub 1 , but all that matters to you is the porn your husband has been watching. What’s next?
You don’t have to click very far to find people and/or therapists who believe that using porn is a safe way to burn off sexual energy or enhance sex. While it may not phase others, what matters is how YOU feel about it, what you and your husband may have agreed to regarding pornography, and what solid research says.
Guilt says, “ This behavior is wrong .” It’s healthy, changes us, and helps us become who we want to be. Shame says, “There’s something wrong with me .” Shame makes us feel broken and unworthy of love. There’s a big difference. 2 Separate your husband’s behavior from your husband as a person.
So, is compulsive pornography use only wrong because of the shame that surrounds it?
Societal or religious taboos don’t explain the shame game when it comes to compulsive pornography use. Study after study 3 shows that shame may make porn use worse for the porn consumer, but it doesn’t explain it. Of course, your goal isn’t to make your husband feel shame. However, guilt is a healthy response to objectifying and dehumanizing people.
The Addiction Center recognizes that this is a controversial topic but cites numerous studies to justify identifying porn as an addiction.
Arguing about whether pornography is addictive is a little bit like two bald men fighting over a comb. What can’t be disputed is that many wives feel humiliation, insecurity, low self-esteem and report lower relationship quality when their husband is watching porn.
Fake sex affects real sex. Period. Full stop.
A PsychCentral article reports: “…regular consumption of pornography more or less wears out your reward system.” And clinicians report seeing many more young adults who experience sexual dysfunction, performance issues, and satisfaction with a real person, but not with porn.
Mentally recognize and name your emotions concerning your husband watching porn. For example, you may feel anger, rejection, betrayal, disgust, confusion, inadequacy, hurt, insecurity, etc. According to Dan Siegel, UCLA Professor of Psychiatry and executive director of Mindsight Institute , naming your emotions allows your brain to soothe and calm you down. 5
Putting a name to what you’re feeling can help you communicate the pain his porn use is causing you.
Don’t spend lots of time searching for everything he’s been looking at. Keep it simple.
Knowing every site he visited and how many genres he watched will only increase your negative feelings. Your goal is to know enough to determine his willingness to be truthful.
Remember, he’s got the issue, not you. Even if there are other marital issues going on, he’s the one looking at pornography.
I know — easier said than done. Porn isn’t really about your guy wanting you to be someone different. When people start looking at porn, research shows they subconsciously begin to bond with the images they see onscreen. 6,7 This causes the brain to crave more of what they are seeing. Eventually, it takes more intense visual stimulation to get the same satisfaction. That’s why porn can be as addictive (if not more addictive) as heroin and gambling.
What do you want the goal of the conversation to be? This is bigger than getting him to stop looking at pornography. It’s about him, you, and your marriage. You want to understand what he’s willing to do to overcome this issue and how you can help .
Note: Researching information on sites like Fight the New Drug can help you become informed. It may also be comforting to know you are not alone.
Communication is 55% body language, 38% tone of voice, and 7% the actual spoken words. 8 So, for example, your demeanor and tone can say, “I’m attacking you because I can’t believe how disgusting you are,” or “I’m really hurt by this, but I want us to get through it.”
I wish there was a foolproof way to eliminate any possibility of him lying. People respond differently. He may even deny, minimize, or accuse you of being something you’re not.
Jay Stringer, researcher and licensed therapist, warns about the potential of hiding. Hiding happens when the user redirects the conversation when confronted or chooses to be vague about what they’re doing. He may go into self-protection mode. He may be super embarrassed he has been found out. Be mentally prepared. You can’t make a person tell the truth. But, you can create an environment for honesty and hope the other person will be truthful.
If he lies or hides, talk about your desire to work through this as a team. Remind him that you’re not going to stop loving him simply because he got caught up in pornography. Porn is more likely to destroy your marriage if you don’t address it together.
Get him talking. This may be the first time he has actually verbalized his thoughts about it. Ask him: How long? Have you told anyone else? Have you tried to stop? What started it? These are questions that may get him thinking and talking. You don’t need all the details about everything he’s seen. You need an acknowledgment that he’s been looking at porn and that he wants to stop.
He needs to hear your heart and understand your feelings. With many husbands, sincerely expressing your thoughts and feelings is more effective than yelling and screaming. Clearly and directly, share any insecurity, betrayal, or violation you’re feeling. Don’t share through the voice of anger; instead, speak through the voice of the actual emotion itself. This gives a clearer picture of the damage this is causing you and your marriage.
Studies show that anywhere from 50-90% of husbands watch porn. It’s safe to say many of us don’t really want to. And many have tried to stop unsuccessfully. Most people don’t understand what they’re up against when they look at porn for the first time. Having said that, he’s not a victim. He’s a fighter, which leads us to…
He has to be willing to discuss and even initiate the setting of boundaries. He will not overcome a compulsion to look at pornography because you want him to. It has to be because he wants to. You can be strong alongside him and hold him accountable. This may include: accountability partners, learning about the dangers of pornography, sharing passwords, and regular check-ins.
Time and time again, I hear men say, “My wife kept saying, I love you. We’re a team. We’ll get through this.” They express how it meant the world to hear this. You’re encouraging your man to be a fighter and you’re telling him that you love a fighter, you’ll stick with a fighter, you’ll help a fighter to train, you’ll help a fighter beat the enemy. You’re also saying that you recognize that a fighter may get punched in the face. He may slip again. Every fighter gets hit. But one hit, one slip, doesn’t mean you’ve lost. You’ve lost when you stop fighting.
Pornography addictions are different because the brain isn’t trying to rid itself of a chemical dependency. It may take time for your husband to stop looking at porn even if he’s trying. It takes time to heal and rebuild trust. Overcoming pornography requires commitment from both of you. During the process, set some goals like “3 days of no porn” or “2 consecutive weeks of talking to an accountability partner.” Celebrate the goals when you reach them.
Some husbands don’t think there’s anything wrong with watching pornography. Drs. John and Julie Gottman outline how porn use can lead to reduced relationship satisfaction. Share how it makes you feel that he’s watching other people do the intimate things the two of you do to emotionally and physically connect. Talk to a trusted couple. Consider seeking professional help.
As a couple, you must talk and decide the role you’ll allow pornography to play in your marriage. Studies show its negative effects within committed relationships. If you can both agree that you won’t give pornography a place in your marriage, then you can work together to keep it out.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here. ***
1 Pornhub’s annual report: Can you guess the most popular porn categories in 2019? (2019). https://fightthenewdrug.org/2019-pornhub-annual-report/
2 Gilliland, R., et al. (2011). The roles of shame and guilt in hypersexual behavior. https://doi.org/10.1080/10720162.2011.551182
3 Reid, Stein, et al. (2011). Understanding the roles of shame and neuroticism in a patient sample of hypersexual men. https://doi.org/10.1097/NMD.0b013e3182125b96
4 Voon, Mole, et al. (2014). Neural correlates of sexual cue reactivity in individuals with and without compulsive sexual behaviours. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0102419
5 Siegel. (2010). Mindsight : the new science of personal transformation. Bantam Books.
6 Rizzolatti, G. et al. (2004). The mirror-neuron system. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.neuro.27.070203.144230
7 Hilton, D. (2013). Pornography addiction – a supranormal stimulus considered in the context of neuroplasticity. https://doi.org/10.3402/snp.v3i0.20767
8 Evans, V. (2020). How does communication work? Part 2: The function of verbal vs. non-verbal cues in face-to-face interaction. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/language-in-the-mind/202001/how-does-communication-work-0
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I enjoyed learning about porn addiction.
I really don’t understand why my husband resorted to porno instead of being with me. My heart is broken in a thousand pieces and I don’t know how to get over ir
I feel the same way so completely broken
I feel the same way. Except my husband took it farther. Dating sites, hookup sites, cam sessions and spent all of our money. One scam at a time depleted all of our future and our love.
I feel the same way. This article has some good parts but there’s a disconnect in it. Encourage him to quit and have him tell you if he slips up?! My husband has lied to me before. I’m going to get counseling to figure out how I can have serenity to accept his behavior and/or courage to change the dynamics. I can’t change him. I can only work on me.
I’m in the same place as you,Miriam I don’t believe I can get through this.. I’m completely repulsed by him.😢
So glad you are working on the “elephant in the room.” So many struggle with the secret problem of porn. Just to get on my email, scantly clad women are popping up. What are some specific ways to block it on the computer? Thank you.
how long you can wait for any hugging or sex? ?days weeks months years of NOTHING
this is not hear breaking? Working all aspects of life and not getting anything related to sex, even worst. Every touch is considered “you weirdo”.
Anyway my home broke, and I become a cam boy. I will never find anthing I was looking in real life. I have everyting like n dscount shop. Its illusion but lil pure and shallow love. But working and accessible. You have eerything you want but in real you have nothing. Still better than waiting 10 years and having LITERALLLY NOTHING except broken heart.
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What to Do If Your Husband is Watching Porn
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Did you catch your husband watching porn or find porn sites in his browsing history? As a wife, I understand this can make you feel angry, hurt, betrayed, or discouraged among a range of other possible intense emotions. After you take the time to pause and cool down, (so you don’t react out of anger which never brings the results we desire) consider which options below could be helpful to you and your husband who’s looking at porn. Every situation is different, but in any given circumstance, there are helpful ways to respond, and some not-so-helpful ways. The point of this article is to help you think about solutions that can actually help foster healing rather than just throwing the book at him, and telling him what a jerk he is (maybe rightfully so). Here are four possibilities to consider if you have a husband watching porn:
First, talk to him about it. He might be too embarrassed to admit it to you, but in order to get to the root of the situation, he needs to identify what the core issues are that cause him to look at porn in the first place. Most likely, this has nothing to do with you, so try not to take it personally. Find out if it is something he views as a problem and something he wants to work on. Or does he think porn is okay and doesn’t see it as a problem at all? If this is the case, then ask him how he thinks it makes you feel? Try to share and calmly explain your feelings and perspective on it, so he understands that even if it’s not a problem for him, it is a problem for you, which makes it a problem for him. Ask him what he thinks are the effects of porn on your marriage.
Many guys wish they weren’t addicted to porn, but they aren’t sure how to stop the cycle of shame and guilt that follows afterward. The shame may make him feel like he can’t talk to anyone about it, keeping him stuck in the vicious cycle. By asking him questions in a nonjudgmental way, you might be the only person he opens up to, which could be the first step in his healing process.
Remember, you have problems and weaknesses too. Consider how you would want him to treat you after you made a mistake or when you’re trying to overcome a weak area. Would you want him to be harsh and critical and angry with you? Or would you want him to be compassionate and willing to help you overcome the issue? He needs you to be a partner, and most likely can benefit from your support. For many men, looking at porn is not something they want to do. Try not to make him feel worse than he might already.
Let your husband direct his own process and come up with the ideas he thinks will be most helpful, so he feels he is taking responsibility for himself, rather than being controlled (even though this isn’t your intention) or mothered. Be a listening and a sympathetic ear as much as possible. Questions, rather than statements, are the best approach. Ask questions that build trust .
By practicing the things above, you will show him you are an ally rather than an enemy, someone he feels he needs to hide his weakness from. Society puts enough pressure on men to be strong and never show their weakness. Let him know that it’s okay to be weak with you; this is true partnership and friendship. Maybe this is a good time to vulnerably share with him about one of your struggles . This will tell him that you’re equals, that he’s not less than, and will show him that you’re not judging him. Ask him how you can help. Let go of trying to control him, and tell him that you believe he can overcome this issue and that he’ll be able to help many other men once he does.
Readers, we would love to hear from you: what do you think would be most helpful to wives whose husbands are watching porn?
Can you think of a time you helped one of your friends with a problem?
Did this blog give you the information you were looking for and give you tools to help improve your relationships?
Please note: First Things First, Inc. and the materials and information contained herein are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical, psychological, or mental health advice or diagnosis and may not be used for such purposes. You should always consult with a qualified physician or mental health professional about your specific circumstances. First Things First, Inc. and its affiliates disclaim any and all liability from the use of any information or advice from anything contained in our website, social media, or other services. - powered by Enfold WordPress Theme
Your husband watches porn. I’m sure this has caused some mixed feelings within you. Should you be concerned? Or should you be okay with this? Or maybe you’re concerned about how okay you are with it. And you’re not sure how you feel about that .
But your big question is, Why? What’s the allure, the drive, the motivation? Is it something you’re doing or not doing? Regardless, talking about why husbands watch porn isn’t an easy topic. But you’re looking for answers.
I honestly don’t know why your husband looks at porn. But we can narrow it down to what we know is quite common out there among guys.
Before we dive in though, let me tell you what more than likely is not the reason he looks at porn: you . Unless you’re force-feeding him to look at those images online, you are not the reason. It’s nothing you did , or how you are , or the way you do things (or don’t do things) in the bedroom or otherwise.
Take it from a guy who’s been in the struggle. Sometimes, I’ve even put the blame on my wife for my online behavior. Thinking things like, “Well, if she weren’t so tired all the time,” or “I can’t even remember the last time we had sex.” Doing this is easier than facing the reality of my own guilt or shame. So, even if your husband tells you it’s your fault, it’s still his decision to look at porn. Let’s just take that pressure off of you.
The younger a guy has his first exposure to pornographic images, the more profoundly it affects him throughout his life. 1 Studies have show
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