Husband Fucked His Mom

Husband Fucked His Mom

“My Mother Had Sex With My Husband”

By: Dear Wendy

May 12, 2015

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New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here . If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com .
Back in January when I was 9 months pregnant, I confided in my mother that my OB advised me not to have sex because of some pregnancy complications. A few days later, my husband’s phone went off in the middle of the night, so I reached over to silence it and saw my mother’s name. I woke up my husband and asked him to please show me the message. He unlocked his phone and deleted the message and said, “You’re being ridiculous.” I started losing my cool. I walked swiftly across the house and into my mother’s room and confronted her, asking her if she had something going on with my husband. Her tears started and she began saying, “Nothing! Why would you think such of me?” My husband came in screaming, telling me to return to our bedroom because I’d lost my mind. We talked and I calmed down. The next afternoon, my mother suggested I see a therapist and maybe ask for an antidepressant after my pregnancy because I’m paranoid and anxious.
Six weeks after my pregnancy I did just that, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that there had been something more to their messages. Then during the last week in March, my mother confided in me that she had HSV-2 (genital herpes) and had had it for 10 years. She explained that her current boyfriend was accusing her of passing on the disease and was threatening to take her to court because she had kept it hidden.
That night I told my husband about the disease and we never spoke about it again, until the last week of April. I was on the way home and received a call from my husband’s best friend and his wife concerned that there had been something extremely wrong with my husband when he stopped by a few minutes earlier. I called my husband and asked if parenting a toddler and a newborn had been too much. He began to cry. A loud, horrid sob. He said: “You’re going to leave me. Today is the day you leave me and take the kids. I have something, an STD.” I asked him who he had been with besides me; he said, “You already know who!” I hung up the phone in shock and called my mother who admitted it.
Turns out my mother spent the first week in January texting my husband inappropriate messages. One night after he and I had been at a friend’s house where he got belligerently drunk, and while I was asleep, he was rummaging in the kitchen looking for more whiskey and my mother beckoned him to come to her room. He, completely out of control, followed her inside where she took off her clothes and bent over the bed. Afterwards he cleaned up and sat in bed crying. I remember waking up to his tears, asking him what was wrong, and he just whispered that he loves me so. It never happened again, he completely ignored her, and three days later I accused them. (Quick note: He and I and our newborn have been tested for HSV-2 as well as other STDs and have tested negative).
I’ve now had my mother move out and have ceased all communication with her (even though I work with her) and I’m trying to move on, but I want to stay with my husband. I’ve spent a few weeks without him, focusing on the kids but also getting needed alone time to cry, grieve, and process. I absolutely am miserable without him. I know I don’t need him–I am positive I can raise and support my children on my own–but I’m truly in love with this man. I don’t want to stay with him because of the kids, I want to stay with him because of ME. He’s always been a GREAT husband, father, and best friend, and he says he will spend an eternity apologizing and making it right. Of the few times we’ve spent together alone in the last week or so, I feel great, safe, and confident. When I’m without him and alone, I become angry and begin to just break down under myself. How do I continue this healing process without being a woman scorned and without ruining my marriage? — Betrayed By Mom and Husband
One word: therapy. Get it. Get it regardless of whether you decide to give your marriage another chance. Get it because you have been betrayed in the most hurtful way by the two people you trusted most. In the meantime, you should distance yourself even further from your mother. She’s toxic and awful and, though you may never stop loving her, I would caution against ever having a relationship with her again. Since you work together, I’d start looking for a job elsewhere. I don’t know how you can fully process, grieve, and move on from what happened if you have to see this woman on a regular basis.
Now, onto your husband. I wouldn’t be so fast to discount his responsibility here. He had sex with your mother. Being drunk isn’t an excuse. Furthermore, what was he even doing being “belligerently drunk” when his wife was 9 months pregnant and could go into labor at any minute? Or, was getting you to the hospital safely another thing he didn’t have to be responsible for?
Also, you lied to your husband. You told him your mother living with you would be for a “short time,” but she she was still with you a year and a half later. Clearly, your marriage suffered a lack of communication and respect long before your husband had sex with your mother. I’ll repeat that again: YOUR HUSBAND HAD SEX WITH YOUR MOTHER.
Does that make you angry? It should! It should enrage you. You should be filled with so much fury that the thought of sharing space, let alone emotional and physical intimacy, with this man should be one of the last things on your mind. When you say you feel great, safe, and confident in his company and angry when you’re alone, you sound desperate to aim the fury anywhere other than where it belongs: directed at the two people who betrayed you (including your husband!).
You’ve had only a few weeks to start processing this. It’s going to take a long, long time to truly wrap your head around what’s happened. In the meantime, you have two children who need your attention. Look to them for the sense of security and confidence you’re craving. Find validation in being a good mother to them. And work with a therapist on figuring out your feelings toward your husband. Don’t rush back into his arms and don’t make the mistake of sweeping this under the rug and moving forward like nothing happened because you think that’s easier and less painful and will keep your family intact.
Living in denial won’t really keep your family intact. It won’t heal you. It won’t get rid of the rage inside you that needs some place to go. That rage and the hurt and confusion and all the other stuff you’re feeling will eat away at you until you’re empty, and then not only will you have nothing left to give your marriage, but you’ll have nothing for your children either. Please don’t let that happen. Please go to therapy and deal with this ugliness bravely. Face it head-on. And don’t make any decision about whether to stay with your husband or not until you’ve worked through the stages of grief, including getting angry at him. Really, really angry. Because there is no excuse for what he did. And until you accept that he is just as responsible for having sex with your mother as she is for having sex with him, you aren’t ready to move forward. And the feeling of security and confidence you think you have when you’re with your husband, weeks after learning he screwed your mom while you were asleep in the other room, nine months pregnant with his baby, is false. And that’s not something you can even begin to rebuild trust and a relationship on.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com .

Unwanted_Truth
May 12, 2015, 8:11 am

Whoa…I need to really collect my thoughts before I really can have anything of substance to say….What a cluster fuck….I don’t even know…I feel sooooo bad for you all.
Unfortunately all that comes to mind is a quote from Eddie Murphy back in the day that keeps making me laugh somehow… “Now you got herpes , you carry that shit with you the rest of your life like luggage” that’s all I got…..
Drunk or not, that marriage should be over. No body, to me, no matter the love or kids, house or whatever, is worth it to me to sleep with anyone ever again that has a lifelong std, especially if it were my spouse. Nope nope and NOPE
You do realize LW did say they all tested negative for the disease, right?

Unwanted_Truth
May 12, 2015, 8:50 am

Not the husband. I read that the husband does have it, not the mother or the children.

running.unaware
May 12, 2015, 9:00 am

“(Quick note: He and I and our newborn have been tested for HSV-2 as well as other STDs and have tested negative).”
From the LW: (Quick note: He and I and our newborn have been tested for HSV-2 as well as other STDs and have tested negative).
.
So, it looks like he has been tested negative, but can’t this flare up sometime in the future? Not sure.
ktfran,
If a person has their blood taken for a PCR test, a PCR test looks for all signs/characteristics of the disease and someone can test negative. If you go into your physician and say that you came into contact with someone who as the disease but are not showing any signs, you just want to know first hand, that’s what is done. I’m assuming that is what she did for herself, her newborn, and probably had her husband do. (Or so I hope, for her sake.)
THANK! Because I really don’t know how it all works. So… the blood test will show that you’re negative for herpes and it’s official? You’re negative and don’t have to worry until you make some stupid mistake again?
Exactly, once the test is negative it’s official you won’t magically have a flare up and the disease appears unless you make the mistake again. Once you have sex with someone outside of your relationship, then that official negative is once again at risk of being a positive. These tests are done when babies are born so I truly don’t see why she had him tested. I mean maybe she didn’t know, but I would think her pediatrician would’ve have told her such.
AND for anyone who is interested you have to REQUEST for your doctor to run a PCR test! Don’t be blinded! Be sure you are tested completely with every physical!
I think he told the LW he had it without getting tested first, like he heard MIL had it so he assumed he had it too, then they all got tested.
.
He told the LW about the affair a few days after she told him her mom had herpes. There’s no way we could have gone to the Doc and received the results that fast.

Unwanted_Truth
May 12, 2015, 9:12 am

Ok yea, I went back and re-read. I agree with you 100%. Plus even though he tests Negative now, std’s like that, and HPV, may not even show up for months or years. It wouldn’t show up that fast like you said. Regardless there is no way in hell that person would be sleeping with me again.
Yeah, that’s my understanding of some (most?) std’s. They don’t necessarily materialize of test positively immediately, so he still could be carrying something.
.
And totally agree that this entire situation is fucked up and just plain icky.

mrmidtwenties
May 12, 2015, 9:29 am

That was my understanding, and there are many false positives and negatives for herpes as well.
PCR tests are when your blood is specifically tested for the characteristics and all variables of the disease, so NO, so long as she had one done it won’t be a false negative/positive. I’m assuming a PCR test was done because that’s the only test that can be administered to detect the disease if you aren’t physically showing signs.

Unwanted_Truth
May 12, 2015, 9:44 am

I’m kind of going off course here, but since you seem to know much about this….. I am actually scheduled for a physical this week and wanted to have a full on screening for any and all std’s just for piece of mind, should I mention this “PCR” test also? I assume they will know what I am talking about, I have never heard of it.
Absolutely. They may even ask what specific disease you want to be tested for. It’s as simple as them putting in a Lab Req with the additional test code.
–
I wanted to add that when I state “visual” signs of herpes, you can be tested by having the sores, bumps, blisters or whatever you see, swabbed. The bacteria is then tested. So ktfran, that is one way you can be tested for the disease and it come back as a false negative/positive.
I don’t know why you are obsessing about the husband not contracting the disease, when the real issue is that the husband had sex with the mother! Oh, I said obsessing because you commented that twice (or maybe more than twice).

mrmidtwenties
May 12, 2015, 8:12 am

This is all kinds of messed up. Your husband banged your mom and got herpes from her. Just no, kick him out, right to the curb and worry about your kids and getting as much child support as you can from him because there is something seriously wrong with the both of them, this sounds like it is right out of Jerry Springer.

running.unaware
May 12, 2015, 8:46 am

You all do realize LW did say they all tested negative for the disease, right?
I think by we “all” tested negative, she means the kids and herself. The husband has an STD; that’s what prompted him to tell the LW. Query if he would have ever said anything but for the disease. He sounds like scum.

mrmidtwenties
May 12, 2015, 8:55 am

running.unaware
May 12, 2015, 9:01 am

“(Quick note: He and I and our newborn have been tested for HSV-2 as well as other STDs and have tested negative).”
She does state “He and I” that would include the husband. No?
Hmm, so he lied when he said he had an STD? Maybe he thought he had an STD and that’s why he told her, but ultimately tested negative? Maybe she meant they tested negative for OTHER STDs but he does have herpes from his mother-in-law? (Eww.) These facts, whatever they may be, do not change any of my advice here, which is listen to Wendy.

running.unaware
May 12, 2015, 9:16 am

No, she specifically states that they were tested for HSV-2 which is genital herpes and results were negative.
So then he lied when he said he an STD (read the sentence proceeding the one you keep copying). Or he was mistaken, because he ultimately tested negative. In any event, he clearly THOUGHT he had an STD when he told her – and I’d be he wouldn’t have said a damn thing if he didn’t think he had an STD. But “irregardless” (cue Mean Girls), what does it matter? Nada. She’s ignoring her husband’s own fault in this fiasco. No way to heal or come to terms with anything until she can admit that.
Agree AP it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t have a disease, he still slept with her mother. She has to deal with what he did before she can even begin to forgive him. Maybe that was important in her head because if he had passed on herpes to her or their child there would be no possible way to forgive him for her? Which I could understand, especially with the child.
Yeah the STD is so secondary to the real issue…which HE SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER.
The letter is very confusing in that respect, especially since the fact that he didn’t have it is such a side note but the build up of the story is so great. I think he probably assumed (which come on we all know what happens when you assume!) that he had an STD, but hadn’t actually been tested.

running.unaware
May 12, 2015, 9:22 am

Maybe he was so paranoid and stressed and was seeing things? There is such thing as “stress rash”. Can you imagine if for two weeks straight after finding out his MIL had the disease and he just kept checking and irritating it causing a rash?
Listen, I’m no dog, but I think I would have gotten tested, waited for the results and THEN maybe come clean. I just can’t wrap my head around this one. This is just stuff people can’t make up.

Unwanted_Truth
May 12, 2015, 9:46 am

All could have been avoided if …you know, DON”T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR MIL. I don’t feel once single ounce of pity for HIM or Grandma’

running.unaware
May 12, 2015, 10:01 am

Not defending him in anyway. My MIL drives me up a wall as most MIL’s do, I can’t stand the idea of her staying a night in my house, much less
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Husband Fucked His Mom

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