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Domestic discipline, submission, marriage, relationships
I have probably discussed this in some form already here, but I’ve been thinking about the things that Adam has brought into our marriage and how I now feel I couldn’t possibly live happily without them.
Just what do I get out of my relationship with my take charge, alpha husband? So, so much. The trust we’ve built didn’t happen overnight, but it has developed so beautifully into this deep and solid security knowing that Adam is never going to leave me stranded, alone, or afraid. I can be confident that, no matter what mess I find myself in, I won’t be stuck there by myself. There is also such a relief that comes from the well deserved spankings that I can count on. The guilt, the sadness, the remorse, the frustrations, it sort of readjusts my attitude in a way that makes me feel certain that Adam will be helping to right my wrongs. I feel confident that everything will be ok. I can let go of anger and hurt I’ve put out there. There is a tremendous relief that comes from all of these assurances. Life can get hard. Sometimes, it feels like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. For me, though, I never have to carry a burden by myself. In fact, most often, Adam completely removes from my shoulders all of the weight I carried. Im not a naturally “submissive” person. It took time for me to have this confidence I do now. I used to refuse to give over any of my problems or worries for fear that they wouldn’t be handled right, or would be made worse somehow. It takes a hefty heap of trust to take the passenger seat and allow your partner to figure out where you’re going, and how you’re going to get there. None of this means that I’m never in the “driver’s seat” for myself. Of course I’m capable, willing, and happy to tackle many things on my own. It’s the big stuff I’m talking about. The stuff that keeps you up at night worrying. The stuff that makes your stomach tie in knots. There is such a beautiful thing that happened for me when I finally allowed myself to give Adam these worries. The better I got at sharing my problems, the better he got at helping to solve them. I truly believe it takes real strength to follow your partner, especially in the beginning. The uncertainty about whether and how he’ll go about leading. Questioning every move he makes for awhile. It’s amazing what happens when you finally just step back and have a little faith in him
Apparently, my recent trips across Adam’s lap have revived my ability to self censor my words and choices beautifully. Twice over the last week, I’ve felt that burning desire to say something disrespectful because I was frustrated and didn’t agree with his opinion on the matter. Twice, I have crept up toward crossing the line, and twice, I stopped myself before I got there.
Last night, I passionately disagreed with something. I’m vehemently against sharing personal information with anyone without a darned good reason. By “personal information”, I mean things as simple as giving PetCo my phone number. But, I also am talking about allowing any company to access my medical or financial records, etc. Our health insurance company suddenly required a crazy ridiculous amount of crap to verify our eligibility for Blue Cross. We’ve never had to provide such documents before now, and we’ve always had health coverage. They wanted our birth certificates, our children’s birth certificates, our marriage license…which I was already reluctant about until I heard good reasons for these things. Those documents prove that we are married and our children are ours. I guess I get that, but it’s strange all of the sudden to require things we’ve never been asked for before. It isn’t just us, either. Adam’s entire company asked this of every employee. After providing all of that, they then wanted a copy of our TAX RETURN. Why, pray tell? Well, according to the first representative I spoke to, it is required to show that Adam is not insuring his sister or a relative masquerading as his wife. Ok, but…. they have our marriage license. And they have our birth certificates. Our parents are not the same people. They have our kid’s birth certificates, proving their father and mother are, indeed, Adam and I. I argued these points and they then said it was to verify Adam and I live at the same address. I said, mail me a letter and I’ll mail it back to ya then! Besides all that, we’re clearly married, what difference does it truly make whether we live at the same address as each other? Which, of course, we do. It’s the principle of it all that grinds my gears so badly. They were willing to accept a joint bank statement with our names, address, and the date printed on it. I took the time to edit our statement to block access to our account number, our credits and debits, and our balance because it’s frankly, none of their damn business. Adam was perfectly willing all along to fax our health insurance providers all of the information they asked for, but I clearly wasn’t. This is where I get to report on how well I handled my disagreement, despite having such a guttural reaction to being violated so personally, for reasons that make no sense to me. I did not raise my voice. I did not curse as I explained my position on the matter. I calmly, but very seriously, laid out my reasoning and opinions. This was when Adam finally picked up the phone and called them. This is how we finally resolved the issue by turning over a bank statement with personal information blocked out, rather than our freakin’ income tax return.
I’m sure this will seem petty to some folks. I know I’m a little overboard at protecting my privacy. I won’t allow anything to be handed over without definite and clear reasons to do so. That’s just who I am. I guess I have some trust issues with the world, but can you blame me? Look at how many people are devastated because of leaked personal information! Surely, I’m not completely alone in feeling the way I do. Either way, this was our most recent disagreement, and I think I handled myself well. After we’d finished dealing with Blue Cross, Adam pulled me into his arms. For a brief moment, I was afraid he was about to give my behind some attention. Instead, he hugged me and told me he was proud of me and thanked me for not losing my cool. He might not agree with the extent at which I protect myself from prying eyes, but he understood that this was something I feel strongly about and is important to keeping me feeling safe. We worked it out. Although, I’m still super annoyed about the supposed reasoning for the request from Blue Cross, I’m fully content with my husband and we managed to stay on the same team through it all.
When we talk about the 4 Ds (disobedience, disrespect, disobedience, and danger), I almost never do anything in the “dangerous” category. I’m pretty responsible and love my family way too much to do anything that puts them at risk in some way. I need to be a good example to my children, too. I wear my seatbelt always. I never text and drive. I don’t always go exactly the speed limit, but never had a speeding ticket and always go along with the flow of traffic at about 5-10 miles over the limit. Danger is just not normally something that gets me into trouble. Except yesterday. Curiosity got me, I did something stupid, and I knew better.
There’s one guy in our neighborhood who hangs with some shady characters. One of which, has been in a lot of trouble lately for things like stalking, domestic abuse, harassment, threats, and then last weekend, he ended up having the police and an ambulance take him out of the yard due to suicidal/homocidal threats. We were out back at our house and witnessed all of this, and spoke to our neighbor after the they had left so we learned all the details. Well, after he returned, both our neighbor and Mr dangerous walked across the back yards into ours and Adam kicked Mr dangerous off our property. Told him he needs help. Go get help. But stay away from his family.
This brings us to yesterday’s incident. The day before yesterday, we were informed that Mr danger had been to court and then put in jail. When I saw him over at neighbor’s just the very next day, I was curious. I walked over and made some small talk because I wanted to hear Mr dangerous side of things. Everything I’d heard was second and third person. How did he get out of jail? Why was he actually even sent to jail? It was stupid. I don’t know why I cared. I was out in my back yard with our puppy and saw Mr danger and our neighbor and, at the time, it seemed like a good idea to go chat them up. By now, y’all can probably see where this is going…
I was only gone for about 45 minutes, and Adam doesn’t usually get home from work until later. Yesterday, of course, he happened to be home early. I walked in the back door and bumped right into him. He asked me where I was. I told him, over at the neighbor’s house. He asked who was there. I knew he knew the answer to that question, and it was only then that I stopped to realize I had gone so far over the line. Adam made it clear he doesn’t want this guy around his family. I didn’t respect that. I disobeyed. I disrespected. And I was crossing the line right into dangerous. I typically get defensive when these things happen, even when I know I’m not going to win. I tried to downplay the situation. It didn’t work. Then, I tried admitting it was wrong and apologizing. It didn’t prevent me from being punished, though. I can go for months without getting spanked for punishment. I have somehow managed to find myself bent over my husband’s knees, crying and begging, twice in just the last week or so. This was also the first time he’s ever used his belt on me during a serious spanking. That sucker HURTS like HELL! I screwed up. It wasn’t undeserved. But, my gosh I’m fixing to be on my very best behavior for at least awhile because I don’t want that belt ever again.
Adam and I had a big argument a couple of weeks ago. It all started when a neighbor asked Adam if he would be interested in buying his zero turn lawn mower and named the price. Adam said yes, he was interested and I immediately started to fume!! We don’t have a yard so big here that we need a darned mower like that, AND there’s been some uncertainty around Adam’s company and its future, post corona. I felt it was extremely irresponsible to go spending thousands of dollars on a completely UNnecessary piece of yard equipment. I got a little dramatic because I said, to Adam and our neighbor “seriously? We don’t even know for sure you’re going to have a job next week, but you’re interested in a lawn mower??” I could instantly see on Adam’s face this mixture of hurt and anger. Rather than drop it, however, I continued to make my opinions clear in ways that (admittedly) belittled my husband. There are these rage fueled moments where I do and say things so out of character for me. It’s almost as if I have temporarily lost control of my own mouth.
After our neighbor left, supper was ready. We ate with the kids and my dad and then went our separate ways. Adam went out back to sit and I went downstairs to wallow in my still simmering frustrations. That’s when I decided it was a good idea to text my husband and let him really know how I felt. (As if that hadn’t been done enough at this point.) I wasn’t exactly respectful or considerate in my texts either. Adam responded with a short text back that read “I will do whatever the fuck I want to. I have never let you or the kids down. Enough.” Well, it wasn’t quite enough for me yet. More heated messages were sent from my phone to him, but no more were received on mine. We ended up going to bed ignoring each other that night. I hate that, but I’m also incredibly stubborn and, when I’m in a mood, I just can’t give up that easily.
About 24 hours later, Adam called me to our bedroom and I repeated my own frustrations while he listened patiently. When I was finished, he told me how embarrassed he was when I said that about his work because he’s always made good money and works very hard. I emasculated him. Having him describe how it hurt to hear me say those things snapped me out of the trance I’d been in. I realized how cruel and insensitive I had been with my words. I knew I had a spanking coming, but I also felt I had earned it.
The catharsis that comes after my husband pulls me over his knee and spanks me to tears is the very reason I’m totally on board with this DD thing. I also had a realization that I shared with Adam later. Every single time I’ve acted that way towards him, there was fear and insecurity brewing in me. It’s like there’s a little man on my shoulder telling me “he doesn’t got you”, “Remember when he screwed up that time?”, “YOU need to take charge because he isn’t going to lead well in this situation.” I begin to doubt Adam and his ability to provide and protect our family. I start refusing to submit in an effort to prove to myself just how right that little man on my shoulder is about Adam’s inabilities and failures. For that moment, I lose the trust and faith that make up the very foundation of our marriage. I need Adam to remind me he’s got this. I need him to take a good hold on the reigns and put me back in the passenger seat. I need him to punish me, and then to forgive me so that we can both move forward. Then, I can finally settle into the cozy place where I feel most at peace, right next to my husband.
I’m laying by the pool, watching my kids splash in the water. I’ve got a nice tan started and a couple new bikini swimsuits to wear. Every afternoon that it’s not raining, I go out to the pool and swim with the kids for awhile and then lay out on a floatie in the water or a lounge chair by the pool and work on my tan. I am so incredibly blessed…spoiled even.
I have been hurting this last year and life hasn’t been this carefree every moment. Any second now, something will come along to slap me out of my happy bubble. I’m not exaggerating how difficult it’s been. I might be focusing too much on that, though. As I sit here by the pool, I’m reminded just how good I still have it. I text Adam a picture of the kids splashing and asked him how his day is going. He wrote back “HOT. It’s hot as hell!” Adam will tease me about lounging by the pool all day, but he knows I also keep up with all the things I need to get done at home and with the kids. He’s not really angry that I get to swim on a hot afternoon. I actually think he’s proud that his wife and kids can have a fun summer swimming and playing outside. He’s proud that he is able to provide for our family and allow me to be here with our kids everyday. He’s a great husband and daddy. I sure do have it made. Despite the issues I can’t escape, I still have a pretty fantastic life.
Submission is a gift. I wouldn’t say I was naturally “submissive” before I met Adam. Adam had a confidence that sort of commanded that those close to him follow his lead. It wasn’t a conscious choice I made in the beginning to submit to my husband. The words submit and obey still leave a bad taste in my mouth when I say them out loud. I think society teaches girls that submitting to and obeying a man is to betray womankind altogether. Women fought so hard for equal rights, for the same opportunities as men. I’m absolutely for those things. I chose this man I’m married to. I chose to allow him to lead when I followed him from the start. Some women are born leaders. Some men are submissive. We’re all in charge of our own destiny. I wouldn’t suggest that everyone reading this should think the way I do. I’m only speaking for myself and my relationship. Having said all of that, if you find you’re frustrated with your significant other because they aren’t getting things done, aren’t standing up for you, aren’t throwing you down on the bed and conquering you like you’re the only thing they’ve ever wanted, I have some ideas that might help.
Number 1. Decide you’re going to let go of your need to be in control. If you’re afraid to let him call the plumber about the leaky faucet because he won’t pick the right guy for the job, he won’t be able to explain the problem as well as you, he will just get overcharged…etc. Give him the opportunity to do it his way. Adam never loads the dishwasher my way, but if he loads the dishwasher, and the dishes get done, who cares! Don’t wait expectantly for him to fail either. If he doesn’t get it right, give him the chance to fix his own mistake. If he loves you, if he wants the best for his family, he is not going to make bad decisions just to piss you off.
Number 2. Remind both of you who’s calling the shots. I need Adam to put his big strong arms around me. I need him to hold me down and show me he can get what he wants. I want him to pin my hands above my head and ravish every inch of me. I need him to put me over his knee and leave some handprints on my ass. I find myself tiptoeing over the line sometimes just to find out whether Adam will stop me. Will he notice? Will he punish me? I don’t really want to get away with it. I want him to keep me safe and to notice me when I’m crossing the line. I want him to do something about it when I go too far. By him doing that, I’m reminded that Adam is calling the shots. He’s looking out for me and he isn’t going to let anything bad happen to me.
Number 3. Show him how much you appreciate him. It is fuel for their engine when you acknowledge what they do and say thank you in even the smallest of ways. You can write a note telling him how sexy he looked while he was cutting the grass last night. You can say thank you for working for (x amount of) hours so that I could get this new (thing). Cook his favorite supper for him. Those little acts of encouragement can make all the difference to Adam. He wants to be noticed just like I do.
These are just a few things that work well for Adam and I when we have been “stuck” for awhile. It’s important to me that Adam leads well. It’s at least as important to Adam that he leads well. He wants to make me happy. He wants to do right by his family. It does me good to remember that when I’m feeling frustrated with him.
I’m a confident, sassy, highly intelligent woman. I’ve been blessed with good looks and great hair. I’m witty as hell, decently athletic, and hard working. I could “wear the pants” in my home, and there are times when I have put those suckers on and taken over for awhile. The Bible says that part of Eve’s curse is the desire to rule over Adam and that is passed down to all women for all time. It’s a strange dichotomy I’ve got going on here. Part of me wanting to be in charge because it requires a whole lot of trust to let my husband lead. Part of me wanting to be in charge because I know I’m smart and capable too. Then, a larger part of me deeply desires to have, feel, and see my husband lead. It is hot to see him stand up for
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