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Savage Love
Feb 3, 2020 at 12:15 pm
He Wants to Experience Inescapable Bondage At Least Once Before He Dies
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Savage Love
Dan Savage
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I’m writing to you today because I still think about it all the time and I joined Recon to talk to see if someone would want to tie me up. One of the guys recommended I listen to you. In a video about kink discordance you said kink is sexual. So my question for you is this: Is my desire to be tied up sexual? If so, would be getting tied by anybody other than my wife be a sexual experience?"
I have been tying myself up since I was seven and I stopped before I turned 40 because I was tired of being able to escape and the whole thing had become a bore. But I began searching for someone that would tie me up so that I couldn’t escape. Now I am 50 and I want to be a man of integrity in my relationship with my wife and I am not sure of the best way to move forward.
P.S. I've gotten two kinds of answers from guys on Recon. The first is that unless I tell my wife everything I have no integrity whatsoever. The second is that life is too short and I need to stop overthinking this. But I'm worried about whether this would be cheating. My self-bondage sessions always ended with masturbation. Even now I feel aroused just thinking of bondage. It's very possible I would get hard if somebody else tied me up but I do know that it would have nothing to do with them.
Life is short, BOUND, you're going to be dead one day soon ( we all are ), and you're going to stay dead for a very long time. So go get your ass tied up, dude. And even if you should get sexually aroused during a bondage scene with another man—as you almost certainly will—your wife isn't interested in having sex with you or tying your ass up. So you wouldn't be cheating your wife out of anything she wants, BOUND, which means it wouldn't really be cheating at all.
But in answer to your question: If you tie yourself up and your dick gets hard and then you jack off, your kink is definitely sexual. While most people prefer to indulge their kinks with others they're attracted to sexually, sometimes the kink works—turns them on—all by itself. Which is why there are lots of straight bondage guys into bondage who play with gay men. They're not doing it the gaiety of it, they're not in it for the dick, they're in it (ropes, cuffs, straight jackets, etc.) just there for the bondage of it. (And freeness of it.) So, yeah, I promise you, BOUND, you're not the only straight guy on Recon looking to get tied up.
And there's an easy way to avoid being judged because your wife doesn't know you're getting tied up by other dudes and then having to explain to strangers that you're seeking bondage play outside your marriage because your wife isn't interested in your kink and then having to explain that your activities with men present zero risk to your wife because you don't have oral or anal sex with the men you get tied up by and even if you were sucking their dicks of letting them fuck you—which you aren't—it wouldn't put your wife at risk because your marriage is sexless... and that's by not bringing up your wife at all. A casual bondage play partner you meet for a one-off doesn't need to know you're married, BOUND; so long as you're not presenting yourself as single and interested in romance in addition to bondage—so long as you're making it clear you're only interested in a discreet/discrete bondage scene and nothing else—you're under no obligation to disclose the existence of your wife.
But if you want to be a man of integrity... you should inform your wife that you're seeking bondage, just bondage, outside the relationship. Not sex, not romance, just bondage—and to ensure it's just bondage, you're going to play with men. Then ask her how she'd like to handle it: full and complete disclosure or DADT?
P.S. Did your wife know about your interest in bondage before you pulled that rope out of your bag on your honeymoon? If so, well, okay then. If not, BOUND, that's a hell of thing to spring on someone during a honeymoon.
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We sat on the judo mats in a small studio in downtown San Francisco surrounded by 20 other strangers in yoga clothes. Over the last few months, my husband and I had been exploring different ways of connecting physically and this class in Shibari, an ancient Japanese form of rope bondage, seemed full of possibilities.
Sep 21, 2015, 02:51 PM EDT | Updated Dec 6, 2017
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We sat on the judo mats in a small studio in downtown San Francisco surrounded by 20 other strangers in yoga clothes. Over the last few months, my husband and I had been exploring different ways of connecting physically and this class in Shibari, an ancient Japanese form of rope bondage, seemed full of possibilities.
After we settled in, the couple leading the class began with a short demonstration of him tying her arms together behind her back. It turns out there are certain places one might not want rope burn, so he emphasized the importance of pulling the rope slowly. He also talked about holding it with intention as rope under tension has better energy. The couple was the absolute picture of harmony with her receiving his adoration with all of her being, and him doling out his love in measured and deliberate motions.
Then it was our turn. With some seductive music floating through the studio, I sat with my legs crossed as my husband began the process of learning how to tie a hitch knot. I'm not going to sugar-coat this kiddos... we were NOT the picture of harmony. I tried to provide helpful feedback, "pull the rope more slowly here" or "hold it less taut there", but the more direction I gave, the more frazzled he became.
It may be clear at this point in the story that trust in others is not one of my strengths. My default state is to plan, organize and direct in a very detailed way. I write down the exact brand and fat percentage of the ground turkey that I put on my grocery list. The concept of giving control to others or sitting back and receiving is not comfortable territory for me. Yet that was what I was being asked to do.
Fortunately for my frazzled husband, the instructors ended the exercise, telling us it was time for another demonstration. This was a free-form exploration where he worked rope after rope around her body, binding together various limbs with her torso. After she was fully bound, he reversed the process, with the same measured movements, slowly and beautifully unbinding her from her colorful cocoon.
Again, it was our turn to practice. This time, I tried to keep my mouth shut and trust that my partner could learn this new skill without my verbal feedback. Unexpectedly, it turned into a meditative experience for me. Since I was no longer talking, I was able to shut down the thinking part of my brain and tune into the music and the physical connection between myself, the rope and my husband.
Along the way, as I began to place trust in his actions, my husband seemed to be able to tune into my body and adjust accordingly. For instance, a small squirm from unpleasant tightness in the rope would result in loosening. A purr would result in a pleasant tightening. It felt counter-intuitive that by trusting him and providing less direct feedback that I was actually providing even better feedback, yet there we were.
In the months since our Shibari lesson, I've been able to notice when my control-freak self is getting in the way of some otherwise tantalizing scenes and can pause in that moment and ask myself "What if I were to let him continue on exactly the way he is right now?" And though I'm still demanding as ever in my grocery list, sometimes it now has things on it like 20 feet of red rope.
"Wait, that's it?" Transformation takes time, so I'm intentionally sharing in bite-sized doses that reflect my experience over the last year. I'd love to hear your questions and thoughts, let's continue the conversation in the comments section below. Or visit my blog at downtothere.com
Up until last year, my husband and I led a fairly ho-hum existence in regards to sex and kink. It wasn’t until I accidentally found myself reading an incredibly smutty book that I realized what I was reading wasn’t gross; it was fascinating and I wanted to try everything .
It was a normal Wednesday evening when I brought the book up to my bedroom, where I nervously asked my husband to read a particularly descriptive passage about anal sex and the use of anal beads. Imagine my surprise when he wasn’t disgusted! “So, this is something — we could try? Someday? Maybe?” I said. He laughed and said “ Sure! As long as you’re comfortable with it!” By the end of the week, I was the proud owner of a very pretty butt plug, some heavy-duty lube and my husband was in possession of my butt-sex virginity.
Here’s what I’ve figured out about getting your kink on with a lover: Unless you meet on a fetish forum or get real drunk with each other, your secret desires to be spanked, whacked, choked, and manhandled will probably go unspoken. Imagine turning to your lover right now and saying, “Tonight I would like you to slap my tits until they bruise.”
What would happen? Would someone’s head explode? Would you feel judged? Would your lover even know what tit slapping was? IT’S SUCH A RISK! So how does a happy and healthy sexually active couple go about figuring out the hard and soft limits of their sexuality? If you lead a fairly vanilla life chances are you’re completely unaware to just how much pleasure there is to be had out there. But how do you go about approaching the subject?
Yes, porn is getting a bad rap lately, and it should — I’ve watched porn destroy many a relationship because it was either kept secret or abused to the point where the lines between reality and porn blur into a muddled mess of pain and confusion for everyone involved.
But I’ve learned that porn, when viewed with my husband, can actually be wonderfully beneficial to both of us. It helps that we’re both open-minded in regards to sex but we still find it easier to find new positions and ideas from porn than trying to describe what we think we’d like.
Here are some of our favorite pornographic pleasures:
1. Girl-on girl. Girls are soft, girls are pretty, girls are generally less aggressive than men are, and let’s be honest — girls know what girls like because girls have the same parts as other girls. My husband enjoys watching two girls together because he is guy; I enjoy watching because I have a pretty strong desire to make out with a girl one day.
2. Tit-slapping. I had heard of it, but never considered it until I watched it and my brain and body made the connection that “Hey, I think I’d like that.” My husband was ecstatic as it was something he had always wanted to try but was too shy to ask about. What is tit-slapping? It’s exactly what it sounds like: basically having your boobs spanked.
3. Girl/guy bondage. Preferably the guy tying up the girl. I love being submissive to my husband, so seeing other women being submissive to their lovers is a turn-on for both of us. I especially love elaborate rope ties, as it is more of a focused art form rather than just a hasty, easy-to-break-free-from handkerchief to a headboard.
4. Super-oily, naked massages. If there were one scene I would never opt out of, it would be having big warm hands all over my oiled and naked body. I don’t even care about getting knots out; I just want strong hands all over me. It’s a hard one to recreate in the bedroom because cleaning that amount of oil out of or off of anything would ruin it for me.
5. Sensual, slooooow kissing. Kissing seems so basic and boring, I mean, most of us have been doing it since we were horny teenagers. But a good kiss, one that goes slow, where you’re breathing in another person? Those are the kinds of kisses that get us all hot and bothered. Anyone can slam their body parts together but to kiss like you mean it requires a level of passion and intimacy that can’t be found with just anyone.
Now that you know what we’re into (no judgment!), here are a few helpful suggestions that have worked for us to make watching porn less awkward and more amazing:
I realize guys are audio and visual but I am visual only. Corny dialogue and music only distract me from what is really going on — plus it’s easier for my husband to tell what I’m really into when everything is quiet. I have a bad habit of doing terrible voice-overs if I don’t like what we’re watching. If I’m quiet, it’s usually a good indication that I’m interested in what’s going on.
While watching, our discussions usually involve simple statements like “Please never do that to me” or “I wouldn’t hate it if you tried that on me.” We both laugh at the outlandish positions — what is it with men going down on women who just happen to be doing a headstand? NOPE — and hum in agreement on positions we know we like.
It’s also important to go into more detail if there was something one of us would like to try: When would you want to try it? Where would you want it to happen? What toys or preparation would you need to complete before it could happen? While we’re at it, now is also a good time to discuss your safe words!
There is A LOT of porn out there, and it is categorized down to the tiniest detail. If we don’t both enjoy what we’re watching, we change the video! If one of us really likes a particular scene but the other is slightly horrified? We’ll have a discussion about what it is they like about the scene, then narrow down our searches to even more specific details.
We both agree quality is key — there’s no reason for us to watch terribly lit porn and shoddy camera work — which narrows down our choices immensely. Same goes for costuming, who really does the dishes in a tiny skirt, high heels and no underpants? We prefer our porn to be *slightly* realistic.
There is an entire world to explore on the other side of your safe search filter, when explored honestly and with healthy curiosity in mind — it can open up a whole new world to couples who believe their sex lives to be dead in the water.
Even if you don’t end up living out a real life porn scene, you’ll at least have the fodder for a spirited discussion on what each of you is into (which may very well lead to a horizontal display in the bedroom).
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