Husband Bi Sex
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Husband Bi Sex
By Zachary Zane Published: Sep 8, 2022
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"I really think he’s experimenting and lying to me about it."
I'm Zachary Zane , a sex writer, author, and ethical boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it). Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner" because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form .
My husband of seven years recently came out to me as bi but seems very confused about what he wants. When he told me, I thanked him and told him he was really brave. I also said I accept him for whoever he is and absolutely meant it. I love him more than anything.
We had two counseling sessions, but I found them extremely hard emotionally and had to stop. He mentioned an open marriage one day, and the other said he might be polyamorous. These are two different things. Maybe at the time, he just didn’t know how he felt, but maybe he did?
Long story short: He asked for a separation a few months ago. I took the request badly and felt really upset and basically abandoned. We didn’t talk about what the separation meant, but I did ask that if he wanted to become sexually intimate with someone else, we’d have a conversation first.
We didn’t stop being in contact with each other and are now dating again after three months. He mentions things like: “If we get back together…” but nothing more concrete. We are not intimate, and he seems uninterested, which isn’t normal. He is a sexual person, so I believe he is getting satisfaction elsewhere. However, he tells me he still thinks I’m extremely attractive and compliments my body. It all just feels a bit shitty, and I’m not sure whether to say I feel disrespected. I really think he’s experimenting and lying to me about it.
Do you have any advice for me? I love this man so much and want to support him and his new identity so he can be happy, but I don’t want to be walked over. I feel like everything happened so fast, but he hasn’t yet opened up to me to let me know anything more than I knew months ago. I’m hesitant to push.
I can tell how scared you are of losing your husband, but it might be the only path forward for both of you to have fulfilling love lives. I really don't think you'll ever go back to the monogamous relationship you once had, so you have to decide whether you feel like experimenting with non-monogamy or letting each other go.
To clarify, as I don't want to perpetuate any stereotypes: Not all spouses who come out as bi want to start sleeping with other people. I'm just going off what you told me, which is that he's talked about polyamory and open relationships; you suspect he's experimenting with other partners; and he's gone so far as to ask for a separation. Sad as it is to accept, these are not the actions of someone who wants to return to their old monogamous marriage. (For what it's worth, I'm sure your husband still loves you, too, despite his recent behavior; it can be challenging to embark on a new sexuality journey when you feel tethered to someone else and smothered by your old way of life.)
You two need to give each other space— real space—to figure out what you both really want. You said you spoke every day when you were separated, and now, you vaguely refer to a future where you're back together. It sounds to me like your desire to go back to "normal" and your husband's guilt about upending your marriage are holding you both back from what you truly want.
So here's what I recommend: Take the pressure off each other to reach an immediate solution, cut off communication for three months, and do some personal soul searching on whether monogamy or non-monogamy is right for you—ideally with the help of a therapist.
If you decide you want monogamy, I'd encourage you to move forward with divorce—a "conscious uncoupling," if you will, because you'll be doing it on good terms! You can still love and support him in his sexuality journey, but you'll be doing so from a distance, as a friend, and not as his wife. And you'll be free to find a partner who loves you unconditionally and also wants monogamy.
If you both come back committed to opening your relationship, that's valid, too. Remember that an open relationship isn't a free-for-all, and you'll need to set some ground rules. Here are a few questions you can ask one another to guide the conversation:
I also recommend reading Polysecure , Attached , and More Than Two , and checking out our open relationship guide for more expert tips on how to make your arrangement work.
One more piece of advice: I also would recommend you go back to couple's therapy. I'm a little confused as to what happened the first time. You mention therapy got "extremely hard emotionally," so you had to stop—why? Was it because you couldn't accept the reality that the man you love does not want a monogamous relationship? Running away from uncomfortable emotions will set you up to fail in the long run, because you're not actually dealing with any of your problems.
Be prepared that opening up your relationship will be "extremely hard emotionally." You'll get jealous. You'll cry. You'll both make mistakes. It will require constant communication, and there’s no guarantee that it will work out long-term. But if you’re both up for it, I mean really up for it, you can absolutely try.
If you're not, split up. There's no "right" answer, but you'll have to pick one of the two options after giving each other space. Otherwise, you'll remain in this unsatisfying limbo forever.
Zachary Zane is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and co-author of Men’s Health Best. Sex. Ever. He writes “Sexplain It,” the sex and relationship advice column at Men’s Health , and is editor-in-chief of the BOYSLUT Zine, which publishes nonfiction erotica from kinksters across the globe. His work has been featured in New York Times, Rolling Stone , Washington Post , Playboy , and more.
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