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In hindsight, it should've seemed inevitable that a penis would be a discussion point in a sex-tape trial, and yet here we are, surprised about Hulk Hogan.
Hogan said his former friend, radio personality Bubba The Love Sponge, filmed his wife and Hogan having sex without Hogan's knowledge or consent. He's suing Gawker Media, which published the tape, for $100 million in damages and took the stand for the second day on Tuesday.
A consistently funny, bizarre element of Hogan's testimony was his constantly trying to differentiate between Terry Bollea, human being, and Hulk Hogan, wrestler and entertainer. He's trying to say that they're separate entities, with Bollea being owed a level of privacy, particularly in his home, that Hogan is not.
A video of him having sex, Hogan argues, firmly falls on the Terry-end of the spectrum, but the line is blurry. It came up several times, and it was all fairly confusing; Hogan's stance, at its essence, is that plenty of the time — like while having sex with his friend's wife — he's Terry. Establishing that is vital to his case.
"If Hulk Hogan had any privacy, I give that up when I walk out the front door as a character," he said. "I’m concerned about Hulk Hogan’s privacy but I kind of gave it away.
“But in the privacy of my own home, I’m Terry Bollea, and nobody invades my privacy in my own home or in a private setting with my friends.”
During cross-examination, that debate assumed the form of his genitals. Gawker's attorneys played audio of Hogan on Bubba The Love Sponge's show years before the sex-tape scandal, saying that if listeners supported his daughter Brooke's music career, he'd reveal the size of his penis. It, Hogan implied on the radio, is a large penis indeed.
"I’ve got size-15 feet," he said. "I wear a size-15 wedding ring. You figure it out."
So, the question goes, if he's on the radio, talking about his penis, isn't he ... opening the door? The penis door, specifically. Nope, Hogan said — that was Hulk talking about his penis. Terry has, apparently, a penis all his own, and apparently of a more modest variety. This led to one of the greatest three-sentence combos in recent history.
"I do not have a 10-inch penis," he said. "I do not, seriously. Terry Bollea’s penis is not 10 inches."
Sometimes he's Terry, and sometimes he's Hulk, and sometimes he's Terry and Hulk — like when he went on Howard Stern a few days after Gawker posted the video. At the time, Hogan was doing a promo tour for TNA wrestling that was, it seems, coincidentally timed. Anyway, Terry or Hulk or Terry-Hulk or whoever talked about his penis then, too, because Stern asked about the sex tape.
On the show, Hogan sounded upset enough about it, but he also, as he said, "followed (Stern's) lead" and had some fun.
“I was just going along with it," Hogan said. "He actually had me laughing for a change ... I was joking about my penis, that’s what I was joking about."
Or, "the tripod": "Maybe instead of dropping the leg on people’s neck (at the TNA event) I’ll start dropping something else," Hogan said. "The tripod.”
“I didn’t have a problem discussing (the 'tripod')," Hogan said Tuesday. "I was trying to move through the interview as best I could. When you’re under that type of heavy fire from someone who pushes that hard on you, you’re praying that you can move on, get to the next subject and eventually accomplish what you’re there for.”
“As the character, we can talk about the tripod. I’ve body-slammed elephants. I’ve surfed on tiger sharks. Those are all lies. I’ve pulled bumpers off Cadillacs, Jack. Those are all lies. That’s Hulk Hogan saying that, it’s character-driven."
In other words, that was Hulk Hogan talking about Terry Bollea's penis, which is less than 10 inches but also tripod-comparable. How much penis talk can you engage in and still maintain some expectation of penis-related privacy? That's part of the jury's job. Good luck!
Hogan also talked a fair bit about farts — Reality TV farts added in post-production for dramatic effect, specifically. (He is in favor of them.)
This is all in line with Gawker's attempt to depict Hogan, in the instance of the sex tape, as being selectively embarrassed and, the implication goes, financially motivated; how upset could Hogan be, really, when his reality TV show included a scene of him on the toilet?
Simple — that was Hulk farting, not Terry, and plus, the farts weren't even real.
Gawker attorney: “So you weren’t embarrassed being depicted on national TV sitting on the commode with your pants around your ankles?”
Hogan: “They put a farting sound effect in there. It was tongue-in-cheek. You have to take it for what it’s worth when you’re being entertained."
As for Hogan's thoughts on the sound itself: “It was kind of funny when they put the sound effect in, yes.” Agreed.
That sums up Hogan's attitude toward his TV show in general; on re-direct, he compared the show's level of scriptedness to a movie. Apparently, "Hogan Knows Best" is as real as "Trainwrecked," which Hogan saw and brought up as an example. He forget the name of the movie but remembered more than half of the name of its star. That's not bad — if there's one thing the last two days have proved, it's that Hogan's memory is comically awful.
“(This movie I saw but forgot the name of) had a friend of mine, John Cena, and I went to see the movie because John Cena was in the movie," he said.
"Then all of a sudden they’ve got John Cena on top of a comedian, some Amy Schumacher (sic), having sex with this woman in the movie. It kind of caught me off guard, but I understand it’s part of the story line and the plot."
Same deal with this trial; Hulk Hogan talking about his penis may kind of catch you off guard, but understand — it's part of the story line and the plot.
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