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Where can anyone go to really be free from hyper-sexuality or sexual addiction in Calgary?
Have you been struggling with an online sex addiction for years?

Have you resorted to meeting random people on Craigslist, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, Omegle or Ashley Madison?

Do you feel like you are addicted to porn or anonymous sexual encounters?

Are you looking to see a psychologist for help with getting your sex addiction under control?

Has your sexual libido dropped off with your wife or husband?

Are you seeking to sustain the excitement by imagining yourself in erotic or even in pornographic films?

What does it mean to be truly free?
If you join a 12-step program like SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous Calgary), SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) or go with a 12-step based, Patrick Carnes trained Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (C-SAT) you will be repeatedly told that addiction simply is not a class anyone graduates from and that no one ever breaks completely free of any addiction.

A similar posture is often mirrored in marriage counselling: Some of the couples counselling Calgary has to offer in the area of sexual addiction will paint an equally hopeless picture with the relationship therapist usually suggesting that, "Once an addict, always an addict," is an unassailable truism. Even some of the Christian therapists in Calgary will shift what was marriage counselling into divorce counselling as soon as porn addiction or hyper-sexuality and the associated affairs or infidelity are discovered.

Meanwhile, the DSM-5 Diagnostic Manual of Statistics and Mental Disorders has removed sexual addiction as a mental disorder or mental disease entirely and many of the sex therapists Calgary offers will regard the use of the (dubious, though popular) term, "Sex addiction," as evidence of religious moralizing. Yet, many still regard those who suffer from such as having, "Just decided," to break trust in their relationships. (Thus, they then deserve punishment by way of the loss of that relationship?) Read More

Quite naturally, a throughly confused public often flees from those various sources of counselling in Calgary into the above Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous programs and settle for a teeth-gritted strategy of just trying harder. Many times, this is coupled with attempts to kill off their supposedly-diseased sexualities all-together - while their spouses end up in Al Anon type groups and their marriages drift further and further apart.

It almost goes without saying that there's something desperately wrong here...

One little known fact about recovery programs is that even the best case evaluations of many popular 12-step based addiction treatment programs still repeatedly show a failure rate (over a variety of time periods) of around 70%. (The worst case assessments of many of those treatments generally report success rates that statistically seem to differ little from doing nothing.) Read More
The whole thing begs a rather blunt question:
Why does anyone still believe in 1930's era philosophies which offer so little hope?


What's even more confusing about this rather sad state of addiction recovery is that we already knew better a long time ago. When we look at psychological research based treatment programs such as St. Jude's Sober-Forever program (mostly focused on just the cognitive 20% of the problem) that provide treatment in a competent and psychologically well founded manner, what we find is that therapy success rates shoot up to a repeatedly-verified level of over 60% favourable outcome in overcoming addiction, from just that 20% increase in effective psychologically based treatment!

It got us wondering: What could be possible if we even just merged that effective cognitive approach with only the bare minimum couples and family therapy Calgary has everywhere? What if we also tried to address the entire 80% remaining? And, what if we went far beyond just that bare minimum and did all of it really well?

Maybe there actually is huge hope for the healing of sexual addictions!

Cal and Roslyn Henze (Cal is a Registered Psychologist and both are Registered Christian Counsellors)

When, twenty years ago, Ros and I first opened our practice here, we almost immediately went to work building a program in a Lutheran Church we attended. Every Thursday night, we closed down and took over the entire building creating a confidential environment to walk around 80 people per year out of their struggles with addiction and compulsive sexuality. It provided the perfect laboratory to test all of the addiction recovery theories and techniques we had learned in graduate school as we were pursuing our Master's Degrees in Psychology and Counselling.

It was there we discovered that doing research in the treatment of compulsive sexuality didn't necessarily require research grants, writing papers or methods of statistical analysis. It simply required the intellectual honesty to try those techniques on a group and then, a few weeks or months later, look in the mirror and admit to ourselves:

"That was completely useless and I can't believe I ever thought that would work!"

Unfortunately, what we discovered is that practically nothing we and many other Calgary Counsellors of the time were trained in accomplished much of anything. And, worse yet, no matter how perfectly we executed all of that training, sometimes people actually got hurt. Read More

The Calgary couples sex counselling we offer is a direct result of that period of exploration and honest self reflection - as well as the years of nearly constant research and learning we pursued as we sought to develop our practice to provide the best marriage counselling Calgary could offer and merge it with addiction treatments and a faith based perspective that went far beyond the norm that most Calgary therapists of the time were practicing.

So, if you are thinking about seeing a psychologist in Calgary to help you address issues of compulsivity in the area of sexuality, what are the five core areas of wholistic psychotherapy those Calgary counselling services absolutely must address?

The majority of North American addictions treatment has and continues to pursue what is called, "The Control model," of addiction treatment. Control Model treatment programs are programs that start with the assumption that addiction is a disease that you catch from exposure to addictive substances or behaviours and, once you catch it, you will always live with a disordered brain wrapped up in the constant search for dopamine (Or whatever the "problem" neurotransmitter of the day is said to be.) It holds that your health or sickness level is determined by the presence and/or frequency of engagement with a given substance or activity and that the best you can do is attempt to manage the problem (mostly through avoiding those addictive substances or behaviours.) They promote lifelong treatment, the belief that addictive substances cause people to lose control, unleash inhibitions, make people diseased and cause them to live out of control lives.
Unfortunately, the Control Model rarely works:

It's big, powerful and so visible most people don't know there is any other model. Yet, so many peer reviewed studies repeatedly confirm that Control Model treatment programs for addiction are largely ineffective. Conversely, other researchers have, over and over again, demonstrated that Cognitive Based and Trauma focused Programs do work - especially in conjunction with a whole-life focused movement towards physical, emotional, mental and relational wellness. Those social scientists have clearly shown us that, not only can addiction be arrested without constant attendance at meetings and teeth-gritted effort, but that some people can even cease to be addicts entirely. So, what do those Cognitive Based and Trauma focused programs entail?

We believe that effective psychological counselling for addiction starts with two core assumptions:

FREEDOM - You were created as an agent of free will in the universe and can embrace the power to make choices for yourself, can learn to alter your thinking, develop skills to more effectively cope with pain and stress and become a more knowledgeable and empowered person who is capable of getting legitimate needs met in legitimate ways that will help you to cease addiction and build the life you want.
TRAUMA - While stress and trauma do not cause addiction, they do alter the the hearts and minds of people in significant and damaging ways that easily make addictive behaviours seem like the only way of reducing stress, re-regulating a dysregulated brain and providing the feeling of being safe and secure in love. And, this damage can be undone to a very significant degree.
There are two equal and opposite lies constantly promoted within the addiction recovery culture: The first is that addiction is a choice (and you'll make better choices once we punish you) and the second is that addiction is a disease that you were born with (because you have messed up genes, a miss-wired brain or were overstressed as a child or something...)

Those lies have inflicted incredible damage. The choice model is just a continuation of bad parenting techniques based on punishment (and jail based time-outs because we really don't want to be around you) while the second simply ignores the reality that stress is a normal part of life and that everything a person is seeking though their addictive behaviours (motivation, affection, love, pain reduction etc) are completely normal human longings.
In other words, every addict simply wants to feel human!
Healthy Relationships: The opposite of addiction.
If we grow up in a healthy environment, we grow up with an accurate understanding of relationships, the ability to make decisions, skills at enriching our own lives, the ability to manage/regulate stress and the knowledge of how to regulate our autonomic nervous systems. What we really should be asking is why didn't the addict grow up with that and why does he or she have so much pain that need to escape is overpowering?

In other words, the first question is not, why is there addiction. The question is, why is there that much pain and so little skill in managing it?

Quite obviously, if people are seeking to feel human, it's because they DON'T feel human...

Addiction is never the core of the problem nor is it the primary problem. It's just an attempt to regulate the autonomic nervous system. Addiction really has only three purposes: To reduce pain, simulate connection and alleviate stress. We either put substances into our bodies or we engage in behaviours that release our own natural drugs called Endorphins. (The word, "Endorphin," stands for: Endogenous Opioid Like Substance.) Read More

In the life of a child, traumatic events do not add up - they multiply in terms of creating risk factors for addiction. And, even when a child is not overtly abused, neglect can often have exactly the same impact. For example: the brain is designed with a neural expectancy of attuned emotional emotional coregulation with a parent and, when the child does not get it, that emotional abandonment is experienced as traumatic. Lack of responsive parental interaction is an assault on the nervous system. A child not getting attuned and responsive connection from his or her parent IS ALONE A SIGNIFICANT ADVERSE EVENT IN THE LIFE OF A CHILD! Sometimes we are traumatized by experiencing what we should not have (E.g. Sexual abuse,) but, mostly we are traumatized by not experiencing what we should have.

Popular media seems to have the idea that addicts are somehow different from "normal" people. But, I've never met one who fits that stereotype - even if they believe themselves to be weird and shameful to the very core. Their addictions had nothing to do with anything abnormal about them and their addictive behaviours were absolutely normal responses to abnormal circumstances.

The compulsive behaviour that is commonly termed "Sexual Addiction," then, should actually be seen as an ineffective attempt to meet a very real need: self-medicating trauma. We believe that credible addiction treatment actually starts, rather counter intuitively, with honouring addiction! When a person resorts to addictive behaviour, it's because that behaviour or substance does something for the person that they need. We need to deeply understand what that need is before we can begin to meet it in a more effective manner and we need to normalize that need or the self punishment will continue. No one will even begin to really heal while engaged in ruthless self punishment, much less be able to fully understand the incredibly deep needs and savage wounding that the addictive behaviour is an attempt to address.

We repeatedly find that, when our clients can walk free of that shame and guilt and begin to understand and validate the intention of their addiction, then the focus shifts from self punishment towards learning skills to manage life, pain and relationships. There is incredible power in being able to say, "You know, I experienced X abnormal event without the tools to deal with it, so I ceased to risk growing up and turned to Y instead - and I can change that." Contact us today!


No one will give up any addiction until they can believe that those unmet needs and deep wounds can be met some other way. Learning how to reconnect with yourself, distinguish between relief and fulfillment, pursue meaning and satisfaction, and take ownership of the responsibility to care for your own self are just a few of the steps on that journey.
But, that's only part of the picture! Again, though they do not cause addiction, emotional pain and stress do play a huge role in addiction. Stressful circumstances and relational/emotional distress are normal parts of life that addicts and non-addicts alike endure. It's only when those experiences are mishandled (usually, through false beliefs about such) that addiction becomes a factor. A core part of addictions counselling and sex therapy for sexuality related addiction involves learning to handle stress in a very different manner.

The critical role stress plays in addiction, however, is also central to understanding why we often merge our Calgary Couples Counselling with Addiction Therapy. In the most simple of terms, human beings were never designed to cary emotional pain alone. In many ways, addiction can be seen as an attempt to deal with emotional and relational problems without trusting emotionally connected relational intimacy to do so or meet our heart needs. Helping our clients learn how to endure and hold emotional pain when it arises is nearly impossible unless we can also help them put love in order and learn to trust another person 
Here's a simple foundation: Almost no one ever breaks free of hyper-sexuality or sexual addiction without learning how to enter relationship in the most deep and genuine sense.
Humans are fundamentally relational beings. Due to the simple fact that the fully developed head would never make it down the birth canal, the human infant is essentially born into a larval state that lasts for about the next six weeks to three months. But, even in that larval state, the very first moments of human life and the actions associated with them are profoundly relational in nature. The infant's eyes are designed to focus straight ahead at the exact distance the mother's face would be when nursing her newborn child and, almost from the moment of birth, those little eyes search for the face of mother. Many infants refuse to nurse unless they can both see the mother's face AND the mother is making eye contact with with the child.

If you look at the Bible's Genesis narrative of the creation of man, you see a similar theme: God makes Adam and sets him to his first task: naming all of the animals. Adam finishes naming the last animal and reaches the conclusion, "There's no one here just like me." God then makes His first negative statement about his creation, "It is not good for Man to be alone." It's an obvious observation - though not really the interesting part. The interesting part is what God says by His actions: "I choose not to fix that. I'm not going to make it OK for man to be alone." Instead, God creates Eve. The message is exactly the same: We were made for community and intimate relationship. The Relationship Counselling Calgary that we offer is based on one simple truth:
It's NEVER going to be good for people to be alone.
Time for Calgary Couples Counselling?
Yet, so much of the addiction recovery community basically ignores marriage, and sometimes denigrates its value to addiction treatment. So often, I get people coming into my office saying things like, "Well, I do want my __________ to heal - but I want him or her to do it for themselves." Think about the distorted world-view reflected in that statement for a moment. The message is very simple: Forget going for couples counselling, you need to figure out some way to be a whole person WITHOUT relationship, in order to be eligible FOR or deserving of relationship.

Really? There are countless things that I have changed in my life that I would have NEVER changed for anyone other than my wife Roslyn - or, perhaps, my children. She has healed me in deep and profound ways and I am in no way the same person I was before she entered my life. I've healed because of relationship, for relationship and, often, in spite of myself! How, exactly, is that healing and transformation invalid because it wasn't for myself?

Control model programs often live this belief out in real time with a tendency to avoid even addressing marriage, much less offering marriage counselling. People are segregated, spouses are placed in different groups from the designated addict, addicts are encouraged not to share with their partners (and get a sponsor instead) and couples are often encouraged to get separate therapists and attend separate sessions - often with vague hints that having the same therapist working with both partners in the same session on both couple and individual issues would somehow be unethical. (It's not!!!) See more by clicking here: Marriage Counselling Calgary. 

Again sexual addiction is an attempt to get relief from unmet relational needs met without ever trusting another person enough to have them fulfilled. Trusting them with what? With our emotional world. With our deepest thoughts. With our biggest wounds. With our most intense needs. With our most passionate longings. With our most intense anger. With all of ourselves!!!

The thing is, trusting another person is scary for anyone. Levels of relational trauma, experienced either through abuse or abandonment, are often relatively equal in romantic partners - and that only increases the difficulty of that trust. That's agonizingly true if your partner or spouse has already been deepl
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