How to stop being a pushover!
Are you tired of being nice? Are you tired of being pushed around and not being able to fulfill your needs? Let's talk about how to STOP being a pushover!
Negative effects of being a pushover
Being a pushover, or being overly nice which is the same thing, is actually a bad thing. You might think you are doing people a favor by helping them, but in the process, you are getting taken advantage of. To cure yourself of being a pushover, you have to cure yourself of being overly nice.
Now, let's talk about the negative effects of being a pushover which I will explain below:
I) If you are always giving, people will expect that of you.
if you don’t set boundaries, you will be viewed as a doormat and taken advantage of. Valuing yourself, making sure your needs are met, and establishing limits do not mean that you do not have sympathy for those around you. It just means that your needs are important as well!
I heard from people I know that they thought that people would like them better and see them as more valuable if they gave as much as they could. Instead, they found out that people appreciated it less. Those around us will value us as much as we value ourselves. As they began to set limits and ask for help when they needed it, people began to notice and appreciate their contributions more.
II) You will develop unrealistic expectations of others.
When you are being 'too nice' to others, you develop unrealistic expectations for them to do the same. When they do not meet these expectations, you may become angry and resentful.
I have noticed this in my own life. I would go above and beyond for any of my friends, and I took it personally when they were not willing to do the same for me. What I did not understand was that they were taking care of their own needs and that it was my responsibility to do the same for myself!
III) People will come to you only when they need something.
When you are too nice to people, they will only see you as a means to an end. People will only come to you when they think you can help them because they are seeing you only as a tool to help them meet their goals. This pattern can spiral out of control if you do not set boundaries to nip it as soon as it starts.
I saw this pattern starting in my own life, and it quickly became overwhelming. Being able to gently say “no,” without providing too many reasons or arguing it, was key. At times, I would offer to help the person get themself organized so that they could help themself, or I would refer them to other people and resources.
IV) You will forget about being kind to yourself.
When you are busy taking care of everyone else, you will forget to be kind to yourself. This can lead to your basic needs not being met, and spiraling into depression, anxiety, and burn-out
I found that my over-giving distracted me from the sources of pain and suffering that were within me. I was seeking validation externally, and I did not believe that I had any value outside of other people’s opinions of me. When I backed off on the constant giving, I was able to spend some time looking within and learning to rely on myself for validation. In the end, this allowed me to be more kind and understanding.
V) You will be seen as being weak.
Being too nice can lead other people to see you as being weak. Not only can this result in other people taking advantage of you, but it can also lead people to not see you as a strong leader or authority. Think of it this way, women aren't attracted to 'nice' guys, and men don't respect 'nice' guys because being nice isn't a virtue!
When I talk to 'nice' men, I immediately have a feeling of disgust, since it's not a natural virtue to act nice as a man. Being compassionate or respectable is.
VI) You will attract needy people
When you are too nice you will attract people who are needy and manipulative. These people see an opportunity to take advantage of you because you have not established boundaries with them.
I have noticed this in several relationships of friends. My friends were doing everything in their power to keep their girlfriends happy, and I noticed the more they did this the more the girlfriend started putting out demands. It's okay to be a good partner and to be there for your girlfriend but it's mandatory to let them know that you will only be able to support them to a certain extent.
VII) People will not trust you
Because so few people are truly nice, when you are too nice, people will wonder if you have an ulterior motive. You are likely to be met with mistrust, which will lead to difficulties in establishing relationships.
I found this out when I talked to my former housemate several years ago. He was always so nice, to the point that I thought he was homosexual and was hitting on me. Turns out he was trying to be overly nice because he feared that I would leave him.
VII) You may become needy.
When you are not meeting your own needs, you will subconsciously seek to get those needs met in other places. This can result in clingy, needy behavior in relationships, as well as constantly seeking validation.
I found that, surprisingly, the former housemate of several years ago also was very clingy. The moment I came home he wanted to talk about his day and wanted to know what I'd done. He also made sure to ask what plans I had on the weekends. You can imagine that behavior is annoying. What helps clingy people is to find exciting things in their lives, like hobbies or sports, and to increase their self-confidence.
IX) You become more likely to engage in addictive behaviors.
When you are not able to see your own value within yourself, you are more likely to engage in addiction-type behaviors in order to deal with stress. When you are constantly over-giving, you may seek escape by overspending, overeating, or other similar behaviors.
Surprisingly, the housemate I told you about was engaging in a lot of the behaviors I mentioned above. Spending too much money, indulging in junk food, and watching Netflix for six hours a day. Once you start seeing the value in yourself, your addiction will lessen. Value yourself first, then you will start valuing others around you.
Now, I sneaked some methods in the paragraphs to fix your niceness so that you will become less of a pushover. Let's talk about the opposites of being a pushover, and thus what you should focus on!
The opposite of being a pushover
There are three characteristics that should be focused on, helping you become not nice! These are:
I) Power
When you have the power you can choose your own direction, action, and destiny in life. You will also feel equal to others when you have power. The moment you feel equal to others is the moment you won't be pushed around anymore!
II) Boldness
Having boldness gives you the ability to dive into the unknown. Also being bold voices YOUR needs and wants. When you voice your needs and wants, just like most people, you are letting others know what you feel and need at the moment. Leading you to stand firm in the eyes of confrontation.
III) Authenticity
The ability to be you. Being authentic means you will also be true to yourself, which will help you identify which behaviors aren't helping you in your life. Once you know what behaviors aren't helping you in your life, because they might strengthen the characteristics that make you a pushover, you will be able to disregard them!
These three characteristics can be given as a gift, meaning people might be born with them. But the fact that you are reading this article means you probably haven't been born with these three characteristics. There is good news though, the three characteristics written above are all attainable with a strategy!.
A strategy? YES! There is a strategy that will give you the power, boldness, and authenticity that you desire and thus throwing away your ability to be a pushover.
Strategy to eliminate excessive niceness
There is a three-step guide that will transform you into a powerful, bold, and authentic person, shedding the niceness you are carrying around. This strategy is extremely simple, but it's a hard process where you will make mistakes but ultimately will triumph.
Three-step guide:
I) Decide not to be nice in any situation.
Make the decision today that you will NEVER be nice again, regardless of the situation. Now, this doesn't mean that you should yell at your mother when she asks you to do something. But it does mean that you start to listen to your wants and needs and express them. Remember, you can be respectable and compassionate without being nice!
II) DO the not nice stuff that makes you scared and uncomfortable
This is the hard part. Now it's you against you! it's your fears and doubt's that will be felt within when you start to not be nice in situations. you will start to back down, and go back to your safe behavior of just being 'nice' but you have to resist and do the right thing at the right moment!
For example, Your colleague needs help with a project he has. However, you will be the only one working on it, meaning the colleague is giving you HIS work so he can have less himself! Your past self would say 'sure, I do that!' because that's what a 'nice guy' would do. However, you dread doing other people's work (which is logical, they can do it themselves!). So this time, you remembered that you won't be nice in any situation. So you start being powerful and bold and say to the colleague 'I don't want to do your project, I am busy doing my own. You can ask others if they could help'. This will make you feel very scared and uncomfortable, but you have to be powerful and bold because chances are the colleague will keep pushing. That's when you repeat yourself 'As I said just a moment ago, I don't want to do your project, I am busy doing my own. ask someone else' The colleague will back off, mumbling something about you under his breath. But who cares, you aren't responsible for other people's feelings. you are only responsible for your own!
III) Work through the internal backlash (anxiety, flashbacks, guilt, doubt, and fear) afterward.
Good job! you weren't a nice guy but powerful and bold. then why do you feel all these negative emotions? This is a normal phenomenon. You were nice your whole life, so acting in a powerful and bold manner feels very unnatural. And because it's unnatural it will take a lot of time and effort to normalize this way of speaking to people.
Don't be discouraged, the more you use the strategy the more niceness will flow out of your body. Make sure to evaluate each situation and feel what you really want!