How to Survive as a Vegan Comic in a BBQ Joint

Performing for carnivores when you don't even eat honey: 1. **The Opener** - "Yes I'm vegan... no I won't lecture you unless you're eating ribs." 2. **Menu Roast** - "Your steak is so well-done it qualifies as a hate crime." 3. **Protein Shame** - "I get mine from plants... and the tears of disappointed uncles." 4. **Thanksgiving Bit** - "My Tofurkey doubles as a doorstop." 5. **Dating Struggles** - "Nothing kills romance like 'does this contain dairy?' during foreplay." 6. **Bar Challenges** - "One vegan beer please... what do you mean they filter it through fish bladders?" 7. **BBQ Pitfalls** - "I smell like hickory smoke for days - my version of cologne." 8. **Vegan Spidey-Sense** - "I can detect animal products within 30 feet." 9. **Leftovers** - "My vegan loaf makes great compost... and better paperweights." 10. **Health Jokes** - "I'm not healthier... just morally superior about my junk food." 11. **Grocery Struggles** - "Reading ingredients is my cardio." 12. **Family Judgement** - "Yes grandma, I still 'eat like a rabbit'." 13. **Restaurant Roulette** - "The vegan option is... fries again! Shocking!" 14. **Willpower Fails** - "I almost ate cheese once... the guilt gave me lactose intolerance." 15. **The Payoff** - "When I bomb, I blame protein deficiency."