How to Survive Your First Stand-Up Gig Without Dying

Your first comedy gig will be terrifying, humiliating, and potentially life-changing - here's how to survive: 1. **Pre-Game Ritual** - One drink to calm nerves, two drinks to forget you have nerves, three drinks to forget your material. 2. **The Set List** - Write your jokes on your hand like you're cheating on a middle school test. 3. **Crowd Work Danger Zone** - "So what do you do for work?" is safer than "So how's your marriage?" 4. **The Light** - If you see it, you're being saved from yourself. Take the hint. 5. **Bombing Protocol** - When jokes fail, just say "That one's still in beta testing." 6. **Heckler Defense** - "I appreciate your feedback - said no performer ever to an audience member." 7. **Timing is Everything** - Pause for laughter. When none comes, pretend you're doing dramatic tension. 8. **The Walk of Shame** - After bombing, exit quickly but don't actually run - that's suspicious. 9. **Post-Gig Analysis** - Listen to your recording once to learn, then delete it to preserve sanity. 10. **Social Media Lies** - Post only the one good clip and pretend the rest didn't happen. 11. **Other Comics** - They'll seem supportive but are secretly relieved it wasn't them bombing. 12. **The Booker** - If they say "We'll call you," they won't. This isn't dating - it's worse. 13. **Next Steps** - Sign up for another open mic before the trauma sets in permanently. 14. **Growth Opportunity** - Every awful set makes the next one slightly less awful. 15. **The Truth** - If you keep coming back after bombing, you might actually be a comedian.