How to Survive Family Gatherings as a Comedian

Family gatherings: where they fatten you up before the slaughter of your life choices. Survival guide: 1. **The Aunt Interrogation** - "When are you getting a real job?" "When you get a real nose, Karen." 2. **Drunk Uncle Material** - He's not racist, just "from a different time"... like dinosaurs. 3. **Food Defense** - "No mom, my stand-up career isn't failing - your casserole is." 4. **Political Dodge** - "Let's talk about something less controversial - like my dating life." 5. **Cousin Comparison** - "Jason's a doctor? Great - he can examine why I'm such a disappointment." 6. **Gift Receipts** - "Thanks for the self-help book - I'll trade it for liquor money." 7. **Kids Table Escape** - "I may be 35, but those 8-year-olds respect my career." 8. **Family Photo Strategy** - Stand near the successful relatives to absorb their aura. 9. **Drinking Game** - Sip every time someone asks about your love life - you'll be dead by dessert. 10. **Grandma's Wisdom** - "In my day we had real jobs" "In your day you could buy a house with pocket change." 11. **The Getaway** - "Gotta go - I've got a show... at a bar that may or may not exist." 12. **Leftovers Metaphor** - "My career's like this turkey - dry but people pretend to enjoy it." 13. **Black Sheep Pride** - "Someone's got to be the cautionary tale." 14. **Exit Strategy** - Fake an emergency call from "my agent" (your Uber driver). 15. **Silver Lining** - At least you'll never run out of material about dysfunction.