How to Make Your Awkwardness Work for You

My social skills are so bad I once apologized to a vending machine - here's how to profit from it: 1. **The Overthinker** - "I spend 45 minutes composing a text, then panic when they reply 'k.'" 2. **Small Talk Terror** - "I can discuss weather patterns for hours if it avoids real conversation." 3. **Eye Contact Ballet** - "I maintain just enough to seem normal, then stare at their forehead like it's teleprompter." 4. **Party Survival** - "I alternate between clinging to the host's dog and fake-studying the art." 5. **Delivery Roulette** - "My jokes either land perfectly or crash so hard they need black boxes." 6. **Phone Addiction** - "I scroll through contacts looking for someone to hang with... then keep scrolling." 7. **Dating Disasters** - "My love life is a series of 'we should do this again's that we never do." 8. **Family Gatherings** - "Thanksgiving is just 8 hours of explaining my 'alternative career path.'" 9. **Public Transport** - "I've perfected the 'not crying, just allergies' face for subway rides." 10. **Grocery Hell** - "I'll pay extra for self-checkout to avoid saying 'paper or plastic' to a human." 11. **Neighbor Protocol** - "I know all my neighbors' schedules to avoid hallway small talk." 12. **Workplace Strategy** - "The break room is my personal Hunger Games arena." 13. **Text Analysis** - "I dissect emoji responses like they're the Dead Sea Scrolls." 14. **Social Media Lies** - "My Instagram is 90% food pics because food can't judge me." 15. **The Payoff** - "At least my panic attacks give great material for both therapy and my act."